


Something More

by milk_o_vich



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drug Use, Even and Isak have never met, Even never transferred to Nissen, Friends With Benefits, I'll add more as I go, I'm terrible at tagging, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, basically the whole fic is just one big communication failure, chris and isak are together, communication issues, isak is a smol lovesick puppy, just a warning, like really REALLY BIG COMMUNICATION ISSUES, not really - Freeform, sort of, things will probably get angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 13:38:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 94,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9443327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milk_o_vich/pseuds/milk_o_vich
Summary: Isak had always felt something more. And he knew Chris was probably doing it on purpose. He was teasing Isak – teasing him with the possibility that maybe, someday, they might be more than this, whatever this was. And Isak had fallen for it, hook line and sinker, because it had been one year and whilst Chris continued to fuck anyone he liked, Isak only ever had eyes for Chris.





	1. Something more

**Author's Note:**

> Background: Isak and Even never met, because Even never transferred to Nissen. Chris and Isak started dating(??kind of, it's complicated, just read) about a year ago. Isak is currently in his third year at Nissen; Chris is in his second year at university. Because I'm British and have no understanding of how Norwegian universities/schools work, they'll pretty much be based on my own experiences. So any inconsistencies, I apologise, just roll with it haha.

**Chris** : Pretty boy

Wanna game later?

 **Isak** : what time?

 **Chris** : Anytime after 21

 **Isak** : Ok

Isak placed his phone on his chest and stared up at the ceiling, thinking of a million different ways he could’ve replied to that text that would make him seem less desperate. He knew that when Chris invited him over for gaming, it meant half an hour of FIFA and an evening of making out, fucking, doing whatever else Chris wanted. Isak wanted it too, of course – God, the thought of seeing Chris later was already making his cheeks flush – but he hated how fucking whipped Chris had him. And yet, as soon as the time read 21:00, Isak was at Chris’ fucking door, and Chris grinned like he didn’t expect anything less.

 

***

 

Like Isak expected – and, fuck it, like he’d hoped – barely twenty minutes into their gaming session, Chris had nudged the controller out of Isak’s hand.

Isak, feigning horror, gasped dramatically and said, “I was going to fucking score!”

“I’m bored now,” Chris had murmured, pressing a kiss against Isak’s neck. “Let’s do something else.”

Isak let out a shaky breath, tilting his head so he exposed more of his neck to Chris’ lips.

“Like what?” he managed.

Chris answered by placing his hand between Isak’s legs. Isak felt Chris smirk against his skin when his hand cupped the growing hardness in Isak’s jeans, and Isak would have been embarrassed at how easily Chris got this reaction out of him if he wasn’t acutely aware that he had the exact same effect on Chris.

“I can think of something,” Chris whispered.

He pulled away and raised his eyebrows, and Isak kissed him. It was hungry and messy and desperate, and they both moaned against each other as Chris pushed Isak on his back and climbed on top of him. Isak pushed Chris’ shirt up and his hands explored Chris’ exposed back, pulling him closer to him, as Chris opened Isak’s legs and ground down on him.

“What do you want?” Chris asked, cheeks flushed.

He knew what Isak wanted. Of course he fucking did. But it wasn’t enough to know it – Chris liked to _hear_ it.

“You,” Isak murmured.

“Yeah?” Chris asked, grinding down again. Isak was becoming increasingly frustrated at the fact that they were both still wearing jeans. “What do you want me to do to you?” he whispered, pressing kisses against Isak’s neck.

“Fuck me,” Isak muttered against Chris’ ear. Then, he grabbed a fistful of Chris’ hair and tugged, hard, forcing Chris to look at him. Chris’ mouth was open a little, and he stared at Isak through heavy-lidded eyes. “Like this, so I can see your face.”

Chris laughed against Isak’s mouth. “Okay,” he whispered between kisses.

  

***

 

This thing between Chris and Isak had started around a year ago whilst Isak was in second year and Chris had been in his first year at university. To this day, Isak had no fucking clue where he stood. They were more than friends, obviously. Isak would even dare to say they were slightly more than _just_ friends with benefits. But they weren’t dating. Chris made that abundantly clear every time he gave Isak all the details of whichever boy or girl he’d fucked at some party that week. So that left them as…well, as this.

Isak had tried to broach the topic with Chris before. It had been short and sweet and cut-throat.

“I don’t do relationships,” Chris had said.

“I know,” Isak had replied, trying to hide his pain but doing a miserable job at it. “I just want to know who I am to you.”

“You’re a friend,” Chris told him softly, and gave him a small fucking smile which made Isak’s heart ache. Then, Chris sat up suddenly and his face split into a grin. “We’re friends, right? That's what we agreed. Friends who fuck. Simple.”

“Simple,” Isak had mumbled.

But Isak had always felt something more. And he knew Chris was probably doing it on purpose. He was teasing Isak – teasing him with the possibility that maybe, someday, they might be more than this, whatever this was. And Isak had fallen for it, hook line and sinker, because it had been one year and whilst Chris continued to fuck anyone he liked, Isak only ever had eyes for Chris.

 

***

 

It was moments like this that made Isak believe there could be something more between the two of them. They were making out lazily on Chris’ bed; Isak was on top of Chris, who had looped his arms around Isak’s neck and was pulling him closer. They were still naked from earlier, but there was nothing sexual about this. They were just enjoying each other. Slow kisses. Lazy kisses. It was made all the more intimate by the fact that it was just the two of them in the house: Chris' housemate was out, and the other room had been empty since Chris' ex-housemate was kicked out of uni for fighting. So it was just the two of them. Quiet and alone and together in their own little bubble.

Eventually, Isak rolled off Chris, who groaned in protest and pulled Isak closer to him, wrapping his arm around Isak’s waist, his chest to Isak’s back. He pressed gentle kisses against Isak’s neck.

“Don’t go home tonight,” Chris whispered. He was half asleep when he said it, which made Isak wonder if he knew what he was saying. He didn’t really care.

“Okay,” Isak said quietly, but by the time he’d replied, Chris had begun snoring softly against his shoulder.

 

***

 

When Isak woke up the next day, he was aware that Chris was already up – partly because he could no longer feel his arms around him, but mainly because the arsehole had no clue how to be fucking quiet.

Isak groaned, pressing his face into his pillow.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Half ten,” Chris replied, throwing a shirt over himself. “I gotta go. Got a lecture.”

He leant over the bed, and for a brief moment Isak wondered whether he was going to kiss him. It was a short-lived hope, because the next second, Chris had pulled the blankets away from Isak and smacked him on the arse.

“Get up,” he said. “Don’t you have school?”

 _Oh, fuck,_ Isak remembered, and he scrambled out of bed, throwing his clothes on, not realising his jeans were inside out or that his beanie was on backwards.

He arrived to school almost two hours late and, judging by the smirks on his friends’ faces, they knew exactly what he’d been doing.

 

***

 

He was in physics when his phone buzzed.

 **Chris** : Finally got a new tenant for the spare room

 **Isak** : yeah?

 **Chris** : Yeah

Means you can’t be as loud anymore, pretty boy

 **Isak** : Hahaha fuck you

i'm not loud

 **Chris** : You fucking are

It’s hot though. I like it.

 **Isak** : what’s the new tenant like?

 **Chris** : Seems fine

Some film studies student

 **Isak** : cool

 **Chris** : He’s pretty hot. You might have some competition

 **Isak** : hate him already

 **Chris** : Haha. Jealous? ;)

 **Isak** : Ffck off

what’s his name anyway

 **Chris** : Even


	2. I knew you'd come

**Chris** : What are you doing later?

 **Isak** : meeting Jonas

 **Chris** : Fuck him

Come see me

 **Isak** : can’t. he’s upset

i’ll see you after maybe

 **Chris** : I don’t mind if he wants to join. Maybe it’ll cheer him up

 **Isak** : very funny

 **Chris** : ?

 **Isak** : Jonas is straight Chris

and he just broke up with Eva, don’t think he’s looking for a threesome right now

 **Chris** : Hahahahahah

Are you serious?

 **Isak** : ??

 **Chris** : I’m talking about the party we’re throwing for Even

Thought you and Jonas could come if you’re game

 **Isak** : oh right

oops

 **Chris** : Dirty boy

 **Isak** : shut up

anyway thanks for the invite but i think i'll just hang with him

he probably doesn’t want to see you right now

 **Chris** : Why?

 **Isak** : you’re the reason they broke up

 **Chris** : What did I do?

 **Isak** : ….

most guys don’t like their girlfriends hooking up with other guys, Chris

 **Chris** : Does a hand job count as hooking up?

 **Isak** : yes

dickhead

***

“I just said, you know, it doesn’t matter how sorry you are. Because that trust is gone now.”

Jonas took another swig of his beer. They were sat in Isak’s living room, and Isak wasn’t really saying much. Just letting Jonas talk. The more beer they drank, the more Jonas was willing to speak.

“It’s like, you throw your heart and soul into a relationship, but at the end of the day if the other person wants to ruin it then there isn’t really much you can do.” Jonas looked at him. “Do you know what I mean?”

“Mm,” Isak chimed. He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know, though. It’s possible to work through that stuff.”

“What, like you and Chris?” Jonas laughed humourlessly. “Letting someone fuck you over isn’t the same as working through it, Isak.”

Jonas was looking for a fight. Isak could tell – had sensed it on him since this morning. That was part of the reason he knew going to Chris’ party would have been a terrible idea. Isak wished silently that he was there right now. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to be there for Jonas – he did, and that’s why he was spending his Friday evening bored shitless on a sofa with him – but Eva and Jonas were constantly breaking up and making up. Isak had heard this all before.

“The thing between Chris and me is different,” Isak said. “We aren’t together.” He finished the rest of his beer and cracked open another one. “We work because we don’t lie to each other. He’s said he doesn’t want a relationship, so that’s the way it is.”

“What about what _you_ want, though?” Jonas asked.

Isak shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Well…yeah, it does,” Jonas said slowly.

Isak wasn’t sure at what point this had turned into a conversation about his _own_ relationship – if you could call it that – but here they were.

Isak laughed. “What, you’re some sort of relationship guru now?”

“Did someone say ‘guru’?”

Eskild walked in wearing a silk dressing gown and settled between Isak and Jonas. 

“We’re talking about Chris,” Jonas told him.

“Ugh, I _can’t_ with that arsehole,” Eskild said dramatically. He stroked Isak’s cheek, and Isak slapped his hand away irritably. “I tell Isak all the time, you deserve someone who loves you and makes you feel good about yourself. Not some fuckboy who–“

“ _Okay_ ,” Isak said. He could feel himself getting worked up. “We were talking about Eva and Jonas, anyway. They broke up.”

“Oh, yes, Noora told me. Sorry to hear that, Jonas.”

Jonas waved a hand dismissively. “I was just telling Isak that it’s important that you both get what you want from a relationship,” Jonas continued. “Isak disagreed.”

Isak shrugged. “I’m not saying I _disagree_ , I just…” He threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t fucking know.”

“Eva and I didn’t work out because she fucked someone else and I didn’t want her to,” Jonas said. “It’s simple, you –“

“She didn’t fuck him,” Isak interjected.

“What?” Jonas asked.

“It was just a hand job,” Isak repeated mechanically.

“Did Chris tell you they hooked up?” Jonas asked.

“Yeah. I told you, he tells me everything.”

Jonas was staring at him, eyes a little wide. He raised his eyebrows. “And you didn’t think I’d want to hear about it? About my girlfriend getting someone off at some random party?”

 _Oh_ , Isak realised. He frowned. “I didn’t think of it like that,” he said.

“So…how _did_ you think about it, then?” Jonas asked.

Isak was quiet for a while. The answer was obvious. He hadn’t put Jonas in the equation at all. He’d been too focussed on how shitty it had made _him_ feel. Guilt crept over him like a shadow.

“I – it wasn't like that. Other people knew too, I - Eva begged me not to -” Isak sighed. "It just wasn't my place to say anything, that's all."

Jonas laughed and stood up. “Got it. Thanks, Isak. Good to know you have my back.”

“Jonas –“

“Save it,” Jonas said, pulling his hood over his head and slamming the front door behind him.

Eskild grimaced and turned to Isak. “Isak –“

“ _What_?” Isak snapped.

“I was just –“

“Do you _have_ to get involved in everyone’s business all the time, Eskild?!”

He stood up, swaying a little from the alcohol, and grabbed a couple more beers before storming into his bedroom.

***

He was pacing in his room, not knowing why he felt as angry as he did. He felt like a shit friend, and that was irritating him, but it was almost drowned out by Jonas and Eskild's voices telling him how Chris didn’t love him, how he was using him, how they weren't going to work out. 

It hurt even more to know they were probably true.

He felt claustrophobic in his room. Trapped. He wanted fresh air. He wanted to be out - walking or running or doing _something_ to distract him from the drumming in his head. _He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you._

And then Isak was outside in the dark, walking quickly, panting, breath appearing him before him like white smoke. He didn’t know how it happened, but suddenly he was standing outside Chris’ house, the electric thudding of music pumping like a heartbeat through the windows.

Without really thinking, Isak opened the door and stepped inside.

Fifty, maybe sixty people were crammed inside Chris’ living room, spilling out into the kitchen and the small garden. He could smell weed and beer and cigarettes and sweat.

He tapped the shoulder of the boy closest to him. “Have you seen Chris?” The boy looked puzzled, so Isak shouted louder. "Where's Chris?"

The boy gestured vaguely towards the sofa. Isak caught sight of Chris sitting on the arm of a chair, grinning and drinking and flirting and chatting to a pretty blonde girl. As Isak squeezed past the throng of people, Chris’ eyes fell on him and his grin faltered a little. Out of surprise, maybe. He muttered something to the blonde girl and got up, smirking.

“Hey, you,” Chris said, sounding smug.

“Hey.” Suddenly, Isak felt a little awkward. The alcohol had been pushing him here, giving him confidence – blind purpose – but the walk had almost sobered him up and now he was here and…well, he didn’t really know what to say.

Chris leaned into Isak’s ear. “I knew you’d come,” he said. He had to shout a little over the music, but it still felt strangely intimate. He pulled back, grinning. “Is your friend with you?”

“It’s just me,” Isak said.

Chris’ grin widened. “So you –“

“Shut up,” Isak said, and he closed the distance between them and kissed him. Chris was all tongue and wandering hands, and Isak relished in it. He pulled back a little and saw that Chris’ brows were furrowed, his expression serious or thoughtful or something unreadable. It drove Isak crazy. A second later, their lips met again hungrily.

Chris could stand and kiss in a room full of people like this for hours. He got off on it. But Isak didn’t, so a couple of minutes later he broke apart and murmured, “Bedroom.”

Chris took Isak’s hand and led him out of the living room, shrugging apologetically at the blonde girl as they walked past her.

Within minutes of being by themselves, their shirts were off and Chris had Isak on the bed, pinning his hands above his head. He moved to press kisses on Isak’s neck, Isak’s chest, Isak’s stomach.

“What do you want?” he whispered, biting at the flesh on Isak’s hip.

Isak sat up and pushed Chris onto his back.

Chris raised his eyebrows. “You’re so fucking hot tonight,” he said.

He pulled Isak down and kissed him, tasting of vodka and cigarettes. He teased Isak’s bottom lip between his teeth. His hands moved to Isak’s arse and he pulled him closer, and Isak moaned and clumsily grasped at Chris’ belt.

“What do you want?” Chris repeated against Isak’s lips.

 _I want you to stop fucking other people,_ Isak thought. _I want more than this. I want you to prove me wrong. I want you to prove_ everyone _wrong._

“You,” Isak mumbled, and he placed kisses down Chris’ body on all the areas he knew Chris found the most sensitive. He yanked Chris’ jeans off, then his boxers, and Chris was staring at him with that fucking wicked grin, and Isak stared back as he took Chris into his mouth. Within minutes, Isak had Chris groaning and gripping his bedsheets in his fists, eyes closed, breath heavy, back arched. When he knew Chris was close he moved up Chris’ body and lay beside him, working him with his hand, and Chris put his hand under Isak’s boxers and returned the favour. They stared and stared and stared at each other, foreheads pressed together, panting against each other’s mouths until they got each other there.

***

“You can stay for the party if you want,” Chris said, pulling his jeans up.

Isak, who was watching Chris get dressed, shook his head. “I should go back to mine. I left my phone at home.” He didn’t feel like spending the rest of the evening with Chris’ friends, who were all arseholes, and a bunch of strangers, who were probably arseholes too.

“Okay,” Chris said casually, messing with his belt. “Do you want me to call you a taxi?”

Isak waved a hand dismissively. “I’ll walk. Can I shower first?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Chris said. He reached over Isak to grab his shirt, and Isak was struck with a sudden confidence. He pulled Chris towards him, kissing him, and Chris sort of stumbled a little awkwardly until finding his balance and kissing Isak back. Isak moved to bite and suck at the skin on Chris’ neck. Marking him. _Mine_.

When Isak pulled back, Chris was laughing. “You sure you don’t want to stay in here and wait for round two?” he asked, grinning, tongue between his teeth.

Isak let out a breathy laugh. “No.” Even Isak had more dignity than to sit around in Chris’ room and wait for him to come back and fuck him.

Chris smirked. “Cocktease,” he whispered before opening the door.

“Cocktease? I’ve just _blown_ you!” Isak replied indignantly, and Chris laughed as he opened his door.

“See you Sunday?”

Isak nodded and Chris left. He kind of had to admire the way Chris strode out of his room with such confidence – hair messy, cheeks flushed red, love bite blossoming on his neck – making it so blatantly _obvious_ what he’d just been doing.

He showered – which he realised half-way through was a pretty weird thing to do at a party – and went back to Chris’ room, pulled on his jeans and rummaged around for his shirt, which seemed to have disappeared.

The door burst open. Isak jumped.

A boy – tall, thin, blonde hair and bright blue eyes – was standing in the doorway. “Oh,” the boy said. “Sorry.”

“The bathrooms the next left,” Isak said, pointing vaguely out the door. He was suddenly very aware that he had no shirt on.

“I know." The boy was staring at Isak, and Isak just sort of stared awkwardly back at him. “I just moved in here. I thought this was my room. Sorry.”

“You’re Even?” Isak asked. So Chris wasn’t lying just to make Isak jealous – Even really _was_ hot. He felt his stomach sink a little.

“Yeah,” he replied, stretching a hand out for Isak to shake. “And you are?”

“I’m Chris’…Chris’… _friend_ ,” he finished awkwardly.

Even laughed. “Do you have a name, or?”

“Isak.”

“Nice to meet you,” Even said.

“Yep.” Isak nodded. This was a cue for Even to leave, but Even just sort of stood there. Staring. When the silence was getting too much, Isak mumbled, “I need to go, anyway, so…”

“You’re not staying for the party?” Even asked, leaning on the doorframe.

Isak shook his head. “No. I didn’t – I just came – I left my phone at home, so…”

“Did you leave your shirt at home, too?” Even raised his eyebrows.

Isak let out a bark of laughter and scratched his head. “Yeah, I actually don’t know where that went.” He picked up one of Chris’ shirts from the laundry pile, sniffed it, and shrugged. “This’ll do.”

“You sure you don’t want to stay?” Even asked.

Isak waved a hand. “I need to go. I’ll, uh, see you around, though.”

Even shrugged. “Okay. See you around, Isak.”

***

When Isak got home, he threw himself on his bed and stared at his phone. He had several missed calls from Eskild, a messy message from his mum which made no fucking sense and a million messages from the boys’ group chat which he couldn’t be bothered to read through right now.

He flicked lazily through Instagram, through Facebook, through snapchat. Chris had uploaded a snapchat story. Isak knew it would probably just piss him off, but he opened it anyway. Photos of beers, drinks, Chris’ friends, Chris with his tongue out, a video panning around his crowded living room. A photo of Chris kissing that blonde girl, with his head turned in such a way that it exposed the love bite Isak had left on his neck.

Isak threw his phone on his pillow and swallowed hard. He closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry over something so stupid. He hated that he felt like shit. He hated that he had no right to be angry at Chris, who was always so unashamedly honest. He hated all of it, but somehow, he couldn't bring himself to hate Chris. Sometimes he really wished he could.

His phone buzzed and he picked it up.

_Even Bech Næsheim has sent you a friend request._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not a lot happening in this chapter. I needed to sort of set the scene, I suppose, with Isak and his relationship with Chris and his friends. I hope it was still okay to read. More things will happen in later chapters, I promise<3


	3. Answer me

Saturday, 11:11  
**Chris** : You showing up last night was so fucking hot  
Wish I’d fucked you

Today, 15:33  
**Chris** : Pretty boyyyy  
Still on for later?

17:59  
**Chris:** ??

18:12  
**Chris:** Oi  
Answer me

18:39  
**Chris:** Is everything ok?

***

Isak flipped through the photos on Even’s Facebook page. He only had 33 friends, which struck Isak as weird, but whatever. The boy _was_ weird. Maybe he was just high or whatever when he’d walked into Chris’ room, but something about Even was stumping Isak.

His phone buzzed.

Today, 20:11  
**Chris:** Are you ignoring me?

He rolled his eyes and threw his phone face down on his bedside table, returning to his physics homework.

An hour later and he could hear some sort of commotion outside his room. Loud voices, feet stomping, doors slamming. He looked up from his textbook.

“He’s got homework and you _can’t_ just barge in like this, I’ll call the police, I’ll – what are you -"

Isak’s door burst open and suddenly Chris was standing there. Eskild was hovering behind him, looking furious.

“Isak, I told him you’re busy, but he wouldn’t listen and –“

“It’s okay, Eskild,” Isak sighed.

Eskild looked Chris up and down. “Okay. Well, I’ll be here if you need anything, Isak.”

Chris closed the door in Eskild’s face.

“Hey,” he said.

Isak chewed the inside of his cheek, staring pointedly at his textbook. “Hey.”

“So is your phone broken, or?”

“No it’s – I’ve just been busy with this assignment. I haven’t looked at my phone all day.”

“Oh,” Chris said. “I thought maybe it was shit with your mum or something.”

Isak looked at Chris and felt a little bit of anger leave him. “No, no. She’s fine.”

“Cool.” Chris kicked off his shoes and flopped beside Isak on his bed, sending some of Isak’s notes falling to the floor.

“ _Chris_ ,” Isak hissed, leaning over him and gathering all his pieces of paper together. “I’m trying to work.”

“I’m not stopping you.” Chris pulled out his phone and started tapping the screen. “I’m ordering pizza. What do you want?”

“I don’t…” Isak began. Chris stared up at him, eyes wide and innocent – or, rather, _trying_ to look innocent. Isak sighed and shut his textbook. “Fuck it. What do they have?”

***

The pizza lay half eaten on the floor and they had some shitty film blaring on in the background that neither of them were really paying attention to. They were both staring at their phones in comfortable silence, sitting with their backs pressed against the wall, shoulders touching.

Chris laughed. “Hey, look at this.”

He passed Isak his phone and showed him his Facebook page.

_One year ago today._

The photos under the text were of a party which Isak recognised immediately. He flipped through a few of the photos, smiling to himself. Chris standing with a beer in his hand and his arm around a girl. Another of Chris and William on a sofa. Another of some random guy passed out with a dick drawn in permanent marker on his forehead. Then a photo of some girls, and –

“Wait,” said Chris, snatching his phone back. He zoomed in on the image, and Isak thought Chris was going to zoom in on one of the girl’s tits or something. But he didn’t – he focused on the corner of the image where, in the background, Isak and Chris were stood chatting to each other.

“That was the night we first hooked up,” Chris said, grinning, pulling his hood over his head.

“I know,” Isak said, but he was surprised Chris remembered.

“I blew you in the bathroom,” Chris continued. “Do you remember?”

Isak smirked, feeling his cheeks turning a little red. “Yeah. We forgot to lock the door and your housemate walked in on us."

Chris laughed. “And then you left and I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Isak licked his lips as the atmosphere shifted a little. “Yeah?”

Chris looked at him and grinned. “Yeah,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He played with the strings on his hoodie. “I was like, ‘holy fuck, I’ve got to see what his face looks like when he comes.’”

Isak snorted and hit Chris with a pillow. They were quiet for a while, then Isak said, “And the second time, you told me you never fuck the same person twice.”

Chris yawned. “I don’t usually.” He glanced over at Isak, eyes running over his body. “I don’t hook up with my friends, either. But then I thought how hot it would be to have a friends with benefits type thing, and I thought, ‘Who’s desperate enough to be up for that?’ So I hooked up with you.”

Isak raised his eyebrows and shoved Chris' shoulder, hard.

“Ow – I was _kidding_ ,” Chris laughed, ducking to avoid getting a pillow slapped across his head. He seized Isak’s wrists, pushed him onto his back and kissed him, deep and open-mouthed. Isak was a little surprised to feel that Chris was already hard.

“Wait,” Isak said.

Chris pulled away. “You don’t want to?” he asked seriously.

“No, I – it’s not that.“ He shifted a little awkwardly, propping himself up on his elbows. He stared at Chris, whose face was still only a few inches away from Isak’s. _Fuck it._ “Did you hook up with that girl the other day?”

Chris laughed. “What?”

“At the party,” Isak continued. “The blonde chick. She was on your snapchat.”

Chris grinned. “Are you jealous?”

“No,” Isak said, but it was too quick, too defensive. “ _No_ ,” he said again, trying to sound more genuine. He didn’t like the way Chris’ mouth had gone from a smile to a hard line. How his brows were now furrowed. Isak felt himself backtracking. “I just…it was like, what, an hour after we hooked up? So I just wondered…if maybe…what we did hadn’t been good for you or something.” The lie tumbled out of his mouth clumsily.

Chris shook his head, laughing. “You’re such a fucking weirdo,” he said. “You think I’d keep hanging out with you if the sex wasn’t good?”

Isak wondered if Chris could possibly understand how much that fucking hurt.

“Wouldn’t you?” Isak asked.

Chris rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. Do you think I'd keep _fucking_ you if the sex wasn't good.” He was still hovering over Isak, close enough that Isak could see the flecks of gold in his eyes. Chris pushed some hair away from Isak’s eyes and tugged at it, shaking him a little. “What’s with you today?”

“Nothing.”

Chris kissed him. “You were good on Friday. It was fun. You’re always good.”

Isak raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Really?”

“Mhm.” Chris snaked a hand up Isak’s shirt and kissed him again, and this time Isak sort of melted into it as Chris pressed their bodies closer together. “ _You drive me wild, pretty boy_ ,” Chris whispered against Isak’s lips, and whatever had been left of Isak's resolve went away in that moment.

***

“I can’t move,” Chris murmured dramatically, breath heavy, eyes closed, head resting on Isak’s pillow. “I can’t move my legs. I can’t do anything.”

Isak laughed. Sweat was clinging to both of them and they were lying side by side, exhausted. Sex with Chris was always good, but that night had been particularly fucking magical. It had been messy and rough and desperate, and they'd had to cover each other's mouths when they came to stop the whole neighbourhood from hearing them.

“That was fucking amazing,” Chris said. He lifted his eyes lazily to look at Isak and patted him on the shoulder. “Good job.”

Isak nodded. “You too,” he laughed.

Chris smiled and closed his eyes, leaving his hand resting on Isak’s shoulder. When Chris’ breathing got heavier – which took about two minutes, because Chris never had any trouble falling asleep – Isak rolled closer. Studied Chris’ face, the way his eyelashes were thick and brown, how he had moles scattered over his cheeks. He ran his fingers through Chris' hair, which was slick with sweat, and cupped Chris' cheek.

Chris’ eyes fluttered open and Isak froze, but Chris just took the hand Isak had on his face and interlocked their fingers together.

They stayed like that for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had other plans for chapter 3 and I wasn't going to post until tomorrow, but I finished some big assignments for uni today and when I came home I just typed and typed and somehow this happened. So...yeah.  
> Thank you for all the lovely comments so far! They really keep me motivated to write/draft chapters. So yes, thank you all so so much <3


	4. Fix it

Isak had forgotten to set an alarm for school, so it was pure luck that Chris’ phone started ringing at around half seven in the morning.

“Turn it off,” Chris mumbled.

“It’s not mine,” Isak said, rolling over.

Chris sat up and rubbed his eyes blearily before shoving his covers away from him and searching the bed.

“Where the fuck is it?”

Isak pressed his face against the pillow and moaned. “I don’t know, just turn it off.”

Chris took so long to find his phone – which had somehow ended up under Isak’s bed – that by the time he reached it the call had ended and Isak was sat up, awake.

“Who was it?”

Chris' face was screwed up and he didn't look up from his phone. Isak was staring at him, drinking him in. It didn’t matter how many times Isak saw Chris naked, he still found him stupidly attractive.

“My dad,” Chris said distractedly.

“Your dad?” Isak repeated, surprised.

Chris nodded.

“Is he…why's he ringing you so early?”

Suddenly, Chris laughed. “He probably only just got in.”

“Is he drinking again?”

Chris shrugged and put his phone on Isak’s bedside table. “I don’t know,” he said from the bottom of the bed, pulling Isak’s legs so that Isak slid onto his back. Chris crawled on top of him and started pressing kisses against his neck.

Isak stared at the ceiling. “Is he back with your mum now?”

“I don’t know,” Chris said again.

Isak let out a moan as Chris licked at his jaw, rocking against him. “But – but you’re talking to him again?”

Chris let out a long sigh against Isak’s neck before pulling away to look at him. “I’m _horny_ , Isak. Can we not talk about my dad when I’m about to fuck you?”

“Fuck me?” Isak said, eyebrows raised.

“Yeah.” Chris returned to Isak’s neck, pressing quick, hot kisses against his skin. “Or blow you. Whatever shuts you up.”

“The bus is in ten minutes," Isak mumbled. 

“I’ll drive you instead.”

Isak closed his eyes and his breath hitched as Chris dragged his tongue down Isak’s chest to his stomach. He almost cried when Chris stopped at his hips. Chris looked up at him, brown eyes painfully patient. Waiting for a signal. “Or you could go catch the bus now.”

“Shut up,” Isak mumbled, and Chris grinned as he travelled further down Isak’s body.

***

They got dressed quickly that morning and stumbled into the kitchen together whilst Eskild was cooking breakfast.

“Good morning, Isak,” Eskild said cheerily, pointedly ignoring Chris. “Would you like some eggs?”

“I can’t,” Isak said, waving a hand dismissively. “Running late.”

“I’ll have some,” Chris said, moving to stand behind Isak. He snaked his arms around Isak's middle and began teasing Isak's earlobe with his teeth.

Isak pushed him off, but couldn't help smirking. 

Eskild looked like he was about to vomit. “Oh no, I only made enough for two. If Isak doesn’t want any then I’ll just give them to Linn.”

He switched the hob off, plated up, and was walking out of the room when he stopped at Isak. He took a sniff. “Isak, have you showered today?”

***

When they were in the car, Chris caught Isak sniffing his armpits and laughed. “Don’t stress. It’s hot.”

“Hot that I smell of sweat?” Isak muttered irritably. “Do you have any cologne?”

“Hot that you smell of _sex_ ,” Chris corrected.

Isak felt his cheeks turn red. “I can’t go around smelling like this all day."

Chris’ phone started ringing again and they both looked down at it.

_DAD CALLING._

Chris let out an irritated sigh and turned the radio on. They didn’t talk for the rest of the drive to school.

***

Today, 11:44

 **Even** : Hey

 **Isak** : hi

 **Even** : I found your shirt hanging on the heater. I think it got mixed in Chris’ laundry.

 **Isak** : ok

thanks

 **Even** : What do you want me to do with it?

 **Isak** : just leave it wherever I’ll collect it when I next come over

 **Even** : Okay.

It's in my wardrobe when you want it. 

 **Isak** : cool

but how did you know what my shirt looked like?

***

When Isak walked into the café at lunch, he felt a little uncomfortable walking up to Jonas and the boys. Luckily, they were too distracted to even notice he’d sat down beside them.

“It’s your fault, bro, you need to fix it –“

“How is it _my_ fault? Eva was the one who flushed it down the toilet –“

“What’s going on?” Isak asked. He exchanged a look with Jonas, who still looked pretty pissed off with him.

“Eva flushed Mahdi’s weed down the toilet,” Magnus said.

Isak raised his eyebrows. “What? Seriously? Why did she do that?”

“Because she wanted to smoke it herself,” Jonas said, rolling his eyes. “Because she found it in my room and freaked out. She didn’t believe I was holding it for a friend.”

“I have people _waiting_ on that, bro,” Mahdi said. “They’ve already paid. They’re expecting it next week.”

“Can’t you just give them a refund or something?” Jonas asked.

“It’s not that simple, man, this is about my _reputation_.” Mahdi shook his head. “It would’ve been safer to leave it with this idiot,” he added, gesturing to Magnus. “At least that way we wouldn’t have had to worry about any psycho girlfriends finding it, seeing as he never actually speaks to any girls.”

“What the fuck?” Magnus said.

“So you and Eva are back together?” Isak asked quietly.

Jonas looked at him and nodded. “We’re working through it.”

“Enough about your relationship problems,” Mahdi said. “You’re sorting this out. My dealers are away until next month. _Fix it_ , Jonas.”

He grabbed his bag and walked off.

“He thinks he’s fucking Pablo Escobar or something,” Jonas murmured. “How am I supposed to fix any green when he’s the one who usually hooks _me_ up with it?”

They were all quiet for a while. Then, Magnus said, “Does Chris still talk to that guy he used to live with – what was his name – Lukas?”

Isak stared at Magnus. _Yes_ , he thought. “Maybe,” he said. “I don’t know. Why?”

“Didn’t he used to deal?”

 _Yes_ , Isak thought again. “I don’t know."

"Yeah, I think he did," Jonas said.

“I don’t fucking remember,” Isak muttered, stretching.

“You don’t remember if he dealt?” Jonas asked. He looked at Magnus, then back at Isak. “You’re there like, every other day. How don’t you remember something like that?”

“It was a long time ago.”

The truth was, Isak fucking hated Lukas. He was violent and rude and made Isak feel like shit whenever he was around, and Isak had been glad to see the back of him when he finally moved out. Chris, on the other hand, thought the sun shone out his fucking arse. That only made Isak hate him more.

“It was a few months ago,” Jonas said. “Can’t you just ask Chris for me? See if he'll hook me up?”

Isak looked at Jonas, and if it had been anyone else he would’ve thought of an excuse not to do it. But Jonas’ eyes were piercing through him, and he felt uncomfortable and flustered and still so guilty about the whole Eva thing that he just nodded.

“Yeah, I can ask if they still talk.”

***

16:48

 **Isak** : hey

 **Chris** : Hey

Can’t talk now, sorry

 **Isak** : ok

***

Over the next few days, Isak tried to get a hold of Chris again. It was much of the same. _I can’t talk. I’m busy. Talk later._ Eventually, Chris stopped replying altogether, and Isak gave up trying to get a hold of him.

It was like this, sometimes. Something would come up, or Chris would get invited to a string of parties where there were countless others to fuck instead of Isak. Isak knew that Chris would come around eventually; that he'd text Isak when he was bored, and then they'd be back on again. Because Isak was fucking desperate, and Chris knew that. It was just how it was. Didn't make it hurt any less. 

***

 **Isak** : have you still got my shirt?

 **Even** : Yes

 **Isak** : can i come round and get it?

 **Even** : What time?

 **Isak** : 20:00?

 **Even** : I’ll be here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really not happy with the way this chapter turned out. It feels too clunky and awkward, but it was needed to sort of set up the rest of the fic. I hope it was still okay to read.  
> Again, thank you all so, so much for the lovely support on the other chapters! It makes my day reading through all your comments <3


	5. Another time

Isak stood outside Chris’ house, chewing his lip, bouncing on his heels. It wasn’t that he had never showed up to Chris’ unannounced before – he’d done it at the party last week – but he’d never done it when Chris had been making a point to ignore him.

And it frustrated him when Chris acted like this. How he could just drop Isak like he meant nothing to him. Forget the sex and all that shit – because before all of that, they’d been friends, and Chris would have never just ignored him like this before.

Anyway, he was here to collect his shirt. That’s what he’d tell Chris – that was his excuse. He tried to ignore the fact that half of his clothes must be at Chris’ by now and that he couldn’t even remember which shirt he was coming to collect.

He knocked on the door before his nerves got the better of him, and around a minute later, it opened.

“Hi,” Isak said.

“Hey,” Even said, leaning against the doorframe. “Good to see you’re wearing a shirt this time.”

Isak laughed a little awkwardly and looked down. Even stared at him, cocking his head, and then gestured Isak inside.

“I’ve been sketching, so sorry if my rooms a tip,” Even continued.

Isak was quiet. He wasn’t great at talking to people he didn’t know.

Even’s room surprised Isak. Four vinyl records were hung up next to a guitar, and the walls were absolutely covered with drawings – from stupid little doodles to detailed sketches of hands, eyes and faces.

“You drew these?” Isak asked.

“Yeah. You like them?”

Isak nodded.

“I had to cover the walls with _something_ ,” Even said, opening his wardrobe. “There were holes everywhere.”

Isak raised his eyebrows, studying a sketch of a pretty girl with blonde hair. “The arsehole who lived here before you had anger issues,” he said.

Even laughed. “I guessed. Oh – fu – sorry.”

Isak looked at Even, who was holding Isak’s shirt in one hand and staring at his charcoaled fingers. The shirt was covered in black smudges.  
“Don’t stress,” Isak said.

“I’ll wash it,” Even said.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll wash it when I get home.”

“It’ll take half an hour,” Even said, already walking out of the room. He turned back to look at Isak. “Do you want a beer?”

Isak chewed his lip. “Is Chris in?”

Even shook his head. “He hasn’t been here since Tuesday.”

“A beer sounds good.”

 

***

 

“So, you’re in your first year?” Even asked, taking another sip of beer.

They were sat in the living room, sitting cross-legged on opposite sides of the sofa. A few beer bottles stood empty on the coffee table.

Isak shook his head. “Third. I’m still in high school.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “Where do you go?”

“Nissen.”

Even nodded. “I almost transferred there in third year,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Even chimed. “I had to repeat a year, so.”

“How come?”

Even smiled faintly. “Another time,” he said. He shuffled a little and sat up straighter.  “So, Isak, what do you want to do after school?”

“Ugh,” Isak said, rolling his eyes. “I don’t fucking know. I’m good at science, so maybe something to do with that.” He took another swig of beer and examined the empty bottle.

“You want another?” Even asked.

Isak wrinkled his nose. “It’s a school night,” he said. Then he shrugged. “Or whatever, fuck it.”

 Even was already up and walking into the kitchen. “I used to be good at science, you know,” he said from the fridge.

“You do film – _thanks_ – film studies now, right?” he asked, clinking his beer against Even’s.

Even nodded and sat back down. Isak smirked.

“Is that funny?” Even asked, grinning.

“No, it’s just different to science, that’s all. I mean,” he continued, watching Even’s eyebrows travel further up his forehead, “science is like, a _real_ subject.”

“Fuck you,” Even laughed. “ _Film studies_ is a real subject!”

“Yeah, but it’s not like it’s a _hard_ one,” Isak said, grinning, repositioning himself so he could look at Even better.

“I bet I could beat you in a science quiz,” Even said.

“Me? Beat _me_?” Isak repeated. “I don’t think so. I’m the best in the school.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Isak said, then shrugged. “Or, like, one of the best.”

Even laughed. “One of the best.”

“One of the best.”

They were quiet for a while, and Isak didn’t know whether it was the beer or the talk or Even or whatever, but he felt better. More comfortable.

“So, what do you want to be?” Isak asked. “Like, when you leave university.”

“A director,” Even said confidently.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I want to direct huge fucking movies. Baz Lurhman style.”

“Baz…?”

“You’ve heard of him, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” Isak lied casually.

Even raised his eyebrows and laughed. “Yeah?” he asked. “What’s your favourite film he’s directed, then?”

Isak licked his lips and rolled his eyes. “I – all of them,” he said, but couldn’t help laughing.

“ _All of them_?” Even repeated, grinning. “Fuck you. You haven’t seen any.” They were quiet for a while, then Even said, “They’re epic. They’re good films to watch when you’re stoned.”

“You smoke?” Isak asked, suddenly remembering Jonas and Mahdi and the whole reason he said he’d go to Chris’ in the first place.

Even shook his head. “Used to,” he said. “Not anymore.”

“Oh,” Isak said quietly. “How come?”

Even smiled again. “Another time.”

Isak cocked his head a little. “That’s the second time you’ve said that.”

“Sorry,” Even said quietly.

The front door burst open and Chris walked in, cheeks red, eyes bloodshot, backpack slung effortlessly over his shoulder. Isak half expected him to be bringing someone home with him, but he was by himself. He made his way to his bedroom but stopped in his tracks when he saw Isak and Even on the sofa.

“Hi, Chris," Even said casually. “Beer?”

Chris was staring at Isak, then at Even, then back at Isak. His eyes were fixed on him, and Isak didn’t know why he felt so fucking guilty to be sat there. Like Chris had caught him doing something he shouldn’t be. Chris bit his lip and – so subtly that Isak could have been imagining it – gestured for Isak to follow him.

Even watched Chris leave, then turned to Isak. “What’s, uh, what's going on between you two?” he asked.

Isak threw back the last of his beer and stood up. “Another time."

 

***

“What was that?” Chris asked, slumping onto the floor.

“Hm?”

“You and Even,” he said.

“Oh, uh, we were just drinking.” When Chris didn’t look satisfied, Isak continued. “He found one of my shirts and I came over to collect it, so.”

Chris nodded. They were quiet for a while.

“Gaming?” Isak suggested.

The corners of Chris’ mouth twitched and he leant over, turned his Xbox on and passed Isak a controller. Isak felt a weight lift from him. This was better.

Still, Chris was acting a little weird. “Are you high?” Isak blurted out, settling down next to Chris.

Chris turned to him and laughed, and Isak only realised then that it was the first time Chris had smiled since he got in. “What?” Chris asked.

“Your eyes are red,” Isak said.

“Oh, yeah.” He rubbed them a little and stretched. “Yeah, I saw Lukas earlier.”

"That reminds me. Jonas needs to buy some weed,” Isak said. “Can you give him Lukas’ number?”

“I thought Jonas hated me,” Chris said. He nodded towards the TV. “Choose a player.”

“I – okay. Yeah, he does hate you. But we had an argument and if I sort this for him then we’re even.”

Chris glanced at Isak. “What did you argue about?”

“He found out I knew about you and Eva and didn’t say anything,” Isak mumbled.

Chris smirked. “That pissed him off?”

“Yeah, I – _no, go left_ – yeah. Because I’m his best friend and I should’ve had his back or whatever.”

“Why _didn’t_ you tell him?” Chris asked.

Isak sighed. “Because I didn’t think about it,” he said. “I don’t fucking know. Can you give me Lukas’ number or not?”

“I’m throwing a party at my dad’s cabin this weekend,” he said. “Come. Invite Jonas. Lukas will be there.”

“Can’t you just give me his number and be done with it?” Isak asked.

“I _could_ ,” Chris said. “But then how would I get you to come to the party?”

“You want me to come?”

He shrugged. “It’ll be more fun with you there. I thought you could come down early with me tomorrow and help set things up.” His eyes trailed over Isak’s body, slowly and obviously and teasingly. “We’d have the place to ourselves for a night.”

Isak put his controller down and looked at Chris. “You haven’t spoken to me in two days.”

Chris paused the game. “What?”

“You can’t just ignore my texts then expect me to do – to do whatever you want,” he said, voice growing louder. He wasn’t sure where this sudden burst of confidence was coming from, but he sort of rolled with it. He could always blame the beer if things went south. “If you don’t want to hook up for a while or see me or whatever that’s fine, but don’t just ignore me, Chris.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Like you did to me last weekend?”

Isak blinked. “I – that – that was different. I didn’t see my phone. I was studying,” he stuttered.

Chris raised his eyebrows. “Sure.” He shrugged. “Whatever. Don’t come to the party then.”

Isak stared at Chris, who was returning his attention to the game. Swallowing hard, Isak said, “I just want you to tell me if I’ve pissed you off or anything. Rather than ignoring me.”

Chris put the controller down and laughed. “Jesus Christ, you’re a needy drunk, you know that?” He shook Isak’s shoulder. “I wasn’t pissed off with you.”

“No?”

“I’d tell you if I was,” he said. His hand was still on Isak’s shoulder.

“But – ”

“Stop talking,” Chris said, leaning over and cupping Isak’s face. He slid his tongue into Isak’s mouth, kissing him, and Isak melted into it because – well, because it was Chris. He pulled away, wanting to ask Chris _more_ \- to talk to him _more_ \- but his eyes were focused on Chris’ lips and soon he was kissing him again.

They grew hungrier and more desperate, and Chris moved so that he was sitting on top of Isak, straddling him, rocking against his hips. Isak pulled Chris closer to him and it was teeth and tongue and hands running through hair and _fuck,_ it had only been a couple of days, but Isak had missed this.

When Isak tried to get Chris’ shirt off, Chris froze and pulled back.

“What?” Isak asked.

Chris grinned, face inches away from Isak’s. “Tomorrow.”

“What?”

“We’ll continue this at the cabin,” Chris said, and kissed Isak again, quick and brief. He slapped Isak’s cheek gently. “Go home, pretty boy.”

 

***

 

When Isak returned to the living room, Even was gone and the beers had been cleared away. He wondered whether he should go knock on Even’s door and say goodbye or something, but in the end he just picked up his bag and left. He caught the bus home, frustrated and annoyed but happy and excited and, well, _confused_ , above all else. Chris was a head fuck, and Isak couldn’t shake the feeling that he could’ve said more, asked more, pressed more, if he hadn’t been so fucking weak.

It wasn’t until he got home and opened his bag that he found his t-shirt, washed and dried, folded neatly in there. He rummaged around some more and pulled out a DVD box set entitled BAZ LURHMAN: THE COLLECTION. There was a note stuck on the front.

_For your viewing pleasure_

_(even though you’ve seen them all before, obviously)_

_-E_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok ok ok SO. This chapter is really, really dialogue heavy. I'm aware of that. But I prefer that style of writing sometimes because it just feels more natural to me.  
> Also I have a problem: I can't stop writing this fic. To the point where I"m uploading a new chapter on a Saturday night. Whoops.  
> I changed the chapter names because I didn't like using the days of the week anymore :)  
> As usual thank you sososososo much for all the comments <3


	6. What's wrong with you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: drug use, homophobic slurs  
> *boot=trunk, as in, of a car. Idk how much this is used outside of Britain but I was talking to my American friend about the boot of my car and she looked at me like I'd gone crazy haha. So just thought I'd clear that up to avoid any confusion :)  
> This is a long chapter, but I didn't want to cut anything out and I couldn't find a natural place to end it other than the point I wanted to end it at so...yeah.  
> Thank you for all the lovely comments, as always :) It really keeps me motivated and I get so happy reading them! <3

Friday, 11:20

 **Chris** : You’re so hot

 **Isak** : your phones working again then

 **Chris** : Haha

Fuck you

 **Isak** : could’ve last night

you were the one that wanted to stop

 **Chris** : How else was I supposed to get you to come to the cabin?

 **Isak** : by asking me like a normal person

would’ve come anyway seeing as you won’t give me Lukas’ number

dick

 **Chris** : Lol

What time do you finish today?

 **Isak** : 15:30

 **Chris** : Shall I pick you up from school?

 **Isak** : need to get my stuff first

i’ll meet you at yours

 **Chris:** Yeah?

  **Isak** : yeah

eskild will probably call the police if you show up at mine again

 **Chris** : Hahaha okay

 **Isak** : did you ask Lukas about the stuff?

 **Chris** : Yeah he’s bringing it tomorrow

 **Isak** : thanks

 **Chris** : :)

 

***

“Hey.”

Eva flopped down on the chair next to Isak and removed her hat and gloves. She passed him a cup.

“I bought you a coffee,” she said.

“Oh,” Isak said, shutting his laptop. “Thanks.”

He took a sip and winced.

“You take sugar?” Eva asked. Isak nodded and Eva sighed, throwing her head on the desk. “I forgot.”

“It’s fine. It’s not that bad,” Isak said, grinning.

“Fuck you – look at you, you can’t even drink it!” she said.

Isak laughed and shrugged. “Maybe it’s a little dreadful.”

“A little dreadful,” Eva repeated. Her hair was in her face and frayed away in static strands from her head. She cocked her head and smiled, then said, “I just came to say sorry.”

“Sorry?” Isak asked.

“It was really shitty of me to hook up with Chris.”

Isak felt his cheeks burn red and he looked at his coffee, swirling the cup in his hand. “You don’t have to apologise to me, Eva.”

“I do. It was wrong.”

“Yeah, but only because you’re with Jonas,” Isak said. “Seriously, if everyone Chris has ever hooked up with came to apologise to me, I’d be eighty by the time they were done.”

“But I’m your friend,” Eva said. “And everyone knows that Chris is _your_ person.”

“ _My_ person?” Isak repeated, laughing. He squinted a little. “What does that mean?”

“Well, you know. You two have a thing.”

“A thing,” Isak repeated, smile fading. He nodded and shrugged, shoulders heavy. “Yeah but, he still hooks up with whoever he wants. So you’re just a long line of people he’s done stuff with.”

Eva slapped him on the arm. “Will you just shut up and accept my apology, please?!”

Isak laughed. “Fine, fine. I accept your apology, Eva.”

“Good,” she said, and they smiled at each other for a while. “Anyway, I’ve decided I’m going to come to the party tomorrow. _With_ Jonas. Prove to him that the whole thing with Chris was just a mistake. That it didn’t mean anything.”

Isak stared at her for a while. “Eva, you know why Jonas is going to be there, right?”

“Hm?”

“Like – okay, he’s my best friend, so I probably shouldn’t say this - but he’s going there to buy weed.”

Eva took a deep sigh and nodded. “I know,” she said finally. “He told me.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

Eva looked up searchingly at the ceiling, then said, “I’m trying this thing where I try _not_ to change people.”

“What do you mean?” Isak asked.

Eva looked at him. “Like, me and Jonas are never going to work if we don’t just _accept_ each other, you know? So, Jonas smokes marijuana. If he really wants to do that, then who am I to stop him? It would be like asking Vilde to stop caring about russ, or – or asking Chris to stop sleeping around.”

Isak chewed his lip and felt himself turning red. He stared pointedly at his cup again. “Yeah but… if it hurts you, maybe you should try and get him to change.”

“Well, then I’d risk losing him.”

 

***

Friday, 14:16

 **Magnus** : did you know you can see the biology teacher’s nipples through her shirt?! what the fuckkkk

 **Jonas** : Everyone’s noticed that Mags

 **Isak** : even I’ve noticed that

 **Magnus** : i can never sit in biology again, she’s going to give me a boner

distract me!!!

 **Jonas** : Donald Trump

 **Isak** : vladimir putin

 **Jonas** : Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin

Naked

 **Magnus** : ok i think we’re good….thanks

 **Jonas** : What are friends for?

 **Magnus** : haha

 also!! so excited for tomorrow boysss

 **Isak** : are you coming too?

 **Magnus** : yeah!!!!

 **Jonas** : I told him he could come

 **Magnus** : do you think the rumours about university chicks are true?

 **Jonas** : What rumours?

 **Magnus** : that they all do anal

 **Isak** : wtf

 **Jonas** : Jeez

Where did you hear that?!

 **Magnus** : i just heard it somewhere

 **Mahdi** : are you sure it wasn’t another one of your fucked up dreams?

 **Jonas** : Nice of you to join us Escobar

 **Magnus** : i think a guy in second year told me

so it isn’t true then?

 **Jonas** : I don’t think every single female who is taking a course at a university is up for anal Mags, no

 **Isak** : probably best to just start by asking one of them to dance

are you coming too mahdi?

 **Mahdi** : no, family stuff

Make sure you sort out the green Jonas, people are waiting on it

 **Jonas** : I’ll fix it

Chill

 

***

Isak arrived at Chris’ house a lot later than he’d meant to. After packing his bag, he was forbidden to leave the house until he finished washing up and cleared away the laundry he’d had hanging on the clothes horse for four days. Eskild had been moaning that he was jealous of Isak’s cabin trip up until Isak revealed it was _Chris’_ cabin, then he lost all interest and sulked away.

Isak knocked on Chris’ door and was surprised when Even answered.

“Hey,” Even said, leaning on the doorframe.

“Hi,” Isak said. “Uh, I’m here for Chris.”

Even looked back and nodded. “He’s just getting ready.”

“Awesome.”

Isak stepped inside. They were quiet for a moment, and Even just sort of stared at Isak, and Isak didn’t really know what to say. Then: “Oh, uh, thank you for the films.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “Have you watched any yet?”

“Nah, I’ll probably watch them next week or something.” Isak smirked. “Or _rewatch_ them, I mean. Seeing as I’ve seen them all before, obviously.”

Even laughed, which made the side of his eyes crinkle. “Obviously.” His expression shifted a little and he chewed his lip. “If you-“

“Hey,” said Chris, grinning.

He walked towards Isak and kissed him, quick and brief, and slung an arm over his shoulder. Isak sort of froze in surprise, because he wasn’t used to this sort of casual affection from Chris. At least not while they were both sober.

Chris pulled Isak closer to him and inhaled. “You smell good,” he said.

Isak felt his cheeks turn red and laughed a little awkwardly. Chris dropped his arm and walked towards the door. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” said Isak. He looked up at Even, who was watching Chris. “Are – uh – are you coming to the party, Even?”

Even raised his eyebrows and looked between Chris, who had stopped near the front door, and Isak. “Party?”

“Chris is throwing a party at his dad’s cabin tomorrow,” Isak said.

“Yeah?” Even asked.

Chris took his hand off the door handle. “Yeah,” he said, turning around, placing his hands in his pockets. “You should come, man. It’ll be fun.”

Even nodded, returning his attention to Isak. “Okay,” he said. “What’s the address?”

“I’ll text you the details,” Chris said. “Coming, Isak?”

 

***

 

It was almost impossible not to get swept up in Chris when he was in a mood like this. His grins were bigger, his laughs were louder and he was making these stupid little jokes that weren’t funny at all and, yet, Isak was laughing along to them.

They stopped off for petrol about half an hour into the journey. After paying, Chris ran across the street to a store, and Isak was sat in the car. His phone vibrated in his pocket.

 

Facebook Messenger

 **Even** : What’s happening tomorrow then?

 **Isak** : party starts at 22:00

but think chris plans on hosting predrinks before then, not sure what time tho

i’ll let you know

 **Even** : Thanks.

What’s the address?

 **Isak** : chris is going to text it to you

 **Even** : Chris doesn’t have my number. Or Facebook.

 **Isak** : oh

i’ll find out for you :)

 

Chris came back to the car with two bags. He passed one to Isak.

“I couldn’t remember if you liked barbecue or salted better, so I just got both,” he said, strapping on his seatbelt.

“Thanks,” Isak said, peering in the bag and seeing two packets of crisps, a sandwich, a drink, and – he smirked and pulled the box out, holding it silently and raising an eyebrow at Chris.

Chris grinned. “I forgot to pack any,” he said. “My dad probably has some, but I thought it’d be kind of weird to use my dad’s condoms.”

Isak let out a bark of laughter as Chris started the car up. “A little weird,” he agreed. His phone buzzed.

Facebook Messenger

 **Even** : Thanks. No rush.

 

“Who’s that?” Chris asked casually, throwing a crisp into his mouth.

“Even,” Isak replied. “He wants to know what the address is for tomorrow.”

Chris licked his lips and grinned. “You know, I heard the funniest thing about Even yesterday.”

“Mm?” Isak asked curiously. There was something about Even that intrigued Isak, but he had no fucking clue what it was.

“Apparently the reason he was looking to move house was because he got kicked out of his old one,” Chris said. He opened the window to reposition his wing mirror.

“Serious?”

“Mhm,” Chris chimed. “He went completely fucking crazy. Like just” – Chris snapped his fingers – “snapped. His landlord came over one day and found the front of the house covered in all these passages from the Quran or whatever. And when they went into Even’s room, he’d painted this massive mural of his girlfriend completely naked on his wall.”

“Jesus,” Isak said. He tried to match what Chris was saying to the person he’d met, but it didn’t seem to fit. Then again, Isak reminded himself, he’d only had a few conversations with the guy. It had felt like a lot more. He shook his head a little, feeling something inside him deflate. “He seemed so normal.”

 

***

 

“Fucking hell,” Isak said, staring up at the cabin. He’d known Chris’ parents were rich, but the building he was looking at was more mansion than cabin. It faced a huge lake and was surrounded by a mile-wide stretch of woodland.

Chris was grinning, tongue licking at the corner of his mouth. “Impressed?”

Isak rolled his eyes and smiled. “Let’s get our stuff inside. It’s freezing.”

Chris paused and moved in front of the boot*, preventing Isak from reaching it. His expression shifted and he tapped his foot nervously.

Isak narrowed his eyes. “What?” he asked.

Chris looked at the road they’d just driven up, then back at Isak. “Don’t’ be mad.”

“At what?” Isak asked, feeling dread crawl over him. Chris just looked at him, and Isak couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. “At _what_ , Chris?”

“Just promise me.”

“I – did you get someone pregnant?”

Chris looked up. “What?!” he asked, laughing.

Isak threw his arms in the air. He couldn’t help feeling a little relieved. “Well, it wouldn’t surprise me!”

“I didn’t get anyone pregnant.” He sighed. “Fuck it. Come here.”

He opened the boot, shuffled some of Isak's bags around and pulled out a black suitcase. He knelt on the floor, unzipped it, and Isak stepped back.

“ _Jesus_ , Chris!”

“I said don’t get mad.”

“Is that what it looks like?”

Chris closed the suitcase and looked up at Isak seriously. “Yes.”

“Where the fuck did you get that much cocaine from?”

Chris stood up quickly “Shut up,” he hissed.

Isak rolled his eyes. “Look around, Chris, there’s no one here.”

“It isn’t mine,” Chris said, more softly. “It’s my dad’s. I told him I’d take it out here for him.”

Isak just stared. Chris laughed.

“You’re not going to tell me you’re shocked that my dad uses,” he said.  

“I – no, but – I mean – the fuck, Chris, there must be fifteen pounds of it in there.”

Chris shrugged. “Well, he works hard, he plays harder,” he said breezily. “I need you to keep watch for me while I take it to his hiding place.”

Isak scoffed. “Seriously?”

“Yes.”

Isak pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “Am I in a fucking episode of breaking bad or something?”

Chris laughed and grabbed Isak’s shoulder, shaking him a little. “Chill, pretty boy. We’re not producing meth.” He gave Isak a smile. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

Isak was quiet for a second, then threw his hands up and turned away. “Okay, just – just be fucking quick.”

 

***

The solitude of the cabin seemed to give the atmosphere a sort of quiet electricity. Isak knew, when he got inside, what was going to happen. He could feel it in his fingertips, in the glances Chris was giving him, in the way their eyes kept drifting to each other’s lips. Sure enough, not long after fixing the heating, they were kissing.

It was the type of intimacy they only ever had when they were completely alone together. Not alone in the way they were in each other’s bedrooms, when there were housemates or friends or whoever around. But truly alone, together, knowing the only two people in a one mile radius were right here, connected.

They were kissing slowly. There was no need to hurry, and both of them knew it. Isak was sat on the kitchen counter, his legs wrapped around Chris’ waist, arms looped around his neck. And Chris was kissing him, slowly, his hands under Isak’s shirt, resting on his hips.

Isak hungered for Chris, of course he did, but he also thought that he would quite happily sit here and kiss him forever. On a darker day, he would have wondered whether Chris had this effect on everyone he kissed.

Suddenly, there was banging on the window, and Isak was dragged back to reality.

Chris moved to look behind Isak, his hands still resting on Isak’s hips. The two of them were impossibly still for a moment.

“It’s the police, isn’t it?” Isak asked, breath heavy, heart pounding.

Chris frowned, his hands tightening around Isak's flesh, digging his nails in. His mouth was hanging open, lips swollen and wet. Several people were shouting, laughing, jeering, whooping. Chris sighed and relaxed. “What the fuck?”

Isak followed his line of sight and saw Lukas, William, and two other boys he’d never seen before all gawking through the window directly behind him. His stomach sank.

“Did you invite them?” Isak asked, hopping off the counter as Chris moved to the door.

“No,” Chris said, and he sounded genuinely annoyed. “They weren’t supposed to be coming until tomorrow.”  He ran a hand through his hair and tugged a little awkwardly at his jeans before opening the door.

“Didn’t I tell you, boys? I _told_ you he’d be here getting his dick wet!” Lukas said, opening his arms wide and pulling Chris into a hug. “Chris, you fucking legend.”

When they broke apart and Chris moved to hug the others, Lukas’ eyes fell on Isak and he laughed. “I didn’t realise you were still messing around with this little faggot!”

Isak chewed on his lip, feeling stupidly small and wishing he could come up with something to say back. Instead he just sort of stood there as Lukas laughed.

Chris looked between the two of them, then said, “What are you all doing here, anyway?”

“We came over to yours to surprise you with drinks,” Lukas said. “When you weren’t there, we figured you’d be here getting your dick sucked.”

“Thought we could have a little pre-party before the _real_ party tomorrow,” said a tall brown-haired boy.

“Is that okay?” William asked, and Isak saw Chris shoot him an irritated look. William mouthed something that looked like ‘sorry’.

“Well, you’re fucking here now,” Chris said.

 

***

 

Isak hadn’t really said anything since Chris’ friends arrived.

What he _really_ wanted to do was go to bed. Preferably with Chris. Instead, he was sat trying to talk to William. He was the best of a bad bunch, but talking to him was just so fucking boring. After talking about Noora for half an hour, they’d run out of things to say and just sat there watching everyone else talk.

Isak took a sip of something that burnt his insides and stared at Chris, who was laughing at something Lukas had just said. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but Isak felt so fucking angry with him.

“Shots!” Lukas called, pulling out some plastic cups and pouring cap-sized shots of vodka into each of them. “Chris – here, yeah – Tomas, there you go– one for me – Elias – William –and one for the little blonde fag.”

“Lukas, come on,” Chris said, but there wasn't really any aggression behind it.

Lukas laughed and shoved Chris. “I’m _kidding_ , bro. Cheers!”

“Cheers,” everyone chimed.

Isak took back his shot, hoping it would at least make this a bit more bearable, and crunched the cup up in his hand. One of the boys – Elias, he thought – burst out laughing. He was staring at Isak.

Lukas elbowed Elias in the ribs and Isak realised they probably spat in his cup or something. He felt himself turning red and hated – _hated_ – the fact his eyes were getting a little wet. Maybe Chris noticed, or maybe it was pure chance, but a moment later he was distracting everyone with a story about some chick he’d pulled a couple of weeks ago. For once, Isak didn’t mind hearing about one of Chris’ other hook ups.

 

***

His heart was beating too fast. It crept up on him slowly, like a drum approaching from a distance, but now it was thudding loudly and quickly in his head, his ears, his chest. He closed his eyes and tried to listen to the conversation, but everyone was talking too quickly.

 

***

He was going to die. He couldn’t breathe. People were laughing. Someone was shouting. Things were crawling up and down his skin like bugs, making him itch, shiver. He tried to bat them away but it didn’t work. People laughed. He tried to see who, but everything was too bright. Too colourful. Too much. He squeezed his eyes shut.

 

***

One second later and he’d teleported to the bathroom. Someone was banging on the door. He turned the tap on, trying to drown out the noise, but the water against his skin felt too cold, too harsh, and he turned the tap off again. Bugs continued to crawl up and down his body, and he shook his shirt off to try and get them off.

***

“What's wrong with you?”

“Lighten up, bro, it’s fucking hilarious – have you seen…”

"...fuck were you thinking..."

“- LSD, it won’t kill him, it’ll just liven him up a bit…”

 

***

Four hours later – or five _minutes_ later – the door broke open. William and Chris were standing there. He could see them now. Their faces were clear and danced against the light from the hallway. He felt so relieved that he laughed, actually laughed, and then suddenly it was him and Chris, and William had gone and Isak was crying.

Chris’ voice felt far away and close to him at the same time. Loud and quiet. Fast and slow. Isak wanted to know what he was saying, but the words were getting mixed up in his head.

They were sat in a bathtub together, and Isak couldn’t remember how he got there. He was just happy that there wasn't any water in there. He felt one of the bugs crawl into his ear and he shuddered. It wouldn’t move, despite how much he slapped pathetically at his ear. Suddenly, Chris had Isak’s hands in his.

Hours passed. Or minutes. Or seconds or days or years. He couldn't tell. Chris was still there.

“I’m going to die,” Isak heard himself say.

“No, you’re not,” Chris said. “We’ve just got to ride it out, pretty boy.”


	7. Don't go home

Light was streaming through the window, and Isak squeezed his eyes tightly in protest. He blinked, adjusting to the brightness, his body aching. He looked down. He was still lying in the bathtub. He felt his heart beating rapidly in his chest as fragments from last night began making their way into his head. Dread gnawed at him, right in the pit of his stomach.

Chris was lying opposite him, sleeping, head positioned awkwardly between the wall and the taps. His legs were resting on top of Isak’s, making them numb, and Isak shuffled a little. It was enough to stir Chris, who awoke with a jolt and smacked his head on the wall. He clutched at his temple painfully.

“Hey,” he winced, sitting up.

Isak just stared at him. He felt his breath rising and falling rapidly. “What happened?”

“What time is it?” Chris asked, but he was already pulling his phone out of his pocket and checking for himself. He sighed and put it away. “How’re you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” Isak said, and his voice broke. “My head’s fucked.”

“Are you seeing anything?” Chris asked steadily, pushing himself up a bit more and folding one of his legs under the other. “Can you feel anything on you?”

Isak shook his head no, but he was forcibly reminded of how vividly he felt those bugs crawling all over his body last night. He shuddered.

“Are you sure?” Chris asked, looking unconvinced.

“Yes,” Isak managed. He was frowning, trying decide whether he wanted to remember more of last night or not. “What happened?” he asked again.

“It was Lukas,” Chris said groggily, rubbing his eyes. “Lukas and Elias. They put LSD into your drink when you weren’t looking. I don’t fucking – they thought it’d be funny, but you freaked out.”

Isak was quiet for a while. He felt stupid and humiliated and embarrassed. He wanted to go home. “Did you know?” he asked. “That they were going to do it?”

Chris stopped rubbing his eye and looked at Isak, offended. “Obviously not.”

Isak stared at the bathroom door, which had been knocked off its hinges. The hallway light was on.

“Are they still here?”

Chris was quiet for a while. “They’re downstairs,” he said eventually.

Isak’s eyes were welling up and he pulled his knees to his chest, running his hands through his hair. He wanted to scrub last night from his mind.

“Let’s shower,” Chris suggested, placing a hand on Isak’s knee and shaking him a little. “Yeah? Then we can go lie down for a while. In an actual bed,” he added, grinning, and Isak smiled weakly.

***

The shower screeched on and Isak flinched. It sounded louder than usual. The water sprayed down and Chris placed his hand under it as he adjusted the temperature.

“Is that good?”

Isak felt the jets of water and nodded. Once they'd stripped from their clothes, they stepped inside. Isak flinched again – the water was heavy against his skin – and Chris adjusted the pressure. Then he sighed. The warmth was soothing against his aching muscles, at least.

Chris washed himself, and Isak shook his head when Chris offered him some shower gel. He just wanted to stand in the water for a while. He wondered vaguely if Chris would wash him, but Chris simply nodded and set the gel back on the shelf.

They finished up, and Isak’s hands were shaking so much that Chris had to tie his towel for him. Then Isak noticed something.

“Did I do that?” he asked, pointing at the bruises that had bloomed, dark and blue, on Chris’ ribs.

Chris looked down at his body and was quiet for a while. “Don’t stress about it,” he said.

“I did, didn’t I?” Isak asked, voice breaking.

“Look, you had a bad trip and you’ve only had two hours sleep. You just need to take it easy. Let’s go to bed, yeah?”

Isak swallowed and nodded, and they walked together to the bedroom. Once they were inside, Chris locked the door and passed Isak his bag. He changed into some boxers and a hoodie and crawled into bed, and Chris settled beside him, and they lay and looked at each other for a while.

Isak began to cry.

“Hey,” Chris said, brushing the tear away with his thumb.

Isak rolled onto his back and sighed irritably, trying to get in control of his breathing. His head was spinning at a hundred miles an hour, but he was so tired that all he could do was lie there and experience it.

“It can be like this after a comedown,” Chris said quietly. Isak turned to him and stared as Chris continued. “You just kind of… _feel_ everything a bit more.”

“How long does it last?” Isak asked.

“You’ll feel better after you sleep,” Chris promised.

Isak frowned, breath still shaky, feeling stupid but unable to do anything about it. “Can you ask them to leave?”

Chris swallowed and brushed some of Isak’s hair away from his forehead. “If you want.”

***

When he woke up, Chris was sat next to him cross-legged on the bed. His hair was messy and unstyled, sticking up in a thousand different directions. Isak rolled onto his back.

“Hey,” Chris said, putting his phone down. “Feeling better?”

“What time is it?” Isak asked.

“Half four.”

Isak pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jesus.”

They were quiet for a while. _Everything_ was quiet, except for the rain which patted lazily against the roof.

“Are they gone?” Isak asked.

Chris nodded. “But they're going to come back for the party. Lukas is kind of determined to fix this deal with Jonas now, so.”

Isak had forgotten all about that.

“Where’s my phone?” he asked. His voice cracked and he realised how thirsty he was.

“Charging,” Chris said, nodding towards the shelf. “Why?”

“I’m going to ask Eskild to come and pick me up,” Isak told him, making the decision as the words fell from his lips. He pushed himself out of bed; his limbs felt heavy and his head hurt, but his mind was feeling clearer.

“What? Why?”

Isak turned to him and scoffed. “Why do you think, Chris?”

He dialled Eskild’s number, but it just rang through to voicemail. He sighed irritably and sat back on the bed, running a hand through his hair. Chris moved to sit next to him and put an arm over Isak’s shoulder.

“They’re arseholes. Fuck them," Chris said.

“They’re your friends,” Isak told him.

“Fuck them,” Chris said again, pulling Isak closer. He was quiet for a while, then said, “Don’t go home. I don’t want you to go home.”

Isak looked at him and scoffed.

“I mean it,” Chris told him.

Isak didn’t know what to say. Instead, he closed the space between them and kissed Chris, who pulled back quickly and stared at Isak, scanning his eyes, before meeting his lips again.

Chris kissed Isak slowly, teasingly, and it was enough at first but then Isak grew hungrier. He opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, tugging at Chris’ shirt, and Chris moaned into him and pushed Isak back on the bed.

“Tell me what you want,” Chris murmured against Isak’s mouth, their bodies pressed impossibly close together.

Isak wanted a lot of things. He wanted Chris to stop sleeping around. He wanted Chris to tell Lukas and the others not to come tonight. He wanted to stop feeling embarrassed and ashamed and anxious and sick and full of so much _dread_. But what he wanted most right now was Chris’ body against his, because at least that could make him forget everything for a while.

“You,” Isak said as Chris leant in for another kiss.

“Yeah?” Chris asked, grinding down on Isak, eyes fixed on his lips.

“Yeah,” Isak repeated.

Chris pressed quick kisses against Isak’s mouth, his cheek, his neck. He stopped briefly, throwing his shirt away and pulling Isak’s hoodie off, then returned to Isak’s neck, moving down to his chest, his stomach, and then he was pulling Isak’s boxers off and he was kissing the inside of Isak’s thigh teasingly.

Isak couldn’t help it – he was so full of need and _want_ for Chris that he put a hand against Chris’ head and moved him towards his dick impatiently. Chris let out a bark of laughter, stroking Isak a couple of times before taking him into his mouth.

Isak gasped, bucking his hips. He stared at Chris, whose eyes were closed, lashes brown and thick, and it was sweet pleasure because Chris _knew_ Isak – knew his body and all the ways he loved to be touched.

Isak pulled Chris’ head away when he felt himself get too close. Chris moved up Isak’s body and kissed him messily and hungrily, grabbing his arse and pulling Isak closer still. They groaned into each other’s mouths, and only broke apart when Chris reached for his bag to grab the lube.

“Turn over, pretty boy,” Chris murmured.

Isak obliged, and it wasn’t long until it was just the movement of their bodies and raindrops against the roof; until it was lips against skin and ragged breathing in Isak's ear and fingernails digging into flesh and _pleasure_ , pure and unfiltered, running through both of their veins. And that was all there was and all Isak wanted there to be.

 

***

 

The rest of the early evening was spent in bed together. They smoked a spliff Chris found in a box under the bed, and watched a porn movie they found in his dad’s DVD collection. Chris had thought it would be hot, but it turned out the film was from the 80s and was ridiculously badly acted. If anything, the whole thing was just kind of horrifying. They laughed the entire way through it, though.

It wasn’t until around half an hour before the party that Isak looked at his phone, and his stomach sank.

_Lukas Anderson has tagged you in a video._

Isak looked up at Chris, who was fixing his hair in the mirror.

“Did they take a video last night?” he asked.

Chris froze, looking at him through the reflection. “What?”

“Last night. Did they take a video of me when I was – when I was – you know. When I was tripping or whatever.”

“I asked them to delete it,” Chris said.

Isak laughed humourlessly. “Yeah, well it’s on Facebook now.”

“What?”

Isak, very shakily, pressed the play button.

 

He was sat in the bathtub, tugging and pulling and scratching madly at his shirt. His knees were tucked up to his chest and he was staring at the tap, his breathing mad and manic and heavy and fast. He looked fucking insane.

Lukas and someone else were laughing. The camera panned and Isak saw that it was Elias.

 _“What the fuck, bro?”_ Lukas whispered, laughing. _“He’s tripping balls.”_

 _“He looks like something from the fucking exorcist movie,”_ Elias laughed. The camera panned back down to Isak, who was now looking at the camera like some shit from paranormal activity.

 _“Oh, shit!”_ Lukas laughed.

Isak stood up and started towards the camera – towards Lukas – and everything went shaky as Lukas and Elias ran out of the bathroom laughing and shouting _“Go, go, go!”._

The bathroom door slammed shut behind them, the lock clicked, and the video ended.

 

Isak felt his blood run cold. He could see, objectively, how hilarious it was. He looked fucking crazy. And he _wanted_ to laugh at it. To joke about how funny he looked. But it just made his eyes fill up and his skin crawl, and he sat on the bed and willed himself not to cry.

 “I’m going to uh, stay up here,” Isak said finally. “For the party.” 

“Isak, come on—“ Chris began, but the doorbell cut him off.

Isak sniffed and wiped his cheeks irritably. “Answer it,” he said.

“Why don’t you—“

Isak pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “Just answer the door, Chris, Jesus!”

 

***

The music thudded loudly below Isak, who was lying in bed with a pillow pressed over his ears. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to sleep, but in the end it was kind of pointless.

He sat up, bored. He couldn’t even go on his phone, because after untagging himself from the video and blocking Lukas on Facebook, he’d turned it off, not wanting to think about it anymore.

There was a knock on the door. It wasn’t the first time that night that some horny couple had snuck away upstairs looking for a room to fuck in. The door was locked so he just stayed silent, hoping they’d go away.

They knocked again.

Then again.

Then: “Isak, will you let us in?”

It was Eva.

Isak pushed himself off the bed and unlocked the door. Eva, Magnus and Jonas pushed past him, not giving him time to come up with a reason not to let them in.

“What the fuck, Isak?” Eva asked. She was swaying a little, clutching a bottle of vodka. “Why are you hiding up here?”

Isak opened his mouth to spew out some bullshit about feeling ill, but he thought better of it. He took a deep breath and told them what had happened.

They were all quiet for a while. Eventually, Jonas shook his head and said, “Jesus, that’s fucked up.”

“We saw the video – fucking _hilarious_ – but we didn’t know you didn’t choose to _take_ the drugs,” Magnus said.

“Why didn’t you say anything, man? We could’ve driven down and come got you,” Jonas said.

Isak pursed his lips. Eva was frowning, looking deep in thought. Then, she said, “Yeah, but, I mean, you can’t stay locked in this room forever.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It _means_ ,” she said, grabbing Isak’s arm, “that you’re doing this all wrong. The way to get over something shitty isn’t by hiding in your room all evening. You need get drunk and do something stupid so you forget whatever it is you were worried about.”

Isak laughed. “Is that right?”

Eva nodded enthusiastically, and Jonas laughed. “What Eva means is that it’s a good party, man. You should come join.”

Isak smiled and looked at his lap. “I don’t really want to see _them_ , though. So.”

“Lukas and Elias?” Magnus asked. “Man, they’re so fucked, they won’t even recognise you. Seriously. They just tried to give Jonas double the amount of weed he’d asked for then forgot he hadn’t given them any money.”

“Plus, there’s a really hot guy downstairs that I _know_ I’ve seen at some gay clubs with Eskild,” Eva said, winking. “So, I think we should just sit in here and get you nice and drunk, then head downstairs and join everyone else. What do you say?”

Isak looked at her, then at Jonas and Magnus, who were all smiling at him. He threw his hands in the air. “Okay, fuck it, let’s do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY TO END IT THERE but this chapter was getting so completely, ridiculously long that I had to cut it off. Part 2 of the party will be coming soon, either tomorrow or the day after.  
> The comments on the last chapter were SO LOVELY, they seriously made me so happy haha. So thank you as always <3


	8. Do you smoke?

There were far more people at the party than Isak thought there would be. Around two hundred or so. Almost all of the rooms were packed full of people, and all the doors to the outside were open, with people spilling out into the garden and some going as far as splashing around in the lake. Whilst it made the cabin uncomfortably hot and sweaty, he was glad for it, because it made it a thousand times more difficult to bump into Lukas or the others.

He wasn’t sure whether it was all the shots he’d had, or the fact that he was sat laughing with Jonas and Eva as they watched Magnus fail miserably at picking up girls, but Isak was enjoying himself.

“Fucking hell,” Eva said. She was sat on Jonas’ lap, swaying, laughing. “Can you _believe_ we’re friends with the creep who prowls around on his own chatting up girls at parties?!”

Then she stopped laughing and gasped. “Wait.”

 “No,” Jonas said disbelievingly.

“Is she fucking falling for it?!” Eva asked.

They all watched, frozen, as Magnus began kissing a pretty brown-haired girl.

Isak let out a bark of laughter. “Jesus Christ.”

“Should we stop them?!” Eva asked.

“What?! No,” said Jonas. “Give the guy a break. He never gets girls.”

“Yeah, and tomorrow morning that girl is going to wake up and think, ‘fucking hell, I slept with _that_ guy last night!’” Eva said.

“You think he’s actually going to get her into bed?” Isak asked, laughing, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh my God,” Eva said, sitting up suddenly. She slapped Isak’s arm. “ _That’s_ the guy, Isak! That – the hot one I said you'd like -“

“I don't know how you know what kind of guys I like, Eva,” Isak said, but he looked anyway. “Oh.”

“Yeah, I was speaking to him earlier,” she said. “He – what’s his name, fucking hell, it’s something like –“

“Even,” Isak said.

Even was standing with a group of friends, laughing, chatting, looking at ease. He was wearing a denim jacket and black jeans, his hair styled in a quiff. It was a different look to the one Isak had seen him wear when he’d been at home.

“Yes! Wait, do you know him?” Eva said, and she gasped dramatically, clutching Isak’s arm. “ _Wait_! Have you already hooked up with him? Is this going to be really awkward?!”

“No,” Isak scoffed. “He’s Chris’ new housemate.”

He suddenly realised that he’d never texted Even the address, and he felt a little bit of guilt wrap around him. He'd been too distracted by Chris and the cabin and the cocaine and LSD and - he shut his mind off. Better not to think about it.

He stared at Even some more. It had seemed weird that Even had painted all that shit on his previous house, but Isak was now the star of a video where he sat in a bathtub looking fucking crazy, so maybe they were even. And now he thought about it, Even was probably high at the time as well. In fact, that was _definitely_ it – Even had told him the other day that he didn’t do drugs anymore. That was probably why.

“I’m, uh, going to say hi,” Isak decided suddenly. He pushed himself up, stumbling a little – realising he was more drunk than he thought – and walked over to Even. He stopped outside Even's circle of friends, standing a little awkwardly until Even turned and saw him.

“Hi,” Even said.

“Hey.” Isak wasn’t really sure what to say.

“Beer?” Even asked.

“Thanks.” Isak took a sip and bounced a little awkwardly on his heels. Then, he said, “I, uh, just came over to say sorry. I completely forgot to give you the address, so.”

Even shrugged. “It’s fine. Turns out my friends were all heading here anyway.”

Isak nodded. “Okay. But, uh, I just forgot. Some shit happened and I – it wasn’t like I was ignoring you or anything.”

Even smiled. “I didn’t think you were.” They were quiet for a little longer, then Even said, “Chris told me about you two.”

Isak’s eyes snapped up a little too quickly. “What did he say?” he asked, trying to sound casual.

“Just that you two hook up sometimes,” Even said casually. “That you have this… _thing_ , I think he called it.”

“ _This thing_ ,” Isak repeated, laughing a little bitterly. He shrugged. “Yeah, it’s like, we hook up sometimes. I don’t know. It’s not like we’re together or anything.”

“No?”

“No,” Isak said. “Like, we can still make out with other people or whatever. It’s not…we’re not… _together_. Like that. So we’re completely honest when he - we - hook up with other people. Yeah.”

“So…what would he do if we just started making out right now?”

Isak looked up. “ _What_?”

Even laughed. “I’m just kidding.”

Isak could feel Even’s eyes on him, but he continued to stare at the floor. Even had a weird effect on him – he was almost intimidating to look at, even though he was all smiles and charm and blue eyes.

“But seriously,” Even said, voice lower. “What would he do if you started kissing someone else tonight?”

“He’d be chill with it,” Isak said, shrugging. He stretched and took a sip of beer. “We’re not together, so.”

“You keep saying that.” Even’s leg was bouncing. “What if _he_ kissed someone else?”

“He does that all the time,” Isak said, laughing a little.

“Yeah, but how would you feel about it?”

Isak frowned, staring at the floor. “I’d be fine with it,” he said quietly.

Even laughed. “You’re a shit liar.”

“What?! I’m a great liar.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.”

“I am!” Isak said indignantly.

“Okay,” Even said, cocking his head.

They were quiet for a while, and Isak stared back at the floor. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. He closed his eyes. “Sometimes I wish he wouldn’t,” he said quickly. He flitted his eyes over Even, just for a second. “Hook up with other people, I mean.”

Even pressed his lips together. It was his turn to stare at the floor, apparently. “Why don’t you tell him, then?”

Isak laughed, because the very idea was fucking ridiculous. “Because I – that would be – it – he would just…” He shook his head. “That’s not what he wants.”

“But it’s what _you_ want,” Even said. “And honestly, I think it’s a little unfair of you not to tell him how you feel.”

Isak wrinkled his nose. “What?”

“Yeah, because, like…” Even shifted a little. “You said he’s honest with you, but you’re not being honest with him. He thinks he’s in a no strings attached thing and…that’s not the case. It’s not fair on him.”

“Yeah, but if I tell him how I feel he’ll just call the whole thing off.”

“If that’s what he decides to do when he hears the truth, then that’s his decision to make.” Even nudged Isak’s shoulder. “And would it be so bad?”

“Isak,” Jonas said.

Isak turned around. Jonas was standing there, supporting Eva as she stood, head floppy, hair all over her face. “Do you have the key to Chris’ room?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “Jesus, how much has she had?”

Almost on cue, Eva threw up onto the floor.

“I just need to – get her to lie down or something,” he said.

“Yeah,” Isak said. “I’ll take you guys up.”

He turned to Even and looked at him apologetically, but Even just smiled.

“It’s okay,” he said.

***

Getting upstairs took a stupidly long time, because the house was crowded and Eva was heavier than she looked. It didn’t help that they had to stop every five minutes to let her throw up. By the time they got upstairs, they were both panting and sweating, and Eva was mumbling a disjointed apology.

It took Isak a few attempts to get the key in the lock, because he was swaying and stumbling himself. When he finally got it in, the door swung open anyway. 

“You’re – oh, hey,” Chris said, his face relaxing into an easy grin. “I was looking for you.”

"Hey," Isak said, but his stomach dropped. He knew Chris, and he knew what his messy hair meant, what his swollen red lips meant, what his flushed cheeks meant. Soon enough, a girl peered over Chris’ shoulder. It felt like someone had punched him.

“Seriously?” Isak said. It came out before he really had time to think about it.

Chris looked at Isak, then at the girl, then back at Isak. “Are you-“

“You had me in that bed eight fucking hours ago,” Isak said, voice broken and shaky, hating how fucking small he sounded.

“Wait, you’re gay?” the girl asked, looking at Chris. “Is that why–“

Isak rolled his eyes and stormed off, past Jonas, who was knelt over Eva, and past all the people standing in the hall, smoking and drinking and talking and being happy.

Suddenly, something tripped Isak up, and he fell flat on the floor. He looked back and saw Lukas, whose leg was outstretched.

“Don’t _trip_ ,” Lukas scoffed.

Isak froze. Then, without thinking, he got up and pushed Lukas, hard, so that Lukas stumbled into the person behind him and his drink fell to the floor with a smash.

Lukas was up in a second, diving towards Isak with his fist raised, and Isak’s heart was in his ears as his fist curled, readying himself, blood pumping through him, screaming for a fight – _ready_ for it – but then someone was pulling Lukas back, and someone else – fucking _Magnus_ – was standing between them, a hand placed on Isak’s chest.

“He fucking _pushed_ me, bro,” Lukas said, wrestling in William’s grip. “Did you see that? – _Get off_ – He fucking pushed me!”

“Yeah, and you deserve a lot worse,” William grunted, dragging Lukas away. Lukas shrugged William off him, punched a wall, and stormed off.

There was a small moment of silence as people in the surrounding area stood, some with their mouths open, some looking confused, some staring at Isak. Then, almost at once, people resounded back into chatter.

“Fucking hell, Isak,” Magnus said, “Are you crazy?”

Isak’s heart was still beating fast. His head was spinning, from the drink or the adrenaline or the anger, he didn’t know. And suddenly Chris was in front of him, and Isak just stared at him, daring him to say something too.

“What the fuck was that?” Chris asked, laughing.

“What did it look like?” Isak snapped.

“Chill out, crazy,” Chris said. His brows were furrowed, but he was still smiling. He looked Isak up and down. Moved closer to him. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re angry," he said, voice smooth and rough all at once.

Maybe Isak would have fallen for it another time, but his hands were still shaking, his mind still racing, and through all of that he could _smell_ it – smell the girl’s perfume on Chris’ skin, and it was floral and sweet and made him feel sick.

And he was furious at Chris – furious at him for kissing that girl, for letting Lukas come to the party, for making him feel pathetic, for not – for not giving a _shit_ – a shit about the LSD or the video or, fuck it, for not giving a shit about Isak either.

“Fuck you,” Isak said quietly.

Chris smirked. “If you like.”

“No, Chris,” Isak said, voice rising. He pushed Chris away, hard. “Fuck you.”

Chris looked like someone had slapped him. Isak turned to leave.

“Wait, don’t –" Chris began, and he grabbed Isak’s hand. Isak just stood, frozen, chewing his lip, looking from his hand to Chris’ face. His breathing was heavy and he waited - gave Chris a few seconds to say something. Anything. 

When Chris said nothing, Isak laughed humourlessly and walked away.

 

***

He didn’t know where he was going, but he needed to escape. He couldn’t stand being in the party – couldn’t stand being in the same place as Lukas or Elias or Chris or any of them.

He stepped outside and kicked a beer bottle across the floor, but there was more beer left in it than he'd thought and it sort of sprayed across the floor and all over someone’s – Even’s – shoes.

Isak looked at him, frowning, feeling a little less angry and a lot more stupid. “Sorry,” he said, small and embarrassed.

Even was frowning, but there wasn’t really anything behind it. He blew out some smoke and shook his head, propping himself against the wall as he removed his shoes and socks. “Shoes are overrated.”

Isak blinked. “Yeah?”

“No,” Even said, looking down at his bare feet. “Maybe not.”

Isak smiled, leaning against the wall. The cold air was welcoming; harsh and cooling against his face.

“Do you smoke?” Even asked.

“No,” Isak said, but then – “Or, fuck it, yeah.” Because the idea of a cigarette sounded good right about now.

Even pulled a packet out from his front pocket and offered it to Isak, who took one and nodded in thanks. “Do you, uh, have a light?”

“Mm,” Even said, feeling around his pockets.

He handed Isak the lighter, and either the wind was too strong or Isak’s fingers were too cold or the lighter was faulty, but the stupid thing wouldn’t light. Even laughed, took the lighter from Isak’s hands and lit his cigarette for him.

“Thanks,” Isak said.

They were quiet for a while. Then, Isak said, “Are you having a good night?”

Even nodded. “Yeah, I’m having a good night,” he said. “Are you?”

“Yeah, it’s good,” Isak lied.

Even just stared at him, eyebrows raised, smiling. “Do you normally assault beer bottles when you’re having a good night?”

“ _Assault beer bottles?”_ he repeated.

“That’s what it looked like,” Even said, grinning.

Isak scoffed. He didn’t really feel like talking about Chris, or Lukas, or any of it. And maybe Even could tell, because they just stood in silence for a while as Even blew smoke rings and Isak allowed the cigarette to regulate his breathing.

It only got awkward when they finished their cigarettes and were just sort of stood there with nothing to do.

“Do you, uh, want to go back inside?” Isak asked. He didn’t want to, but it felt like the most obvious thing to suggest. And it was getting kind of cold, anyway, so there was that.

Even in the dark, Isak felt Even's eyes on him. 

“No,” Even said finally. “I don’t want to go back inside.”

Isak scoffed. "Okay," he said slowly. There was something bizarrely magnetic about Even. An energy Isak couldn’t put his finger on. “What do you want to do, then?”

Even held Isak’s gaze for a little while, then broke it off. He shrugged casually. “I want to go for a walk,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets and walking towards the woods. “Join me?”

Isak just sort of stared as Even walked away from him. “You don’t have any shoes on!” he called.

Even said nothing – he didn’t turn around, didn’t look back – just carried on walking.

And, well, Isak followed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I proof read this at midnight after an eleven hour day at uni so pls don't judge me if the grammar isn't perfect haha. Hopefully it's okay and hopefully this satisfies some of ur Evak cravings, i see you guys haha  
> Looks like the party will be a 3 parter :)  
> Thank you for all the support, as always. It means so so much <3  
> I'm going to go to sleep now, I'm so tired auhisfcnjkzas  
> p.s. the line "Even in the dark, Isak felt Even's eyes on him" makes my head hurt i'm sorry


	9. Fate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** I had a couple of messages on tumblr from people saying they couldn’t access chapter 8. I have no clue why this was but it seems to be fixed now. Let me know if you guys still experience any problems with it and I will try reuploading it :) ***

_It had been two weeks since they’d first had sex, and Isak hadn’t heard from Chris since. It was weird, because after they first hooked up – in the bathroom at Chris’ house – Chris had texted him almost every day after. Then they hooked up properly, and in that two weeks Chris had not texted Isak once. He thought he’d fucked up their friendship for good, and the idea had been eating him alive. Made him sick with worry, because it was the last thing he’d wanted._

_And then Chris had texted him, asking whether he wanted to come over, and it was the sweetest relief when he did._

_The best part was that things weren’t awkward – they just sat and played games together like they’d done a thousand times before. Except…things_ were _different. Their eyes locked more. They looked at each other’s lips more. They touched each other more. And there was something buzzing between the two of them – Isak could feel it, and he hoped – no,_ knew _– that Chris must be able to feel it too._

_At some point, they abandoned the game. Chris’ hand had found its way to Isak’s thigh, the other on Isak’s arm, tugging at him gently. His eyes were on Isak’s lips, and Isak’s were on his, mesmerised._

_“I don’t do relationships,” Chris told him, breaking the silence that had been hanging over them as they moved even closer, hands beginning to explore each other’s’ bodies more, but not kissing. Not yet._

_“Okay,” Isak had said, voice strained as Chris squeezed his inner thigh because,_ fuck _, Isak_ wanted _him._

_“And I don’t fuck the same person twice,” Chris said._

_Isak laughed at that. “No?”_

_“No,” Chris grinned, raising his eyebrows. His breath was warm against Isak's mouth, and their lips were touching when Chris said, "I guess I'll make an exception." And then they were kissing – tongue and hunger and_ want, _and Isak couldn't understand why they hadn't been kissing like this since the very first day they met._

_After they were finished, Chris stayed in bed watching Isak get dressed. He looked beautiful, and Isak couldn’t quite believe that they’d slept together – again – and that he hadn’t been reading too much into the looks and the glances and the touches that Chris had been teasing him with for the last few months._

_“Am I going to get you on your knees again, pretty boy?”_

_Isak raised his eyebrows and scoffed. “Pretty boy?”_

_Chris cocked his head, tongue flicking across his lips. “What? You_ are _pretty.”_

_“Fuck you,” Isak said, laughing, but he felt himself turning red anyway._

_Chris laughed with him, just staring._

_“But yeah, I’d like to do this again,” Isak added, voice a little quieter – more serious._

_“Okay,” Chris said, grinning. “But, uh, we do it without feelings, right?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“No feelings. Just friends who fuck.”_

_“Friends who fuck,” Isak repeated. “No feelings.”_

 

***

 

They walked for around half an hour, talking about movies and music and nothing in particular. The alcohol kept the conversation rolling as they walked further into the woods, wandering a little aimlessly, and eventually they sat together on a log they found in a clearing. It was a clear, starry night, but bitingly cold.

Even offered him another cigarette and Isak accepted, if only to warm him up a little.

“Aren’t your feet cold?” Isak asked.

Even shrugged. “No.”

Isak laughed. “Fucking hell, you’re so weird.”

“ _I’m_ weird?” Even grinned.

“Yeah.”

Even raised his eyebrows and laughed. “Fuck you.”

They were quiet again, and it was nice. Isak felt content like this. It could be the alcohol, or the woods, or the cold air or the cigarette or Even or whatever. Maybe it was a combination of all of those things. But things felt okay.

“So, are you going to tell me more about your bottle assaulting habit?” Even asked.

Isak scoffed. Then he fell silent. He didn’t really want to talk about Chris.

“Is it about that video?” Even asked.

Isak’s smile fell. “You’ve seen it?”

Even just nodded.

“I guess it’s kind of to do with that,” he said.

“I think it was really shit, what they did to you,” Even said.

Isak looked at him, confused, and wondered how many people knew the real story.

Even seemed to read his mind, because he said, “William told me.”

“Oh. Yeah, I - that’s why I left the party. I just…them being there, it just fucks with my head. And then Chris hooked up with this girl and I just snapped," Isak said, surprised at how honest he was being. "I just thought, you know, the night they – Lukas – did…I don’t fucking know. I just thought Chris would have made them leave. But I had to _ask_ him to, so. And then they came back to the party and I…just…” He shook his head and laughed bitterly. “Whatever. It’s not like I can control any of it.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “You don’t think you’re in control of what happens to you?”

Isak shrugged. “We can’t help what situation we’re given.”

Even just stared at him. “What do you mean?”

“Like, we’re born into our circumstances, right? Into a certain universe in a certain point in time. And I’m not saying we don’t have a choice in what we do, but ultimately, we’re still in the same universe, the same time, with people and circumstances that we can’t change. Some things are just going to happen, and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Even stared at him for a while. “What, like fate?”

Isak smiled, blowing out some smoke. “I guess so.”

“But…you _can_ change it.” Isak didn’t say anything, and Even continued. “Like, what is physically keeping you going to school every day, for example? You could just wake up and quit if you wanted to, and you could move to Iceland and become a fucking goat farmer if you wanted to. _You_ are in control of your life. You just don’t take control because you can’t see…how...in control you really are.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t have a choice in getting my drink spiked.”

“But you get to control what happens _next_. You could go over to that house right now and kick Lukas in the balls. Or you could tell Chris you’re madly in love with him. However you feel, you’ve just got to act on it, you know? Don't ignore your feelings. Act on them and…change destiny, or whatever, you know?”

Isak scoffed. “We’ve had too much to drink.”

“So? Drunk words are sober thoughts." He nudged Isak a little. "You need to take control, Isak! Stop blaming fate and take responsibility for your life. It’s like that quote. _The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves._ ”

Isak’s eyes widened as he frowned and shook his head. “What?”

“Shakespeare.”

Isak pinched the bridge of his nose. “Did you just quote fucking _Shakespeare_ to me?”

Even raised his eyebrows. “Julius Caesar?”

“What?”

“The play. You haven’t heard of it?”

“No,” Isak said, laughing. “I actually think Shakespeare’s a little overrated, so.”

Even raised his eyebrows, mouth open, then whistled. “And to think I was starting to like you.”

The atmosphere shifted a little, and Isak wondered what Even meant. He was staring at the floor, acutely aware that Even’s eyes were on him. He could feel Even shift a little beside him – could feel him moving closer, and Isak looked up at Even’s face, into Even’s eyes, wondering what Even was thinking – wondering what he _himself_ was thinking.

Blue and red lights began dancing on Even's face. Isak blinked and turned around. A police car drove down the road towards the cabin.

“What time is it?” Even asked.

Isak pulled out his phone.

 

 _Chris_  
_Missed call (2)_

01:37

 **Chris** : Where are you

?

01:48

 **Chris** : Have you left?

Pretty boy

Answer em

me

01:56

 **Chris** : Awhy are you angry at me?

02:11

 **Chris** : can you just text so I know Lukas hasn’t hurt yuo.

02:15

 **Chris** : Isak

02:21

 **Chris** : ????

02:27

 **Chris** : Don’t ignore me

 

Isak felt a knot of guilt twist in his stomach, and he hated it - hated himself for feeling guilty, hated Chris for making him feel guilty. He tapped the keyboard to reply, but thought better of it and put his phone in his pocket.

“3AM. We should head back,” Isak said, and Even nodded.

 

***

 

As they approached the cabin, it was clear something had just happened: people were crowded outside, looking confused, talking quickly. The lights from the police car illuminated the area surrounding them, and Isak noticed that one of the windows had been smashed.

“What the fuck?”

Isak and Even walked, quicker now, towards the throng of people. A couple of policemen were talking to Tomas and Elias, and an ambulance was pulled up on the drive as well.

He tapped the shoulder of the girl nearest to him. “Hey, do you know what happened?”

“There was a fight,” the girl said. “Chris and someone else.”

“Chris got into a fight?” he asked, swallowing hard. He couldn’t help it: he felt worry wash over him.

The girl just nodded. “Or, that’s what they’re saying. I don’t know. I didn’t see anything.”

Isak murmured thanks and moved forward, pushing through everyone, Even following him close behind. The police began to try and disperse the crowd, telling people to go home.

Chris was sat on the pavement with a bloody nose, talking to William as one of the paramedics shone a light into his eye. It was only then, as Isak felt himself breathe out, that he realised he’d been holding his breath for so long.

Chris’ eyes panned around and found Isak’s, and Isak just sort of stood there. William patted Chris’ shoulder, saying something to him, and Chris looked at William and nodded. Then, Chris walked into the back of the ambulance with the paramedic.

“You could probably go with him, if you wanted,” Even said, but the paramedic had already closed the doors.

“William,” Isak called, speeding over to him. “What the fuck just happened? Is Chris okay?”

William faced Isak, hands in his pockets. “Yeah, he’s alright. They’re just taking him to hospital as a precaution, seeing as he blacked out for a second when Lukas punched him.”

“Lukas?” Isak asked. He wasn’t exactly surprised that Lukas had been involved in a fight, but it _did_ surprise him that it was with Chris. “I, um, hope it wasn’t my fault.”

There was a part of him that kind of hoped it _was_ his fault.

“I don’t know. I didn’t see what happened. Last I saw, they were just talking. Then I turned around and Chris was on the floor. Lukas stormed off and punched a hole through one of the windows.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “Fucking Lukas.”

“But you talked to Chris. Didn’t he say why they were fighting?” Even asked. Isak had almost completely forgotten he was there.

William shrugged. “He was too busy telling me not to let the police call his dad.”

 _“I_ saw it,” said a girl near them; a pretty brown-haired one that Isak vaguely recognised. They all turned to her expectantly. “I was _right_ beside them when it happened.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.” She was shivering a little and her lipstick was somewhat smudged. “They came down from upstairs, all annoyed at each other. Chris was trailing after Lukas, giving him all these excuses, and Lukas got really angry. And – anyway, long story short, it turns out that Chris hooked up with Lukas’ girlfriend.”

“That’s why they were fighting?” Isak asked, feeling his stomach sink.

“Emma and Chris?” William repeated, frowning.

The girl nodded. “Emma and Lukas had an argument, and then Emma went upstairs, all upset, and Chris was there, and…well. Yes. Then they hooked up. I wasn’t there for that bit, obviously.”

“When did that happen?” Isak asked.

“Well, about half an hour ago, I suppose. Lukas must have walked in on them, or seen them walk out together. Either way, I don’t think it took Lukas very long to put two and two together. He’s quite smart. I don't blame him for being angry, poor boy. Emma wasn't really good enough for him anyway, if you ask me. But you'd think she'd have more self-respect than to hook up with _Chris,_ of all people.”

Isak laughed bitterly. It was like getting punched, again and again and again, to the point where he barely registered the pain anymore.

He could see it - see Chris putting an arm around Emma, telling her to forget all about Lukas - could imagine how tempting Chris would look, how he could be a distraction - a comfort, even. He could see that Emma was probably the one to lean in, because Chris just _had_ that effect on people. He could see Chris laying her down on the bed, just like he'd done with Isak only hours ago, and he could see Chris kissing down her body and making her feel special and loved and worthy of something. And he'd known Isak had been upset, hadn't he? Had taken his hand a couple hours earlier as Isak found him with that other girl - had to have known, somewhere, even if Isak never said: had to understand how Isak felt about him. 

He walked away – away from Even, William, from the crowd – and booked a taxi. It would cost a fucking fortune, but he couldn’t stand to be in that cabin any longer.

Then, before he could decide against it, he blocked Chris’ number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first scene is a flashback, in case it isn't clear (I think it is pretty clear but just in case anyone's confused)  
> I had a much more coherent version of the conversation between Isak and Even about fate etc., but I rewrote it because I realised they were both supposed to be drunk and they sounded too sober in the original version. I'm not really sure how it turned out, but eh.  
> Thank you for the support and comments, as always :) <3333


	10. Noora

Monday, 10:44

 **Jonas** : All good?

13:32  
 **Isak** : just a little ill

 **Jonas** : Ok. Get well man

I’ll take notes for you

 **Isak** : thanks

 

***

 

Isak woke up to a knock on the door. He groaned, pressing his head into the pillow. He’d only just managed to fall asleep.

“Isak?” Noora asked. When he didn’t answer, she pushed his door open a little. “Isak, do you want a lift to school?”

“I’m still sick,” he mumbled.

Noora was quiet for a while. “Do you want me to pick up anything from the pharmacy?”

“It’s just a stomach bug,” he lied easily.

“Stomach bugs don’t usually last three days. Do you want me to take you to the doctor? I have a free period after lunch.”

Isak gritted his teeth and took a deep breath. “No, it’s fine,” he said.

“You’ll need a doctor’s note if you miss much more school, Isak,” Noora continued.  “Why don’t we –“

“Can you just back off, Noora, Jesus!” he snapped.

Noora was quiet for a while. “Yeah, okay,” she said, voice quieter. “Feel better.”

He felt tears spill over his cheeks, and he wasn’t even sure why he was crying. He pulled his duvet over his head and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come.

 

***

 

He had actually fully intended to go to school that week. When he woke up on Sunday morning with a sore head and heavy limbs, teary and upset over – over _everything_ , he knew the best thing to do would be to go to school the next day and just get on with things. But he’d been too hungover to do his physics homework, so he’d skipped Monday, and then Vilde had texted him to ask if the rumours about him getting caught having a mental breakdown on camera were true. So, he skipped Tuesday as well. It was just natural to miss Wednesday after that, which had probably just made things worse. God knows what people were saying about him now.

The thing was, he couldn’t fucking sleep. His mind was running: a constant torrent of things pressing on his mind, making him feel sick.

He worried about going to school and having to deal with the fallout of that video. It was one thing to show his face at a party of people who didn’t really know him, but at school, everyone would be talking about it and everyone would know who he was.

It would be so much easier if he was able to just _laugh_ about it. He knew most people at school wouldn’t know he hadn’t taken the LSD intentionally, and that he should be able to just play it off as a joke. Make fun of himself; about how high he was, how crazy he looked. He could even pretend the others all joked about it the day after with him. No one needed to know what really happened. But even thinking about that night made his blood run cold and his eyes get wet. He couldn’t imagine staying strong enough to play it off as some dumb joke. Not just yet.

He hated that he hadn’t been able to just enjoy the high like anyone else. And now the video was online forever as a constant reminder.

He hated Chris. He _hated_ him. He hated him for hooking up with Emma, for hooking up with that other chick, when he _knew_ Isak was upset. He hated him for not defending Isak.  He hated him for not banning Lukas and the others from the party. And he couldn’t even tell himself that the reason Chris did all that was because he considered Lukas such a good friend – because how could that be true, if Chris just fucked his girlfriend anyway?

Most of all, though, he hated Chris for making Isak believe that there could have ever been something more between the two of them.

But then, in the brief moments where those thoughts were somewhat kept at bay, he worried about Chris. That was the worst part. He worried that Chris had gone to hospital after getting punched and that they’d found something wrong with his brain and that he was in a coma or…Isak knew he was being ridiculous, but he couldn’t help it. He just kept worrying and worrying and worrying, until he exhausted himself and fell asleep.

When he did sleep, he dreamt of feeling those bugs all over his body and of people laughing at him. He would wake up just as scared as he’d been the night it had all happened.

 

***

Thursday, 02:23AM

 **Isak** : hey

 **Even** : Hi

 **Isak** : is chris ok?

 **Even** : I haven’t seen him since Saturday, sorry.

 **Isak** : he hasn’t been home?

 **Even** : No

 **Isak** : thanks

 **Even** : How are you?

***

 

On Thursday evening, there was a knock at his door again.

He closed his eyes and ignored it. He could hear chatting coming from outside, voices rising argumentatively, and then the door burst open and –

“Good evening, Isak!” said Eskild, flopping down onto Isak’s bed. Linn jumped on too, and then Noora sat down as well. “How do you feel about having a little house dinner tonight?”

Isak sat up, frowning. “You’re hurting my leg.”

“Oh – sorry.” Eskild moved a little. “Noora has offered to cook.”

“ _Offered_ isn’t the word I would use.” She shot Eskild an irritated look, but there wasn’t any venom behind it.

“You’re the only one out of the four of us who can cook,” Eskild said fondly. “And you’re _such_ a good cook, Noora…But we’ll all help. Even Linn’s offered.”

“I’m going to peel the vegetables,” Linn said.

Isak wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know. I’m still not feeling well, so I think—“

“Here, let me check your temperature,” Eskild said, and before Isak knew what was happening, Eskild’s palm was against his forehead.

He wriggled away. “Get _off_.”

“He’s quite warm, actually,” Eskild said.

“He’s warm because he’s been in bed for four days!” Noora said, standing up. She pulled the curtains apart and pushed a window open. “And as far as I can tell, you’ve only had two frozen pizzas in the space of 72 hours. So if you really _are_ feeling sick, that’s probably why.”

She was staring at him with her hands on her hips, looking quite formidable. Isak just sort of looked at her.

Noora sighed. “I’ve already bought the ingredients. Everyone is going to shower and put on some nice clothes” – she looked pointedly at Linn and Isak – “and we are going to have a delicious meal. Together.”

Isak wasn’t about to argue.

 

***

 

Thursday, 19:12

 **Magnus** : isakyakiiiiiiiiiiiiii boy

 **Isak** : whats up

 **Magnus** : are you still sick?

 **Isak** : coming in tomorrow

 **Magnus:** ayyyyy

 **Mahdi** : you’re feeling better?

 **Isak** : ya

 **Jonas** : Good :)

 **Mahdi** : glad to hear it bro

 **Magnus** : it’s been a fucking week man

we’ve got so much to tell you

 **Jonas** : Mainly that the chick Magnus hooked up with was Vilde’s cousin

 **Isak** : what?

serious?

 **Magnus** : …yes…

 **Isak** : hahaha

 **Jonas** : Fucking hilarious

 **Magnus** : shut up!!!

 **Jonas** : No wonder she was so keen

 **Mahdi** : must run in the genes

 **Isak** : lol

 **Jonas** : How’s Chris doing?

 

***

 

“Just keep stirring it or the onions will burn,” Noora told Isak gently.

They were all in the kitchen: Linn and Eskild were sat at the table, peeling a mountain of assorted vegetables into bowls – Isak had never _seen_ so many vegetables in his life – and Isak was hovering over the stove, helping Noora with the sauce. The radio was playing, and Eskild would erupt into dramatic renditions of his favourite songs whenever one came on.

Isak could think of a thousand things he would rather be doing right now, but this was a decent distraction. He felt better for showering, at least, and the food smelt good, even if he was doing a terrible job at helping out.

“Feeling better?” Noora asked.

Isak nodded.

He could feel Noora’s eyes on him. Then, she said, “Um, I heard what happened at the cabin.” When Isak said nothing, she said, “Eva told me what they did.”

Isak swallowed thickly. “Is everyone at school talking about it?”

“A bit,” she said honestly. “Not as much as you might think. No one really knows what actually happened, they’ve just seen the video, so.”

Isak felt himself going red.

“And most people think it’s just really funny, that’s all.”

Isak nodded and raised his eyebrows. “Really funny,” he repeated.

Noora turned to Eskild, then looked back at Isak. “Isak, come here.”

She moved Isak towards her laptop, which was open on the kitchen counter displaying the recipe they were currently try to recreate. She opened up Facebook, logged out of her account, and gestured for Isak to type in his details. Isak obliged, and Noora took over.

“You know, Facebook has this feature that lets you report – hold on, have you blocked Lukas? – oh, okay, just let me…okay. They have this feature where you can report inappropriate content.” She pulled up Lukas’ profile and scrolled to the video. “So you just need to report this video, fill out all the reasons why you want it taken down, and the Facebook team will look into it for you.”

Isak scoffed and said, “You don’t think they actually pay attention to that stuff, do you?”

“I made them take down a video of me at a strip bar last year, remember?” Eskild said.

Isak nodded vaguely.

“Plus, I’ve already reported it, and so has Eskild – Linn says she’s _going_ to, when she’s less busy – and Sana and Eva have too,” said Noora. “Vilde still needs persuading – she’s convinced someone will find out and it’ll affect her chances of being popular if she ever gets into the University of Oslo – but she’ll come around eventually.” She sighed. “With that many people complaining about it, and with you reporting it – seeing as you’re _featured_ in the video – they have to take notice and remove it. It’s a form of bullying, after all.”

The word _bullying_ felt a little abrasive – Isak wasn’t sure he’d call it that – but he couldn’t be bothered to argue at this point. He felt a little embarrassed that Noora had put so much thought into this, but it was kind of sweet, too.

“Okay. I mean, whatever,” he said finally.

Noora smiled and rubbed his back. As Isak filled out the form, he said, “Um, Noora, has William spoken to you about Chris?”

Noora shook her head. “Not really. Why?”

“He got into a fight on Saturday. I was just wondering if he was okay. I think he was taken to hospital.”

Noora readjusted her hair and sighed. “Well, me and William aren’t really talking right now.”

“How come?” he asked, finishing the form and submitting it. It felt kind of good to do it, even if the video never got removed.

Noora sighed. “Because _Eva_ was the one who told me what happened to you at the cabin. Not William – William didn’t say _anything_. And I was furious that he saw the whole thing and didn’t think to ring the police, or an ambulance, or at _least_ ring me or Eskild so we could come and get you. So, we aren’t talking.”

Isak smiled and felt a sudden rush of gratitude towards Noora wash over him. “Oh.”

Noora smiled and nodded at him. “When I forgive him, I’ll get an update for you. Or you could just text Chris yourself.”

Isak wrinkled his nose. “Chris and I aren’t really talking.”

“ _Finally_ ,” Eskild sighed.

Noora shot Eskild a cutting look, then turned back to Isak. “What happened?”

“I’m just tired of him,” Isak said simply. He couldn’t be bothered to go into detail.

“Well, I’ll drink to that,” said Eskild, raising a wine glass.

Isak joined in, but couldn’t help – despite everything – feeling a little protective over Chris, and irritated with Eskild, and irritated with _himself_ for feeling both of those things.

 

***

 

The next day, Noora gave Isak a lift to school. Dinner had been nice – they didn’t talk much more about Chris or anything, and Isak felt better for eating a proper meal and talking, even if it was about Eskild’s disastrous hook up that happened over the weekend.

During the ride to school, Isak made Noora swap her playlist with his, and he joked about her taste in music – something she vehemently defended – and it wasn’t until he got into class that the nerves started to set in properly.

His first class was kind of awkward – he got a lot of stares, a lot of whispers, and he just tried to focus on the work and drown them all out – but once he’d settled into English with Mahdi and Jonas, things got a little better.

At lunch, he was walking with the boys when they asked how Chris was doing.

“I don’t know,” Isak told them. “We’re not talking right now.”

“Why not?” Jonas asked. “Because he hooked up with that girl? I thought you two were chill about that sort of thing.”

“Yeah but…it wasn’t just that. It’s a lot of things. I don’t know.” He shook his head.

“Was that why he got into a fight with Lukas? Because Chris was pissed that you broke things off?” Magnus asked.

“No. We broke things off after that.” Isak paused. “Or, I don’t know, I guess we’re still – I haven’t spoken to him since Saturday.”

“Why _did_ he get into a fight with Lukas?” Jonas asked.

“He slept with Lukas’ girlfriend,” Isak said numbly.

“What?” said Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi all at once.

Isak nodded.

“Where’d you hear that from?” Jonas asked.

“Some girl,” said Isak. “She heard them talking about it before Lukas punched Chris. She said – oh.” Isak suddenly realised something. “It was the girl you hooked up with, Magnus. She was the one who saw it all.” He knew he’d recognised her from somewhere.

Magnus frowned. “Are you sure?”

Isak nodded.

“She didn’t see anything,” Magnus said.

“Yeah, she saw the whole thing,” Isak said slowly.

Magnus shook his head. “No she didn’t.”

Isak stopped in his tracks. “What? Are you sure?”

Magnus laughed. “Yeah. I mean, we were hooking up outside when Lukas came out and punched the window. But we didn’t see the fight. Are you sure it was her?”

“I – yeah, I think so.” Isak frowned. “But she said she saw it…that Chris hooked up with Emma and –“

“Have you spoken to Chris about it?” Magnus asked.

“No,” Isak said.

“So you’re just taking a random girl’s word for it?”

Isak stared at the floor, trying to remember the conversation he’d had with her. It was kind of hazy in his memory. Maybe she’d simply told him what she’d _heard_ , rather than what she _saw_.

He supposed it didn’t really matter.

“Whatever,” he said. “It doesn’t really matter. He still doesn’t give a shit about me.”

“Why don’t you just talk to Chris?” Magnus asked.

“Hm?”

“You’ve been together for a year, right?”

Isak smirked bitterly. “We’ve never been _together_.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “But you’ve been hooking up for a year. And _he’s_ kept that going.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Isak said.

“That’s what you think?” Magnus asked. “Listen, the dude has a magical dick, I swear. _Everyone_ wants to hook up with him. Even _I’d_ probably give him a go if he asked.”

Isak frowned, but smiled a little despite himself. “What’s your point?”

“My _point_ ,” Magnus said, “is that he could have anyone he wants. What you two have – he could have with anyone. But he chose you. That has to mean something. You don’t keep someone around for a year if you don’t care about them at all.” He shrugged. “Unless you’re a sociopath or something. Just…talk to him. You won’t know for sure unless you talk to him.”

Isak turned to Jonas and Mahdi, who were silent and looked slightly surprised.

“He’s got a point,” Jonas said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this universe, Isak's house has four bedrooms, so he can live there with Eskild, Noora AND Linn. Because I love them all too much :')  
> Thank you for all the comments on the last chapter!! The issue with ch8 seems to have been fixed, so yay.  
> Not much Chrisak or Evak in this one, but some necessary healing time for Isak. <3  
> Let me know if you guys want me to stagger the updates over a longer period of time, or whether you're content with them being somewhat daily/every other day. :)


	11. I don’t want you to hate me

Friday

22:22

 **Isak** : i just finished romeo & juliet

02:12

 **Even** : Thoughts?

 **Isak** : took your time

 **Even** : Haha, sorry. Busy day. Went shoe shopping

;)

 **Isak** : haha

i thought it was ok

 **Even** : Just okay?!

 **Isak** : idk it was kind of depressing

 **Even** : Well, it’s a tragedy after all

 **Isak** : i mean they were only like 14 as well tho

how in love can you be at that age

 **Even** : I met my ex when we were fourteen. We were together for six years.

 **Isak** : awkward

 **Even** : Haha it’s okay

I mean it was probably a bad film to go for given your hatred of Shakespeare.

 **Isak** : i don’t HATE Shakespeare

i just think he’s overrated

but idk the soundtrack was kind of cool

 **Even** : Yeah?

 **Isak** : yeah

 **Even** : I’m happy you watched it.

 **Isak** : :)

 **Even** : Watch Moulin Rouge next

 **Isak** : ok

 **Even** : It’s another tragedy but you might prefer it

I’ll watch it with you

 **Isak** : now?

 **Even** : Sure.

 **Isak** : what like come over and watch it with me?

 **Even** : Haha, no, I have another copy here

 **Isak** : jesus

nerd

 **Even** : Haha

Actually, you should probably go to sleep

I didn’t realise how late it was

 **Isak** : what about the film

 **Even** : Another time

 **Isak** : ok

when?

***

 

He’d unblocked Chris’ number on Friday evening. By Sunday afternoon, he still hadn’t heard anything. He refused to be the one to text first, and he tried to keep busy, but it kind of hurt to know that Chris wasn’t interested in talking to him.

“Did that dish do something to offend you?” Eskild asked.

Isak looked up from the sink. “Hm?”

“You’ve been scrubbing that dish for the last fifteen minutes. I think it’s clean,” Eskild said.

“Oh.” Isak felt a little embarrassed.

“Everything okay?”

The front door opened and Noora and William walked inside, shopping bags in hand. They were bickering about something, but they stopped when William grabbed Noora’s face and kissed her. She laughed and smacked him away playfully.

“Hello little lovebirds,” said Eskild fondly.

“Hi Eskild,” Noora replied, grinning. William nodded.

Eskild wandered over to them. “Have you had a lovely day? Did you buy lots of lovely things? Can I see?”

“They’re just groceries,” Noora said, watching Eskild peer curiously into the bag. She slapped his hand away when he tried to steal a bar of chocolate.

William checked his watch. “I need to go,” he said. “Are you okay to put these away on your own?”

Noora raised her eyebrows, acting offended. “You’re not going to stay and help me?! Not going to stay and help your girlfriend put her groceries away?!” She wrinkled her nose and cocked her head. “I think I’ll manage.”

“Um, William?” Isak chimed.

“Mm?”

Isak placed his hands in his pockets, forgetting that they were soaking wet from the washing up. “Have you – um, have you heard from Chris?”

William stared at Isak. “Yes.”

“Is he” – Isak cleared his throat – “Is he okay?”

William shrugged. “He’s okay.”

“It’s just – he hasn’t spoken to me, so.”

“You’ve blocked his number.”

“Yeah, but I’ve unblocked it now.”

William sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fucking hell,” he muttered exasperatedly, more to himself than to anyone else. “Okay. Does Chris know you’ve unblocked it?”

“Um, I don’t think so.” Isak shook his head. “But like, I didn’t block him on Facebook or anything, and he hasn’t tried to contact me there, either. So.”

“You blocked his number,” William said flatly. “He thinks you want space.”

“I-“

“Just text him, Isak,” William said irritably. “I can’t deal with listening to you two talk about this anymore.”

 

***

 

Sunday, 19:45

 **Isak** : hey

can we talk?

 **Chris** : Are you home?

 **Isak** : yea

 **Chris** : Coming now

 

***

 

Chris’ hair was messy and unstyled, peeking through the hood of his coat. A dark purple bruise covered his left eye and he had a deep cut across the bridge of his nose, and he was stood in the doorway looking at Isak a little apprehensively.

“You unblocked my number, then,” he said finally.

Isak ignored him. “I want to know what happened at the cabin.”

“Are you going to let me in?” Chris asked.

Isak stared at him for a little while. Then, he gestured Chris inside. They made their way to Isak’s bedroom, and there was this awkward moment where they both just sort of stood there, unsure of one another, and Isak stared pointedly at the floor. Eventually, Chris sat down on the bed, and Isak joined him.

Chris was quiet for a long time, frowning. Then, he said, “I’ve been a dick.”

Isak scoffed. “Yeah.”

“I should’ve killed Lukas for what he did to you,” he continued seriously. “I don’t know why I act like such a pussy around him.”

“Did you hook up with Emma?” Isak blurted out. Of all the things to ask, apparently that was the first thing he wanted to know. The question left his lips before he’d really thought about it.

Chris raised his eyebrows. “Don’t tell me you believed that.”

Isak tugged his sleeves over his fingers, feeling stupid. “I don’t know.”

“You think I’d still be walking around if I hooked up with Lukas’ girlfriend? He’d fucking kill me. No.” Chris began playing with the string on his hoodie, staring at his chest. He paused. “We were fighting about you.”

Isak frowned, but he couldn’t help it: a small part of him lit up, and he had to suppress a smile. He coughed. “What?”

“Yeah,” Chris said. “Emma told me he was going out looking for you, so I tried to persuade him not to. I don't remember much. We were both completely wasted.” He signalled to his eye. “I mean, luckily he only got _one_ good punch in.”

Isak laughed a little. “Looks like it was one more punch than you.”

Chris smacked Isak playfully on the stomach, and then his hand sort of lingered there. His knuckles brushed against the fabric of Isak’s hoodie, making little patterns across Isak’s covered skin. Isak froze and watched him, transfixed.

“I didn’t hook up with that other girl, either,” Chris said.

Isak stared at him. He’d almost forgotten there had been another girl.

“I know what it looked like,” Chris continued. “But I went up to my room to look for you, and then you weren’t there, and this girl just walked in and she was just all over me. And…maybe we kissed for a few minutes. I don’t know. I was really fucking drunk. But we didn’t go any further, you can ask her.”

“Why didn’t you hook up with her?”

“Because you were upset,” Chris said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He smirked. “And because I planned on hooking up with _you_ that night, anyway.”

Isak rolled his eyes. Chris still had a hand on Isak’s stomach, and Isak shuffled a little. Tried to shake himself. He felt something inside him snap, and he sat up properly.

“What _are_ we, Chris?” he asked. It came out a little louder than he’d meant it to.

Chris was quiet for a while. “We’re just friends, Isak.”

Isak shook his head. “No, we’re not.”

To his surprise, Chris shook his head in agreement. “No.” He was quiet again, biting his lip, then he shrugged. “I don’t fucking know what we are.”

“I mean…” Isak swallowed, trying to prevent this random burst of courage from leaving him. “I mean is there something more or – or are we just…is this all this is?”

Chris sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “You know I hate talking about this shit.”

“Try,” Isak told him, and there was a brief moment where Isak thought he saw something shift in Chris – the way his lips twitched slightly, the way he blinked a little quickly all of a sudden - but in a second, it was gone.

“Look, I can’t do relationships,” Chris said quickly; defensively.

Isak licked his lips and closed his eyes, trying to suppress his frustration. “Okay,” he breathed, feeling deflated. “Why, though?”

It was only then that he realised he’d never actually asked Chris that question before.

Chris stared at the ceiling, then at his hands, then finally at Isak. He shrugged. “They’re just too messy,” he said simply.

Isak was quiet for a long time, thinking. He knew his decision, but it didn’t make saying it any easier.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore, then.”

Chris frowned, pressing his lips together. Isak didn’t know what to expect, but it surprised him when Chris said nothing at all. Instead, he just nodded a little knowingly.

Isak swallowed hard, determined not to cry. “I need to clear my head.” He hated how shaky his voice was. “I think – the longer this drags on – I just…I don’t want to end up hating you.”

“I don’t want you to hate me either,” Chris said. When Isak didn’t say anything, Chris continued. “So that’s what you want to do? You want to call this off?”

“No,” Isak said firmly. “It isn’t what I want to do. But I think it’s what I need to do.” He looked at him. “Maybe _you_ can just…sleep around or have meaningless sex with someone for a year or whatever. But I can’t.” He wasn’t angry at Chris, really. He was just exhausted with him.

Chris pulled his knees closer to his chest. He nodded, taking a deep breath, then scoffed. “Fucking hell, this has been _such_ a shit week.”

Isak smiled and raised his eyebrows. “Yeah.”

They were quiet for a long time – minutes, really – both just staring in front of them, stealing awkward glances at one another, not really sure what to do or say. And Isak knew how easy it would be to give into what Chris wanted, but he kept thinking about how unfair it would be – not just on himself, but on Chris, too. And if Chris wasn’t interested in a relationship, then Isak wasn’t going to force him into one.

The idea that Isak couldn’t make him interested in one stung, though.

Suddenly, Chris smacked his arm. “You’re still going to hang out with me though, right, pretty boy?”

Isak sniffed and nodded. “Probably best not to call me that anymore, though.”

Chris’ eyes found Isak’s. Isak smiled at him, a little sadly, feeling an ache in his chest. He reached out and stroked the bruise on Chris’ cheek. They fell back into silence, but it felt much more charged this time.

Chris didn’t say anything. Somehow, without really realising it, they’d moved closer to one another. His eyes flitted from Isak’s lips to Isak’s eyes, mouth hanging open a little. Isak moved his hand to rest at the back of Chris’ neck and pulled him in, kissing him, and they both knew what was going to happen next.

They stayed face to face this time. Part of Isak didn’t want to believe it, but he knew they wouldn’t do this again. It was etched into his every move: into the way he clung onto Chris a little tighter, looked at him a little longer, kissed him a little harder. And maybe Isak was just imagining it, but he felt like Chris was feeling it, too, because he seemed to be drinking Isak in more, touching him more, kissing him more. He stayed impossibly close to Isak the entire time, kissing him or burying his head in the crook of Isak’s neck, their hands locked together. The love bite Isak had given him was still there, very faintly, and so were the bruises on his ribs.

After they were finished, Chris stayed on top of Isak for a while. They kissed for so long that Isak wondered whether they were going to go again, but they didn’t. They just kissed and kissed, and it was warm and familiar and uncertain all at the same time.

“I should go,” Chris said eventually, in between kisses.

Isak didn’t want him to.

“Okay,” he told him, and Chris left.

 

***

 

Monday, 04:32AM

 

 **Chris** : You were wrong by the way

When you said I can just sleep around and not have it mean anything

It was never meaningless with you, pretty boy

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii it's me...speaking to you from beyond the grave...I'm so ill at the moment and this chapter finished me off lmao  
> This chapter is a little shorter than the most recent ones, but I didn't want to drag it out by including unnecessary scenes.<3 Also William is OOC af in this fic I feel, but hopefully I still manage to capture little glints of his personality.  
> This is one of those moments where I really wish I published chapters in both Isak AND Chris' POV. I always draft Chris' pov, and in this case I feel his was a lot more interesting to write (and therefore read). But, we're sticking with Isak in this fic :').  
> The comments on the last chapter were insane, thank you SO MUCH <3


	12. Everything's fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Mental health issues

Isak’s head was a fucking mess.

He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t eat. He couldn’t concentrate.

One minute, he’d be close to running over to Chris’ house and kissing him and telling him they could go back to how things were – that knowing Chris felt at least _something_ was enough. The next minute, he’d hate Chris for sending that text after they had already called everything off. He wondered if Chris knew how much it would fuck with him.

“I don’t get it,” Magnus said. “So you’re back together?”

“No,” Isak said.

Magnus frowned. “But he said what you wanted to hear.”

Mahdi tilted his head. “Yeah, but they want different things.”

Isak nodded. It was lunch time, and the café was buzzing with people. The four of them were sat around a table, and Isak was picking half-heartedly at his sandwich. His mind had been in free fall since he saw Chris’ message, and he wasn’t sure whether he was happy, sad, relieved, angry or tired. In the end, he supposed he was all five.

“So you _are_ broken up,” Magnus said.

“We were never together,” Isak told him. “But we’re just…friends now, I guess.”

“But I mean…” Jonas leaned forward. “I don’t want to bum you out, man, but like...can you ever _just_ be friends now?”

Isak’s stomach churned, because that had been his biggest fear after coming out of this: that he and Chris would just…end. That they wouldn’t see each other anymore at all, not even as friends. 

Their relationship had always been flirty, after all. Even before they began hooking up, they always touched each other more and looked at each other more than purely platonic friends did. That was the awkward thing. They were entering completely unknown territory now.

“I don’t know,” Isak said quietly.

“It depends on the person. You know, if you’re both chill with your decision, it should be fine. But if you’re on different pages then things might get awkward,” Mahdi said. “It’s like, this chick I was with a while ago. We broke up and tried to stay friends, but it just got awkward because she’d still get pissy whenever I hooked up with anyone else.”

Isak chewed his lip nervously.

“But, hey, you had good break-up sex, right?” Magnus asked.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“What?” Magnus asked. “Everyone knows that you have the best sex just after you break up.”

“Yeah, that’s why this one and Eva keep breaking up,” Mahdi said.

He nudged Jonas, who rolled his eyes and murmured, “Fuck you, man.”

Isak smirked. “It was pretty good.”

Mahdi grinned. “That’s what we like to hear. I think we should all go out soon, then. All the brothers together. We’re all single now.”

“I’m not,” said Jonas, frowning.

“No, but you might be by next Friday,” said Mahdi.

Magnus and Isak laughed, and Jonas slapped him.

 

***

 

Wednesday, 14:22

 

 **Chris** : Do you have my hoodie?

 **Isak** : which one?

 **Chris** : The black one

 **Isak** : all your hoodies are black chris

but yeah probably

do you want it back?

 **Chris** : No it’s fine

You keep it

 

***

 

The thing was, Isak missed Chris. There wasn’t really any way around it. He missed hanging out with him, he missed kissing him, he missed having sex with him. He missed listening to his shitty offensive jokes and playing video games with him. He didn’t miss the stress and the heartache and the constant confusion, but he’d take any of that over the irritating miserableness that had replaced it. Cutting Chris off was supposed to liberate him – make him feel better. Make his head clearer. Not make him feel worse.

“It’ll get easier,” Eskild said one evening.

They were piled on the sofas, all four of them, cocooned in blankets. It was only supposed to be a film and popcorn evening, but because Eskild had had a say in it, it now involved wine as well. Isak could handle beer and spirits, but wine always went to his head a little more quickly than other drinks. Maybe that’s why he decided to blurt out his thoughts to them all.

“It would’ve been easier if he’d just told me it meant nothing to him,” Isak said.

“Would that not have been incredibly painful?” Eskild asked.

“Yeah, but it would be easier if I just hated him.”

“You’ll hate him eventually,” Linn said.

Isak doubted that. They fell back into silence, watching this weird over-the-top romantic drama that Eskild said they’d all love.

Then, Linn said, “Maybe Chris has deep psychological issues which prevent him from being able to commit to a normal relationship.”

Noora rolled her eyes. “Chris doesn’t have _deep psychological issues_ , Linn.”

“You don’t know that,” Linn said. “A lot of people don’t know _I_ have them.”

“ _Everybody_ knows you have them.” Noora sat up. “Isak, can we play a little game?”

Isak blinked. “Um.”

“Close your eyes,” Noora said.

“No,” Isak said.

“Trust me! Just close them.”

Isak shook his head. “I’m not doing that.”

Noora rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine. Just…describe all the things you like about Chris.”

Isak blinked. “What?”

“Just do it! Do you want me to start you off?” When Isak said nothing, Noora said, “Okay, fine. He’s hot. Your turn.”

Isak sighed and took another sip of wine before sitting up a little straighter. “Alright, fuck it. Um. He’s funny.”

“There we go!” Noora said happily. “What else?”

Isak frowned. He got what Noora was trying to do, but listing everything he liked about Chris was kind of difficult. It wasn’t like he could think of a thousand traits that made Chris a great person worthy of Isak’s admiration – it was just a feeling he got whenever he was around him. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“He can be kind,” Isak said.

“When he wants something,” Eskild murmured.

“ _Eskild_ ,” Noora hissed. “Go on, Isak.”

“And he…" He shook his head. "I don’t fucking know. It’s just a feeling I get when I'm with him. I can’t explain it.”

“Okay,” said Noora defeatedly, crossing her legs. “The point I was trying to make is that the traits you like about Chris can be found in _thousands_ of other people, too. I mean he’s what, the second boy you’ve ever been with?”

Isak nodded.

“So he’s just one of many that will come about in your life,” Eskild said, voice a little softer. “You’re completely adorable, Isak, loads of people are going to be interested in you.”

“You’ve just got to put yourself out there,” said Noora. “Meet new people. Be open to new opportunities. Discover a little about yourself, too.”

“Sounds like a lot of stress to me,” muttered Linn.

 

***

 

Friday, 13:22PM

 **Dad** : Hello Isak. Have you heard from Mum? Would you be able to check on her, I’m a little worried. Hugs

 **Isak** : why can’t you check on her? i’m at school

 **Dad** : I have work until 18:30 and it’s a two hour drive from here. Please do this for me.

13:48

 **Dad** : Isak?

I think you’re being a little unfair. It’s not nice of you to leave her in that house on her own all the time.

 **Isak** : you shouldn’t have left then

i have plans tonight

 **Dad** : Isak, please don’t speak to me like that. I transferred a lot of money to you last week. You could do me this small favour.

 **Isak** : fine

i’ll go after school

 

“ _Jesus_ , Sana,” Isak hissed, rubbing his arm irritably. “What was that for?”

Sana gestured silently to the biology teacher, who was staring at Isak with her hands on her hips. “Nice of you to join us, Mr. Valtersen. Phone away, please.”

Isak slid his phone into his pocket and stared at the desk.

“Since you clearly don’t need to pay attention, perhaps _you_ could tell the class what the function of xylem tissue is,” she said.

Isak chewed his lip. “Um.” He felt himself turning red. He tried to think of something to say back - even if it was just an insult - but his mind was kind of slow after reading his dad's texts. 

Sana looked from the teacher to Isak, then folded her arms. “Perhaps _you_ should ask someone who actually wants to answer, instead of using humiliation as a form of punishment,” she said coolly.

The class jeered collectively and the teacher turned away to silence them all. Isak smiled a little at Sana, feeling a rush of gratitude towards her.

“Everything okay?” Sana asked.

Isak just nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

 

***

 

He hadn’t visited his mum in over a month. It hadn’t been a conscious decision – he wasn’t ignoring her anymore, really. It just always stressed him out to see her. Even when she was doing okay, he felt on edge knowing she could snap at any moment. He stood, bouncing on his heels, and took a deep breath. He felt stupidly nervous when he pressed the doorbell.

Nothing.

He pressed it again, then again, and again. It didn’t seem to be working, so he knocked instead. He had his own set of keys, obviously, but he knew his mum preferred it when people announced their arrival.

“Who is it?” came a voice, and Isak didn't realise how tense he'd been until he felt himself relax at her words.

“Isak,” he said.

The door opened.

His mother had once been very pretty. He’d seen photos of her when she was younger; she'd had sharp cheekbones, large hazel eyes and rosy cheeks. But age and stress and illness had withered her. She was still beautiful, in her own way, but she her hair was wiry and greasy; her cheeks were hollow and pale, and her eyes had lost some of the light that Isak had seen in the earlier photos. 

She smiled brightly at him, hugging him tightly. “Isak.”

When he got inside, he could see she wasn’t doing well. Dozens of dirty dishes were piled up by the sink, the house smelt awful and it was bitingly cold. So cold, in fact, that he could see his breath. He noticed the lights were all off - actually, none of the electricity seemed to be working at all.

“Did you remember to pay your electricity bill?” Isak asked.

“Do you want a drink?” his mum asked distractedly. 

“Um, no, I’m fine.” He frowned, opening the fridge. He was immediately met with a horrible smell, and he could see why: the fridge wasn’t on at all. It had been unplugged. So had the microwave, the television…he moved into the living room; the computer, the stereo…everything electronic had been unplugged.

He excused himself to the toilet and, once in there, checked the medical cabinet. His stomach sank when he saw that it was empty.

When he got downstairs, he joined his mother on the sofa. She was smoking a cigarette, smiling lovingly at him. He smiled weakly back.

“Is everything okay, mum?” he asked.

“Everything’s fine,” she told him.

“You’re taking your medication?”

She nodded.

“You promise?”

She nodded again. His stomach sank once more.

He swallowed. “Why have you unplugged everything?”

“Oh, because the neighbours have bugged the place,” she said casually. She shook her head. “They’ve been spying on me ever since they moved here.”

It felt like he'd been punched. Every single time she said something like that, it made his blood run a little colder. But it was worse than that. Every time she said something like that, he got more annoyed with her, too. More exasperated.

He closed his eyes, trying to be patient. “No one is spying on you, mum.”

She smiled fondly at him, stroking his cheek. “You’re still so young. You’re very naïve.”

“ _No_ , I’m _not_ ,” Isak said, more irritably. “They aren’t spying on you. They haven’t got the place bugged.”

“They can see me through the television,” she said seriously. She tapped the side of her head knowingly. “But I can see _them_ , too. That’s what they don’t realise.”

“ _No_ ,” Isak said firmly, voice getting a little louder, eyes getting wet. “Look.”

He went over to the television, grabbed the plug – _“No, Isak, what are you – don’t!”_ – and rammed it into the socket. The television came on instantly, blaring at full volume, and his mother shrieked. He fumbled around, trying to turn the volume down.

“See?” he snapped. “It’s just a normal TV.”

His mother looked horrified. She was clutching her chest, shaking, tears welling in her eyes.

Isak was a piece of shit.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, guilt wrapping around his chest. He turned the television off and sat next to her; placed a gentle arm around her. “I’m sorry, mum. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

He sat with her until she stopped crying.

***

 

Friday, 18:20

Isak: my mums gone crazy again

Chris: Shit

Do you want me to come over?

 

Isak stared at his phone. It would be all too easy to invite Chris over. Chris had been the first person he’d spoken to about his mum other than Jonas and Eva. He had been very drunk at the time – he barely remembered the conversation – but after that, Chris had always kind of silently understood when things were difficult at home. He would even come and hang out at Isak's when things got bad, if Isak asked him to. He wasn't particularly helpful - sometimes, he'd just sit there and laugh at the crazy shit she did - but, weirdly, it kind of helped.

But he was too scared that inviting Chris over now would just lead to him _staying_ over, and him staying over would lead to…well. There would have been no point in breaking things off at all.

18:36

 **Isak** : don’t worry about it

***

 

Isak knew the right thing to do was stay with his mum for the night, but it was too much. He couldn’t bare seeing her like that – it brought back too many shitty memories. Instead, he phoned his dad and made him promise to drive down immediately. When his dad agreed, Isak washed the dirty dishes, threw out all the mouldy stuff, put fresh linen on her bed and went out and bought some food that didn’t need to be frozen or refrigerated. He cooked a meal for the two of them and tried to talk about normal things, like school and the flat and his friends. When his dad finally arrived, he kissed her on the cheek and said he’d see her soon.

He didn’t say anything to his dad.

 

***

 

Friday, 02:22AM

 **Isak** : moulin rouge is weird

 

Isak’s phone rang. He wasn’t expecting it, but seconds after he sent the text, Even’s name came up as an incoming call. He blinked, staring at it, and just assumed it was an accident. When Even called for a second time, Isak answered.

“Moulin Rouge is a masterpiece,” Even said.

“It’s weird.”

“What’s so weird about it, then?”

Isak scoffed. “Do you even need to ask that question?” When Even said nothing, Isak said, “I don’t know. Just…everything. Why is the moon singing opera?”

Even laughed. “I think it’s all the absinthe they were drinking.”

“And who has parties like this?” Isak asked. “All this dancing and glitter and swinging on swings.”

Even hummed. “I don’t know.”

The line was quiet for a little while, and Isak coughed. It felt weirdly intimate, being on the phone like this. He didn't usually like speaking on the phone - he found it too awkward - and usually a silence this long would have made him squirm. But it was weirdly comfortable. 

Isak could hear the whirling of speeding cars on the other end of the line. "Are you outside?"

"Me? I'm taking a walk," Even said. 

Isak snorted. "It's half two in the morning. What's with you always taking walks so late at night?"

“What are you doing now?” Even asked, ignoring him.

“Uh, I haven’t finished the film yet,” Isak said.

“You’re in bed?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you awake?"

Isak rubbed his eyes. “Um, I had a bit of a shit day.”

“What happened?” Even asked.

“Ugh,” Isak groaned, not really wanting to go into it. “Lots of stuff. I don’t know. It’s all boring.”

“So you can’t sleep?” Even asked.

Isak shook his head, then realised Even couldn’t see him. “No,” he said.

“Let’s go out.”

Isak laughed. “Yeah, I’ll meet you there in twenty.”

“No, I’m serious,” Even said, voice getting louder. Isak could hear scuffling in the background. “Let’s go do something. Let’s find a party like the ones they have in Moulin Rouge.”

Isak paused, trying to figure out if Even was serious or not. “Right now?”

“Why not?” Even asked. “You’re not doing anything, right?”

“I mean, no, but –“

“Neither am I. We’re young – we shouldn’t be spending our Friday nights inside watching movies. We should be out there living like we’re _in_ one,” he said.

“I – I’m already in bed,” Isak said weakly, but he felt a little excited at the prospect of not being here, in the dark, on his own, doing nothing except feeling sorry for himself and worrying about his mum and Chris and Lukas and...well, everything.

“So get _out_ of bed,” Even said.

“O...kay,” Isak said, laughing. Even’s sudden energy was sort of infectious, and Isak actually got up. “Um, where shall I meet you?”

“Text me your address. I’ll meet you there.”

And with that, Even hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo a lot is going on in this chapter haha. I apologise. I would have split it into two chapters, but they would have both ended up being ridiculously short. So have one long, slightly clunky one instead haha. Also, I'm still kind of ill and I don't have a beta reader, so if this chapter is crap and has loads of errors, I apologise <3  
> I think the last chapter was kind of like, the end of part 1? I hadn't planned on splitting this fic into "parts", but it probably would have worked a bit better to do so. Anyway, consider this chapter the beginning of part 2. I imagine there will be 3 parts to this fic in total :)  
> I know some people are waiting on Evak, and it is definitely going to be explored (I won't say whether it will be platonic or romantic), but this chapter didn't have much of them because I thought it would have felt...unnatural? Idk. Stay tuned for the next one, though!  
> Thank you for all the comments on the last chapter, as usual! Your support has been absolutely incredible. It really means a lot. <3  
> P.S. I feel a little better now, I think one more day's bedrest and I'll be back to full health. Thank you for all the well wishes xxx


	13. Control is an illusion

When Isak got outside, Even was talking to someone on the phone. He looked irritable – talked in short, snappy sentences. Gave yes or no answers. When he saw Isak, he hung up without saying anything else.

He’d met Even outside because he didn’t want to risk waking up the entire house – specifically, Eskild – and getting forced to answer a load of questions he didn’t know the answers to yet.

“Hey.”

Under the streetlight, Even’s hair looked almost golden. His nose was red, and he was bundled in layer upon layer of clothing. Isak suddenly felt a little overdressed. It wasn’t like he’d gone to much effort himself, but he’d put on a decent shirt and brushed his hair, which was more than what he usually did.

“Hey,” Isak said back.

Even finished the end of his cigarette and threw it on the floor, stumping it out with the end of his shoe. “Ready?”

Isak smirked. “For what?”

“To go!” Even said, standing up a little straighter and moving closer to Isak.

“Go where?” Isak asked.

Even shrugged. “Anywhere. I said we were going to find a party, right?”

“Yeah,” Isak said.

“So, let’s find a party.”

Isak stared at Even a little questionably. He couldn’t figure him out. He was strange and exciting and enigmatic; he knew that much. And Isak felt the same sort of pull that he’d felt the night of the party at the cabin – a kind of curious magnetism. 

“A party.”

“Yeah,” Even said. “A huge fucking party.”

 

***

 

Even dragged Isak to the campest, most over-the-top bar he had ever seen in his life. It was a gay club, and Isak had been a little apprehensive because…well, because gay clubs weren’t really his thing. Eskild had talked to him about it before – had shut him down when he tried too hard to dissociate himself from them – and Isak no longer made fun of people who went or people who were part of _that crowd_. But the fact of the matter still stood: they just weren’t really Isak’s thing.

Yet here he was. The music was loud in his ears; lights beamed and flashed all over the bodies crowded onto the dancefloor, who were swaying and moving and grinding against one another. Isak’s immediate thought was that he was far too sober for this.

“Can we get a drink?” Isak shouted over the music.

Even was bouncing his head to the music, but nodded and followed Isak to the bar.

“Shots?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows.

Isak nodded. Even spoke to the bartender, leaning casually on the bar, grinning and laughing and joking with him.

When Isak went to pull out his wallet, Even put a hand over his and shook his head. “They’re free.”

Isak frowned. “What?”

Even shrugged. “I asked if we could have them for free, and he said yes,” he said.

Isak felt himself smile disbelievingly. “You charmed us into free drinks?”

Even tilted his head and passed him a shot. “I know the bartender,” he said simply. “Cheers.”

“Cheers.”

They threw back the first shot, and Isak felt the burn in his chest and winced a little.

“Have you ever been here before?” Even asked, passing Isak another shot.

Isak drank again and shook his head. “No,” he said, forcing the vodka down him. “Or…maybe. Once. A long time ago.” He looked at Even, who was just staring at him, lights dancing in his eyes. “Have you?”

“Of course!” Even said. “There are so many beautiful people here. I love it.”

Isak looked around. All he could see was a bunch of horny people throwing their tongues down each other’s throats.

“Really?” Isak asked.

“Yeah,” Even said seriously, and they drank another shot. “Look at them all. They’re all being completely free with themselves. Don’t you think that’s beautiful?”

Isak paused. “I guess,” he said. And, well, Even kind of had a point. The whole place definitely gave off a kind of…careless vibe. Maybe that’s what Even meant by free. No one really seemed bothered by what anyone else thought of them.

“Let’s dance,” Even said as a cheesy pop song began blaring from the speakers.

Isak stared at him. “No,” he said.

“Why not?” Even asked, grinning. “You don’t like this song?”

“You _do_?”

Even closed his eyes and nodded his head, bopping to the beat. “It’s a classic.”

Isak widened his eyes. “Well, I have to go, then.”

Even let out a bark of laughter. “You’re leaving?”

Isak nodded, unable to suppress a smile.

“Because of my taste in music?”

“Yep,” Isak said, smirking. “It’s been nice knowing you.”

Even laughed, and it was free and fun and energetic. “I’m going to get you dancing tonight.”

Isak took another shot and shook his head. “No you’re not.”

“What, you’re scared?” Even asked. “You’re not a good dancer?”

“ _Me_?!” Isak asked, pointing at his chest. “I’m the _best_ dancer. I just…don’t want to intimidate anyone here with my skills, that’s all.”

“I’ll get you dancing,” Even promised him seriously. “Just you wait.”

 

***

 

Isak was not a good dancer. He just kind of nodded his head and moved his feet back and forth a little awkwardly. But Even was a _terrible_ dancer – cheesy and over-the-top and full of ridiculous movements. He knew it, though, and it kind of worked on him.

They were dancing kind of close to each other, and the more people who crowded onto the dancefloor, the closer they ended up getting. Even was mouthing along to the words, smiling, and Isak was a little drunk on the vodka and the music and the way Even’s hips were brushing against his. And then Even wrapped an arm around Isak’s neck and pulled him closer, and Isak let him.

The music stopped abruptly and the lights flashed on. The DJ announced it was time to leave, and Even let go as people began moving from the dancefloor towards the exit. They had only been there for half an hour or so – but then, Isak realised, it was pretty late.

Isak stared at Even uncertainly.

“What do you want to do now?” Isak asked.

Even shrugged. “Anything.”

 

***

 

Even’s idea of anything turned out to be a long walk through Oslo city centre. There was something about the cold air and the darkness and just the _quietness_ of it all that made Isak feel more alive somehow. He felt smaller, but in the most wonderful way. Like looking out at the empty city before them made him realise that his problems and worries didn’t matter so much.

They were walking on a large bridge over a wide river when Even said, “Do you still believe you have no control over your life?”

Isak looked at him. “Hm?” Then, he remembered. “Oh. Um, yeah, I guess.” He looked at the floor. “Or I don’t know. Maybe not.”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” Even said, and he pushed himself up on the barrier of the bridge and sat up there, dangling his legs over the edge.

Isak looked up at him. He didn’t think he was quite tall enough or agile enough to get up there, so he just stood and watched Even from the pavement. “What about it?”

“Maybe we _don’t_ have any choice,” he said. “Maybe fate already decided our choices for us.”

For some reason, Isak felt a little uneasy. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Even said, and he wasn’t looking at Isak: he was staring at the river stretching beyond the barrier; at the glistening buildings and streetlights that gathered like little stars in the distance. “Say I jumped off this bridge right now. I could tell myself that’s my choice, right? But maybe it isn’t. Maybe I was always destined to do that. Maybe control is just an illusion.” He looked at Isak, frowning. “Do you know what I mean?”

Isak stared up at him. “No,” he said slowly. His heart pounded a little quicker; he knew he was being stupid, that this was just Even being weird, but he felt a little on edge.

Even looked down at the water below him. “Life is so fragile. I could jump off this bridge and be dead in seconds,” he said. “Or I could choose not to and I could die in sixty years time instead. And the thing is there’s so many choices, you know? How do you know which is the right one? Does it matter, if fate decides it all for us anyway? Maybe I’d jump off and live to tell the tale, if fate wanted me to.”

“It’s fucking cold,” Isak said. “Can we go back?”

Even turned back and smiled at him. “Okay.”

Even swung his legs over to face Isak, then slid off, landing with a thud on the pavement. And Isak just smiled a little nervously at him before they began walking again.

“I think we do have a choice,” Isak said finally. “I don’t think control is an illusion.”

Even stared at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Isak repeated, feeling a little more sure of himself now. “But maybe like…I don’t know. Maybe there are other universes where we made different choices. Maybe for every decision we make, there’s another universe where we made the other choice. Does that make sense?”

Even looked up searchingly at the sky. “Yeah,” he said. “But I don’t know how it makes me feel. It still means you’re not in control of what you do, you know? It just means that in this universe you’re destined to make one choice, and in another you’re destined to make the other choice.”

Isak shrugged. “Maybe.”

Even stopped walking. “Do you think about that stuff much?”

Isak put his hands in his pockets and shook his head, smiling. “Sometimes,” he said honestly.

Even’s face broke into a grin and before Isak knew what was happening, Even pressed his lips against Isak’s. It was quick, brief, and Isak was so shocked that he didn’t have time to respond before Even pulled away. He stayed close to Isak, playing with the zip on Isak’s coat, and Isak laughed – out of shock or nerves or disbelief or confusion, he wasn’t sure.

“What was that for?” he asked.

Even shrugged. “I’ve wanted to do it for a while,” he said. “Do you want to watch a film?”

“I – what?” Isak asked, his thoughts struggling to catch up with him.

“A film,” Even repeated, raising his eyebrows.

“I – it’s – okay,” Isak breathed.

 

***

 

“This is a bad idea.”

Even was staring at Isak, looking at him incredulously. “Why?”

“Because this is breaking and entering!” Isak said.

They were standing outside an old cinema. The sign was damaged and barely readable anymore, and the pillars that had once stood proudly at the entrance were crumbling and held up by scaffolding.

“We’re not breaking anything,” Even said, budging a bit of wood that was covering one of the empty windows. “We’re just entering.” He stared at Isak, and maybe Isak looked as apprehensive as he felt, because Even said, “I’ve been in here before. It’ll be fine.”

He successfully removed the wood that was boarding the window up and climbed inside. He was quiet for a while, and Isak watched – he couldn’t really see anything – and eventually, Even appeared at the window.

“Come on,” he said, holding his hand out.

Isak took Even’s hand, which was colder and rougher than he thought it would be. He used him as a sort of support whilst he climbed clumsily inside.

Even used his phone as a torch and illuminated the room before them. They were in what was once a screening room, but it had been completely abandoned. Most of the seats were moth-eaten, shredded, or covered in bird shit. Weirdly, the screen – which Isak assumed would have been shipped off somewhere – was still standing at the front of the room, covered with holes and cracks and brightly covered graffiti.

Isak stared at Even, who was roaming through the rows of chairs with a look of concentration on his face. Isak watched the way Even’s breath came out in white clouds before him, how his nose was still a little red with the cold, how his hair curled at the ends, just above his neck.

“Here,” Even said finally, patting two seats. “These are good.”

Isak looked dubiously at the broken screen in front of them. “Okay,” he said slowly.

“We’re going to finish watching Moulin Rouge,” Even said confidently.

“In here?” Isak asked.

“Mhm.”

Isak frowned, taking a seat beside Even. “On there?” he asked, nodding towards the screen.

Even laughed. “On here,” he said, gesturing to his phone.

“You have a copy on there too?” Isak asked.

Even looked at him. “Of course.”

They began watching the film on Even’s phone, but Isak couldn’t really concentrate. He kept thinking back to the kiss, brief and cold and sweet, and he tried to make sense of how he felt about it. Mainly, he just felt confused. Confused and curious.

He became acutely aware of how close they were to each other. Their shoulders were pressed together, knees almost touching. He watched Even; studied his breathing, studied the way his eyes were bright and alive and the way he laughed with no inhibitions. He really was very beautiful.

Before Isak knew it, he was turning towards Even and nudging his cheek with his nose. Even turned, very slowly, and Isak was the one to lean in this time.

It was different to kissing Chris. That was Isak’s first thought. It was soft and sweet and gentle, and he could feel Even’s smile against his lips. But Isak quickly realised that if he kept thinking about Chris, he’d stop kissing Even. So, he pushed Chris out of his mind – it was easier with all the alcohol in his system – and focused on Even’s lips, on the feel of his hands in his hair, the feel of his tongue in his mouth. And he tried not to worry about what this all meant.

They broke apart when they heard a voice.

“Hello?” someone called.

Isak and Even stared at each other a little nervously.

“Come out – this is the police!”

“Oh, fuck,” Isak murmured. A torch blared in the hall opposite them.

Even shot up.

“We should go.”

They ran towards the window – Even went first, then helped Isak climb through – and they could hear the police call after them, feel footsteps stomping chasing them. They swore loudly and ran together, as fast as they could, randomly weaving in and out of streets and back alleys until they were sure they’d lost them. Then they bent over, out of breath, laughing, and Even kissed Isak again.

Isak tried to ignore the nagging guilt in his chest.

 

***

 

They went to Even’s house after. Isak was still a little tipsy, which was probably why he agreed to go back. It was almost 6AM now, and people were just beginning to fill up the roads to take their morning commute.

There was this awkward moment, when they were inside, where Isak moved to go into Chris’ room. It was just habit, he supposed, but he felt a sudden pang in his chest when he realised he wasn’t going in there.

Even put Moulin Rouge back on and they lay in bed. Eventually, they began kissing again. It was slow and tender, but when Even deepened the kiss and moved on top of Isak, Isak stopped him. He didn’t know why. 

“I’m kind of tired,” he murmured.

Even smiled and nodded understandingly. Kissed Isak on the forehead. Told him it was okay and put the film back on. He animatedly told Isak about the parts of the film he loved the most. He told him how they filmed certain scenes and who wrote the music. He talked and talked, and eventually Isak stopped giving answers. Just let Even speak as his eyes fluttered shut and he fell asleep.

 

***

Saturday, 08:32AM

 

 **Even** : Sorry, I had to sort a few things out. Help yourself to breakfast. I’ll text you later.

 

***

Chris was standing in the kitchen when Isak walked in.

Isak’s head was a little groggy. He couldn’t shake last night away. He felt guilty and confused and annoyed and happy and apprehensive and…and too many things.

He snapped awake almost as soon as Chris turned around, though. They stood and looked at each other for a while, and Isak realised in that moment just how much he’d missed Chris.

“What are you doing here?” Chris asked finally. He looked a little pale and thinner than he usually did, and he was frowning at Isak.

“Um, I went out with Even last night,” Isak said. “We – Eskild was with me and we just ran into him, and I was too drunk to go home, and Eskild wanted to stay so – so Even took” – Isak coughed – “took me here.”

He didn’t know why he was lying.

Chris opened his mouth to say something, but the next second someone was walking into the kitchen. A boy, taller than Isak, with dark wet hair and blue eyes. It was only then that Isak noticed the love bites scattered down Chris’ neck.

The dark-haired boy stopped and stared between the two of them. Chris took a sip of his coffee and pulled out his phone, flicking through it casually.

“Um, I’m going to go,” the boy said.

Chris nodded. He didn’t lift his gaze from his screen. “Okay,” he said.

The boy was quiet for a long time, then scoffed. “Do you even remember my name?”

Chris looked at him and shrugged. “Jacob?”

Judging by his reaction, Jacob was not the boy’s name. He laughed humourlessly and rolled his eyes. “Wow. Fuck you.”

After the boy left, there was this weird moment where it was just Isak and Chris again. Things were silent and Isak wasn’t sure what to do with himself; he was suddenly aware of his hands and his legs and how awkwardly he was stood.

“I’ll see you around,” he said eventually.

And Chris just let him leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: I actually hate love triangles. I actively avoid books that include them. So someone please tell me why I'm writing one, lmao.  
> Thank you for all the support, as always. It really means a lot <3  
> P.S. Is anyone else dying waiting for the skam trailer to come out because I'm about to expire D:


	14. Parents suck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Mental health issues

Chris had hooked up with another guy.

It was stupid that it annoyed Isak more when Chris hooked up with boys as opposed to girls. He didn’t even know _why_ it irritated him so much: sex was sex – it didn’t matter what gender it was with.

Except…Chris had hooked up with a lot _less_ guys since he and Isak had been a thing. It wasn’t like he never fucked other guys – he did, sometimes – but it was just…a lot less common. And Isak kind of liked that, because it had made him feel worth a little more.

Which was stupid.

The worst bit of this whole situation was that Isak couldn’t even be angry at Chris now. Because _he’d_ called things off, right? _He’d_ stupidly decided to throw away what little ties Chris had to him. And for what? So he could feel like this? So he could kiss boys he wasn’t even sure he liked whilst Chris continued to sleep around without a care in the world?

The more he thought about it, the more he wondered whether Chris’ text had just been an attempt to hook Isak back in. To keep Isak on the backburner for whenever Chris was bored or desperate enough to hook up with him. Because it had been less than twenty-four hours since Isak and Even had kissed, and Isak’s mind was already shredded with guilt and confusion about it all. He hadn’t even texted Even back, he felt so shitty.

The whole Even thing just confused Isak. He made him feel excited and nervous and happy and guilty, and he had nice eyes and nice lips and kissing him had been…had been nice. He was kind and interesting and intelligent. But something was holding Isak back.

He knew what it was, of course: It was Chris. Which was just ridiculous, because Isak had never held Chris back from hooking up with anyone before.

How did Chris do it? How did he sleep around so much and still claim – or claimed – that Isak had meant something to him?

Isak could see only two answers in his mind: either it had never meant anything at all, or Isak was just very easy to forget about. And perhaps it must have been the latter, because neither Chris nor Even seemed to be in a rush to talk to him.

 

***

 

Sunday, 09:11

 

 **Dad** : Isak, can you answer your phone?

I think I’m going to have to take your mum to hospital.

 **Isak** : why?

Missed Call

 **Dad** : She hasn’t been out of bed since Friday evening.

 **Isak** : that’s normal for her

 **Dad** : She isn’t eating or drinking anything. I have work tomorrow and I can’t leave her alone like this.

 **Isak** : take the day off

 **Dad** : This isn’t a problem that will be fixed in a day, Isak. She needs medical help. And I need to get back to your sister. She relies on me for lifts to school.

 **Isak** : i’ll come over now

 

***

 

Isak didn’t really talk to his dad when he got in. He just headed straight upstairs, ignoring his father’s shitty attempts at small talk, and walked towards his mother’s bedroom.

He pushed the door open and turned the light on. His mother was bundled under some blankets, a hood over her head, greasy hair in her face. She blinked a few times before squeezing her eyes shut again.

“Hi,” Isak said gently. “It’s just me.”

There was a long silence. Then, his mother croaked, “Leave me alone.”

Isak stared at her, fingers still on the door handle. He swallowed hard. “Let’s go for a walk,” he said quietly. “Or we could go to church, if you like. We could still make the 11 o’clock service.”

His mum said nothing.

“ _Mum_ ,” he said, a little more urgently.

“Please leave me alone.”

Isak felt his heart sink. “You need to get out of bed,” he said. “Please, mum.”

Silence.

Isak took a deep breath and blinked up at the ceiling. “I wanted to talk to you,” he said finally.

More silence.

“Do you remember Chris? He used to come over a lot. He threw a plate at you once when you tried to smash a glass over my head. Remember? You hated him.”

Nothing.

Isak pressed his lips together. “We’ve been hooking up for the last year,” he said. He expected some sort of reaction; he had never spoken to his mother about his relationships before. But she didn’t stir. He bit his lip. “I want to be with him, but he doesn’t want to be with me.” He hated how fragile his voice sounded. “And the other day I kissed his housemate and I don’t know what to think about it. And Chris’ friends hate me, and they gave me drugs and filmed it and the whole school saw it – and I don’t know what to do after I graduate and – and now dad wants you hospitalised, and I can’t deal with that as well, okay?” He felt his voice rising, anger spilling out of him. “So can you just” – he moved towards the blankets and yanked them off her – “can you just get _up_ , Mum? Please?”

When she did nothing, Isak tried to pull her up, but she shook him off. “ _Get out of_ _bed_!” he snapped.

She was shaking – trembling – and Isak realised that she had begun to cry. He stood back, breath heavy, and just watched her pull the blankets back over her head again.

“Please go away,” she said eventually.

He felt stupid for crying, stupid for thinking he could get her out of bed, stupid for having these problems and stupid for telling her about them. Like she’d be able to do anything about them all anyway.

He took a deep breath, nodded, and left.

His dad was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at him a little apprehensively. Isak pushed past him, but his dad took his arm.

“Are you okay?”

Isak didn’t look at him. “Yeah.”

“I’ll take her to the ward this afternoon,” he said. “I’ve already called. They have a room available for her at that private hospital she went to last time.”

Isak stared at the floor. “Do whatever you want.”

“Do you want to come with us?”

“No.”

“Isak, I think mum would appreciate it if you came.”

“What would _you_ know?!” Isak snapped. “You just left her!” Then, more quietly, he added, “You left _me_.”

His dad stared at him for a long time. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“You just took Lea with you and _left_ me with her,” Isak mumbled.

His dad’s eyes fell to the floor. “And I feel awful about that. I would have taken you both if I’d had the room, you know that.”

Isak scoffed. “You should’ve _made_ room.”

“We have a spare bedroom at the new place. You know you’re always welcome there.”

 _No, I’m not_ , Isak thought.

“Listen, Isak, I’ve been thinking.” His dad adjusted his glasses and looked at him again. “Why don’t I pay for you to get driving lessons? You can have mum’s car – she never drives it anyway – and then you can come and visit us whenever you feel like it.”

Isak frowned. “ _You’re_ the one who should be visiting _me_ ,” he said.

His dad threw his hands exasperatedly in the air. “Isak! You _have_ to meet me half way here! Can’t you see I’m trying?”

“No, I can’t,” Isak snapped, and he pushed past his dad and left.

 

***

 

Isak barely registered the bus ride home. He was just angry at his dad and angry at his mum and angry with – with Even and Chris and the bus driver and the stupid man who trod on his backpack as he stepped off the bus. With the baby who wouldn’t stop crying and the woman whose shitty pop music blared loudly through her headphones; with the old lady who took forever to cross the road and with the middle-aged man who hadn’t sorted out his change before he got on the bus. He just felt like he was waiting for someone to say something to him so he’d have an excuse to fight them.

He didn’t really realise he was calling Chris until the third ring. Then, he felt a little apprehensive. They hadn’t spoken since yesterday and – well, that hadn’t exactly been much of a conversation.

He was about to hang up when Chris answered.

“Hey,” Chris said.

“My dad’s an arsehole,” Isak blurted out.

Chris was quiet for a while. “Join the club.”

“He wants my mum to go back to the psych ward,” Isak told him. He didn’t know why he was saying all of this – least of all to Chris, who, granted, knew what was happening with Isak’s mum, but rarely offered any actual advice on it.

“Your mum _needs_ to go to a psych ward,” Chris said. “She’s crazy.”

“It won’t help. It never does.”

“I thought it helped last time,” Chris said. He coughed – a nasty, chesty cough. “For a bit, anyway.”

“Yeah, for a bit. But then she always gets bad again.”

“Better than her being bad the whole time,” Chris said.

Something like a glass smashing sounded in the background. Isak frowned.

“Where are you?”

“My parents’,” Chris replied. He coughed again, and Isak could make out Chris’ parents shouting at each other. “Dad’s had another affair.”

Isak scoffed. “Nice.”

“Parents suck,” Chris said.

“Parents suck,” Isak repeated. “Is he leaving again then?”

“Nah,” Chris said. “He’ll leave when he wants to. Right now he wants mum to stay with him and forgive him, so she will.” More shouting. “Eventually.”

“Sounds stressful,” Isak said.

“It’s all good fun. Got to love drama.” Chris was quiet for a while. Then, he said, “It’s kind of bullshit on my brother, though.”

Isak hummed. He didn’t really know what to say. His anger was leaving him, and something a little softer was replacing it.

Simply speaking to Chris didn’t seem quite enough. It was nice to talk to him and hear his voice again without it being too awkward. But he wanted to be _with_ him, to hang out with him, to see him smile and raise his eyebrows and grin and roll his eyes and do all the things Isak couldn't see while talking to him on the phone.

“Um, we should hang out soon, anyway,” Isak said. “If you’re free.”

“Gaming?” Chris asked.

Isak knew what _that_ usually lead to. “Uh, I – not – not _that_ kind of hanging out,” he said awkwardly.

Chris laughed, which caused him to erupt into a coughing fit. When it finally passed, he said, “ _Just_ gaming, dirty boy.”

Isak felt his cheeks go red. “Just gaming.” He smiled. “You free today?”

“Nah,” Chris said. “I’ve got to help my dad with something. Wednesday?”

“What, you’re helping him with his new-found career as a drug lord?” Isak asked, laughing. When Chris said nothing, Isak said, “Wait, you _are_?”

“He’s not a drug lord,” Chris said reasonably.

“Jesus, Chris,” Isak murmured, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Chris laughed a little. “Are you getting worried about me, pretty b– Isak?”

“I just don’t want to see you on the news after they find bits of you chopped up in bin bags or something.”

“Chill,” Chris said easily. “It’s nothing I haven’t agreed to do.” They were quiet for a while as Isak tried to think of something to say. Then, Chris said, “So, Wednesday?”

“Mine or yours?” Isak asked.

“I don’t fancy getting attacked by Eskild,” Chris said. “Mine?”

“Um, will Even be there?” Isak asked, trying to sound as casual as he could. He still hadn’t messaged Even, and he was a little apprehensive about running into him. He couldn’t shake the idea that Chris wouldn’t appreciate the two of them kissing.

Chris scoffed. “Who cares?” Then, “Oh, right. I forgot you two were best buddies now.”

“We’re not _best buddies_ ,” Isak muttered irritably. "We hung out twice. Three times, maybe."

“Whatever. Uh, I don’t know. He’s getting stress from his ex, so I think he’s off dealing with that.”

Isak felt his stomach sink a little. “His ex?”

“Yeah. She came ‘round while you were sleeping the other day,” he said. There was a loud thump and the sound of a door bursting open. “Oh, shit. I’ve got to go.”

“Are you—“

“Wednesday,” Chris said. Isak opened his mouth to respond, but Chris had already hung up.

 

***

 

Sunday, 21:20

 

 **Isak** : are you getting back with your ex?

it’s chill if you are, i just want to know

i don’t want to get in the way of anything

 **Even** : Why do you think that?

 **Isak** : chris mentioned you went off with her yesterday

 **Even** : I’m not getting back with her.

 **Isak** : ok

 **Even** : Sorry, I’ll explain another time. But we’re not getting back together.

Are you still hooking up with Chris?

 **Isak** : no not really

 **Even** : No or not really?

 **Isak** : no

we’re still friends though

 **Even** : Ok :)

 **Isak** : :)

 **Even** : I’m sorry if I freaked you out on Friday night.

 **Isak** : ??

 **Even** : When I kissed you.

 **Isak** : oh

it didn’t freak me out

i just wasn’t expecting it

it was nice

 **Even** : Ok. Good.

You should decide when we next kiss, though.

 **Isak** : who says there’ll be a next time?

 **Even** : Ouch

 **Isak** : kidding

 **Even** : Good

 **Isak** : stop being so desperate

 **Even** : Haha

You’re the one messaging about exes one day after we first kissed.

 **Isak** : haha! touché

i had fun though

 **Even** : Me too.

Have you told Chris we kissed?

 **Isak** : not yet

thinking about telling him wednesday. arranged to hang out

 **Even** : Ok.

 **Isak** : not sure how he’ll react

but i don’t want to lie to him

and he shouldn’t care anyway, we aren’t together anymore

we never were together

you don’t think i should tell him?

 **Even** : No, I think you should tell him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I sound like a broken record, but thank you for all the support! Every time I get a new comment I get so excited, so yes. Thank you so much <3 I can't believe this fic is almost at 600 kudos, what on earth ausfinjkcds  
> EDIT: i accidentally uploaded the wrong version of this chapter. oops. only the texts between isak and even are different. they're fixed now :)


	15. I'm alone anyway

“You’re smoking again?”

Chris was leaning against his house when Isak arrived, cigarette between his lips. He blew out some smoke and nodded.

“For how long?” Isak asked.

“A few weeks,” Chris said. He looked Isak up and down and said, “You look good.”

Isak ignored him. “I thought it fucked with your chest?”

Chris threw the end of the cigarette on the floor and shrugged. “Whatever. Coming inside?”

Once they were in Chris’ bedroom, Chris passed Isak the controller and they sat together, cross-legged on the floor, playing FIFA. It was kind of weird, because they never usually got to finish a game. And there was this awkward moment half way through when both of them kind of forgot their agreement – Isak had pushed Chris’ controller and Chris had grabbed Isak’s wrist and they were both laughing, faces close, and it would have been so easy to lean in and kiss one another. And they could feel it, both of them. But instead, Chris let go of Isak’s hand and muttered, “Fucking cheat.”

Isak laughed. The game kind of carried on, prompting them to do something, but neither of them really felt like playing anymore. Isak looked at Chris and reached over, pushing his head a little so that Chris tilted back, exposing the long trail of love bites on his neck.

“Jeez,” Isak said, laughing. “Did you hook up with a cannibal or something?”

Chris scoffed. “I know. He wasn’t that great, actually.”

“No?”

“Nah,” Chris said, stretching, his t-shirt sliding up a little and revealing the skin at his hip. “He was too…greedy.”

“Greedy?” Isak repeated, laughing. “You’re the greediest person I know.”

“Fuck you,” Chris muttered, grinning. He coughed. “I like to think I make sure the other person enjoys themselves, too.”

Isak raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Fair point.” Isak looked at him, at the way the bruise on his cheek was still there, faintly, and the way the cut bridged across his nose had turned into a pink line. “So you didn’t enjoy it?”

“No.” Chris shrugged. “I mean, whatever. It was fine.”

Isak chewed his lip a little apprehensively. If ever there was a time to talk about hooking up with someone else, it was now. Chris was already opening his mouth to say something, but Isak cut him off. “Uh – Chris?”

Chris looked at Isak, biting his bottom lip. “Yeah?”

Isak sat up, folding one of his legs over the other. He wanted to look at Chris, but he couldn’t bring their eyes to meet. “Um, you know Even?”

“Obviously,” Chris said.

“Yeah. Um.” Isak tilted his head, trying to think of what to say. How to phrase it. “Um. So you know on Friday? We ended up going out together and um – he – well, I don’t – we ended up kissing.”

Chris scoffed. “Seriously?”

Isak smiled nervously. “Yeah,” he said slowly.

“Okay,” Chris said. “Was that what you wanted to tell me?”

“Yeah,” Isak said.

Chris nodded, grinning strangely. “Okay,” he said again, laughing a little. He frowned, shook his head, still smiling, then looked at Isak. “You just kissed?”

“Yeah,” Isak said.

Chris nodded. His smile fell a little, and Isak felt guilt swamp him.

“I mean,” Isak began, shaking his head. “We were both drunk. It didn’t – I don’t think – it’s not like we’re together or anything.”

Chris laughed and raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, ‘cause that would be fucked up.”

“It didn’t even feel – wait, what?”

Chris shrugged. “It would be fucked up if you and Even got together.”

Suddenly, Isak felt defensive. “Why?” Then he shook his head. “Wait, no. You don’t get to say that.”

“Say what?” Chris asked, laughing. “That I think it’d be fucked up if my old fuck buddy started dating my new housemate?”

“You don’t get to say – fuck buddy? Seriously?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Whatever you want to call it.” He was quiet for a while, tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie. “Why him, though? Of all people?”

Isak shrugged. “He’s nice. I don’t know.” He stared at Chris. “I don’t have to justify this to you, Chris.”

Chris laughed bitterly. “Okay.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Why are you turning this into something?”

“I’m not!” Chris said quickly, standing up. He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes. “When did you turn into such a bitch?”

“ _I’m_ a bitch?!” Isak stood up. “You’re the one telling me I can’t get with someone, just because—“

“I never said you couldn’t!” Chris snapped. “We’re not together! Do whatever the fuck you like, I don’t care!”

“Why are you lying?!” Isak asked. He turned around and ran a trembling hand through his hair, then faced Chris again. “What, _you_ can fuck whoever you like and I can’t?”

“I thought you didn’t fuck him,” Chris said.

“I didn’t! You’re missing the point!”

“I’m not missing the point!” Chris said. “I never hooked up with any of _your_ housemates, did I?”

“You would’ve done if you had the chance,” Isak said.

Chris was staring at the ceiling. “You’re fucking impossible.”

“ _I’m_ impossible?”

“Yes!” Chris said. He was shaking too, now, cheeks red. “You think I want to listen to the two of you fuck in the room next to me while I’m sat here trying to forget—“

“Like you never put me through anything like that?” Isak snapped. “Jesus, Chris, why do you have to be so fucking selfish?”

“Selfish,” Chris breathed, eyebrows raised, nodding his head. “Wow.”

“You don’t think you are?” Isak asked. “Trying to dictate who I can and can’t kiss when we’re – we’re not even – we never even _were_ anything!”

“We _were_ something,” Chris said. “Don’t bullshit me.”

“What were we, then?”

“I don’t fucking know! But you’re – you’re in _here_ ,” Chris said desperately, tapping the side of his head. “You’re fucking _killing_ me.”

“What does that even mean?!” Isak asked.

Chris stared at him, then shrugged lightly. “It means don’t hook up with Even.”

“Oh my God,” Isak said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Do you have any idea how _exhausting_ you are?”

Chris said nothing.

“So what? So I don’t hook up with Even and – and you can keep stringing me along? We just go back to how we were before?”

“What was wrong with what we had before?” Chris asked, voice quieter.

“I was miserable!” Isak snapped. “You would just hook up with whoever you wanted, you didn’t care—“

Chris rolled his eyes. “How many times – that’s what we agreed on –“

“You didn’t notice how I never hooked up with anyone else?” Isak said, and his voice was quieter and more fragile now. He felt tears welling in his eyes and he swallowed hard. “How I only ever slept with you?”

Chris’ mouth was open a little. “I –“

“I don’t know what your problem is,” Isak said, shaking his head wildly. “I don’t know why you’re so fucked up. But you’ll just end up alone if you carry on like this.”

Chris laughed bitterly. “I’m alone anyway.”

Isak pressed his lips together, shrugged, and thought, _fuck it_.

“You don’t have to be.”

Chris licked his lips, stared at Isak properly for the first time in forever. He was frowning. He looked almost scared, and Isak just looked at him, realised how uncomfortable Chris looked. Chris opened his mouth, closed it again, then shook his head ever so slightly and kissed Isak. It was soft, and Isak melted into it easily. Could stay like that forever, with Chris’ hands on his cheeks and his lips against his own, mouth open a little because it was Chris and that’s how Chris kissed – always open, always hungry. Isak pulled away, though. Kept his forehead pressed against Chris’ and kept his eyes closed.

“Give me time,” Chris said.

Isak looked at him. Suddenly hated how weak he became at Chris’ touch; how Chris could make him forget all the shit he’d put him through. And he thought of Even, and how Even was just so willing to kiss him and get to know him and hang out with him, and how things with Even felt so simple in comparison. So much easier. Even was good; he was strange but good and kind and intelligent and interesting, and a thousand other things, too.

“I’ve given you time,” Isak said finally, wriggling free from Chris’ grip. “Sort your shit out.”

“Don’t—“ Chris began.

“Don’t _what_ , Chris?” Isak snapped. He shook his head, laughing humourlessly. “You have no right to tell me what to do.”

Chris swallowed hard. “Fine,” he said. “Fuck you, then.”

Isak left, and it wasn’t until he was half way down the hallway that he heard a loud thud which sounded a lot like Chris had just punched something. He stopped, closed his eyes, then forced himself to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the one scene for this chapter, but it was quite an important one. Hope you all like it!  
> Thank you as usual for the support, it means the world <3


	16. A sweet distraction

“You don’t have to drive me.”

Eskild grabbed his car keys and rolled his eyes. “If I don’t, will you go?”

“I – yes,” Isak lied. “Or, I don’t know. But she’s been in hospital before and I haven’t gone to visit her, so.”

“Well, that’s all the more reason to go now then, isn’t it?” said Eskild reasonably, checking his reflection in the mirror.

Isak was staring at the floor. “She probably doesn’t want to see me. I practically assaulted her the last time we spoke.”

“She’s your mother, Isak, of course she wants to see you.”

It had been a mistake to mention his mum to Eskild. Isak had only said it so that he didn’t have to explain that it had been _Chris_ that was making him this miserable – he couldn’t be bothered to listen to Eskild rant about what a shitty person Chris was at the moment. And the thing was, the stuff with his mum _was_ stressing him out, too. But it was more of a constant dull ache rather than a thumping, splitting headache.

Anyway, the minute he’d mentioned it, Eskild had asked when Isak planned to visit his mother. When Isak said he didn’t plan on visiting at all, Eskild somehow persuaded him to go. He was irritated, but there was another part of him that was quietly grateful, too.

“—just think it’s so selfish that you won’t even bother coming, William, they’re my parents—“

The front door burst open and Noora and William walked in. Noora’s cheeks were red and her eyes were wet, and William trailed after her, hair messy and eyes dark.

“I’ve met them before,” he said. “They don’t like me, anyway.”

“They don’t _know_ you!” Noora said. She placed her hands on her hips. “You’re seriously going to stay at home and nap instead?”

“Noora, I had no sleep last night – you know I was –”

“It’s the _one_ day of the year my parents are going to be in town!” Noora snapped, tears spilling over onto her cheeks. “Can’t you just make an effort? For me?”

William looked at her and something in him softened. “Of course,” he said finally, cupping her face and brushing her tears away. “Just let me get changed, okay?”

“Okay.”

They froze when they saw Eskild and Isak, and there was this kind of awkward exchanging of nods before they disappeared into Noora’s bedroom. Eskild rolled his eyes.

“There’s always drama with William,” he said, pulling his bag over his shoulder and opening the front door. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the boy, but I don’t think they’ve ever agreed on anything in their entire relationship.”

Isak scoffed, and the two of them left the house and got into Eskild’s car.

 

***

 

The hospital was quite a way out of the city in a quiet, green area surrounded by plenty of trees and littered with flowerbeds. Isak had barely spoke for the entire car journey, and Eskild had made up for that by blaring ridiculously cheesy 90s pop songs over the radio and singing dramatically to them. It had made Isak smile, at least.

As they went inside, Isak suddenly felt a rush of panic wash over him. He hated hospitals, and he hated psychiatrists and psychologists and all the people who tried – and failed – to help his mum, time and time again.

The walls were grey, but plastered with colourful posters that had all these cliché phrases on them in brightly coloured ink. The whole place smelt of bleach and it was too warm; even after removing his beanie and his scarf, Isak was still sweating.

Eskild spoke to the receptionist. He was carrying a large bouquet of flowers (he’d insisted on stopping along the way and buying some) and he passed them to Isak when the receptionist asked for his ID.

“Um, I don’t have my ID,” Isak lied.

“It isn’t in your wallet?” Eskild asked, taking the flowers back.

Isak shook his head. “I, uh, forgot my wallet.”

Eskild raised his eyebrows and nodded at Isak’s pocket. His wallet was sticking out of the top.

Isak felt his cheeks go red. “Whatever,” he mumbled, and slapped his ID on the desk.

 

***

 

His mum’s room was a lot nicer than he thought it would be. It was plain and white, with a bed, a desk and a wardrobe – Isak had been imagining some sort of metal barred cell. She smiled serenely at him when he walked in; she was a little foggy – distant – probably from the medication. But her hair was clean and her cheeks had a little more colour in them, so that was something.

During the awkward silence that followed after they greeted each other, Eskild jumped in and handed her the flowers.

“These are from Isak,” he lied.

His mother looked at them. “I love sunflowers,” she said, grinning. “Thank you.”

Isak just nodded. He looked around the room, and his eyes settled on a collage above her desk. Photos of himself, of Lea, of his father and mother and her friends were sandwiched together with motivational quotes and heart stickers. He smirked.

“Did Lea make this?” he asked.

His mother nodded. “Isn’t it lovely?”

Isak felt a strange mixture of warmth and guilt rush through him. “Yeah,” he said. “How is she?”

“She’s good. She’s dyed her hair pink,” she said.

Isak smiled fondly. He hadn’t seen his sister in months. He had spent a long time hating her for being the one his dad chose to take with him. By the time Isak was ready to forgive her – or, really, by the time Isak realised there was nothing to forgive her _for_ – she’d already built up a year of resentment towards him. Now, they just saw each other in passing, usually at funerals or other family events. Even then, they wouldn’t really talk. Isak wondered if she missed him as much as he missed her.

He rubbed his eyes and coughed. 

“We got you these, too,” Eskild said, holding up a box of chocolates. “I know how boring hospital food can be.”

Isak’s mum walked quickly over to Eskild, grabbed the chocolates, and sat back on the bed. “Thank you,” she said gratefully, ripping the box open and trying one. “The staff here put rat poison in the food, you know.”

Isak felt his stomach sink. He closed his eyes. “No one’s poisoning your food, mum,” he said quietly.

“Why don’t we play some card games?” Eskild asked suddenly.

And that’s what they did. And it was okay, actually. Isak had forgotten that his mum was actually really good at poker – she won all rounds – and it was funny seeing Eskild getting offended at how badly he kept losing. Eventually, Eskild let the two of them battle it out between them, and settled on braiding Isak’s mother’s hair instead. And that’s how they stayed until the nurse came in to tell them that visiting hours were over.

Before he left, Isak’s mum kissed his cheek and gave him a hug.

“Thank you for coming,” she said, squeezing him tightly. When he pulled away, she cupped his face in her hands and pressed their foreheads together. “My handsome boy.”

Isak wriggled away, a little embarrassed, but he felt himself smile nonetheless.

“Uh, I’ll see you next week, maybe,” he said.

It was the first time in a long time that it didn’t feel like a heavy promise to make.

 

***

 

Saturday, 12:21

 **Even** : Can we talk?

 **Isak** : sure

 **Even** : In person.

 **Isak** : yea ok

this evening?

 **Even** : Ok. I’ll meet you at your place.

 **Isak** : everything alright?

***

 

There was something different about the way Even looked at Isak when he opened the front door to him. His eyes were a little more intense, bright and blue and glistening with a newfound focus. He was bouncing on his heels a little nervously, blonde hair bobbing along with him, and Isak found himself smiling.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

Isak looked at him for a little while longer, then said, “Food?”

Even grinned and nodded. “Food.”

 

***

 

They spent a long time bickering about what to have for dinner. Even made fun of the food in Isak’s cupboard – or lack, thereof – and in the end they just resorted to stealing some of Linn’s microwavable burgers.

“I don’t think there’s any actual _beef_ in this burger,” Isak said, looking at it distastefully.

“No?” Even asked with his mouth full.

“No,” Isak said, wrinkling his nose. “It’s probably just…I don’t know…chicken feet or something.”

“Chicken feet?” Even repeated, laughing. “Why chicken feet?”

“I don’t know. That’s what they put in McDonald’s burgers, isn’t it?”

“You know that’s all bullshit,” Even said, looking at the burger thoughtfully. “I read this article about it. McDonalds burgers are actually 100% beef.”

Isak laughed. “Okay. I didn’t realise you were an expert.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t know,” Even said, smirking. “You claim to be a genius at everything else.”

“ _Claim_?” Isak repeated, offended. He grinned. “I don’t _claim_  to be shit. I _am_ a genius at everything else.”

“Okay,” Even laughed.

Isak threw the burger on his plate and pushed the plate away. “It does taste like shit, though.”

Even wrinkled his nose and nodded, smiling. “I didn’t want to say anything.”

“Come on,” Isak said, leaning over and grabbing the burger from Even’s hands. “Let’s go out. We’ll grab a kebab instead.”

 

***

 

They walked the longer way to the kebab shop. They talked about nothing and everything, and Isak’s head was a mess of confusion whenever he caught the way Even looked at him. Because Even looked at him like he clung onto every word Isak said; like he was genuinely interested in what he had to say. And there was a part of Isak that liked this – liked how Even seemed to care, liked how Even seemed to listen. But there was another part which just felt confused and guilty. The confusion, he could blame on Chris, but the guilt baffled him.

After they bought their food, they settled on a park bench and were quiet for a while. Even kept stealing glances at Isak, and Isak felt his cheeks burn at the feeling of Even’s eyes on him.

Eventually, Even said, “Um, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not being there when you woke up last Saturday.”

Isak sat up a little. “Oh.” He pushed some of his food around with his fork. “It’s okay.”

“Stuff with my ex is complicated,” he continued. “We’re still figuring things out.”

“Complicated how?”

Even frowned thoughtfully. “She’s just…we were together for six years. We both wanted fresh starts, but it’s more difficult than we thought.”

“Why did you break up?” Isak asked, genuinely curious.

At that question, Even stared at the floor and stayed quiet for a long time. Isak was just beginning to worry that he’d overstepped a boundary when Even spoke. “We just became two different people. And we were together for so long that…that the length of our relationship became the only thing keeping us together.” He looked at Isak. “Does that make sense?”

Isak nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

“I just don’t want you to think I wasn’t there because I don’t like you,” Even blurted out.

Isak just stared at him.

“Because I do,” Even continued, and he was staring at Isak with complete purpose now. “I really like you.”

The words came like a strange car crash into Isak’s head; messy and nonsensical. For some bizarre reason, he let out a bark of laughter.

“You like me?” he repeated, and when Even just nodded at him, Isak shook his head. “But…why?”

Even laughed. “Fucking hell. Is it so crazy that I’d like you?”

“I – no,” Isak mumbled, staring at his hands, then back at Even. “I just – I –“

“You don’t have to say anything back,” said Even quickly. “I just thought I’d throw it out there.”

Isak was quiet for a while, then smiled. “Throw it out there,” he repeated.

Even hummed, and they sat in silence for a while until their food went cold. Isak tried to think of something to say – Even didn’t seem to find the silence unsettling, but Isak did – but nothing came to his head. Absolutely nothing. And the more his brain scrambled for something to say, the more he drew a blank.

The thing was, it wasn’t Even _liking_ him that came as a surprise, although that in itself had come as a bit of a shock. The thing that caught Isak the most was that Even was just so willing to tell him how he felt. How honest he was. _That_ was the thing that caught Isak off guard. And it angered Isak that all he could think of was how much he’d wanted to hear those words for so long, but that they had come from Even’s lips and not Chris’.

“I should head back,” Even said finally.

“Don’t,” Isak said quickly. “Or – I don’t know. Come back to mine.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

Isak nodded quickly, not really thinking. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

 

***

 

Once they were back home, Isak took Even into his room. There was this awkward moment where they both sort of stood there, rocking on their heels, and suddenly Isak didn’t really know what he was doing.

“Spliff?” Even asked.

Isak frowned. “I thought you didn’t –“

“I’ve changed my mind,” Even said, shrugging. He pulled a joint out from his pocket and passed it to Isak. “Are we okay to smoke this in here?”

Isak nodded. “Yeah, but we should probably smoke it by the window.”

They both sat cross-legged on the floor, the window open above their heads. For a while, they just sat there. Even looked vaguely at peace, but Isak’s head was a mess.

Eventually, Even said, “So you believe in parallel universes, then.”

Isak snorted. “What?”

“What?” Even asked, grinning. “That’s what you said last week.”

Isak frowned. “Did I?”

“Well, not in those words,” Even said evenly, passing the joint back to Isak. “But you said you think that there’s another universe for every other decision we make. That's basically the same thing.”

Isak laughed and stared at the ceiling for a bit. “Don’t you ever just want to talk about the weather or something?”

“What’s interesting about the weather?” Even asked.

Isak rolled his eyes and grinned. “I don’t fucking know. You just always want to talk about the meaning of life or whatever.”

“Don’t get me started on the meaning of life,” Even warned him.

Isak’s phone buzzed.

Saturday, 20:21

 **Magnus** : isak!!! are you coming out tonight??

 

“Can I draw you?” Even asked suddenly.

Isak stared at him. “What?”

“I want to draw you,” he said, completely unashamedly. “Can I?”

“Um,” Isak began awkwardly.

“You can just sit there and do nothing,” Even told him, getting up. “You won’t even notice me doing it. Do you have any paper?”

“Uh, on my bookshelf,” Isak told him, a little embarrassed as he watched Even search through the messy piles of books and crumpled bits of paper.

Eventually, Even found a blank piece, straightened it out, and stared back at Isak. “Pencils?”

Isak reached over to his backpack and pulled out his pencil case. “Uh, here.”

Even examined it, tutted, sighed, then looked at Isak. “You’re killing me. This is the only pencil you own?"

Isak laughed. "Sorry, Picasso."

“Picasso was a painter,” was all Even said.

Even settled back opposite him, resting the paper on one of Isak’s notebook, and began sketching. Maybe Isak looked as awkward as he felt, because within a couple of minutes Even said, “Just go back to your phone. Pretend I’m not here.”

Isak did just that, but he couldn’t help his eyes flitting up to look at Even every few minutes. Even’s eyes were narrowed, his brows furrowed in concentration, and the pencil seemed to move effortlessly across the paper.

He was flicking lazily through Instagram when he came across a photo of Chris that made his heart sink. He was at a party. It was just him in the photo – he wasn’t hooking up with anyone or anything – but he was grinning widely, bottle in hand. And – fuck it – it made Isak angry. It made him angry to see Chris having a good time when Isak hadn't been able to enjoy anything properly since he'd called things off. And suddenly it was Wednesday again, and he was at Chris’ house and he was irritated and frustrated at how much Chris fucked with his head – how he’d made it impossible for Isak to even _look_ at anyone else.

And then he looked at Even. And something inside of him seemed to snap: something desperate, something lonely, and he thought that maybe if he just kissed Even again – if he felt his lips against his, if he got lost in them – then maybe the grip Chris had on him would lessen just a little. Maybe it would be that much more bearable.

Isak placed his phone down and moved forwards, taking the pencil and paper from Even’s hands and placing them on the floor. He stood up, taking Even’s hand in his, and Even just kind of looked at him, brows slightly furrowed, mouth open a little as he stood up. His blue eyes moved to Isak’s lips, and Isak swallowed hard before leaning up and kissing him.

Even responded almost immediately; he pulled Isak closer, smiling against him, arms wrapped around Isak’s waist. It felt like a long time since Isak had kissed someone like this; soft but messy and hungry. And the longer they kissed, the more Isak felt himself letting go – not just letting go of Chris, but letting go of his mother, of Lukas and school and the rest of the world – and that was what it was: Even’s lips were a sweet distraction from everything in his life.

“Wait,” Even murmured against Isak’s lips.

“What?” Isak asked, pulling Even back towards him, not wanting to think – not wanting to talk or feel or do anything but get back the brief distraction that Even had managed to give him.

“I should go,” Even said quietly, brushing Isak’s cheek. He smiled reassuringly and kissed him again. “I’ll text you, okay?”

After Even left, Isak felt the world fall back into place around him. His mother was still ill, Lukas still existed, school was still stressing him out, and he was still in love with Chris.

At least now he knew for certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay for questionable decisions driven by impulse, low self-esteem and loneliness! Haha. Hope you all enjoyed this chapter<3  
> Someone on tumblr messaged me yesterday to tell me that this fic was quoted/linked to/referenced in a Norwegian newspaper article about fanfic which is just...INSANE. and very, very scary haha. But thank you so much for all your support, the response for this fic has honestly blown my mind. I'm so grateful for all your lovely comments and just...yeah. Thank you!! <333


	17. It doesn't have to mean anything

The realisation that Isak loved Chris hadn’t really come as a shock. It felt more like someone he’d known had been following him for ages had suddenly snuck up on him. It surprised him that it had taken him this long to realise it, but the fact itself wasn’t shocking to him.

Even called on Sunday evening, but Isak didn't answer. He felt guilt twist around him whenever he thought of him, and it was something that he couldn’t shake – no matter how much he tried to rationalise himself out of it. It had been distracting at the time, and part of him yearned to have that distraction back - the other part knew it wasn't fair. Wasn't fair on Even, but wasn't fair on Isak himself, either. 

He spent the rest of Sunday cleaning, trying to distract himself from calling Chris and begging him to take Isak back.

 

***

 

 

Monday, 20:21

 

 **Even** : What are you doing on Wednesday?

 **Isak** : not sure

why?

 **Even** : I’ll meet you at your house

 **Isak** : what for?

 **Even** : An adventure

 **Isak** : haha

idk i’ll see, i have a lot of homeowrk

 **Even** : Ok. Just let me know

 **Isak** : ok

what kind of adventure?

 

 

***

 

The boys were in the canteen, chatting animatedly with one another, when Isak came over and plonked his plate of food beside them. He looked at it a little distastefully. He wasn’t that hungry.

“I don’t get why you’re still talking to her, man,” Jonas said, laughing.

Mahdi nodded. “Didn’t you say she was a psycho?”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “I mean, _yeah_ , but I think she’s going to let me fuck her soon.”

Mahdi laughed. “She’s playing you, man! She’s just getting you to buy her loads of shit, then she’ll leave you.”

“What’s going on?” Isak asked, trying to sound more interested than he was.

“You’d know if you checked the group chat,” Mahdi said. Isak rolled his eyes.

“Magnus is still hooking up with Vilde’s cousin,” Jonas explained.

Isak laughed. “What? Why?”

“Because she’s the only girl that’s interested in me!” Magnus said desperately. “And she’s kind of hot, too.”

“Kind of crazy,” Mahdi murmured.

“Well, I don’t see you getting any, Mahdi,” Magnus said.

“If I had to choose between staying celibate for the rest of my life and hooking up with her, I’d stay celibate,” he said.

“Seriously?” Magnus said. “You think she’s that bad?”

Mahdi grinned. “I’m just messing with you, man.”

“Whatever,” Magnus said, shaking his head. “My point is, she’s invited me to this party on Friday. You’re all coming, right?”

Mahdi and Jonas nodded enthusiastically, but Isak just sort of shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “I might be busy, so.”

“With what?” Magnus asked.

Isak scratched his head, trying to think of something. He ate a bit of his sandwich to give himself more time. “Uh, my mum, maybe, or – or I don’t – yeah, I just have stuff on.”

Isak could tell they were all giving each other knowing looks, but he stared pointedly at his plate.

“How’s, uh, things with Chris?” asked Jonas.

Isak scrunched his nose, ignoring the pang of sadness in his chest. “Complicated.”

“Are you hooking up again?” Magnus asked, throwing some food into his mouth.

“No,” Isak said. He paused for a moment, trying to decide whether to tell them what was going on. Fuck it. “We – uh – I kind of told him I was –“ He stopped, collecting his thoughts. “The thing is, me and his housemate have been hanging out.”

“Even?” Jonas asked.

Isak stared at him. “How do you know Even?”

“He was at the cabin,” Jonas said.

“Oh,” Isak said. “Right. Yeah, him. Um, we’ve kind of – we’ve been hanging out and uh, we’ve kissed a couple of times.” He shook his head, staring at his hands. “But I told Chris and he got pissed off about it.”

“Chris was pissed off at _you_?” Magnus asked. “What the fuck? Why?”

Isak shrugged. “I don’t fucking know. Maybe he – maybe he _does_ like me or…or I don’t know. Maybe he’s just possessive.”

“Maybe he’s both,” Mahdi said.

Isak hummed. They were all quiet for a while, then Magnus said, “But what’s Even like, then?”

“He’s nice,” Isak said, nodding. “He’s…he’s a bit weird.” He sighed and readjusted his snapback. “I don’t know. The whole things stressing me out.”

“Why?” Jonas asked.

Isak looked at his hands again. “He says he likes me but…I don’t know if I like him or not. I think – maybe I could, but I don’t really know him properly and he just…” _He’s not Chris_ , Isak thought.

“Wait,” Jonas said, turning to face Isak properly. “He likes you, right?”

“Yeah,” Isak said.

“Is he looking for a relationship?”

Isak looked at him. “Um, he hasn’t said.” He tilted his head. “He’s just come out of a six year thing and – he said it’s complicated, so, yeah. I don’t know.”

Jonas threw his hands in the air and laughed. “Then what are you worrying about?!”

“What?” Isak asked.

“Isak, you need to chill. It’s not like he’s asked to marry you. He just wants to hang out,” Jonas said, patting his arm. “It’ll be good for you, man. Take your mind off Chris for a bit. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Isak chewed his lip. “You think so?”

“Yeah,” Jonas said confidently. “Just take it easy, you know?”

“Get some new dick,” Magnus said helpfully.

Isak rolled his eyes and smiled.

“When are you next seeing him?” Jonas asked.

“He wants to meet tomorrow,” Isak said. “I don’t know if I’ll go, though.”

“Just go!” Jonas said. “Don’t stress about how you feel and just hang out. See what happens.”

"See what happens," Isak repeated quietly. "Okay." 

***

 

 

Wednesday, 13:33

 

 **Chris** : Are you and Even together now?

 **Isak** : what?

 **Chris** : Answer the question

 **Isak** : we haven’t talked about it

 **Chris** : He was at yours on Saturday night

 **Isak** : so?

grow up chris

 

***

 

He'd tried not to think about Chris for most of Wednesday, because he knew he was seeing Even, and he knew that the two didn't sit well in his mind together. But the text Chris had sent him had undone most of the progress Isak had made during the last week, and now he was thinking about him again and growing more and more irritated at the fact that he just couldn't shake him. 

Even appeared at half past nine on Wednesday evening. When Isak opened the door, Even grinned at him, eyes bright. He’d told Isak to wear something with a hood, which he had, and Even was wearing the same.

“What’s this about?” Isak asked sceptically.

Even smiled at him. “Come on,” he said, backing outside again. “I’ll tell you on the way.”

“You don’t want some food first?” Isak asked, grabbing his coat and chasing after Even.

“No time for food!” Even said, walking backwards so that he could stare at Isak. “Come on. We’re getting the tram.”

Isak shook his head, smiling. “Okay,” he said finally.

 

***

 

It was dark by the time they reached the other end of the city, and Even had been chatting distractedly about all the historical monuments they passed along the way. There was a brief moment where he talked about wanting to do a guided tour – he’d never seen the city from a tourist’s point of view before – and the only reason he decided against it was that, being 10pm on a Wednesday, there weren’t any tours on.

Once they were off the tram, they walked for another ten minutes to a more rural area of the city. Large white houses stood grandly before them, and Isak whistled as he thought about how much they must cost. He struggled to keep up with Even’s long strides; whilst Even walked seemingly casually, Isak had to jog to keep up.

“Even, what are we doing?”

“Put your hood up,” Even said, pulling his own over his head.

Isak did, a little apprehensively. “What are we _doing_ , Even?”

Even turned to him and grinned. “I haven’t told you?”

Isak shook his head. “No.”

They stopped outside one of the many houses and Even opened his bag. The orange glow of the street light illuminated Even’s face – his nose was red, lips wet, eyes glossy. He bounced on his heels.

Isak peered inside the bag and frowned. “Paint?”

“ _Spray_ paint,” Even said. “All different colours, see? Of the rainbow.”

Isak just stared at him. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Um, why?”

“There’s this lecturer at my university,” Even started, looking back at the house, sizing it up. “He said some stuff the other day I didn’t like.”

“Okay,” Isak said again. “What did he say?”

“We were talking about Shakespeare and his love affairs,” Even began, turning back to Isak now. “And I was talking about Sonnet 18, and how it was addressed to a man.” He shook his head. “My lecturer basically denied the whole thing. Or, more than that. He basically told me I was an idiot for bringing Shakespeare’s sexuality up at all. Then he went on to say that the problem with today’s LGBT youth is that they try and turn everything gay.” He shook his head, frowning. “Which is just bullshit, because a _lot_ of academics believe Shakespeare was bisexual.”

Even looked at Isak expectantly. Isak just stared back, a little confused. “Um, what does this have to do with the paint?”

Even shook one of the cans and set it on the pavement. “We’re going to spray paint a giant gay pride flag on his house,” he said, grinning.

Isak just looked at him, then at the house. “What the fuck?”

Even laughed. “You should see your face.”

“I can’t – we can’t – that’s _vandalism_ , Even,” Isak said incredulously.

“So?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows. He was crouching on the floor, now, rummaging around in his bag, pulling out the various cans of paint. “He’s a dick! His house _deserves_ to get vandalised.”

“Isn’t there a – a Head of School or something that you could talk to about it? Make a complaint?”

Even laughed, looking up at Isak, eyes glistening. “What, are you scared?”

“I’m not _scared_ ,” Isak said defensively, looking at the floor. “I just don’t want to – to get arrested or anything.”

“We won’t get arrested. He isn’t even in at the moment. He’s on holiday.”

Isak looked at him. “Even, this is stupid.”

“What’s stupid is embarrassing a student in front of the whole class just for opening up a debate about sexuality,” Even said, standing up. He looked at Isak. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

They were standing so close to each other that Isak could feel Even’s breath on his cheeks. Even was holding a can in either hand, and Isak looked up at him. When he did, he felt some of his resolve leave him.

He snatched a can and shook it. “Fuck it,” he said.

Even laughed a little breathily. They got to work; Even began by spraying a large rectangle that spanned across the man’s front door and on the walls either side. They took it in turns to fill up the colours. Somehow, Isak’s cans seemed faulty; they kept leaking all over his hands and onto his hoodie. He was also, it turns out, quite miserable at graffiti.

They had almost finished when one of the lights upstairs turned on.

“OI!” someone was shouting.

Isak felt his stomach lurch. He looked up.

The man pounded on his window angrily. “I’m calling the police!” he shouted. “Stay there! I’m calling the police!”

Even’s eyes widened and he turned to Isak. “Run,” he said.

Isak dropped the can – it sort of burst, spraying over the floor – and they sprinted through the streets. Isak struggled to keep up with Even, who kept looking behind him and telling Isak to hurry up with a grin on his face. They wove in and out of alleyways, down side streets and through all the short cuts that Even knew, until they ended up in an alley, where they stopped. They were both panting, exhausted, and then Even burst out laughing.

“Did you see his face?!” he asked.

Isak simply stared at him, unable to speak just yet. He was bent over, catching his breath.

“He looked so fucking angry!” Even continued, unable to contain himself. “Did you see him? He was fucking – I thought he was going to explode! He was so red!”

Isak straightened up. Something about Even struck him as a little weird. Something in his eyes. Isak shook his head, smiling. “Are you on something?”

Even stopped laughing, but his smile didn’t falter. “I wish.”

Isak stared at his hands, then at his jeans and his hoodie. “I’ve got fucking paint everywhere,” he said. Then, he shoved Even irritably. “I thought you said that guy wasn’t in?!”

“Would you have done it if I hadn’t of said that?” Even asked, grinning.

“I – no – that’s not the _point_ ,” Isak said desperately. Even was closer to him now, and Isak pushed him away again playfully. “Arsehole.”

“ _I’m_ an arsehole?” Even said, grinning, getting closer still.

Isak felt Even’s eyes on him, and he smiled, cheeks turning red. He placed a hand on Even's chest, playing with the string on his hoodie. He nodded. “You are.”

He felt Even’s breath against his lips, warm and comforting. It had begun to rain; drops were landing in Even’s hair, on his forehead, on his nose. Isak noticed some red paint was splattered across Even’s cheek. He smiled and brushed it with his hand, and Even closed the gap and kissed him.

He wasn’t sure how long they kissed for. Isak circled his arms around Even’s neck; Even pulled Isak closer by the waist, pressing their bodies together, and they kissed deeply and slowly until that wasn’t enough – until Isak wanted more, wanted to feel Even’s touch and feel their bodies move together.

"Is this okay?" Even asked.

Isak nodded. Because Even was beautiful, and he was kissing Isak like he wanted to be kissed, and Isak hadn’t realised how much he’d been craving touch until Even moved his hands beyond Isak’s lower back and settled there, teasingly.

Maybe Jonas was right – maybe Isak shouldn’t worry about liking Even or thinking too much about where this was going. Because Even was fun, and he was good – and maybe he _was_ just a distraction, but maybe Isak was a distraction for Even, too. And in that moment, that seemed like enough.

Which was why, when Even leant in to kiss him again, Isak kissed him back.

***

Wednesday, 23:01

 **Chris** : I'm sorry I acted like a dick

Can we talk?

I just fucking miss you ok

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the amazing comments on the last chapter! It's a little daunting with how completely split everyone seems to be on the whole Chrisak vs. Evak thing at the moment - I have to admit I've been a little doubtful about my ability to pull this story off in a way that will make both sides happy haha. I hope that regardless of who Isak ends up with, you've all enjoyed reading the story and can appreciate Isak, Even and Chris' journey throughout this. We still have a while to go until the end, but yes, just thought I'd say that now haha <3


	18. You care about me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: vomiting, assault

Isak’s phone lay charging on his bedside table, the messages from Chris unread. He had invited Even back to his place, and they’d decided to lie in bed and watch a film together. Neither of them could really concentrate on it, though. Isak was acutely aware of the way Even’s leg was pressed against his, how their bodies were so close together, how Even was tracing lazy lines up and down Isak’s thigh. Soon enough, their lips found each other again.

They started slowly, apprehensively, teasingly – but it didn’t take long before it was tongue and hair pulling and desperation; before it was clawing at t-shirts and wanting to be closer, to _feel_ closer, to one another.

Isak moved so that he was straddling Even’s hips. He ground down and felt Even moan against his lips before kissing Even’s neck, hips rocking against him. And he’d missed this – missed the feel of another body against his – and it didn’t even matter that it wasn’t Chris, because he was too overwhelmed with hunger to care.

They stayed like that – rocking against each other, moaning softly – until the friction wasn’t enough; until they were both scrambling to take their shirts off; until they were messing with the buckle on Isak’s belt and the zip on Even’s jeans.

Even pushed Isak down on the bed and looked at him with wild eyes. He grinned, kissing him, and Isak arched his back as Even’s hand reached into his boxers and began stroking him, giving Isak the relief he so desperately craved.

After Even finished, Isak was trailing kisses down his body when his phone rang. He ignored it, focusing on the warmth of Even’s skin against his lips, on the way Even was gasping as Isak teasingly hooked two fingers in the waistband of his boxers. But then it rang for a second time, and Even said, “Did you want to answer that?”

Isak sighed against Even’s hip, then reached over and grabbed his phone. He missed the call by about a second – and when he saw Chris’ messages, his heart skipped. He read them over once, then again, and again, trying to get them to sink in. _I’m sorry. I just fucking miss you_.  

It didn’t seem real.

His phone rang again, and his heart did another somersault.

“Lea?” he asked.

“Hey, Isak,” his sister said.

He couldn’t remember the last time they’d spoken on the phone. His stomach dropped, dread consuming him. “Are you okay? Is mum okay?”

“Mum’s fine,” Lea said, and Isak sighed in relief. “Are you busy?”

“No, I’m not busy,” he said, casting an apologetic look towards Even. Even simply smiled and began getting dressed. “What’s up?”

“Can we meet somewhere? I’m in city centre.”

“Uh, yeah, of course,” Isak said, reaching for his shirt. “Meet me at that night café we used to take mum to.”

“Okay,” she said.

Isak paused. “Are you okay, Lea?”

Lea was silent for a while, and all Isak could hear was the rush of traffic around her. “Just come.”

Isak glanced down at his phone, mind spinning. By the time he looked up again, Even had already left.

 

***

 

He met Lea at a small coffee shop that stayed open all hours. He didn’t recognise her at first; he hadn’t seen her in months, and even then, it had only been in passing. Her hair was bright pink, tied back in a greasy ponytail, and she was wearing thick black eyeliner. At some point in the last few months, she must’ve pierced her nose as well. She barely resembled the shy, blonde haired girl Isak had had to bring back from the many panic attacks she’d had as a child.

“Hey,” Isak said, heart pounding a little louder than usual. He sat down opposite her, and Lea pushed a coffee towards him.

“Hey,” she said.

“Um, you look – you look different,” he said.

“I’ve grown a pair of tits, you mean,” Lea said.

Isak’s eyes widened. “ _Lea_ ,” he scolded.

Lea was staring at him, her arms folded. Something in her expression softened. “Sorry,” she said eventually.

Isak stared at his coffee cup, then back at Lea. He felt a little intimidated by her gaze, and he wasn’t sure whether to apologise or to try and act normal. Eventually, he just said, “Uh, what are you doing here?”

“I come here most weeks,” Lea said casually. “My boyfriend lives here.”

“Oh,” Isak said, nodding. “Um, you have a boyfriend, then. That’s –”

“I’m pregnant,” Lea said suddenly.

Isak just stared at her. “You – you’re – _what_?”

“I’m pregnant,” Lea said again. Her eyes filled with tears.

Isak was very aware that his mouth was hanging open slightly. He closed it, swallowed, and tried to collect his thoughts. “Does your boyfriend know?”

Lea scoffed and shook her head. “You’re the first person I’ve told.”

Isak nodded. He was about to say something – he had no fucking clue what, but he needed to fill the silence – when Lea spoke again.

“I can’t tell my boyfriend. He’ll break up with me. I can’t tell mum, because the stress would kill her right now. I can’t tell dad because he’d want me to keep it, and I can’t tell my _friends_ because they’re all bitches and they’ll spread it across the whole school.” She said all this very quickly, then stared at Isak, arms still folded. “So that leaves you.”

“Okay,” Isak said, nodding, trying to look understanding. In truth, he wanted to tell her she’d been an idiot – or maybe he just wanted to hug her, he couldn’t tell. “Um, I’m glad you called.”

“I’m going to get an abortion,” she said flatly.

“Okay,” Isak said again. He nodded. “Yeah, I mean, I think that’s the right decision. You’re only fifteen and—“

“I _know_ it’s the right decision,” she told him. She stared at him, and she was looking at him like she wanted to kill him. Then, her expression softened once more. “I need you to come with me.” She sighed. “I _want_ you to come with me.”

Isak nodded. “We’ll book an appointment—“

“It’s already booked for Monday,” she said. “You’ll have to skip school. Can you do that for me?”

“Of course,” Isak said.

Lea bounced her leg and stared at the ceiling. She nodded, tears welling in her eyes again, then sniffed and got up. “Okay. I’ll text you.”

“Um, don’t you want to finish your—“

“You finish it,” Lea said, and she grabbed her bag, slung it over her shoulder, and left.

 

 

***

 

Isak wasn’t able to do much for the next couple of days. His head was filled with Lea and Chris and Even and his mum, and it was all he could do to just attend class and pretend to listen. He’d wanted to talk to Chris – God, he’d wanted to – but every time he went to type a reply, his mind drew a blank. Because he didn’t know what to say. _I miss you too._ That much was true. _Let’s talk._ Okay, but then what? What would they talk about? Would they just end up arguing again? And what happened to the Chris who would just turn up to Isak’s house whenever Isak ignored him for too long?

Then there was Even. That just fucked with his head even more.

Friday evening rolled around, and Isak was actually excited at the prospect of getting drunk with the boys. It would be a welcome distraction from everything that was going on in his life.

They ended up pre-drinking at Jonas’ because Isak had forgotten to check with the Kollektiv beforehand. It turned out that Noora had asked to have the house to herself for the evening so that her and William could have a date night. When Isak had asked why they couldn’t have their date night at William’s house, he got his head bitten off. In the end, he decided it was easier not to argue.

“I’m telling you, man, this party is going to be lit,” Magnus was saying. “University parties are fucking insane.”

“You’ve been to – what – two?” Mahdi asked.

“Three,” Magnus corrected him. “Which is three more than _you_.”

“I can’t believe that out of the four of us, you two losers are the ones who ended up dating university students,” Mahdi said, shaking his head.

Isak rolled his eyes and smiled half-heartedly. “I’m not dating anyone,” he said.

 

***

 

It was only 23:00 when they arrived at the party, but it was the furthest thing from quiet. The small student house was rammed full with people, talking and drinking and laughing, and they walked past several people already stumbling home on their way there.

They were forced to wait at the door whilst Magnus got his girlfriend – yes, they were official now – to grant them entry.

Eva greeted them when they got inside. It was ridiculously hot – Isak regretted wearing a jumper – and everyone looked a hell of a lot older than the four of them.

Eva gave them all hugs when they approached her, telling them all how much she loved them. Jonas rolled his eyes.

“Isak!” Eva whispered, grinning, swaying on the spot. “I need to tell you something.”

“Okay,” Isak said, smirking.

“Chris is here,” Eva said. She pointed in what she must have thought was a very subtle manor, but it was anything but.

Sure enough, Chris was standing in the centre of the room with a group of friends. His hair was slicked back, and he was smiling and nodding at whatever they were saying. It shouldn’t have done, but it made Isak a little happy to see that Chris didn’t look like he was having the best time. And then Chris’ eyes panned the room, and they locked onto Isak’s, and Chris’ smile fell somewhat. Isak just sort of stared before realising what he was doing and looking away quickly.

“Did you want to talk to him?” Eva asked. “We could go over now, if you like.”

“No,” Isak said. “I mean, yeah, I want to talk to him. But – but not right now.” He shook his head. “Not here.”

“Okay,” Eva said. “Oh! Also” – she leant closer to Isak, breath smelling of the wine that had stained her teeth red – “Lukas is here.”

Isak swallowed hard, feeling his blood run cold. “Okay,” he said. “Uh, thanks for letting me know.”

 

***

 

The thing about Lukas being at the party made it almost impossible for Isak to enjoy his time there. He tried to get into the spirit of things – tried to join in with the drinking games, tried to chat to the friendly strangers who attempted conversations with him – but ultimately, he ended up sitting on one of the sofas, staring at his beer, wishing he was somewhere else and hoping to God he didn’t run into Lukas.

 

***

 

When Isak saw Chris again, he was furious.

Because someone was leaning over Chris, whispering things into his ear seductively, hands settled on Chris’ hips. And Chris _knew_ Isak was here. Had seen him, had locked eyes with him, and yet he hadn’t made any attempt to talk to him. Sure, Isak hadn’t exactly made attempts to talk to Chris either – in fact, he’d been ignoring Chris’ texts – but he didn’t feel that excused what Chris was doing.

But then Chris – who had had so much to drink that he couldn’t even keep his head up anymore – shoved the boy away, frowning.

The boy just leant back in and tried to kiss Chris’ neck. Chris shrank away, shoved the boy again, and Isak moved closer, heart pounding in his ears. After the third shove, the boy let go of Chris completely, and Chris slid to the floor, his back against the wall, head lolling to the side.

When the boy went to pursue Chris yet again, Isak felt something in him snap, and he rushed forward and pulled the boy away.

“What the fuck?” the boy said.

“Get off him,” Isak said. His voice faltered a little. He hadn’t realised quite how big this boy – _man_ – was.

“Get the fuck out of here,” the man said, rolling his eyes.

“He’s not interested,” Isak said, and when the man leant down to touch Chris, Isak grabbed his arm.

He hoped he looked braver than he felt.

“Of course he is,” the man said. “Chris fucks anything, don’t you, Chris?”

“Don’t be a creep, Andreas,” said a girl standing next to them. “Go find someone else to stick your dick in.”

Andreas rolled his eyes and muttered a disgruntled “Whatever”.

Isak watched him leave, trying to calm his breathing a little. He leant down so that he was on Chris’ level. He put his fingers on Chris’ chin, tilting his head up a little, trying to gage what kind of state Chris was in. He didn’t even seem to really acknowledge that it was Isak who was in front of him.

“Jesus,” Isak muttered. He looked up to the girl. “Do you know how much he’s had?”

She shrugged. “He was doing a lot of shots earlier, I don’t know. I don’t know him that well.”

Isak slapped Chris’ cheek gently. “Chris,” he said. Slapped harder. “Chris?”

Chris just kind of grunted in response.

“What’s going on?” Jonas asked.

Isak looked up at him, coming to a decision before he really knew what he was doing. “I’m taking him home,” he said.

“What? Why?” Jonas asked.

“Look at him!” Isak said.

“Yeah, he’s wasted,” Jonas said. “So?”

“So,” Isak said irritably, standing and turning to face Jonas, “He can’t stay here, he’ll get fucking assaulted.”

Magnus walked over, girlfriend in arm. “What’s up?” he asked, swaying slightly, red lipstick smudged over his lips.

“I’m taking Chris home,” Isak said, trying to pull Chris up. It was almost impossible, but Magnus leant in and offered a hand. Between the two of them, they managed to get Chris into a standing position; Magnus moved Chris’ arm so that it hung over Isak’s shoulder, and Isak gripped Chris’ waist, propping him up.

Jonas placed a hand on Isak’s chest to stop him from leaving. “He isn’t your responsibility, Isak,” he said quietly, scanning Chris up and down.

“He’d do the same for me,” Isak mumbled.

“Would he?” Jonas asked.

Isak scowled at him. “Yes.”

 

***

 

The taxi ride home was a fucking nightmare – the driver ended up ditching them half a mile away from Chris’ house because Chris had vomited in the car. Which left them taking an agonisingly slow walk home, where they had to take frequent stops to allow Chris time to puke. The only positive was that somewhere between the taxi ride and the walk, Chris had sobered up slightly. He still needed an arm around his waist to stop him from toppling over, but he was able to put one foot in front of the other – Isak no longer needed to drag him through every step.

Isak was drenched in sweat by the time they got home, despite the fact it was freezing outside. He was panting, exhausted, and he just kind of threw Chris onto his bed. Which had been a huge fucking mistake, because Chris started puking again.

“Fucking hell, Chris,” Isak muttered irritably. He grabbed Chris’ arm and pulled him up, guiding him to the bathroom, and as he did, Chris looked at him properly for the first time since the party. Isak could see, through the haze of alcohol clouding Chris’ eyes, a vague kind of recognition settling in. He felt himself smile. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Chris croaked.

Once Chris finished throwing up – in the toilet, thank God – Isak peeled Chris’ vomit-stained clothes off him. Chris just kind of let him, putting his arms up when Isak asked him to, and then Isak guided him into the shower and washed some of the sick out of his hair. It wasn’t really the way Isak had imagined he would get to see Chris naked again – it was the furthest thing from sexy – but as Chris sat in the bath, head resting between Isak’s legs as Isak scrubbed Chris’ scalp, he felt strangely at peace. An irritable, imperfect kind of peace, but a peace nonetheless.

And then Isak noticed something. He hadn’t seen it at first – probably because he was too busy trying to keep Chris from smacking his head on the floor – but there were bruises, blue and dark, across Chris’ ribs again. They were in almost the exact same spot as the ones he’d seen at the cabin, but there was no way they could be the same ones. They were too new.

He skated his hand gently over them and felt an impossible kind of sadness wash over him. He couldn’t explain it, really, but he just had this dark feeling worming his way throughout his body. Something about the bruises just didn’t feel right.

Then Chris was vomiting again, and his attention snapped back to the moment.

 

***

 

Once everything settled down, they got into bed. Isak threw on one of Chris’ hoodies – he had forgotten how good they smelt – and he tried to get Chris to put something on, too, but it was almost impossible. In the end, he just made Chris wear a pair of boxers, then settled down in bed beside him.

He had never felt particularly protective over Chris. That wasn’t really how their relationship worked. But seeing Chris tonight had changed something – Isak wasn’t sure _what_ – but things felt…different, somehow. He reached out and placed a hand on Chris’ cheek, stroking the skin there. And he realised, like he always did whenever he saw Chris after an extended period of time away from him, just how much he’d missed him. Just how much he only ever felt like this with Chris. How no matter who he kissed or who he spoke to, it was Chris he wanted to be with. It was always Chris.

“That tickles,” Chris grunted. His eyes were still closed, eyelashes dark and thick, casting shadows onto his cheeks.

“Sorry,” Isak said, pulling his hand away.

Chris just grabbed Isak’s hand clumsily and put it back where it was. “I didn’t say stop,” he told him, speech slurred.

Isak smirked, and Chris did, too; went to laugh, but broke into a coughing fit instead.

“You need to quit smoking,” Isak told him.

Chris was quiet for a long time. “Mm.”

“It fucks with your chest,” Isak continued, although he knew Chris wasn’t really listening – had already gone back to sleep, by the looks of it. “I don’t know why you started it up again.”

After a while, just as Isak was thinking of going to sleep, Chris grinned, although his eyes were still closed.

Isak smiled. “What?” he asked.

“I knew it,” Chris murmured.

“Knew what?”

“You still care,” he said.

Isak said nothing.

“You _care_ about me,” Chris chimed teasingly.

“I didn’t think it was possible, but you’re a bigger arsehole drunk than you are sober,” Isak said.

“You _love_ me, pretty boy,” Chris continued.

More silence. Isak felt his heart beating loud in his chest. He knew it was stupid, because Chris was wasted; he didn’t know what he was saying, probably wouldn’t even remember this conversation in the morning – but Isak was clinging onto his words regardless.

“But it’s okay,” Chris said finally, suddenly serious, and he actually lifted his eyes open a little before they fell shut again and he nestled into his pillow. “Because I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank youuuuu to all the lovely, lovely people who left such comforting comments about the direction of the story last night. It made me feel so much better. :) I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Also, 800 kudos!! WHAT THE WHAT. ausfjsf thank you all <333


	19. It's not a big deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of abuse

It was still dark when Isak woke up.

The first thing he was aware of as he came around was the feeling of Chris’ body next to his. He could tell by the rhythm and depth of Chris’ breathing that he hadn’t woken up yet – that he was still asleep.

The second thing Isak became aware of was the memory of last night, which muddled its way back into his mind slowly and in fragments. Maybe he hadn’t been as sober as he thought he’d been, because his recollection of events was a little hazy and he had a dull ache in his temples.

One thing, he remembered explicitly: Chris had told him that he loved him.

He smiled stupidly to himself. Turned to face Chris, whose mouth was slightly open as he snored softly. He looked younger when he was sleeping. Isak took him in; took in the love bites, still just about visible on his neck; took in the way his chest was rising and falling, the way his skin was frayed around the fingernails on the hand that had settled by Isak’s pillow.

He reached over and brushed some of the hair away from Chris’ eyes, and the touch was apparently enough to rouse Chris.

“Sorry,” Isak whispered.

And suddenly, he wasn’t smiling. He was nervous. Because Chris had made him so happy with what he’d said, and Isak knew he had been drunk, but it had been everything he’d wanted to hear. And – well – he just didn’t trust Chris not to tell him it had all been drunken bullshit.

Chris swallowed, frowning. He blinked a few times. “Hey,” he croaked.

“Hi,” Isak said quietly.

Chris scanned Isak’s body a little apprehensively before settling back to his eyes. “Did we--?”

Isak shook his head.

Chris nodded. They fell into silence, and Chris rolled onto his back. Stared up at the ceiling; rubbed his eyes, pressed a hand against his forehead. Isak just looked at him. He had a thousand questions burning through him, but all of them seemed to dissolve at that moment.

“Were you at the party last night?” Chris asked, still looking at the ceiling.

Isak nodded. He swallowed hard. “How much do you remember?”

“Not a lot,” Chris said, running a hand through his tangled hair. He looked at Isak. “Did I do anything stupid?”

Isak felt his heart sink a little, but he shook his head. “No,” he said. “Or…I don’t know. I didn’t see. You were just really drunk.”

“Mm,” Chris said, and he looked at Isak again, eyes wide and dark. He bit his lip. “How’d you get here?”

Isak laughed a little. For some bizarre reason, he felt embarrassed. ‘Uh, there was this guy. He was trying to hit on you.”

Chris raised his eyebrows and grinned. “Were you jealous?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “No.” His voice came out a little quieter than he’d intended, and although Chris was still grinning, Isak wasn’t anymore. “He, uh. I don’t know. He was all over you, but you were barely conscious, so.”

Chris’ smile fell a little and he pressed his lips together. “So you took me home?”

Isak nodded. Chris just looked at him, chewing his lip, and he let out this quiet, breathy sort of laugh. “Thanks.”

“Well, you would’ve done the same for me, so,” Isak mumbled, staring at his chest. He stole a glance at Chris, who was just watching him, and Isak felt his cheeks burn. He laughed, then slapped Chris’ chest. “You got us chucked out of the taxi.”

Chris raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?” he asked, grinning.

“Yeah,” Isak said, smiling. “You threw up everywhere.”

Chris laughed, rubbing his head. “Fuck. I think I remember that, actually.”

It was only then that Isak realised his hand was still on Chris’ chest, resting there against the body he knew so well. The two of them fell silent, and Isak traced his fingers up towards Chris’ neck, his jaw, his cheek, then behind Chris’ ear, where he settled.

Isak chewed his lip. “Do you remember anything else?”

Chris looked at him for a while, mouth open a little. A million words hung between the two of them, completely unspoken, but something about the way Chris looked made Isak realise something.

Maybe Chris wasn’t ready. Maybe the _I love yous_ could only come from the empty end of a vodka bottle. And maybe that was okay for now. Maybe simply knowing how Chris felt was enough for Isak, at least for the moment. Because he _knew_ Chris – knew he wouldn’t joke about something like love.

Maybe he didn’t need to hear Chris say it sober. Not yet, anyway.

Chris’ phone rang, causing them both to jump. And as Chris went to look at it, the duvet slid down some, and Isak was reminded of the bruises littered across his ribs. He wanted to ask about them, but he wasn’t really sure what to say.

“Who is it?” Isak asked, when all Chris had done was stare at his phone irritably.

“My dad,” Chris said, just kind of letting it ring. He sighed. “ _Fuck_. I said I’d meet him half an hour ago.”

Isak felt something in him deflate. “Oh.”

Chris looked Isak up and down, chewing his lip. “Do you have any plans today?”

Isak shook his head. Chris nodded, apparently coming to a decision. “Okay. Fuck him, then.”

Isak looked at him, eyebrow raised. “Hm?”

Chris rejected the call and switched his phone off, slamming it facedown on the bedside table. He got back under the duvet, settling close to Isak.

“Let’s stay here all day,” Chris said, pulling Isak’s hand and placing it behind his ear, where Isak had left it before Chris’ dad rang.

“Okay,” Isak said quietly.

 

***

 

They fell back asleep pretty quickly after that, foreheads close together. At some point Isak must have turned over because when he woke up to grab a drink, Chris had an arm laced around Isak’s waist, chest against Isak’s back, lips resting against the nape of Isak’s neck. And it felt like torture to get up; to leave the comfort of Chris’ warm bed, to leave the comfort of Chris’ body pressed against his own.

When he got to the kitchen, he was suddenly aware that Even could be there. He hadn’t really given him much thought since he’d seen Chris’ texts; since he’d seen Lea. Part of him felt guilty – the other part told him that it wasn’t as though Even had tried to contact him, either. _Even_ was the one who’d left without saying goodbye.

Regardless, Isak didn’t run into him. He poured himself a drink, grabbed enough painkillers for him and Chris, and went back to bed where he pulled Chris’ arm back over him.

 

***

 

Isak woke up to the smell of cigarette smoke. He moaned, pressing his head into the pillow, then opened his eyes. Chris was sat in bed smoking, knees propped up, now wearing a hoodie.

“Should you be smoking in here?”

Chris grinned, cigarette between his teeth. “Afternoon.”

“Mm,” Isak mumbled, rubbing his eyes. His stomach rumbled. “Have you eaten?”

Chris shook his head, blowing some smoke away out of the corner of his lips. “Nah. I’m not hungry.”

“You should eat something,” Isak said, because Chris didn’t look like he’d eaten a decent meal in weeks. “It’ll help with the hangover.” He sat up, stretched, and pushed the covers off him. “Come on. I’ll make lunch.”

“Are you going to cook for me, pretty boy?” Chris grinned, and Isak rolled his eyes.

“I told you not to call me that,” he mumbled, but there wasn’t any venom behind it.

Chris laughed, then nodded a little, stubbing out his cigarette in the ashtray on his bedside table. “I forgot.”

They made their way into the kitchen, and Chris busied himself making coffees whilst Isak raided his fridge. It turned out that Chris had barely any food in, so they had to steal some bacon and eggs belonging to Chris’ other housemate, Hanna.

Once the coffees were made, Chris sat on the kitchen counter and watched as Isak pretended to know what he was doing with the frying pan. In truth, he was a shit cook. He was pretty sure Chris knew that too – in fact, he _definitely_ did – and Isak could tell Chris was judging him every time he had to reach in and fish out more eggshell.

“How’s, uh, things at home?” Isak asked, turning the heat on the stove down a little. He looked at Chris, who was just watching him, swinging his legs from the counter.

He shrugged. “Same as always. Dad’s still a dick, mum’s still falling for it. How’s stuff at yours?”

Isak sighed. “My sister called.”

Chris’ eyes widened. “No shit. Lea?”

Isak nodded. “She’s pregnant,” he said, and hadn’t anticipated how good it would feel to actually tell someone else about it. “She, uh, wants me to go to the abortion clinic with her on Monday.”

“Are you going to go?”

Isak shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, she has no one else, so.”

Chris nodded. “Fair enough.” He was staring at his knees, playing with the sleeves on his hoodie. They were quiet for a while, and Isak had returned to the cooking when Chris spoke again. “I’m, uh, glad you’re here.”

Isak stopped stirring and looked at Chris, who was staring pointedly at his feet, mouth open a little, cheeks red.

“I meant what I said the other day,” Chris continued, frowning. “You know, that I missed you or whatever.”

Isak looked at Chris, whose eyes had still not met Isak’s. He looked like he was anticipating getting punched in the stomach. And Isak just dropped what he was holding and moved so that he was standing between Chris’ legs; Chris looked up, and as he did, Isak caught his lips with his own and kissed him.

And it had been inevitable, hadn’t it? Isak’s hands were around Chris’ middle, pulling him closer as Chris’ hands settled on Isak’s shoulders, squeezing softly. Isak breathed into the kiss, into the taste of Chris, and he wanted nothing more than to stay in that kitchen forever, uninterrupted, with no questions or bruises or broken hearts.

Isak pulled away to catch his breath, and Chris chased the kiss before laughing a little.

“What was that for?” he asked.

Isak swallowed and shrugged, shaking his head some. “I missed you too.”

They kissed for a little while longer until the food began to burn and the smoke alarm went off. Hanna had come out of her room, furious – partly because she was trying to work, but also because she noticed quite quickly that the food burnt on the hob was her own – but neither of them really cared. Which just made her more angry – especially when Chris began kissing Isak’s neck as Isak attempted to apologise to her.

 

***

 

Isak insisted on saving what little food was salvageable and taking it to Chris’ room. Chris could not have been less interested in eating; when Isak offered him a plate, Chris pushed it aside and leant in to kiss Isak instead. Isak sort of melted into it; Chris lay him back on the bed, pushing Isak’s legs open and positioning his body between them. Isak was going to relent and give Chris what he wanted – what they _both_ wanted – until his hands roamed under Chris’ hoodie and he felt how Chris’ ribs were just that little bit more prominent than they used to be.

“Food,” Isak murmured against Chris’ mouth, reaching a feeble arm out to try and grab a plate.

“Later,” Chris insisted, grabbing Isak’s hands and pinning them above his head.

Isak wriggled free and pushed himself up, placing a quick kiss to Chris’ lips. “Now.”

Chris sighed, rolling his eyes, and got off. He grinned. “Tease.”

After they finished eating, they both felt a little sick. Isak blamed the hangover – not the fact they had eaten what was basically charcoaled eggs – but whatever it was, neither of them really felt like resuming where they’d left off earlier. Instead, they crawled back into bed and watched shitty daytime TV shows. And it was nice just to _be_ with Chris, to hear him laughing at whatever programmes they were watching – Isak felt himself laughing, too, even though Chris had the worst sense of humour out of anyone he knew – but it felt even better when Chris laughed at something _Isak_ had said.

 

***

 

After the painkillers and copious glasses of water had failed to do much to get rid of the thumping headaches they both had, Isak suggested they had a bath. It had taken some persuading to get Chris to agree – he didn’t see why they couldn’t just stay in bed – but eventually, he relented.

He stayed unusually quiet as Isak turned the taps on and got undressed. When Isak turned around, Chris was just sort of looking at him, still fully clothed. Isak didn’t say anything. He just stepped towards Chris and tugged gently at the hem of his hoodie, pulling it up a little.

“You know I showered you last night, right?” Isak asked.

Chris looked at him. “Hm?”

“Did you think the vomit washed _itself_ out of your hair, or?” Isak asked, smiling. He didn’t want to corner Chris – to scare him – but Isak was burning with a curious worry that made him want to know who had hurt Chris. “Who did it?”

Chris’ face split into a grin. “Who did what?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “I saw the bruises, Chris. Someone beat the shit out of you.”

Chris laughed and pulled his hoodie over his head. “No one _beat the shit out of me_ ,” he said, unbuckling his belt.

Isak just looked at him. “No?”

“No,” Chris scoffed, looking at Isak incredulously. “I fell down the stairs, that’s all.”

“But…” Isak paused, not sure how much he could press Chris about this. The fact he was blatantly lying made Isak even more worried, though. He shook his head. “But if you fell down the stairs, you’d have bruises _everywhere_ , surely.”

“What, are you a doctor now?” Chris asked, smirking.

“Was it your dad?” Isak blurted out. He wasn’t sure where he’d drawn the conclusion from; it seemed to come to him as he spoke.

Chris looked like someone had slapped him; then, something in him kind of shifted. Like some sort of weight had fallen on him – or maybe it had been taken off him, Isak couldn’t really tell.

“Don’t make me lie to you,” Chris said.

“So it was?” Isak asked desperately. “Your dad did that? Did he give you the ones you had at the cabin, too?”

Chris stepped into the bath and sat down. He didn’t look at Isak. “It’s not a big deal.”

“It –“ Isak stopped. Tried to level out his voice. “They just look painful, that’s all.”

Chris shrugged. “They look worse than they are.”

Isak frowned. “How long—“

“I don’t want you looking at me like I’m some kind of child abuse case,” Chris said suddenly. “I mean, it’s not like he just beats us for the hell of it. You have to piss him off.” He glanced up at Isak, and he looked impossibly small. Almost ashamed. It was something that was completely foreign on Chris; like a strange piece in a jigsaw puzzle that didn’t belong there.

Isak shook his head. “You can’t blame—”

“Can we not do this right now?” Chris said. “Get in the bath. My head’s fucking killing me.”

Isak paused, swallowed, then nodded. “Okay,” he said, and he climbed into the bath and sat opposite Chris.

He felt the same kind of impossible sadness he’d felt when he saw the bruises last night, but this time, he felt an indescribable anger, too.

They sat in the bath for a long time, and it was just the sound of the dripping tap and the water sloshing as they moved to clean their bodies. And Isak wanted to ask questions – had a million burning through him – but Chris was looking at the water and his knees were pulled to his chest and Isak knew that it wasn’t the right time. That it would have to wait.

So instead, he kicked some water at Chris’ face. And Chris flinched, grinned, and it made Isak smile, too; and Chris splashed Isak back, and before they knew it they were kind of wrestling each other, laughing until they weren’t; until suddenly they were kissing, and it was messy and playful to start with, but then it grew slower – gentler.

“Don’t go home,” Chris told him, mouth still against Isak’s, hand on Isak's chin, making their eyes meet.

Isak kissed Chris again, quick and soft.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of much-needed TLC and time out for the boys in this chapter. Lots of things left unspoken, and that's done on purpose haha (as is the notable absence of Even here)  
> Thank you so much for the comments on the last chapter!  
> This chapter was suspiciously fluffy. Don't get used to it ;) <3  
> P.S. I have a few assignments due at uni this week, so if the updates are a little less regular, that's why! I'll still try and keep you guys updated as much as I can, but yeah, I'll be busy studying chimpanzees and crying over exams haha <3


	20. He was at mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: homophobic slurs  
> Read chapter 19 before you read this one. Someone messaged on tumblr again last night saying they'd had issues accessing it (a similar thing happened with chapter 8 before). I don't know why this is, I'm sorry :(

Saturday, 23:58

 

 **Lea** : meet me at 10am monday

 **Isak** : at the clinic?

 **Lea** : ye

 **Isak** : i’ll be there

how are you feeling about it?

 **Lea** : fine

 **Isak** : are you sure?

 **Lea** : just don’t let me down

 **Isak** : i won’t

 

***

 

Chris and Isak stayed in bed for most of Sunday morning, making out lazily. Isak had his hands threaded in Chris’ hair, tugging gently to tilt Chris’ head up so he could kiss him deeper. They stayed like that for a while; slow, lingering kisses, tongues brushing against each other’s, eyes closed. Soon, though, Isak found himself pulling Chris against him, yearning for more.

Chris rolled on top of Isak; continued kissing him, more hungrily now, pushing Isak’s hoodie up towards the top of his chest, placing a leg between Isak’s thighs.

“I want you,” Isak murmured against Chris’ lips.

“Yeah?” Chris asked, rolling his hips, and the friction was enough to make Isak gasp; gasp at the feel of Chris, hard against him, body close, but it wasn’t enough.

“Yeah,” Isak moaned.

Chris kissed Isak again, briefly, before pulling his hoodie over his head and throwing it to the side. Isak pushed Chris’ hair out from his eyes, away from his forehead, and pulled him back in for another kiss, and they stayed like that for a while until it grew too much, until Isak felt like he wouldn’t last much longer – until he felt like the simple feel of Chris grinding against him was enough to make him lose it.

“ _Chris_ ,” Isak whimpered, and he would’ve been embarrassed at how desperate he sounded if it didn’t make Chris moan against him.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Chris breathed, grinning against Isak’s mouth. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re needy.”

“Needy?” Isak asked, raising his eyebrows.

Chris pulled away a little, just enough to look at Isak properly through his hooded eyes. He nodded. Brushed his fingers through Isak’s hair. “Yeah.”

Isak laughed. “You want to hear me beg? Is that it?”

“Mm,” Chris hummed. He leant back in. Kissed Isak slowly. “Could be hot.”

He placed his fingers at the waistband of Isak’s boxers teasingly, moving to kiss Isak’s neck. Sucked the sensitive skin there until Isak was left breathless beneath him, until Chris pulled back and looked at Isak, biting his lip, reaching a hand under Isak’s boxers.

“Chris,” Isak said again. “ _Please_.”

 

***

 

Sunday, 11:54

 

 **Eskild:** MISSING: 18 year old boy, blonde hair, grumpy, goes by the name Isak Valtersen. Last seen Friday afternoon. Smells bad and grunts a lot. Free McDonald’s voucher for anyone who has any information on his whereabouts.

 **Noora:** I told you he’s at Chris’ house

 **Eskild** : I know but I want to hear Isak confess his sins himself

 **Isak** : what sins

 **Eskild** : He speaks!

 **Eskild** : Are you okay? Do you need us to come and collect you?

 **Isak** : why would i need you to collect me

 **Eskild** : Chris could be holding you hostage or something, I don’t know.

 **Eskild** : So are you two back together now?

 **Eskild** : Have you talked? What did he have to say for himself?

 **Noora** : Leave him alone, Eskild

 **Eskild** : Isak?

 **Eskild** : Helloooo?????

 **Eskild** : Anyone??

 **Eskild** : I can see you’ve all read the messages

 **Eskild** : Wow

 

 

***

 

“Cheese or bacon?”

“Whatever you want.”

“I’ve chosen mine, Chris. This one’s yours.”

Chris was standing behind Isak, hands on Isak’s hips, placing kisses against Isak’s neck. Which was great, except they were at the supermarket and people were _looking_. Chris’ kisses were soft and close-mouthed and not overtly sexual, but Isak still had to try desperately not to get turned on.

And Chris _knew_ what he was doing, the bastard.

“Chris,” Isak said again, wriggling his shoulders and kind of pushing Chris off him a little. He held up the two sandwiches. “Which one do you want?”

Chris sighed against Isak’s neck. “Whichever.”

“Okay,” Isak said, a little exasperatedly, “We’ll buy both, then.”

“No, don’t,” Chris said, leaning over Isak and pulling one of the sandwiches out of the basket. “I hate cheese.”

Isak let out a bark of laughter and turned, hitting Chris playfully. “Your favourite food is pizza.”

“I hate cheese _sandwiches_ , then,” said Chris, grinning.

Isak rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

A familiar voice made Isak’s blood run cold.

“Look at _this_!” said Lukas.

Lukas and Emma walked towards them holding hands. Lukas was looking at them both a little disbelievingly, grinning widely. Isak felt himself shrink; felt his cheeks turn red and his heart beat faster in his chest.

“Are you two official now?” Lukas asked, laughing.  “Are you a full-blown fag now, Chris?”

“ _Lukas_ ,” Emma hissed, tugging his sleeve, casting an apologetic look towards Isak and Chris.

“Come on, they know I’m kidding,” said Lukas. “Don’t you, boys? Still” – he wrinkled his nose – “up the _arse_ , though. Just thinking about that makes my fucking eyes water.” He grinned. “Which one of you takes it, then?”

Isak shifted his eyes to Chris, who was just staring at Lukas venomously, breathing heavy.

“Can we just go?” Emma asked desperately.

“My bets on the blonde, but I don’t know, Chris, you’ve proven yourself to be a bit of a pussy recently,” Lukas continued.

“Please, Lukas!” Emma said quickly.

“Okay, okay,” Lukas said, staring at them both. He shook his head a little, laughing. “Fucking hell.”

Emma guided him away, looking close to tears. As they walked away, Lukas pushed past Isak forcefully, smacking into his shoulder.

And that was it – one second, Chris was at Isak’s side, and the next he was running up to Lukas and shoved him, hard. Lukas fell face-first onto the floor with a smack. Some of the surrounding customers shrieked, and Isak grabbed Chris’ sleeve, tugging him back.

“ _Chris_ ,” he said urgently.

Lukas was up within seconds; charged towards Chris and swung his fist at him, but Emma threw herself between them. Isak tugged Chris further back until suddenly someone else was on Chris – Isak’s heart sank miserably, wondering if Lukas’ friends were there, too, but he soon realised it was just security.

“I’ll fucking kill you,” Lukas said as a security guard dove between them. “You’re fucking dead, I’ll break your legs – I’ll fucking –”

Security were dragging Chris towards the exit. He was still fighting them a little, cheeks red, trying to wriggle free. As they dragged him away, Chris spat at Lukas’ feet.

 

***

 

Miraculously, Isak was able to persuade security not to contact the police over the incident. It was helped largely by the fact that Lukas didn’t want the police involved either – it would affect his chances of getting back into university next year – but also, Isak had learnt from Eskild that once someone was accused of being homophobic, people were very quick to try and hush the whole situation up.

They were back at Chris’ a couple of hours later – they had to grab food from another supermarket – and they were clearing away lunch when Isak said, “Why are you friends with Lukas, anyway?”

Chris looked at him. “I don’t know,” he said. Then he shook his head. “I mean, our dads were friends. We’ve known each other since we were five.” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed irritably. “He wasn’t always such a fucking arsehole.”

“Why _is_ he such a dick?” Isak asked, leaning back on the kitchen counter.

Chris shrugged, closed the dishwasher and stood up. “Who cares? Fuck him. We’re not friends anymore, anyway.”

“No?” Isak asked.

Chris scoffed and rolled his eyes. “No.” When Isak said nothing – just stared at Chris – Chris raised his eyebrows and grinned. “You don’t have to look so fucking happy about it.”

Isak shook his head and laughed. “I’m not.”

“No?” Chris asked, moving towards Isak. He settled close to him, pressed his body against Isak’s, and skated a hand against Isak’s smile. “What’s this about, then?”

 “Shut up,” Isak muttered, and Chris leant in and kissed him.

Just then, Hanna burst into the kitchen. Her dark hair was scraped into a messy bun and she was wearing a hoodie over her sports bra. She stopped when she saw them and sighed.

“You have a bedroom, you know,” she said irritably. “This is where people _eat_.”

Chris sighed against Isak’s mouth. “Ignore her,” he mumbled, moving his hands to rest at Isak’s hips.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you, anyway,” Hanna continued, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. “Have you seen Even recently?”

Isak felt himself freeze a little. They hadn’t really talked about Even – in fact, they hadn’t talked about him at all. He felt his cheeks go red. Chris moved away from Isak and pushed himself up on the counter.

“No,” Chris said. “Why?”

“He hasn’t been home recently,” Hanna said, frowning. She shook her head. “I had to clear out a load of his mouldy food from the fridge the other day. I tried going into his room, but the door's locked. Has he texted you or anything?”

Chris shook his head.

“Nothing?” Hanna asked, a little desperately.

Isak felt a pang of concern spread through him.

Hanna sighed. “Something just doesn’t _feel_ right. I mean, he’s always out wandering alone at night. You don’t think he’s been – been assaulted or something, do you? Someone hasn’t picked him up or…?”

“He’s a 21-year-old man,” Chris said, rolling his eyes. “Who’s going to try something with him?”

“There are all sorts of creeps out there!” Hanna said.  “And he’s not exactly…I mean, you must’ve noticed he’s been acting a little _strange_ recently.”

Chris shrugged. “We don’t really talk.” He cast a glance at Isak, who in turn stared pointedly at the floor.

“When did you last see him?” Hanna asked.

Chris chewed his lip. “Monday, maybe?”

She nodded. “Same here.”

Isak squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to disappear. “I, uh, saw him on Wednesday.” He didn’t want to look at Chris as he said it, but he could feel his eyes on him regardless. “He was at mine. He left at, like, I don’t know. Midnight or something.”

“That’s four days he’s been gone,” Hanna said.

“He’s probably just at a friend’s,” Isak said dismissively.

“I don’t think he has any,” Hanna said quietly.

“He has an ex,” Isak said. “I think he’s still in contact with her.”

“Okay, yeah,” Hanna said, nodding. “Yeah, I think I’ve seen her before. Does anyone know her name? Or how we can get a hold of her?”

Both Isak and Chris shook their heads. Isak felt the guilt that had been worming its way through his body over the last few weeks rising up again, threatening to consume him.

He was a piece of shit.

“Nobody knows where he might be? What he could be doing?” She stared between them a little helplessly. “Nobody has any idea at all?”

“No,” Isak said. “No idea at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said I'd be updating less regularly but...yeah. Blame Zoe for this. :)  
> Thank you so much for all the support!!! <333333


	21. She's coming over today

Monday, 02:43AM

To: Even

 **Isak** : hey

just wanted to say sorry about wednesday

my sister called. things with her are kind of complicated

but i didn’t mean to ignore you

hope you’re ok

hanna is worried about you

so yea just text me when you feel like it

 

***

 

Isak was still awake.

It wasn’t exactly a surprising turn of events for him. In fact, whenever anything remotely stressful was going on in Isak’s life, he found it almost impossible to get to sleep. His brain couldn’t shut off. His thoughts ran from one far-fetched theory to another, and if he could only separate what was rational from irrational, he’d find sleeping a lot easier. But he couldn’t, so he just sat there and let the worry consume him instead.

Even was missing. He was gone, and Isak had been the last person to see him. And he just couldn’t shake the feeling that he should have _realised_ something was wrong. He kept thinking back to the bridge, to that kind of sinking feeling – that growing uneasiness he’d felt as Even had leant over the edge and stared at the cold water below them and spoke about choices and death and the fragility of it all. Isak should have realised then – should have said something, but he hadn’t, had he? He’d been too busy trying to escape his own mind, his own thoughts, his own problems. He hadn’t stopped to consider that Even could have been going through his own struggles as well.

Or, worse, maybe some part of him _had_ considered it, but chosen to ignore it.

He flipped through Even’s profile on Facebook, sat with his back against the wall. It didn’t really reveal anything. In fact, Even’s account was ridiculously private – even Isak, who was friends with him, couldn’t see many of his posts or photos. The most recent update was just over a week ago, where he’d updated his cover photo to a still from Moulin Rouge. Isak felt his heart drop.

“What are you doing?” Chris croaked.

Isak looked at him. Chris’ eyes were still closed, splayed out on the bed lazily. “I can’t sleep.”

It took Chris a little while to respond. “Have you slept at all?”

Isak shook his head, then realised Chris couldn’t see him. “Um, not really,” he said quietly.

Chris was quiet. He sighed, pressed his head into the pillow and opened his eyes. “Why not?”

“Do you think Even’s hurt himself?” Isak asked distractedly.

Chris rolled his eyes. “You’re still worrying about him?”

“Aren’t you?” Isak asked defensively. He shifted a little uncomfortably. His back was aching.

“No,” Chris said, and his eyes were fluttering shut again. He took a deep breath. “I told you, he’s probably with his ex.”

“I’ve tried to find her,” Isak said, opening up Even’s profile again. “But it won’t even let me access his friends list. Like, I can see he has 48 friends, but I can’t see who they are. His profile’s completely locked up.”

“Probably so stalkers like you can’t figure out where he is,” Chris muttered. He sat up and snatched Isak’s phone off him.

“What –” Isak started.

Chris switched Isak’s phone off and placed it face-down on his bedside table. “I can’t fucking sleep when you’re like this.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Give me my – what are you – ”

Chris tugged at Isak’s legs so that Isak kind of slid down onto his back into a lying position. It wasn’t very comfortable.

“Sleep,” Chris told him. He settled close to Isak, throwing an arm over his waist.

Isak sighed irritably, shuffling a little so that he wasn’t lying at such an awkward angle. “I can’t –”

Chris put a gentle hand over Isak’s mouth, then moved it upwards, placing it over Isak’s eyes. “Sleep,” he told him again, more softly this time.

Isak frowned and pushed Chris’ hand away, half playfully, half irritably. He sighed and rolled over so that he was facing Chris, their noses almost touching. He looked at him. Chris’ eyes were already closed again.

“I don’t get how you can’t care about this, Chris,” Isak said quietly.

Chris’ eyes fluttered back open and he frowned. Threaded a hand through Isak’s hair. “I don’t get why you care so much.”

 

***

 

The first thing Isak felt when he woke up was Chris’ lips against his neck, placing open, wet kisses there. He smiled, sighing; tilted his head up to give Chris better access. For a brief, blissful minute, he forgot about the rest of the world and let himself be consumed in the feel of Chris’ tongue against his skin and the growing arousal building inside of him.

“Morning,” Isak murmured, snaking a hand under Chris’ jeans to his arse, squeezing it, eliciting a moan from Chris’ lips.

“Don’t,” Chris whispered, leaving Isak’s neck to look at him properly. “You’ll make me late for uni.”

“I thought you didn’t have uni until twelve?” Isak asked, leaning in and kissing Chris.

“Yeah, so I need to leave in five minutes,” Chris muttered.

Isak felt his stomach drop. He pulled back and froze. “What?”

“It’s half eleven,” Chris said.

Isak sat up suddenly, shoving Chris off him – a little too harshly, because Chris ended up rolling off the bed and landing on the floor with a thud.

“What the fuck, Isak?!”

Isak ignored him. He scrambled to Chris’ bedside table, heart pounding furiously, and grabbed his phone, turning it on impatiently.

 

Missed Calls: Lea (4)

 

Monday, 10:21AM

 **Lea** : where the fuck are you?

asshole

hello?

can you at least answer my fucking calls?

fuck you

 

Almost instantly – without realising it, either – Isak’s eyes filled with tears. He felt a horrible guilty panic engulf him as, hands shaking, he dialled Lea’s number.

_Pick up, pick up, pick up._

The phone only rang once before it went to voicemail. Isak closed his eyes, hung up, and tried again. Then again. And again and again.

On the sixth attempt, Chris – who was still on the floor, looking at Isak incredulously – said, “What’s going on?”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?!” Isak asked frantically.

Chris’ eyes widened a little and he laughed. “I just did!”

“I was supposed to meet Lea at ten!” Isak said, voice trembling. He pressed a hand to his forehead, stood up, and tried calling her again. It cut off the same as last time.

He paced around the room, breath heavy. Why was Chris still sat on the fucking floor like an idiot? Why hadn’t he woken Isak up two hours earlier? Why had he turned Isak’s phone off last night?

“Can you just – ” Isak snapped, but he didn’t really know what he was going to say. He kicked Chris’ bed. “ _Fuck_!”

Chris was saying something, but Isak wasn’t really listening. He was busy texting Lea.

 

Monday, 11:36AM

To: Lea

 

 **Isak** : lea i am so fucking sorry

my phone was off so i slept through my alarm

please pick up

 

 

After what felt like the hundredth attempt at calling her, Isak sat back down on the bed, defeated. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. He didn’t think it was possible to feel worse than how he’d felt last night, but whilst he’d felt guilty over Even’s disappearance, this was on a whole other level. Lea had told him that she’d had no one else to talk to about this. She had asked him – only him – to support her through it. And he had let her down.

Chris sat down beside Isak.

“Don’t you have university?” Isak asked, closing his eyes.

Chris nodded. “Yeah, but I can stay here.”

“Don’t,” Isak told him. He looked at him, cheeks red, eyes teary. “I told you it was at ten. Don’t you ever listen?”

Chris frowned. “You never told me the time.”

“I did!” Isak snapped. Then, “Or…I thought I did.” He shook his head, staring at his hands.

Chris looked at him and smiled a little. Put an arm around Isak’s shoulder. Wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Don’t cry.”

And Isak tried – he really, really tried – but the tears just kind of came anyway, and Chris sat with him as they did.

 

***

 

Chris offered to drop Isak home – to his mother’s house, because Isak figured Lea could be there – but before that, they had lunch together. Isak didn’t really feel like talking, so they ate their lunch in silence.  Except Isak didn’t really feel like eating, either. He just sort of pushed his food around his plate.

After a while, Chris looked at him. Sat his cutlery down and sighed.

“Did you fuck Even?” he asked.

Isak felt a tired anger bubbling up inside of him as he registered Chris’ words. “What?” he asked.

Chris shrugged, rolling his eyes. “Did you?”

Isak sighed. “No.” He tilted his head, staring at his plate. “We hooked up, but, uh, we didn’t go any further.”

“Hooked up?” Chris asked casually. He picked at some of his food a little aimlessly.

“Yeah,” Isak said, louder and more defensive.

Chris scoffed. “Okay.”

“What?” Isak snapped, guilt and anger and exhaustion pouring out of him. “He gave me a hand job! Is that what you want to hear?” When all Chris did was continue playing with his food, Isak rolled his eyes. “Like you haven’t received a thousand of those before? At least I wasn’t _with_ you when that happened! Am I even with you now? Are we together? Has anything changed at all?”

“Jesus Christ, chill out!” Chris said. “I was just asking!”

“Well don’t! I’m fucking stressed out, Chris!” Isak said.

Chris rolled his eyes and raised his eyebrows. “So fucking touchy.”

Just then, the front door opened. Isak’s heart skipped – both he and Chris whirled around quickly, expecting to see Even walking through the door. Instead, it was Hanna.

“Good afternoon,” she said brightly, folder clutched to her chest. She frowned. “Don’t you have uni, Chris?”

Chris yawned, stretching, and nodded. “I’m skipping,” he said.

Hanna nodded. “Responsible,” she said. She set her keys, bag and folder down on the side, grabbed a box of fruit from the fridge, and sat down beside them. “I called her, by the way. She’s coming over today.”

Chris nodded. Isak looked between the two of them, a little bewildered.  “Who is?”

Hanna threw a grape in her mouth and smiled. “Your boyfriend is a genius.” Isak opened his mouth to correct her, but she continued. “It’s kind of a funny story, really. I caught Chris smoking in his room this morning.”

Isak stared. “Okay,” he said slowly.

“I went crazy, obviously. I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up. Anyway, I told him that it was against our tenancy agreement – that the landlord would kick him out if he found Chris smoking.”

Isak still didn’t understand.

“So – grape, Isak? No? Okay – so anyway, Chris gets up and goes to the living room. He remembered that we all have copies of our tenancy agreements here, as well as a copy of the application forms we filled out. Right over there, in that cabinet.” She nodded towards the living room. “And in one part of the form we all had to fill out contact details for two referees. You know, like, people who know us that can prove we aren’t serial killers or whatever.”

“I know what a referee is,” Isak said.

“Well, Even’s is in there,” Hanna said.

 _Oh_ , Isak realised, feeling a bit stupid.

“We figured whoever he listed as a referee would be someone he knows well, and they might know where he is or whether we need to contact the police.” She smiled. “The first number was a dead end. I think he must’ve changed it or written it down wrong. But the second one worked. I got hold of her this morning – I was on my way to a lecture, so I had to be quick – but she agreed to come over this afternoon.”

“ _You_ came up with that plan?” Isak asked, looking at Chris a little disbelievingly.

Chris shrugged. “Hanna’s right. I’m a genius.”

Isak rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help smiling a little. He turned back to face Hanna. “So who’d you get a hold of?”

Hanna threw another piece of fruit into her mouth. “Some girl called Sonja.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how tenancies work in Norway...so they're purely based on my experience as a Brit haha. So lets just say in this universe, tenancy agreements/application forms work the same way haha :)  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you so much for your consistent support, I know I say it every time but it really really really means a lot!!! <333


	22. He felt everything

Hanna was the first to greet Sonja when she arrived. They had met before, it turned out: Sonja had visited Even here a few times and she’d said a quick hello to both Hanna and Chris in the past. They’d never been properly introduced, though.

So _this_ was Even’s ex.

Sonja’s eyes were tired and teary, and she had a kind of impatient air about her. All the exchanges felt like something she wanted to get out of the way, and soon she was sat at the kitchen table – she’d refused the cup of coffee Hanna had offered her – and they all moved to join her.

“When did you last see him?” Sonja asked.

“We last saw him at the house on Monday,” Hanna said. “But Isak was with him on Wednesday.”

Sonja looked at Isak, and suddenly Isak felt more nervous than he had before. Like every word he was about to say was capable of either fixing everything or destroying it. “What was he like?”

Isak shrugged. “The same as always, I don’t know.”

“Same as – how long have you known him?” Sonja asked, eyes narrowing.

“Just since he moved here,” he told her.

“And so – how’s he –” She closed her eyes, and Isak had the feeling he was annoying her. “What did you _do_ on Wednesday?”

Isak felt his cheeks redden. It didn’t help that he had to be the one sandwiched between Chris _and_ Sonja. “We – I – he took me to his lecturer’s house and he – we – we ended up doing graffiti,” he said. It sounded kind of bizarre to try and explain. Then again, the night itself had been pretty weird. “I told him we shouldn’t, but he’d got pissed off at something the lecturer told him in class, so he wanted to vandalise his front door. It was stupid, I don’t know.” He stared at his lap.

“Has he been doing stuff like that a lot?” Sonja asked, turning to the others too, now. “Vandalising things or breaking into places? Acting erratically? Recklessly?”

“I mean, that’s just what he’s like,” Hanna said, smiling a little weakly.

“We broke into an abandoned cinema,” Isak said, shrugging. “But yeah, like Hanna said, he’s just like that.”

“Yes but—” Sonja closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. “Okay. I forget you haven’t known him for very long. It’s difficult for you to see the signs.”

Chris laughed a little and shook his head. “Jesus Christ, what signs?”

Sonja sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “He’s bipolar,” she said. “Has he told any of you that?” When they all looked blankly at her, Sonja bit her lip and nodded. “No, I didn’t think he would’ve.”

Isak swallowed thickly. Weirdly, the first thing he felt was embarrassment. Like he’d been stupid to think someone like Even would be interested in being his friend, or interested in kissing him, in hanging out with him, in listening to his stories and theories and opinions and problems. He’d been stupid for believing any of it.

But he didn’t feel surprised at Sonja’s words. They felt like the logical conclusion of a mystery he hadn’t realised he’d been trying to piece together. He was just irritated that he hadn’t been able to put the pieces together himself sooner, before all of this happened.

Hanna was the first to speak. “What can we do for him?”

“I told myself I wouldn’t do this anymore,” Sonja sighed. “He refuses to take his medication, he won’t get help… it’s just _exhausting_.”

Hanna put a hand over Sonja’s and squeezed it gently. “I’m sorry. It must be hard.”

Sonja looked close to tears, but then something in her seemed to change. She shook herself a little, slid her hand out from under Hanna’s, and pushed her hair away from her face. “Okay.” She cleared her throat. “Have any of you been in his room?”

“It’s locked,” said Hanna.

“Right. That’s step one. If he’s been manic, he might’ve crashed by now.”

“Crashed?” Isak asked, hating how fragile his voice sounded.

“He might be depressed,” Sonja explained.  “It could be that he’s just been in bed this whole time.”

“For a _week_?!” Hanna asked. “He hasn’t had any food or water!”

Sonja simply shrugged. “We have to make sure he’s not there. I’ll ring his parents and let him know what’s going on. Then, if he’s not in his room, we ring his friends. If _they_ don’t have any information, we ring around hospitals and police stations. Chances are they might have picked him up if he’s still manic.” She sighed. “And if that fails, we contact the police and file a missing person’s report.”

“It’s serious, then,” said Chris.

Sonja nodded quickly. “Yes,” she said.

Chris whistled and shook his head. “Fucking hell, I had no idea.”

Isak felt his blood run cold. If only he’d been able to figure out just how fragile Even was before using him like he had. Because he had used him, hadn’t he? Used him as a distraction, as something to entertain him. Used him to escape his own problems.

Instead, he’d only created more.

 

***

 

“Even, it’s Sonja,” Sonja was saying against Even’s bedroom door. Her voice was surprisingly soft now. “Are you in there?” She turned the doorknob and knocked again. “Even?”

Isak was standing behind her, heart thudding loudly. Chris was stood beside him, chewing his nails, and Hanna was hugging Chris’ arm nervously, chin resting on his shoulder, looking like she was about to cry.

“Do you have a spare key anywhere?” Sonja asked.

Hanna shook her head. “We could ring the landlord and ask for one, but…” She trailed off and shook her head. “He wouldn’t be able to come anytime soon.”

“What about the window?” Isak asked.

“It overlooks his bed,” Hanna said. “If he’s in there, the glass could shatter on him.”

“Let’s break the door down, then,” Chris said.

In the absence of any other options, they all nodded. Sonja backed away from the door, and Chris moved forward, but Hanna got there first.

“Even,” she said gently against the doorframe, “we’re coming in, okay?”

No response.

Isak had imagined breaking a door down would look a lot like it did in the movies – that you’d run at it with your shoulder and that you’d break in after a couple of attempts. The real thing was much different. Chris was kicking at the door, foot thumping the area just below the lock, and it was ungraceful and messy and hard work. Eventually, Hanna took over, and she and Chris took it in turns, panting and sweating as they threw all their weight into their kicks. And with every blow to the door, Isak’s heartbeat quickened, and he suddenly had the horrible idea that they could very well walk in on Even’s lifeless body.

After a particularly forceful kick executed by Hanna, the wood began to splinter. Chris bounced a little on his heels, shook his head, and took a deep breath before delivering a final kick, and the door split in two and swung open.

For a brief second, everyone was quiet. The only thing Isak could hear was the ragged breaths coming from Hanna and Chris, and the sound of his heart beating loud in his ears. Everything seemed to hang in stillness; seemed to move in slow motion as Isak walked towards the door.

“Woah,” Chris said. As Isak peered inside, he could see why.

Almost every single inch of Even’s bedroom had been covered in Even’s drawings. They covered the walls, extended onto the ceiling; they were hung on pieces of string connecting opposite walls together; they were on the floor, sprawled out messily, and they were piled high on his desk.

Even was nowhere to be seen.

As Isak looked at the drawings further, he saw that they were all sketches of Even’s life. There was one of Hanna and him eating breakfast. There was one of Isak shirtless in Chris’ bedroom. Ones of parties, of family gatherings, of lectures and midnight walks and conversations with friends. Of Sonja, lying naked on his bed. Of him and Isak, kissing in the abandoned cinema. He swallowed hard. The pictures were beautiful – really, they were – but there was something unsettling about them, too. And they were intermixed with pages of messy writing and scribbles and newspaper clippings about black holes and galaxies and the universe.

Isak took a sheet of paper and stared at Even’s writing. It made no fucking sense. Something about parallel universes and time, but the writing was almost ineligible and the words he _could_ read were randomly placed and didn’t flow normally. He felt a horrible panic rise up inside of him.

“He’s gone mad,” he said shakily.

Sonja closed her eyes. “Not _mad_ , manic,” she said impatiently. She turned to the three of them, who were just sort of standing there stupidly. “None of you noticed this was going on?”

“We – no,” Hanna said, shaking her head. “Nothing like this.”

“You thought he was acting normal?” Sonja asked. “You thought _Even_ was normal, did you?”

“We called you as soon as we thought something was wrong,” Hanna said fairly.

“Yeah, and you might have called too late!” Sonja spat. She sighed, lips pressed together, eyes wet. She ran a hand through her hair and began tapping on her phone, walking out of the bedroom.

“What should we do?” Hanna asked, trailing after her. Isak followed them out of the room dumbly.

“Nothing,” Sonja snapped. “You’ve done enough, all of you. Just…call me if he comes home. I’ll sort it out. I always do.”

Her phone was pressed between her shoulder and her ear as she grabbed her handbag and keys. Then, without looking back at them, she left through the front door.

 

 

 

***

 

 

It felt obscene, the idea that Isak had to speak to Lea now. He wanted nothing more than to go to bed and hide from the world. But the idea of Lea, home alone, thinking that Isak had abandoned her, was enough to force Isak out of the house and into Chris’ car . They drove in silence towards Isak’s mother’s house, the radio humming inappropriately cheerful music at the two of them.

His thoughts were struggling to catch up with him, and he stared numbly out of the window. It didn’t help that Chris had barely said two words to him since Isak had snapped at him. He knew he’d seen Chris’ eyes linger a little longer on the sketch of Even and Isak kissing, too, which just pissed him off even more. How Chris could care about something as stupid as a kiss in the midst of everything fucked up that was going on with Even right now.

 

Monday, 13:03

To: Even

Isak: can you call me?

we’ve spoken to sonja. she’s worried about you

i am too

 

The only thing that brought Isak out of his haze was when the shitty pop song that had been blaring on the radio cut off, and Chris’ phone began ringing through the speakers instead. Isak’s heart skipped, wondering if it could be news about Even, but when he looked at the dashboard he saw that it was Tomas.

“Tomaaas,” said Chris. Whilst he sounded happy to talk to him, Chris was frowning and he pressed his lips together in a hard line.

“What’s going on, man?” Tomas said energetically. “I heard you and Lukas got into a fight yesterday.”

“Ah, yeah,” Chris said casually, checking behind him as he turned a corner.

“What was it about?”

“He’s just pissing me off, that’s all,” Chris said dismissively. “What’s up, anyway?”

“I’m just checking you haven’t forgotten about hosting the pre-drinks on Wednesday,” Tomas said.

“Oh, fuck,” Chris said. “Sorry, bro.”

“You’re kidding.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “No. I don’t know, things are stressful at mine right now. Can William host?”

“Uh, I’ll ask. What’s going on at yours?”

They pulled up at Isak’s mum’s house, and Chris parked the car and drummed his hand on the wheel impatiently.

“Just…I don’t know, some crazy shit,” he said. “My housemate’s gone missing. They’re thinking of getting the police involved.”

“Hanna’s missing?” Tomas asked, sounding horrified.

“No, Even.”

“Oh.” Tomas was quiet for a while. “Fuck, man.”

“Yeah.”

Tomas sighed. “Alright, well, as long as Noora won’t bitch about it, I don’t see why William won’t be able to host. You’re still going to come though, right?”

Chris kissed his teeth. “I don’t know.”

 “Come on, man, it’s sport night!” Tomas said. “They’re always crazy. And the girls’ volleyball team will be there. You _know_ Maggie’s keen on you.”

Isak rolled his eyes and stared pointedly out of the window again, staring at his mum’s house. Snow was beginning to fall now, light and fluffy, settling on the ground. He trailed the snowflakes lazily, trying to ignore the dull pain in his stomach. He was half tempted to get out of the car there and then.

Chris let out a breathy laugh and said, “Sure, I’ll be there.”

“Alright! Looking forward to it. See ya, man.”

“Yeah, bye, ” Chris said, and he hung up.

Isak unbuckled his seatbelt and sighed angrily. “Thanks for the lift,” he muttered irritably.

Chris just nodded. He seemed just as angry as Isak was. “Yeah, whatever.”

Isak made to get out of the car, but he froze as his fingers wrapped around the handle. “No, you know what, Chris? You don’t get to be pissed off at me.”

“What?” Chris asked, and he did that stupid laugh that he did whenever Isak tried to confront him about something.

“You don’t get to be pissed off that I hooked up with Even, then talk about wanting to hook up with some random girl at the party on Wednesday,” he said.

Chris shrugged, shaking his head, still grinning, but his cheeks were a little red. “Okay.”

Isak felt himself getting close to tears. He was so fucking stupid. He scoffed disbelievingly and shook his head. “You know, I actually thought you’d fucking changed. After this weekend, I thought…” He trailed away; shook his head. “I thought things were different.” He opened the car door and grabbed his bag. “But maybe everyone else was right. Maybe you can’t fucking change.”

Chris was just staring at him, lips slightly parted, grin falling from his face. Isak got out and slammed the door shut, turning away and leaving Chris there. He didn’t want to look at him for another second.

As he walked towards the steps to his house, he heard Chris start up the engine again and drive away.

 

***

 

Isak forced himself to wait outside his mother’s house to calm down before he talked to Lea. The snow was falling thick and fast now, settling on the ground beneath his boots. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, pacing a little, trying to clear his mind. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, then knocked.

Lea opened the door, then stared at him with her arms folded. Without make up on, she looked a lot more like the Lea Isak remembered: young, pretty, vulnerable. But she looked pale, too, and her face was somewhat harsher than it had been two years ago. Her eyes, which were the same shade of green as Isak’s, were brimming with tears.

“What do you want?” she asked.

Isak’s mouth was hanging open stupidly. He closed it and smiled a little nervously. “To say sorry.”

Lea rolled her eyes. “Save it.”

She went to slam the door, but Isak shoved his foot between the gap. It shut against him painfully.

“ _Isak_ ,” Lea hissed, trying to push him away.

“I have a key to get in anyway,” Isak said. “Please, just listen.”

Lea sighed, and let the door swing back open. “Okay, let’s hear it.”

Suddenly, Isak wasn’t really sure what to say. “Um,” he began. He shook his head. “I was going to come. I really was.” He paused. “But, um.” He tilted his head from side to side, trying to think of the best way to say what he wanted to. “Um, the thing is I was at my – my friend’s – and I couldn’t sleep – I haven’t been sleeping, really, recently – and I was on my phone and, uh, so he turned my phone off, and so my alarm didn’t go off and I, um, overslept.”

Lea raised her eyebrows. “That’s your excuse?”

“It’s the truth,” Isak said quietly. He chewed his lip and shrugged. “I’m sorry. I mean it.”

“You’re full of shit,” she told him. “You were at your friend’s?”

“Yes,” Isak said, almost defensive, now.

Lea rolled her eyes and reached over to pull Isak’s scarf down a little. “Nice love bite.”

Isak’s fingers skated over his neck, trailing over the bruise Chris had left there. “I’m –”

“The one thing,” Lea said, a tear trailing down her pale cheek. “The _one_ thing I ask of you in _two years_ and you can’t do it.”

“I’m sorry,” Isak said, voice trembling. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be there. I didn’t mean to let you down.”

Lea looked up, blinking as fresh tears spilt onto her cheeks. She pressed her lips together, arms still folded, and shook her head. “But you did,” she said, voice breaking. “You _did_ let me down.”

Isak felt it again: the guilt that had been threatening to consume him since earlier this morning. He swallowed hard and nodded. “I know,” he said quietly. “I—”

Lea sighed, finally looking at him. She shook her head tiredly. “You should go.”

“Lea, come on, let me – you can’t stay here by yourself –”

“My boyfriend’s coming over,” she said shortly. “I ended up telling him. He freaked out, but at least I don’t have to go to the second appointment by myself.”

Isak hadn’t even known there would _be_ a second appointment. “I’ll take you,” he said.

Lea laughed. “Yeah, right.” She moved behind the door again. “Go to hell, Isak.”

This time, when she slammed the door shut, Isak just let her.

 

***

 

He didn’t know how long he stood at the front door for. It could have been seconds or minutes. He just wanted to feel nothing, but instead, he felt everything: he felt Even’s disappearance; he felt Chris’ lips on other people; he felt Lea’s anger; he felt his mother’s hospitalisation; he felt the bruises on Chris’ ribs; he felt himself using Even when Even was at his most vulnerable. He felt everything, and it was simply too much.

By the time he walked down the stairs from his house, a thin layer of snow had settled on the ground. He took a deep breath, trying to get in control of his breathing. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he was walking kind of blindly along the pavement with no destination in mind.

Somewhere behind him, a car door shut. He heard the muffled thudding of footsteps approaching him in the snow; he carried on walking for a little while but then, for whatever reason, he glanced behind him.

Chris was striding towards him, quickly and full of purpose. As Isak turned around fully, staring at him, Chris jogged up to him; snowflakes had settled in his hair and on his shoulders; his cheeks were red, his eyes bloodshot; he was frowning, but there was something soft in his expression, too. And before Isak knew it, Chris had closed the gap between them, and he was cupping Isak’s face and kissing him.

It was gentle and urgent; it was surprising and unsurprising; it was foreign and familiar. It was Chris’ lips against Isak’s, again and again, soft and quiet and desperate. It was Chris’ gloves against Isak’s cheeks, and it was Isak’s hand on Chris’ waist, fingers curling around him, pulling him closer. It was Chris pulling back, gasping, breath white against the cold.

“I don’t want to hook up with anyone else,” Chris said, pressing their foreheads together.  “I just want you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest chapter I've written on this fic so far, holy hell.  
> Honestly I owe a huge thank you to Zoe (prettylies) for listening to me rambling on the phone about this beast of a chapter for half an hour, and for giving me advice and guidance and her amazing ideas. <3  
> And thank you so much to everyone who has commented on this fic and shown it support so far. I've had a pretty crappy week and honestly reading your feedback has been the highlight of it. It blows my mind, how lovely you all of you are. Thank you <3333


	23. The endless infinities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: references to suicidal thoughts, suicide, attempts, mental health issues, brief mention of abuse

Isak wasn’t sure how long he and Chris walked around for. Neither of them had really fancied going back to the car, or back to each other’s houses. It was nice to be out, walking a little aimlessly with each other, even if it was freezing cold.

They didn’t talk much. Isak wasn’t really sure what to say; he felt stupidly giddy, laughing nervously at Chris whenever he so much as looked at him. And Chris was just kind of striding along confidently, grin on his face, picking up snow and rolling it in his hands, throwing it at cars and on the pavement and at the trees.

None of it felt real, and there was a part of Isak – a protective, darker part of him – that didn’t believe Chris. Or rather, _chose_ not to believe him. Because if Isak allowed himself to believe what Chris told him, then that gave Chris more power than ever to hurt Isak. And that idea was absolutely terrifying.

They sat on a park bench that was partially sheltered under a tree. As they did, Isak looked at Chris and he wondered if Chris was terrified, too.

“Did you mean it?” Isak said quietly, eyes narrowing a little.

Chris raised his eyebrows. “Mean what?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “You know what.”

Chris grinned and nudged Isak with his shoulder. “Yeah, I meant it.”

Isak felt a small smile form on his lips. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Chris asked, eyebrows raised again. “That’s all you’re going to say?”

Isak laughed. “I don’t know, what am I _supposed_ to say?” he asked. “Yeah, okay, let’s do this.”

“ _Let’s do this?_ ” Chris repeated, smirking. “You need to work on your game, pretty boy.”

Isak just smiled, cheeks reddening. He licked his lips. “You’re sure?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “How many times do you want me to say it? Yeah, I'm sure.” He was quiet for a while. Stared at his lap. “Or I – yeah. I want to.”

Isak felt something in him drop, and he prepared himself for what was about to come. “But?”

Chris looked at him, eyes heavy. He chewed his lip nervously. “I think I’ll fuck it up.”

Isak frowned. It wasn't really what he was expecting Chris to say. “Why?”

Chris shrugged, face relaxing into something that looked a little more easy. A little more guarded, too. “It’s new, that’s all. I don’t – didn’t – _do_ relationships.”

Isak scoffed. “Yeah, I know.”

“So can we just…” Chris trailed off, looking at Isak, staring at his lips, then his eyes.

And Isak knew this wasn’t easy for Chris; knew that for whatever reason he had issues with commitment. But he was trying, and whilst a lot of people might have wanted more from the person they liked, Isak felt like right now, this was enough. 

He smiled a little. Reached over and ran his hand through Chris’ hair. “Let’s just take it slow,” he suggested. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Chris said, and Isak leant in and kissed him. Warm lips and cold cheeks brushing against one another.

It felt like only a couple of seconds passed before Chris’ phone buzzed. He sighed against Isak’s mouth, groaned irritably, then pulled away and took it out of his pocket.

“Who is it?” Isak asked.

Chris sighed. “My dad. I’ve got to go.”

Isak felt a little awkward. They hadn’t spoken about Chris’ dad since Chris had told Isak where the bruises had come from. “Is everything okay?” he asked, voice small.

“Yeah,” Chris said, jumping up. “Come on, I’ll give you a lift back to your place.”

 

***

 

Monday, 22:11

 

 **Eskild** : FOUND – Isak Valtersen, missing for four days, seen raiding the fridge at 22:00 this evening. Grumpy when asked where he had been. Grumpier when I tried to give him a lecture on his choice in men. Wouldn’t recommend approaching him for a few days.

 **Noora** : Isak did you eat my leftover pasta?

 **Isak** : yea sorry i had nothing in

i’ll pay you back

 **Noora** : I was going to have that for lunch tomorrow

 **Eskild** : You also owe me rent money!!

 **Isak** : sorry Noora

and i’ll get it to you this weekend Eskild

 **Eskild** : Okie dokes :*

 **Linn** : Isak was missing?

 

***

 

Tuesday, 07:33AM

Facebook Messenger

 

 **Sonja** : Hi all. Just wanted to apologise for getting angry yesterday. What’s happening isn’t your fault. I’ve called his parents and checked with Even’s friends and none of them have seen him. It says on his bank statement that he withdrew 3,000kr on Thursday morning and that’s the last thing on there. Calling hospitals and police stations later today. Sorry again, I’ll keep you updated

 **Hanna** : You have nothing to apologise for Sonja. Thanks for letting us know<3

 **Chris** : ^ Ditto

 **Isak:** yea thanks for the update

 **Sonja** : No problem

 

***

 

Despite the fact that he woke up at 5AM, Isak still somehow managed to run so late that he missed the bus to school. He was forced to wait for another one, which would definitely see him arrive at school at least half an hour late. It didn’t help that this bus was also a lot busier than the normal one he took. It was full of morning commuters, and it was stuffy and hot and Isak was sweating through his beanie irritably.

His morning didn’t get much better when his dad rang.

“Yeah?” Isak asked shortly.

“Hi, Isak,” his dad said brightly. “How are you?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Fine. What do you want?”

“I was just wondering if you wanted to see mum next week,” he said. “She’s doing very well. The staff are going to start letting her have monitored leave soon. I was thinking we could all go for lunch together.”

“I’m seeing her after school on Thursday,” Isak said.

“Well,” his dad said, sounding a little hurt. “You can see your mother twice in the space of a week, can’t you?” When Isak said nothing, his dad added, “Lea and I will be there. It’ll be the whole family.”

Isak sighed. “I don’t think—”

His phone beeped and he pulled it away from his ear, staring at the screen. Someone else was trying to call him.

It was Even.

Isak blinked at his phone for a couple of seconds before registering what was happening.

“Uh, dad, I’ll call you back.”

“What about—“

Isak hung up, but as he did, both calls vanished. He swore under his breath and redialled Even's number, fingers trembling, heart pounding. It only rang once and then, to his surprise, Even picked up.

“Even?” Isak asked. Relief flooded him. “Even, what the fuck?”

“Hey, Isak,” Even said. Isak could hear the smile in his voice.

His mouth hung open stupidly. Even sounded so _casual_. “I – where have you been?”

“Nowhere,” said Even. “Listen, Isak, I need to tell you something. I need you to get this.”

“Get – get what?” Isak repeated. “What do you need?”

“Because you understand this, don’t you?” Even asked. “It’s all about control.”

“What?” Isak asked. “Understand – what are you on about, Even? Where are you?”

“Remember what we talked about? About controlling our lives?”

Isak swallowed thickly. “Yeah,” he said.

“It’s the only way,” Even continued. “What better control is there? You get it, right?”

“I – Even, where are you?”

“I think I get it now. The endless infinities. How our choices can create new worlds.”

“Even,” Isak said again, uneasiness growing in him. “Where are you?”

“All the universes –  there’s millions of them – trillions – an infinity of choices, and I’ve been trying to figure them all out…how everything, you know, it’s all a choice, and our decisions spiral off and they create different universes, opening up over and over, you know? And so, you have to remember your choices, however you do that. From what you eat for breakfast to kissing the person you like in an abandoned cinema to forgetting your passport to choosing to walk down _that_ road at _that_ time of night...they open up so many parallel universes. I can see them in my mind, Isak. All of them splintering off. All the infinities. It’s fucking beautiful.”

“Even, are you okay?”

“I’m magic, Isak,” Even said. “I get it now. I get it all. I’ve cracked it. It’s so clear now. But there’s a problem.”

“What’s the problem?” Isak asked. Then, yet again: “Jesus, Even, where are you?”

“It’s okay for you and for others but the thing is, Isak, what happens when you can’t control your thoughts? What happens when you can’t control your choices?” Even let out a shaky breath. “It’s chaos. Unstable universes created from thoughts I don’t want. Choices I didn’t make. Choices I can’t control.”

“You _can_ control your choices, Even,” Isak said. “Please, Even, please just tell me where you are. Please.”

“If you can’t control your thoughts, you have to stop your thoughts, you know?” He paused for a while, wind whirling noisily. “And the only way to stop your thoughts is to die.”

Isak’s blood turned to ice. He didn’t know what to do – he felt helpless, on the other end of the line, with no clue where Even was or what he was doing. At the same time, he felt like if there was anyone who could help Even right now – who could stop him from doing whatever he was about to do – then it was Isak. But what the fuck was he supposed to say?

Even laughed. “It’s the ultimate thing, though, isn’t it? And I can test it all – test the universes and test fate and test my thoughts. Test everything. Gain a deeper understanding.”

And something about Even’s mention of fate triggered a memory in Isak. Triggered the memory of Even on the bridge, leaning down, looking at the water. And something about the way the wind was whirling noisily in the background and the sounds of cars speeding along the road and the edge to Even’s voice fitted his memory, too. It was a long shot – a really fucking long shot – but it was the only one he had.

He looked outside the bus window, shaking, heart beating furiously in his chest. He wanted to call emergency services, but if he did that, he’d have to hang up on Even. And there was no way he was about to do that; he was clinging to the phone like it was a lifeline. It was the only thing keeping him and Even connected.

“So that’s your solution?” Isak asked. “You’re going to jump off the bridge?”

Even laughed – actually laughed, loud and joyful and happy – and said, “I fucking _knew_ you’d understand this, Isak.”

The bridge was a ten minute walk from here. Maybe five at a run. The traffic was at a standstill, but the bus was headed in the opposite direction and the next stop wasn’t for another mile.

Isak went up to the bus driver.

“I need to get off,” he told him.

The bus driver shook his head. “I can’t let you out here, buddy.”

“Please,” Isak said, covering the microphone on his phone. He had the feeling Even wouldn’t react well if he knew Isak had figured out where he was. “It’s an emergency.”

“It’s against health and safety to open the doors anywhere other than at a registered stop,” the bus driver told him flatly. “You’ll have to get off at the next one.”

Isak felt like punching him. Instead, he moved towards the doors and tried to pry them open – a few people on the bus gasped, and the bus driver began shouting, but Isak didn’t care. The doors weren’t opening anyway. He swore, looking around wildly, trembling with the panic and adrenaline coursing through him.

He ignored the protests from the bus driver as he stormed to the middle of the bus, towards the emergency exit door. He was vaguely aware that a few people were standing up and moving towards him; he was also aware that the bus driver had gotten out of the driver’s seat and was coming towards him; but he was mainly aware of Even’s breathing, ragged and panicked and manic, on the other end of the line.

Isak opened the emergency door and jumped into the road below him.

 

***

 

He ran as fast as he could through the streets, legs aching, chest heaving. At first, he tried to keep quiet – tried to keep the fact that he was running hidden. He didn’t want Even to pick up on it. But he soon realised that Even wasn’t listening to anything he was saying anyway. Even had stopped talking, now, but Isak could still hear his breathing, the traffic, the wind, and occasionally Even would say something.

He slowed to a walk as he approached the bridge. People were driving past and walking along the pavement as normal, the sky hanging grey and cloudy above their heads. Snow was falling again. Nothing looked that out of the ordinary, except – _there_.

Even was sitting on the barrier of the bridge, legs dangling precariously over the river beneath him. He was facing away from the road, looking out at the landscape, phone pressed against his ear.

Isak froze. Suddenly, he didn’t know what he should do. He wanted to scream at people – at all the people who stopped for a few seconds to look at Even but didn’t actually _do_ anything.

His legs began walking mechanically beneath him. One step after another. Dull footsteps against the snowy ground. He swallowed, throat dry; crossed the road without really looking, heart jumping when a car horn sounded angrily at him.

By the time he got to the other side, a woman had pulled up on the road. Her hand was over her mouth and she was on the phone to someone. As Isak passed her, he overheard her talking about a boy on a bridge.

Even was wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. His bare arms were almost purple against the cold, and there was still a splattering of colourful paint against his skin. His eyes were glossy and unfocused, lips slightly parted, and he was shivering.

“Hey,” Isak said quietly, phone falling to his side.

Even turned around, eyes wide. He put his phone down. “How did you know I was here?”

Isak smiled weakly. “Lucky guess,” he said.

To his horror, Even stood up. “You shouldn’t be here.”

Isak moved forward instinctively, and he should’ve just reached out and grabbed Even then, but something in him froze and he simply stared up at him. “Even.”

“The thing is, you can’t stop this,” Even said. The wind whirled wildly around them, scooping up the gentle snowflakes and making them spiral violently in the air. “It’s something I’ve got to do.”

“Why?” Isak asked desperately, voice cracking.

“I can’t control my thoughts,” Even repeated. “The only way to control them is to stop them. And the only way to stop them is to die.”

“You’re…no,” Isak said, shaking his head. “No. You’re giving your thoughts more power if you let them kill you.”

Even spun around, quickly, and it made Isak cringe because the thin platform Even was standing on was covered in a sheet of ice. His eyes were wide and wild and almost frightening, and his chest was rising and falling heavily, breath appearing in white spirals before him.

Isak could hear sirens blaring behind and hoped – _prayed_ – that it was the police. _Keep him talking,_ he told himself. _Keep him talking, keep him talking, keep him talking._

 “If you do this, Even, then you give – you’re letting your thoughts control you, you know?” He didn’t know what his point was; he was just trying to keep Even’s attention on him.

“They already _have_ control of me,” Even said weakly. He turned back around and Isak’s stomach lurched uneasily. “This way, I can take it back. Make it stop.”

Isak was so close – agonisingly _,_ teasingly close to Even. From here, he could put a hand around Even’s wrist and pull him down. But something in him told him not to. Not yet, anyway.

“There are other ways to take back control,” Isak told him. “You know, you can – can get help, take medication or – or go to – have therapy or –”

“That doesn’t work,” Even snapped, stepping forward, closer to the edge. Isak’s heart jolted horribly. Even looked down, wind billowing through his hair, through his thin white t-shirt.  “I thought you got it. This isn’t a bad thing.”

Isak glanced past Even; saw the blue lights pull up, and he knew he just had to keep him talking for a few more seconds.

The problem was, he didn’t know what to say.

“Even,” he said desperately. “Please.”

Even turned back to Isak, smiling at him, eyes crinkling at the corners. “It’s okay.”

“Even,” Isak said again, inching forward.

Even turned to face the water again, and everything happened in slow motion. Even took a step forward; Isak’s heart dropped to his stomach; a woman behind them screamed. Isak dove at him blindly, clutching a little helplessly at Even’s arm before someone else ran forward; someone bigger and stronger than him – a policeman, Isak realised, who jumped up and wrapped his arms around Even’s middle, dragging him back to the pavement with a dull thud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a really hard chapter to write :( <3


	24. I don't want to talk about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: hospitals, dealing with the aftermath of a suicide attempt

Isak didn’t remember much of the ride to hospital. He’d been vaguely aware that paramedics had been called to sedate Even, and that a bruise had begun to form on Even’s forehead from where his face smacked the pavement as the officer pulled him to safety. Other than that, everything was a blur.

Once they arrived at hospital, Isak sat in a waiting room. Someone – a nurse, Isak guessed – came in to speak with him, asking him a thousand questions. _You say he’s bipolar? How long has he been diagnosed for? Does he have a history of suicidal ideations? Has he ever tried something like this before? How long do his episodes usually last? Is he on any medication? Has he ever been hospitalised for mental health issues before?_

After every answer he gave – most of which were just “I don’t know” – he could see the nurse growing more and more concerned. Her brows became furrowed, mouth stern.

“You say you’re Mr. Næsheim’s friend. Is that right?”

“Yes,” Isak said. Then he shook his head. “Or, I don’t know. We don’t know each other that well.”

“Okay,” she said, voice a little softer. “Well, Isak, you did a very good job. You kept him talking, and that will have saved his life.”

Isak said nothing.

“I’d like to give you this,” the nurse continued. She placed a leaflet in Isak's hand. “It’s information on counselling services that are available for people who’ve experienced events such as yourself.”

Isak frowned, staring at the leaflet. “What?”

“Well, witnessing a suicide attempt can be very distressing.” Isak flinched at the word. _Suicide_ felt strong. Harsh. Horrible. “So, if you find that you need to talk to anyone about it, these are the services available to you.”

Isak shook his head. “No, I don’t need this,” he said, trying to hand it back to her.

The nurse smiled a little and patted his arm. “Well, keep it. Just in case you do.”

After she left, Isak screwed up the leaflet and threw it in the bin.

It didn’t feel right, being the only one there. The room was for family and friends, but Isak didn’t feel like he really deserved to call himself Even’s friend. Isak’s ideas about the universe had fed into Even’s delusions; fed into Even’s mania. Fed into the conclusion that death was the only way out. And Even was so _good_ ; a good and genuine and kind person, and he didn’t deserve any of this.

 _I fucking_ knew _you’d understand this, Isak._

And that was why Even had wanted to be Isak's friend, wasn’t it? Because anyone else would have been able to tell – been able to realise that something with Even was off. Even had found a friend in Isak simply because Isak had chosen to ignore how weird Even was acting. He’d just let himself get swept up in the distraction Even provided, and he’d almost killed him in the process. And that must have been why Even had called Isak in the first place: because Isak understood so little that Even probably thought Isak wouldn’t even bother to go out and try to stop him.

He couldn’t stand sitting there and just _feeling_ all of this, so instead, he phoned Sonja and numbly recited the events of the last hour to her.

She was quiet for a while. Then, she said, “Okay. I’ll let his parents know.”

“Uh, are you going to come to the hospital?” Isak asked.

“I –” Sonja paused. “I don’t know,” she said finally.

“How long will it be before his parents can get here?”

“His mother can be there in an hour.”

Isak chewed his lip. “Can’t you come? They’re asking me all these fucking questions and I don’t know the answers to any of them.”

Sonja was quiet again. She let out a long, drawn-out sigh. “Yeah,” she said quietly. Then, a little louder and more confidently, “Yeah, of course I can come.”

 

***

Isak met Sonja in the foyer a little while later. She was holding hands with a tall boy who had dark, curly hair. Sonja’s eyes were teary and her hair was scraped back in a short, scrappy ponytail, clothes hanging off her messily.

“Hi, Isak,” she said.

Isak smiled weakly. “Hey.”

“Um, this is my boyfriend, Mikael,” Sonja said, gesturing to the dark-haired boy. “Mikael – Isak.”

Mikael shook Isak’s hand firmly and smiled. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

Mikael swung on his heels, then clapped his hands together. “Uh, do you two want any drinks or anything? Some coffees?”

Sonja sighed, running a hand through her hair. “Yeah, a coffee would be nice.”

Mikael nodded. “Isak?”

Isak shook his head and frowned, staring at the floor. “I, um. I’m fine.”

“No? Water?” Mikael asked.

“No,” Isak said. “I, uh, should probably go, so.”

“You’re leaving now?” Sonja asked, almost a little irritably.

“Yeah, I – I don’t think it’s good for me to be here.” When all Sonja did was look at him, Isak tilted his head from side to side and said, “Things between Even and me are kind of weird. I don’t know if I should be here when he wakes up.”

“Why, because you kissed him?” Sonja asked.

Isak stared at her. “What?”

Sonja smiled. “I saw the drawings. It’s okay.”

“I mean…” Isak trailed off, not really sure how much to tell her. “We kissed, yeah, but we’re not – we don’t – it’s not like that. We’re not together.” He swallowed hard and shook his head. His voice was a lot quieter when he said, “I didn’t treat Even very well.”

“Well, saving his life probably makes up for it,” Mikael said brightly, patting Isak’s shoulder reassuringly.

Isak let out a nervous, breathy laugh. Shook his head and sniffed. Mikael made it sound like he was some sort of hero, but he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Isak opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off when Mikael tapped Sonja’s shoulder and pointed towards the hospital doors. They had just flung open, and there was no mistaking who walked through them, judging by how similar she looked to Even.

If Isak thought Sonja had looked upset, it was nothing compared to Even’s mother.

She strode into the hospital, coat billowing behind her. Her face was pale, and she had one hand over her chest and another keeping her phone to her ear. She was talking quickly with someone – Even’s father, Isak presumed – and her eyes, which were the same light blue as Even’s, were darting frantically from person to person until settling on Sonja, who had begun walking towards her.

Isak watched on numbly as Sonja relayed information to her, but his eyes fell to the floor when she turned around and pointed at Isak.

Moments later, Even’s mother hugged him.

His arms remained by his side as she squeezed him tightly. He could feel the shakiness in her breathing; the tightness in her chest that told Isak she was trying not to cry.

“Thank you,” she said.

It felt wrong. If she’d known the truth, she wouldn’t be thanking him. Everyone was acting like Isak had saved Even, but he hadn’t, had he? He hadn't been able to talk Even out of it and Even was about to jump – had _begun_ to jump. Had the police officer not been there, Isak doubted that his clumsy hand around Even’s wrist would have been enough to save him.

Even was hurting. Even’s loved ones were hurting. And Isak didn’t want to be a part of that pain, and he certainly didn’t want to be the cause of it anymore.

So, when Even’s mother began talking to Sonja again, Isak quietly slipped away.

 

***

 

Tuesday, 11:32AM

 

 **Magnus** : isaaaaaaaaak

where are you?!

 **Mahdi** : I told you, he’s probably still with Chris

 **Magnus** : what happened to bros before hoes?

or I guess in isak’s case…bros before bros…

or bros before blows!! hahaha

get it?

like blow jobs

 **Jonas** : Yeah we got it Mags

 **Mahdi** : Comedic genius

 **Magnus** : our boy is getting laaaaid!!!!

mahdi you need to start getting some, you’re the only one left who isn’t

 **Mahdi** : You’re not getting any either

Marie is just playing you

 **Magnus** : actually marie wants to fuck this weekend

sooooo ha

 **Jonas** : I agree with Mahdi, she’s just playing you man

 **Magnus** : no!!! why do you think that??

 **Jonas** : Are you doing anything else with her this weekend?

 **Magnus** : we’re going shopping

 **Mahdi** : Brooo

 **Jonas** : I rest my case

 **Magnus** : what?!

 **Mahdi** : She’s just saying she’ll fuck so you’ll buy her shit beforehand

 **Magnus** : what the fuck?? no

or…maybe…idk

fuck

maybe she is playing me

isak? what do you think??

isak replyyyyy

 **Mahdi** : It’s difficult for him to type when he’s busy fucking 

Not that you’d understand that ;)

 **Jonas** : Ouch hahahha

 **Magnus** : wow

you’ll eat your words when marie teaches me to become the master of fucking!!

 **Mahdi** : Master of blue balls more like

 **Jonas** : 1 – 0 to Mahdi

 **Magnus** : whatever

gotta go teacher keeps looking

 **Jonas** : We’re just messing with you, Mags <3

 **Mahdi** : Just like Marie is

 **Jonas** : 2-0

 

***

 

 

Isak lay in bed for most of the day, listening to music and trying to distract himself. He was getting behind with school, but there was no way he’d be able to go in today. Instead, he tried focusing on his biology homework. It was already a week overdue, but he couldn’t really concentrate on it. He ended up slamming his textbook shut after half an hour and storming out of his bedroom to grab food.

Instead, he bumped into Eskild.

 “Oh, hello, Isak!” Eskild said. “What are you doing home?”

Isak really, _really_ wasn’t in the mood to talk. “I’m ill.”

“Oh,” Eskild said, nodding. “This doesn't have anything to do with Chris at all, does it?”

Isak frowned. “What?” he snapped.

“He hasn’t…you know…upset you, or anything?” Eskild asked. “Hasn’t pulled some fuckboy shit again?”

Isak rolled his eyes and let out an irritated sigh. Turned to go back into his bedroom, but Eskild followed him.

“If he’s upset you, there’s no one better than me to rant to about it.”

“It’s not about Chris!” Isak spat. “Actually, Chris is the _one_ thing that’s going well in my life right now. So can you just back off, Eskild?”

“I just mean whenever you’re upset, it’s usually to do with him, so –”

“Well it isn’t!” Isak said, voice trembling. He was tearing up, now, but he wasn’t really sure why. “And it actually really pisses me off when you talk about Chris like he’s the worst fucking person in the world. You don’t even give him a _chance_ , you just hate him without – I mean – don’t you believe people can change, or? Do you just go around thinking…thinking the worst of people…thinking that if they mess up a couple of times then they’re not worth loving? Is that what you think?”

“Okay,” Eskild said quietly. “Okay. I’m sorry.”

Isak sat on his bed and put his head in his hands. Eskild sat beside him.

“I didn’t mean to snap,” Isak said.

“No, you were right,” Eskild told him. “Maybe I can be a little unfair on Chris.” They were both quiet for a while, then Eskild asked, “Why aren’t you at school, then?”

Isak sighed. Looked at Eskild. His head was all over the place, and…well, Eskild didn’t even know who Even _was_. Isak wasn’t sure he’d be able to get through the story without crying or making Eskild hate him or feeling even worse than he had before, so he just shook his head and said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Eskild said. “Is it to do with your friends, or?”

“I – kind of,” Isak said. He let out a long sigh. “A friend tried to hurt themselves today and I just…it’s kind of my fault, so.”

“They tried to hurt themselves?” Eskild repeated. “Which friend?”

“I don’t…it’s fine,” Isak said, staring at the floor.

Eskild looked at him. “You’ll feel a lot better if you talk about it, Isak.”

“I know,” Isak said quickly, shaking his head dismissively. He scratched his neck. “I just…I have schoolwork to catch up on, and so. Yeah. I don’t know. I uh, just don’t feel like talking right now.”

“Okay,” Eskild said finally, standing up and nodding. “But…let me know when you're ready. I’m always here.”

“Yeah,” Isak said numbly.

Eskild walked towards the door, but paused before leaving. Then, he said, “You know, you can’t blame yourself for every bad thing that happens in your life, Isak.”

Isak just nodded, chewing his lip, and tried not to cry until Eskild had left his room.

 

***

 

Tuesday, 20:54PM

 

 **Sonja** : Even’s still in hospital waiting to be seen. They need to do a psychiatric evaluation but can’t do that until the sedation wears off. They’ve had to sedate him another two times and they found traces of cocaine in his system so he could be there for a while. Talks of admitting him overnight. He’s safe though. Heading home now

 **Hanna** : Wait, you found him?

 **Sonja** : I thought Isak would’ve told you, sorry

 **Hanna** : Isak didn’t say anything to me

Did he say anything to you Chris?

 **Chris** : No

Isak?

21:06

 **Hanna** : So what happened?

 **Sonja** : Are you at your place?

 **Hanna:** Yep

 **Sonja** : I’ll come over and explain everything

 **Hanna** : Don’t feel like you have to. We’ll completely understand if you want to go home and sleep

 **Sonja** : I said I’d collect a few of Even’s things anyway and I pass yours on my way back, so it’s fine

 **Hanna** : Okay. I’ve got loads of leftover pizza if you’re hungry

 **Sonja** : Thank you :)

 

***

 

When the door to Isak’s room opened again, he curled his body in on itself a little more; pulled the duvet over himself and pressed his head against his pillow. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to Eskild, or Noora, or Linn or the boys or anyone right now. His eyes were heavy and he so desperately craved sleep, but he knew his mind wouldn’t let him have it.

“Hey,” said Chris.

Isak turned slowly to look at him. He was standing in his room with snowflakes in his hair, and he didn’t say anything else. Instead, Isak just watched as Chris removed his coat, kicked off his shoes and crawled into bed with him.

They looked at each other for a while, and everything felt quieter than usual. This close, Isak could see that snowflakes had settled in Chris’ eyelashes, too. He watched them melt, a little mesmerised.

Then, very gently, Chris pulled Isak towards him so that Isak’s head was resting against Chris’ chest, ear against his heart. And Isak just kind of sighed into it; hadn’t realised how much he’d craved this kind of comforting touch. He let himself be soothed by the steady rise and fall of Chris’ chest, by the sure and balanced beat of Chris’ heart. And everything was quiet again, a momentary peace hanging over the two of them as they lay in bed together, breathing slowly and synchronously with one another. Chris’ hands traced slow, lazy lines up and down Isak’s back, leaving a trail of warmth in their wake. As he did, Isak’s heavy eyes began to flutter shut.

Not long after, he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think last chapter was probably the end of part 2, and this chapter is the beginning of part 3. So yeah, not long to go until the end now :) (Well, probably still around 7-10 chapters). But yeah :) Thank you all so much for sticking through with me on this, it seriously means so much and your comments make my absolute day! :) <3333  
> P.S. 1100 KUDOS. SO INSANE. Thank you all ahhhh!!


	25. It's the same thing

 

Wednesday, 09:11AM

 

 **Sonja** : Even’s agreed to stay as an in-patient on the psychiatric ward. I’ve attached the doc they sent us about visiting hours etc

 **Hanna** : Thanks for letting us know! Glad he agreed to get help

 **Sonja** : He didn’t really agree, they said he could either consent to it or they’d have to section him

 **Hanna** : Oh right. Do you think he’d like it if I visited him?

 **Sonja** : I think it would be good for him to know he has friends, but it might be better to wait a couple of days

 **Hanna** : Shall we arrange a trip for Saturday then boys?

 **Chris** : Isak’s asleep, I’ll ask him when he wakes up

 **Hanna** : Ok. Are you going to come though?

 **Chris** : Not sure

 **Hanna** : I think you should, we’re his housemates Chris

He should know he has our support

 **Chris** : He kissed my boyfriend

 **Hanna** : Boyfriend? Are you and Isak together now?

 **Chris** : You know what I mean

 **Hanna** : Not sure I do! Has Isak tamed Mr. Relationships-Are-Too-Complicated?

Mr. I’m-Too-Young-To-Commit?

 **Chris** : Whatever

 **Hanna** : Haha I’m just kidding. It’s about time

Anyway, visit Even with me. It’ll be good for him to know you don’t hate him or anything

 **Chris** : I don’t know. Maybe

 **Hanna** : Well, I’ll be going. And I think you should too.

I’ll do your chores for a week ;)

Pleaseeeee

 **Chris** : Christ

Okay fine

But you do my chores for two weeks

And you cook me some of those burgers you made the other day

 **Hanna** : Deal :)

 

***

 

Even was on the bridge, looking back at Isak, face splattered with colourful paint that slowly turned darker and redder. It began dripping down Even’s face like blood from seeping wounds, trailing down Even’s white top until he was practically covered in it. He looked like some grotesque victim in a horror film. Then, without warning, he turned away from Isak and jumped.

Isak awoke with a start.

“Hey,” Chris said.

Isak swallowed thickly, trying to calm his breathing. “Hey,” he said.

Chris was sat by the window, hair wet, wearing one of Isak’s hoodies. A cigarette was teased between his teeth, smoke emitting from it lazily.

“What time is it?” Isak asked.

“Eleven,” Chris said. “I figured you wouldn’t want to go to school today, so I just let you sleep.”

“Mm,” Isak hummed gratefully, blinking a little to let his eyes adjust to the light. He sat up.

“Uh, Even’s been admitted to a psych ward,” Chris said.

At the mention of Even’s name, Isak’s heart fell to his stomach. He just nodded.

“Sonja sent a message to the chat this morning,” he continued. “Hanna wants to visit him on Saturday, if you want to come.”

Isak shook his head quickly and stared at his knees. He couldn’t imagine that Even would want to see him right now and, quite frankly, the idea of visiting Even was terrifying. “No, I don’t think that’s a good plan.”

Chris just shrugged. “Okay.”

Silence hung between them, and it was almost unbearable because it made Isak _think_. The details from the day before felt like trying to remember a horrible nightmare – they were scary, confusing, and completely fragmented. He couldn’t really make sense of any of it.

“Fucking hell,” Isak said finally.

“I know,” Chris said. “It’s crazy.”

Isak smiled weakly. “Yeah.”

Chris scanned Isak, pulled the cigarette back to his lips and inhaled. As he blew out some smoke, he said, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Isak wrinkled his nose. “Not really.”

“Okay,” Chris said, tapping some ash into the bowl by his leg.

Isak was quietly relieved when Chris didn’t push him any further.

 

 

***

 

Chris insisted on cooking breakfast this time – Isak didn’t really blame him, after his miserable previous attempts at scrambled eggs. As Chris busied himself over the stove, Isak scrolled through the group chat with Hanna, Sonja and Chris and smiled a little to himself. Then, he looked at Chris, eyebrow raised, and said, “Boyfriend?”

Chris stopped stirring the eggs and turned. His eyes flitted from the phone, then to Isak. “I fucking _knew_ you were going to say something about that.”

“You said it,” Isak said, smirking. He turned the phone screen around to face Chris. “See? Boyfriend.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “My hand slipped.”

“It slipped? Slipped and typed ‘my boyfriend” instead of Isak?” Isak tried to suppress his laugh, but it sort of bubbled out of him anyway.

Chris smirked and reached over, snatching the phone from Isak’s hand and placing it face-down on the kitchen counter. He moved towards Isak, placing his hands on Isak’s hips. “Shut up,” he said.

“I’m just repeating what you typed,” Isak said, but he said it distractedly because Chris was inching a little closer to him, staring at his lips, moving his hand under Isak’s shirt. Isak licked his lips and smiled. Wanted to tease Chris for as long as he could. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of commitment, you know.”

Chris grinned, tongue sticking out the side of his mouth. “No?” he asked, rubbing his thumb over the skin at Isak’s hip.

“No,” Isak said, eyes on Chris’ lips. “You’re coming on a little strong.”

Chris laughed. “Shut up,” he said again, and he leant in and kissed Isak.

Isak looped his arms around Chris’ neck and pulled him closer, opening his mouth and deepening the kiss, and he felt Chris breathing into it contentedly. They broke apart briefly as Chris turned to switch the hob off, then he grinned and pulled Isak back to him. Tongue and touching and hunger. Isak’s shirt rode up slightly as Chris’ hands ran over Isak’s chest, down to his stomach, causing a steady arousal to stir within him.

“The kitchen is for eating _food_ , not _faces_ , boys.”

Isak groaned and Chris turned around, grinned, and said, “Hello, Eskild.”

“Hello Chris,” Eskild chimed quickly and a little dismissively. “I just saw William in the hall. It’s like a little penetrator reunion party. Literally.” He grabbed a yoghurt and a banana. “What are you two up to today?”

“We’re, uh, just hanging out,” Isak said, getting a little distracted as Chris began placing small, brief kisses against Isak’s cheek. “Chris has – _Chris_ – Chris has uni at one, so.”

“Oh, I see,” Eskild said. He looked like he’d just sucked on a lemon or something as he said, “Would you like a lift to class, Chris?”

Chris froze with his lips against Isak’s cheek and said, “What, me?”

“Yes,” Eskild said. “If you’d like a lift, I’m going in at one, too.”

“Oh,” Chris said, grinning and turning to face Eskild fully. “I mean, my car’s here, so I’ll probably drive in.”

“But, um, if you wanted a lift, Eskild, I’m sure Chris wouldn’t mind driving you,” Isak suggested.

Chris cast Isak a dark look, and Isak just shrugged, laughing.

Eskild cleared his throat, drank some water, then said, “I’m sure that would be very nice.”

Before Chris could say anything else, Eskild took his breakfast and left the kitchen quickly.

Isak grinned as Chris turned to face him, looking at disbelievingly, and he was about to say something when Chris’ phone buzzed.

Chris rolled his eyes, pulled his phone out, and said, “If that’s – fucking hell, it is.”

“Who is it?” Isak asked.

“Tomas,” Chris sighed, tapping out a reply. “He won’t leave me alone about this fucking party tonight.”

Isak pressed his lips together. “Are you going to go?”

Chris looked at Isak, quiet for a while. “I don’t have to,” he said.

Isak didn’t want him to go. He would have much preferred Chris to stay there, with him. Because Chris made him feel better, and safer, and things were just a little more tolerable when he was around. But he also didn’t want to smother him, to annoy him, to make him feel like he couldn’t go out and have fun. It was just that…parties and Chris usually only meant one thing: hooking up.

“No, you should go,” Isak said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Isak said quietly. “I trust you.”

Isak realised as he spoke the words that they weren’t really true. He didn’t trust Chris not to fuck this thing up between them. He could see, very clearly, Chris hooking up with someone at that party. Could see him getting too drunk and too flirty and taking things too far. Could see him realising that Isak wasn’t really worth it.

But he could also see Chris maybe, just maybe, staying faithful.

“It’ll be really shit,” Chris said, shrugging. “I’ll probably only stay for like, a couple of hours.”

It was a lie. The sports socials were some of Chris’ favourite nights, and Isak knew that. But he appreciated what Chris was saying all the same.

Isak smiled. “Okay.”

 

 

***

 

 

Thursday, 02:13AM

 

 **Chris** : Your’e hot

 **Isak** : you’re drunk

 **Chris** : Both true

 **Isak** : haha

how’s the party?

 **Chris** : Boring

Heading home now

Come over

 **Isak** : can’t, must sleep

 **Chris** : Fuck sleep

Actually scratch that,, fuck me ;)

 **Isak** : jeeeez

 **Chris** : No actually you’

You Should sleep

 

 **Isak** : i’m trying

someone’s keeping me up

 **Chris** : Hahahaha

Ok

I’m gone/

Goodnight

 **Isak** : goodnight :)

 **Chris** : <3

 

 

***

 

Thursday, 09:09

 

 **Isak** : hey can you take notes for me today

i’m not coming in

 **Jonas** : Sure. Everything ok?

 **Isak** : just stressed

 **Jonas** : Ok

Do you want to talk about it? I can come over tonight

 **Isak** : thanks, but seeing my mum tonight

I’ll be in tomorrow

 **Jonas** : Alright. Take care man

 **Isak** : you too

 

 

***

 

 

Thursday, 12:30

 

 **Lea** : are you coming for lunch with us next week?

 **Isak** : i don’t think so

 **Lea** : why not?

mum needs us right now, why are you so hell bent on ignoring her

 **Isak** : i’m seeing her today

stop listening to what dad says, i’m not ignoring her

i just don’t think it’d be good for mum to see us together seeing as you hate me right now

 **Lea** : oh yeah, it’s my fault you fucked up

 **Isak** : i came over to apologise and you didn’t want to hear it

I’m sorry I missed the appointment and you had to do it alone

It was really shit, I should’ve made sure I woke up in time

but I’ve got my own stuff going on as well

you wouldn’t know that because you didn’t want to talk to me until you needed something

so stop assuming you know everything and just grow up lea

 

***

 

Isak had fully intended to go to school on Thursday, but when he woke up, he found it much easier to stay in bed instead. Which was stupid, because later that morning he had to ignore a phone call from the school. He was almost certain he’d fucked up his 10%.

Isak didn’t even really get much more sleep that morning. His mind was still swimming with guilt and worry and he was just exhausted with it all; needed something to do. The idea of seeing his mum later suddenly felt like a welcome distraction; he just hoped she was doing okay.

Eskild had offered to give him another lift, but Isak decided he wanted to visit her alone this time. He ended up taking the bus and, at around six, arrived at the hospital.

When his mum hugged him, Isak felt himself hold on a little longer than he usually did.

“Hey, baby,” she said brightly. She pulled away, holding him by the shoulders. “Let me look at you.”

His mum looked better than she had done in months. Her hair was washed, her skin pinker, but there was something else different – something more. Her eyes were a little brighter and more focused, and they lit up when she smiled.

For some reason, it made Isak want to cry.

“You’re looking more and more like a young man every time I see you,” she said. “You need to stop growing.”

Isak laughed a little. His mum sat down on her bed and patted the space next to her, and Isak sat beside her.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“I’m good,” she said, nodding. “I’m good. My therapist is a genius. I think it’s really going to stick this time.”

Isak wished he could ignore the fact that she’d said that a thousand times before. “That’s good.”

“How about you? What’s new in your life?” his mum asked.

Isak laughed a little, staring at his knees. “I don’t know. Nothing I guess.”

“No? No boys?” she asked, nudging his shoulder. “Come on, give me some gossip.”

Isak smiled at her. Decided he might as well tell her something good. “Yeah, I guess…I don’t know. Do you remember Chris?”

“Lena Schistad’s son?”

“Yeah. We’ve, uh, had this thing…I guess we’re kind of official now,” Isak said. He was sure he'd mentioned this to her before, but she'd been in bed at the time. She probably didn't remember. 

“You and Chris?” she asked, beaming. “That’s great, Isak.”

Isak wrinkled his nose and looked at her a little uncertainly. “Are you sure? I thought you hated him.”

“I don’t hate Chris,” she said.

“Yeah, you do,” Isak said, shuffling a little. “He threw a plate at your head.”

“That’s why I like him,” she said.

Isak stared at her and laughed a little. “What?”

“Do you remember _why_ he threw a plate at my head?”

Isak was quiet for a while. Then, he said, “Because you tried to throw a glass at mine.”

Isak’s mum smiled and patted his thigh. “Exactly.”

Isak chewed his lip. Looked at his mother, who was smiling at him in a way that she hadn’t done in years. He stared back at his knees, legs shaking a little.

His mum frowned. “Is everything okay?”

Suddenly, Isak’s eyes filled with tears. He let out a breathy laugh and shook his head. Wiped a tear from his cheek irritably. “Yeah.” He stared at the floor again, then said, “Or, no, not really.”

“Talk to me.”

Isak licked his lips. He knew he shouldn’t burden his mum with something like this. He knew she was the last person he should be talking to about it, because who knew what kind of thoughts it could trigger in her. But he also knew that he was fed up with dealing with the heavy weight in his chest, with the guilt on his shoulders.

“I really fucked up.”

“Okay,” she said. “Well, let’s see if we can figure it out.”

And Isak looked at her and found the words tumbling clumsily out of his mouth. He told her about Even, about how he’d known Even had liked him; he told her about Chris, the cabin, how they broke things off and how he used Even as a distraction to get over Chris. Then, he paused.

“I…” Isak chewed his lip. “It’s just, he’s bipolar. And I didn’t know. And then on Tuesday he just…he completely snapped. He tried to – to jump off – to jump off a bridge. And I just feel like it was kind of my fault, because I used him and stuff. And some of the ideas he had…they were things we talked about. I just…yeah, I don’t fucking know. I just feel really guilty.”

His mum was quiet for a second. “He’s got bipolar?” she asked quietly.

Isak nodded.

“Then, sweetie, you can’t blame yourself for what happened to him. Saying it’s your fault he attempted suicide just because you treated him badly is like blaming yourself for someone getting lung cancer because you smoked a cigarette near them once.”

Isak looked at her. “You think so?”

She smiled and nodded. “I know so. Don’t tell me you’ve been dealing with all of this on your own, baby.”

Isak tilted his head from side to side. “I have people I can talk to about it, I just…” He sighed and shook his head, smiling a little. “I just haven’t, I guess.”

“Okay,” she said. “Um, where’s your friend now? Where’s Even?”

“He’s in hospital.”

She smiled a little. “Are you going to visit him?” she asked gently.

Isak shook his head quickly. “No, I don’t think so. I kind of…I feel like everything was kind of bullshit, you know? Like, he was never really my friend anyway.”

His mother frowned. “What makes you say that?”

“Because he just…” Isak let out a long, drawn-out sigh. “Because he’s been ill this whole time. It just feels like he never really wanted to know me anyway. Like, we were never friends because every time we talked it was just to…to…I don’t know. Him liking me was just part of his bipolar or, yeah, I don’t know.”

His mother was quiet for a long time. Then, her voice much lower now, she said, “Isak, I want you to listen to me very carefully.”

Isak looked at her.

“One of the things I’ve been learning in therapy is how to separate reality and fantasy. You know, sometimes my thoughts get a little muddled and I can’t distinguish between the two. And one of the things I’ve learnt is that the connections we make with people are almost always genuine. I know that sometimes I get confused and I think that you’re all plotting against me or that you’re trying to hurt me in some way, but…the deeper connection, Isak – that _bond_ – that is something that an illness can’t possibly fabricate. Even wanted to be your friend. He is your friend. He may be ill, but that bond you two share is real. Trust me.”

Isak felt a little warmth spread through him. “How can you be sure?”

“Because I’ve been battling this bastard of an illness for my entire life, and not for one second have I ever doubted loving you.”

Isak felt himself get red, and he stared at the floor again. He shrugged. “But I don’t – I don’t know what to fucking say to him. I used him.”

“Yeah,” she said. “And so you tell him you’re sorry. And you explain things. And maybe he’ll forgive you, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll understand, maybe he won’t.” She shrugged. “The world will keep turning either way.”

Isak swallowed hard. He didn’t really know what to say.

His mother squeezed his hand gently. “You’ll figure it out, baby. Just listen to God.”

“I don’t really believe in that stuff,” Isak muttered quietly.

His mother smiled. “Listen to your heart, then. It’s the same thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there isn’t a huge amount happening in this chapter (or the last one) in terms of drama, but I hope they’re still okay to read :)  
> Also, as we enter part 3, let me know if there’s anything in particular you’d like to see more(/less) of in this fic. I don’t mean in terms of plot (I’m kind of stubborn on that whoops I’m sorry) but in terms of tying things up, dynamics, characters etc! :)  
> ANOTHER ALSO: I know that a lot of the interactions with Sonja (and thus a lot of the updates on Even) are happening over text. I hope this doesn’t come across as lazy writing. The truth is I wanted to write more of her interacting face to face with the characters (a benefit of this is seeing Isak’s reaction/inner monologue to the news), but it just felt a little unnatural. For example, Isak is home in this chapter, and there really is no reason for Sonja to come over and explain all this in person to him, especially if he’s not even in Even’s house at that time and she doesn’t even know where Isak lives. I hope it isn’t too annoying to read but yeah, I don’t want to force scenes that don’t feel right :)


	26. Pick up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mention of suicide attempt & mention of physical abuse

Isak was sat in biology, staring blindly at the textbook before class started properly. He didn’t know when he’d fallen so behind, but now, his grades were abysmal. Despite not missing that many classes, he’d somehow fallen over a hundred pages behind.

On a brighter note, he felt a little better after speaking to his mum. Everything still felt like a lot, and he still wasn’t really sleeping, but he figured that his mother had been right. That Even’s interest had been genuine. That there was still a chance – albeit a small one – that he might want to be friends with Isak.

Sana sat down beside him, slamming her textbooks on the table forcefully. “ _There_ you are.”

“Hi, Sana,” Isak said, moving his notebook out of her space.

“You know that our grade has dropped by two points since last month,” she said. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “Or, yeah, I don’t know. I have a lot going on.”

“Well, you better sort your shit out soon.” She flipped through her textbook. “I’m not failing biology just because you’ve got drama going on.”

“You’ll fail biology whether I’ve got drama going on or not,” Isak said, grinning at her.

Despite herself, Sana smiled. “Shut up.”

 

***

 

Friday, 11:11

 

 **Chris** : Pretty boyyyy

You’re coming over to mine tonight

 **Isak** : i am?

 **Chris** : Yep

I’m picking you up from school

 **Isak** : pretty sure you need my consent

otherwise it’s just kidnapping

 **Chris** : Lol

Kinky

 **Isak** : haha shut up

i finish at 15:45

 **Chris** : I’ll be there

 **Isak** : stalker

 **Chris** : Haha<3

 

***

 

“What are you smiling at?”

Isak looked up to see Magnus peering curiously at his phone, trying to read what was on Isak’s screen.

“Are you texting Chris?”

Isak shoved his phone into his pocket and raised an eyebrow. “None of your business.”

“You so were!” Magnus said, as Mahdi and Jonas came to join them. “Boys, we called it. They’re fucking again.”

“Chris and Isak?” Jonas asked.

Isak rolled his eyes, but Magnus tugged on Isak’s scarf, exposing his love bite, and laughed. “Yep! Confirmed.”

Isak shoved Magnus playfully. “Get off.”

“When did this happen?” Jonas asked, hands in his pockets. They began walking to the café together.

“Saturday,” Isak said, shrugging. “He was a mess after the party, so I stayed at his place and…uh, yeah.”

Jonas shook his head, laughing a little. “I can’t believe you fell for his shit again, man.”

“I didn’t fall for anything,” Isak said, a little more defensively than he meant. More quietly, he added, “We’re kind of…official now, I guess.”

Magnus turned on him. “Serious?”

Isak nodded. “Or…I don’t know. We’re taking it slow, but he said he isn’t hooking up with anyone else, so.”

Magnus whistled. “You’re so fucking lucky, man, I’d _love_ to date a bisexual.”

The three boys turned to him, looking a little confused. Isak laughed. “Why?”

“Because!” Magnus said. “I’ve always wanted to have a threesome.”

Jonas and Mahdi groaned, and Isak just laughed. “You think all bisexuals are up for threesomes?”

Magnus looked confused. “What? Aren't they?”

“No,” Mahdi said.

“Where did you hear that from?” Jonas asked, shaking his head.

Magnus shrugged. “I saw it on TV.”

“On TV? Not while you were watching porn?” Isak asked.

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Chris has had a threesome, though, hasn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Isak said, pushing the door to the café open. “But that’s just because he wanted one. Not because he’s bisexual.”

Magnus frowned. “But bisexuals have more sex than everyone else, right?” he asked.

“More sex than you, maybe, but that’s not saying a lot,” Isak said, and Jonas and Mahdi laughed.

Once they’d found a table in the café and had sat down to eat their lunch, Jonas said, “What happened with that other guy? Even?”

At the mention of his name, Isak’s eyes fell to the table. He picked absently at his food and felt his cheeks redden. “Uh, yeah, that’s actually why I didn’t come in this week.”

“What happened?” Mahdi asked.

“He…he completely snapped,” Isak said. “He’s bipolar, and he rang me on Tuesday and he was just…” Isak shook his head. “He was talking crazy, like, he wasn’t really making any sense. And then he tried to jump off a bridge.”

The boys all exchanged wide-eyed expressions and gasped. “What?” asked Jonas.

Isak nodded. "Something about wanting to control his thoughts. He had this idea they were creating too many universes or something, I don't know."

“Holy fuck,” Magnus said.

“Yeah,” Isak said. He shook his head. “I mean, he didn’t actually jump. The police got there first. But it kind of fucked with my head, and I was a mess already because of all the stuff with Lea, so.”

“Lea?” Jonas asked.

Isak hadn’t realised how much he hadn’t told them. “Yeah,” he said. “She, uh, rang me because she needed an abortion. The appointment was on Monday, but I overslept and…” He waved his hand dismissively. “Yeah. It was a mess.”

“So since we last saw you, you and Chris are official, Lea’s had an abortion and Even attempted suicide? All within the space of a week?” Magnus asked.

Isak nodded.

Magnus raised his eyebrows, eyes wide, and let out a long breath. “Fucking hell, bro, how are you still standing?”

“I have whiplash just _listening_ to that,” Mahdi said.

Isak laughed and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“No wonder you took the week off,” Magnus said, leaning back on his chair, stretching. “How’s Even now?”

Isak looked at his hands. “Um, in hospital.” He shrugged, shoulders heavy. “We haven’t spoken since, but yeah, I think he’s getting help.”

“Why haven’t you talked?” Magnus asked.

“I don’t want to fuck up his recovery,” Isak said.

Jonas frowned. “What do you mean?”

Isak paused. “I…I just feel like I treated him like shit. Like, I was using him to get over Chris, and obviously Chris and I are together now and…and so Even probably doesn’t want to see me at the moment. And I know I could…I _should_ go over and apologise or…but…” He trailed off, unsure where he was going.

“Yeah, but…” Jonas frowned. “I mean, fucking hell, you never promised him anything, Isak.”

Isak stared at him. “I knew he liked me and I just used him as a distraction.”

“You never said you liked him back, did you?” Jonas asked.

Isak chewed his lip. “No.”

“So it’s not like you were playing him,” Jonas said. “He liked you, you weren’t sure whether you liked him…the only way to figure it out was to hang out with him more, right?”

Isak frowned. “I guess. But—”

“And he had just come out of a six year relationship,” Mahdi said. “He was probably using you as a distraction as well.”

“Yeah, but what if he wasn’t?” Isak asked. “I don’t know. I just feel like a dick.”

“Just talk to him,” Magnus said. “We can all sit here talking about how Even feels, but the only one who _really_ knows how he feels is Even himself. You won’t know what’s going on in his head until you talk to him. ”

Isak looked at him, and Magnus just shrugged and said, “It’s not going to fuck up his recovery. It’ll probably help him to know where you two stand.”

Isak chewed his lip and raised his eyebrows. “Yeah,” he said, feeling a little lighter than he had before. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

 

***

 

When Isak got out of school, Chris was leaning against his car, typing on his phone with a cigarette teased between his teeth. Isak tried to concentrate on the conversation he was having with Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas, but all he could really think about was how good Chris looked in the shirt he was wearing. _My shirt,_ he realised suddenly.

“…good parties, but ultimately it’s just a way to enforce the idea that you have to obey some sort of bullshit societal norm in order to – Isak?”

“Mm?” Isak said distractedly. “Oh, yeah, I know.”

Jonas stared at him. “Were you even listening?”

“Yeah, of course,” Isak said, licking his lips. He caught Chris’ eye, and Chris grinned, nodded at him, and put his phone in his jacket. “I, uh, have to go.”

“Is that how it is now?” Magnus asked. “What happen to bros before blows?”

“Sorry,” Isak said, walking backwards so he could carry on facing them. “I’ll text you.”

“Bullshit, no you won’t,” Mahdi said, shaking his head, but he was smiling.

Isak walked up to Chris, who immediately clasped Isak’s face in his hands and kissed him hungrily. Isak laughed into it a little awkwardly and pushed Chris back, just an inch or so, so that their lips separated.

“Hey,” Isak said.

Chris was grinning, curling an arm around Isak’s shoulders. “Hey,” he said, voice low.

“You know my friends are watching, right?” Isak asked, smiling, brushing some of Chris’ hair away from his eyes. 

Chris looked over Isak’s shoulder and laughed. Isak wasn’t sure who leant in, but soon they were kissing again; Chris kind of leant back onto his car, and Isak stumbled forwards, clumsily continuing the kiss. Chris’ hands travelled from Isak’s shoulders, down his back, and settled on his arse, squeezing it, at which point Isak kind of squeaked. He grabbed Chris’ hand, moving it away from his jeans and towards Chris’ chest, laughing and shoving him a little. Chris interlocked their fingers and began swinging their hands together playfully. He grinned at Isak, squinting a little in the sun, then placed one last quick, brief kiss to Isak’s lips.

“Let’s go home,” Chris said.

 

***

“How was the party?” Isak asked as Chris bopped his head to a song on the radio.

“Party?” Chris asked. “Oh, Wednesday.” He took his hand off the steering wheel for a second and waved it dismissively. “It was bullshit.”

Isak swallowed. He hadn’t realised how much the party had been playing on his mind until that moment. “Did you hook up with anyone?”

Chris looked at him and nodded. “Yeah, like, four chicks.”

Isak stared at him, then felt a smile creep up on his lips. “Arsehole.”

Chris laughed and smacked Isak’s chest. “I told you, didn’t I? Just you.”

Isak nodded, feeling relief flood through him. “Just me.” He tried to ignore the part of him that said Chris wouldn't say if he _had_ hooked up with anyone. He wanted to believe him.

They were quiet for a while, then Chris looked at him briefly and said, “Have you decided if you’re coming with us to see Even tomorrow?”

Isak wrinkled his nose. “Yeah. I, uh, I think it’d be better if I saw him by myself.”

"On your own?" Chris’ eyes flitted over him for a second. “Why’s that?” he asked casually.

Isak shrugged. “We just have stuff to talk through, I don’t know. I think it’d be better for us to talk on our own before he sees” – Isak gestured vaguely to himself and to Chris – “before he sees this. Us.”

Chris pressed his lips together and nodded. “Yeah, okay,” he said.

Isak frowned. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, whatever you thinks best,” he said, and turned the radio up again.

 

***

 

They were already kissing when they got to the front door, and they broke apart only so that Chris could turn the key in the lock. It was laughing, it was wandering hands, it was playful and easy. Their awkward conversation in the car was already forgotten.

As they entered the house, though, they realised they didn’t have it to themselves.

“Hi, guys,” Hanna said busily. The radio was blaring cheesy pop songs, and Hanna was in the kitchen, which was covered in flour and dough and chocolate and a million mixing bowls. It smelt amazing, though; like the inside of a bakery.

Chris peered over one of the bowls and tried to dip his finger into the mixture, but Hanna pushed him away.

“Ah – no,” she said fiercely. She had flour on her nose and in her hair, and her cheeks were a little red. “God knows where your hands have been.”

Chris laughed and shook his head, frowning. “What’s all this for?”

He picked up a bowl and peered inside, but Hanna snatched it from him and placed it back on the counter. “ _Don’t_ ,” she said. “I have a _system_.” She sighed, pushing some of the hair that had escaped her ponytail out of her eyes, smearing more flour over her face. “I’m making cakes. One to take to Even tomorrow, and one to give to my grandmother on Sunday.”

"None for your housemate?” Chris asked, grinning.

“You get cake as a reward if you come tomorrow."

Chris rolled his eyes. "I _told_ you, I'm coming-"

"I'll believe it when I see it," Hanna said. "Now, the _real_ question is whether we give Even the chocolate one or the coconut one. Because I was thinking, I know my grandma _likes_ the coconut cake, and I don’t actually know what Even likes. Chocolate is the safe option because, I mean, who hates chocolate? But then I was thinking, Even drinks so much of that horrible coconut water stuff…so maybe he’d prefer coconut…but coconut water doesn’t really _taste_ that much of coconuts, so maybe –”

Chris moved to cup Hanna’s face. “Hanna,” he said, raising his eyebrows and looking at her seriously, “you need to get laid.”

Hanna scoffed, pushing him away. “Excuse you, I got laid last week!” she said.

Chris shrugged. “Well, he can’t have done a very good job,” he said.

He leant over and dipped his hand into some chocolate icing, then dashed away quickly towards the hall, sucking his finger and grinning as Hanna moved to swat him with her tea towel.

They were laughing when they got back into Chris’ room, a little breathless, cheeks red. When they closed the door their laughter died down, but their smiles lingered. Chris looked at his hand, which was still covered in chocolate, and shoved it playfully at Isak’s face. And Isak didn’t really know what made him do it, but when Chris’ hand skated over Isak’s lips, Isak opened his mouth and sucked the chocolate off one of Chris’ fingers. And he’d expected Chris to laugh, to tease him, to call him gross for doing it or whatever. But instead, Chris had just stared at him, breathing a little heavier, mouth open, eyes on Isak’s lips, mesmerised. And that look had caught Isak so off guard that he stopped what he was doing. Met Chris’ eyes, which were dark, pupils blown wide.

“Come here,” Chris murmured, and he moved his hand to cup Isak’s face and kissed him, hungrily and messily and desperately, and with such force that Isak almost lost his balance. He settled a hand in Chris’ hair, tugging gently, before breaking the kiss briefly to shrug his jacket off. When their lips met again, Isak made a strange little noise of surprise as Chris picked him up; Isak’s legs wrapped naturally around Chris’ waist and he continued kissing him, hands on Chris’ shoulders, squeezing gently as Chris carried him towards the bed. He lay Isak down there and quickly crawled on top of him.

“You’re so” – he kissed Isak’s neck – “fucking” – his cheek – “hot,” he finished, grinding down and meeting Isak’s lips again.

Isak moaned into it – into the feeling of Chris, hard against him; Chris, who only wanted to hook up with him, Isak, despite being able to have anyone he wanted.

Isak propped himself up a little and tugged his shirt off. Then, he moved to pull Chris' shirt off him. And it was the smallest thing – the smallest moment of apprehension that flashed across Chris’ eyes - but it made a blue curiosity rush through Isak’s head. And Chris tried to hide it; tried to shrug his shirt away like it wasn’t a big deal, like he didn’t care, but Isak knew that he _did_ , and he also knew what to expect when Chris’ shirt came off.

The bruises on his ribs were still there, and Isak briefly wondered whether he’d imagined Chris' hesitation, but then he saw them.

The new bruises were scattered across Chris’ upper arms, blue and sore, and they kind of confused Isak at first. They weren’t exactly the types of bruises you’d get from being punched. It took him a little while to realise they must've been left by someone's hands. That the bruises were fingerprints.

“Your dad?”

Chris scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You know how to kill the mood, Isak.”

He tried to lean in for another kiss, but Isak moved away a little. “Was it?”

Chris sighed. “Who else would it be?” He began messing with the buckle on Isak’s belt. “Don't worry. It’s not a big deal.”

Isak sighed. Closed his eyes as Chris tugged his jeans down, trying to get back in the mood. He shook his head. “No, Chris, wait,” he said.

Chris stopped and rolled off him. “What?” he snapped, running a hand through his hair. “You want to talk about this _now_? When we’re about to fuck?”

“Yeah, well, it’s not exactly a turn-on to see—”

Immediately, Isak realised he’d said the wrong thing. Chris laughed humourlessly and raised his eyebrows. “Wow, okay.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Isak said quickly, feeling his cheeks redden. “I just meant…I mean, they weren’t there on the weekend, that’s all.”

Chris just shrugged. “We had an argument.”

Isak pulled his knees to his chest. “What about?” he asked.

“Just bullshit father-son stuff. It’s fine, it’s sorted now,” he said.

“It isn’t _fine_ , Chris,” Isak said quietly.

“You know what I mean,” Chris said. “It is what it is. It’s not like he’ll change. And I know it sounds so fucking cliché, but I _do_ drive him to it. I’m a fucking brat.”

“Yeah, but…” Isak shook his head wildly. “But you should be able to piss off your dad without worrying about him…him…fucking _battering_ you like that.”

“Are we done?” Chris snapped.

“Yeah,” Isak said quietly. “Yeah, if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“Good,” Chris said irritably, getting up and grabbing a towel. “I’m going for a shower.”

 

***

Isak let Chris have the shower for a few minutes before deciding to go in and join him. He slipped his clothes off and Chris turned briefly to look at Isak, scanning his body once before turning away again.

Isak stepped inside and moved behind Chris. He snaked his hands around Chris’ middle, placing kisses on the back of Chris’ wet neck, warm water trickling down the two of them.

“I’m sorry,” Isak said.

Chris kind of sighed into him, leaning back, and they stayed like that for a little while: Isak’s chest against Chris’ back, Isak’s lips against Chris’ neck, letting the warm water soothe them both. Eventually, Chris turned to face Isak.

“I’m sorry,” Isak said again, and Chris nodded. Moved a hand to Isak’s face and brushed his lips.

“Forget it,” Chris said, and Isak closed the gap and kissed him.

 

***

 

Chris fell asleep quite quickly that night. He was splayed out like a starfish, one leg hanging off the bed, arms stretched out either side of him. And Isak just looked at him, and his eyes drifted to the fingerprint bruises on Chris’ arms again.

He wondered how it made Chris feel. Was he scared, or was the abuse something he was used to now? Did he just expect it, or was every new punch or kick a surprise? Isak couldn’t really decide what would be worse.

And how long had it been happening for? Isak had been to Chris’ family home a couple of times and he had seen photos of Chris as a child. He’d looked happy enough. But then, anyone who looked at recent photos of Chris now would think that he seemed happy too. How long had his dad put him through his? Did Chris’ mother know? Did she care? And if she did, why did she keep going back to his dad?

Isak felt a horrible wave of sadness wash over him. He couldn’t shake the image of Chris’ father grabbing Chris forcefully by the arms, shaking him, and Chris scrunching up his face in fear of getting hit again…

Isak moved nearer to Chris, pressing their foreheads together, settling under Chris’ arm and pulling him closer to him. And Isak breathed him in. Tried to silently tell him that he was here. He wasn’t going anywhere. He wouldn’t hurt him. And that he would protect him, if he could.

Isak was just drifting to sleep when Chris’ phone began ringing. Chris stirred, clumsily grabbing his phone from the bedside table and rejecting the call without looking at who it was. Phone still in hand, he settled close to Isak and fell asleep again relatively quickly. His phone buzzed once, but Chris didn’t move this time.

Isak couldn’t help it; his eyes drifted to the screen, which was bright with an incoming text, perfectly readable in Chris’ open hand.

 

Friday, 23:21

 

 **Lukas:** Pick up. Need to talk to you about Sunday.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEK. Shit get ready to meet the fan.  
> Thank you for the comments on the last chapter! I didn't have time to reply to them today because I wanted to get this chapter up tonight, so I'll reply go through and reply to them now!! I really appreciate each and every one, thank you all so much!! <3  
> P.S. I know Even isn't mentioned much in this chapter but I promise he'll make an appearance soon!


	27. It wasn't fair on you

Isak lay in bed with his head spinning. On the one hand, the text from Lukas could mean nothing. It could be Lukas extending an olive branch, asking to talk about the fight at the supermarket last Sunday. Isak wanted, badly, to believe that was the case.

On the other hand, it could mean something else. They could have arranged plans this weekend. Maybe they were fixing their friendship, and that shouldn’t have pissed Isak off as much as it did. He didn’t have the right to control Chris. But Lukas was horrible, and he’d treated Isak like shit – and he’d treated _Chris_ like shit, too. And as much as Isak wished he didn’t care, he couldn’t help feeling a little hurt at the idea that still, after all this, Chris was willing to be friends with someone who treated others so badly. Who treated _Isak_ so badly.

He turned and stared at Chris’ phone. It would be so easy to reach over and pry it from his hands. Isak knew the passcode; he could go into Chris’ inbox and read his messages. Find out for himself how much they’d spoken and what they’d spoken about. The idea was so tempting, and Isak’s fingers reached out for the phone, gently, quietly, so he didn’t stir Chris.

 _No_ , he told himself firmly, and retracted his hand. Because he knew if this thing between them was going to work, they needed to talk about these things. Not just sneak behind each other’s back and make assumptions based on information they had no context for.

He would ask Chris in the morning.

It was a good job Isak hadn’t grabbed Chris’ phone, anyway, because a few seconds later it rang again.

Isak closed his eyes as Chris woke up. Heard Chris sigh and swear under his breath. Felt Chris’ weight leave the bed and heard his bedroom door shut as he answered the phone and said, “Yeah? Yeah, I’m awake.”

Isak rolled onto his side, straining his ears. He could only make out Chris’ muffled voice, tone serious, but occasionally he’d break out of it and laugh. And Isak tried – really, really tried – not to get angry, but he couldn’t help it.

Around ten minutes later, Chris came back into the bedroom. Isak closed his eyes as Chris climbed back into bed and curled himself around Isak, kissing the back of Isak’s neck, wrapping an arm around Isak’s waist and pulling him closer. And usually Isak would have found it warm and comforting, but in that moment, all he could focus on was how heavy Chris’ limbs felt around him and how uncomfortably hot his breath was against his neck.

When Chris fell asleep again, Isak wriggled free from his embrace.

 

***

 

Isak didn’t get much sleep that night. It came in waves, but never lasted longer than half an hour. In the end, when he woke up again at 7AM, he decided to get up and grab some breakfast.

Hanna was already sat at the kitchen table, cheeks red, face sweaty, hair scraped into a tight bun on the top of her head. She was scrolling through her phone, but looked up when Isak entered the room.

“You’re up early,” she said brightly.

“Yeah,” Isak muttered. “I, uh, couldn’t sleep, so.” He looked at her. “Why are you up?”

“I’ve just got back from a run,” she said. “If I don’t do it as soon as I wake up, I won’t do it at all.”

“Oh,” Isak said, nodding, as though it was something he could completely relate to.

“Do you want some smoothie?” she asked, getting up.

“Uh,” Isak said, but Hanna had already grabbed a glass and was filling it with green sludge from the blender.

“It tastes better than it looks,” she said, handing it to him.

Isak took the glass and nodded a little, sitting down in the seat opposite her. “What’s, um, what’s in it?”

Hanna sighed and looked up thoughtfully. “Kale, orange, ginger, cinnamon…protein powder…” She trailed off and shook her head. “I don’t know, I kind of just threw everything together and hoped for the best. Taste it, it’s good.”

Isak took a tentative sip and had to stop himself from wrinkling his nose in disgust. He nodded. “Mm, it’s good,” he mumbled, as convincingly as he could.

Hanna sighed at him, laughing a little and shaking her head. “There’s chocolate milk in the fridge.”

Isak smirked. “Thanks.”

“Are you coming to see Even with us today?” Hanna asked, as Isak wandered to the fridge and grabbed the milk.

He shook his head. “Nah, I think I’ll go another time. It’ll be too awkward with Chris there.”

Hanna nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

Isak sat back opposite her and tapped his fingers on the glass nervously. He swallowed and said, as quickly as he could, “I’m just a little nervous he’ll be mad at me when he sees me.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Hanna said, shaking her head. “He was happy to see Sonja and Mikael, even after everything that happened between the three of them.”

“After what?” Isak asked.

Hanna looked at him. “You didn’t know?”

“I know he had drama with his ex,” Isak said, shrugging. “That they were together for six years but grew apart or whatever. I don’t know. I didn’t really ask him about it that much.”

Hanna looked at him for a while, weighing him up. Eventually, she shook her head. “Everyone knows anyway, so I don’t suppose there’s any harm in telling you.”

“Telling me what?” Isak asked.

“That she cheated on Even,” Hanna said. “That they – she cheated on him with Mikael, who was Even’s best friend.”

Isak stared at her. “Seriously?”

Hanna nodded, taking another sip of her smoothie. “Even wanted to forgive her and take her back – you know, they’d been together for so long and everything – but Sonja…she’d fallen in _love_ with Mikael. And in the process, she’d sort of fallen _out_ of love with Even.”

Isak tried to soak in the information. “Fucking hell,” he said.

“I know,” Hanna said. “Sonja hated herself for it. She lost a lot of friends. They all thought she should have stayed with Even, seeing as he’s got bipolar disorder and everything, and he relied on her so much…but, I mean, you can’t just stay with someone out of guilt. That’s not fair on anyone. And you definitely shouldn’t pretend to love them when you don’t.”

“Yeah,” Isak said, a little numbly.

Hanna looked at him and smiled. “So don’t worry. Even will be happy to see you, I’m sure. And you’re not the only one whose nervous about seeing him, either.”

“No?”

“No!” Hanna said, shaking her head wildly. “I’m terrified.”

“ _You’re_ terrified?” Isak asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hanna nodded vehemently, taking another swig of her smoothie. “Mm! Do you know how many times I’ve read that visitor’s leaflet? I had to ring the hospital last night to ask if it was okay that I was bringing a cake in. I thought I’d be breaking some big rule or something.”

Isak laughed. “You thought the hospital would ban cakes?”

“Well, I don’t know!” she replied, giggling. Once she stopped, she smiled at him. “My point is, this is new for all of us. And it’s _scary_. But the most important thing is that we’re supporting Even, you know? As long as we try and be there for him, then…that’s all we can do.”

Isak nodded, staring at his glass. Hanna rubbed his arm reassuringly. “It’ll be fine,” she told him.

“Yeah,” Isak said, chewing his lip. “I hope so.”

 

***

 

Isak was watching TV when Chris came into the living room and flopped down on the sofa beside him, grinning. He could feel Chris’ eyes on him, but he stared pointedly at the screen.

“Hey,” Chris said.

Isak continued to stare at the screen. “Hey."

He felt Chris’ hand on his cheek, turning Isak to face him. Chris’ grin widened and he leant in to kiss Isak, but Isak turned away so that Chris’ lips grazed his cheek instead.

Chris’ smile fell. “What’s up?” he asked.

Isak looked at him and sighed. _Fuck it._ “What did Lukas want?”

“What?” Chris asked, scoffing. When Isak said nothing, Chris pressed his lips together and shrugged. “How’d you find out?”

“I overheard you on the phone to him,” Isak said. He stared at Chris, trying to make himself look less vulnerable than he felt. “Are you two friends again, or?”

“We’re not _friends_ ,” Chris said defensively, sitting up.

“Okay,” Isak said slowly. “I mean, good, because he’s a fucking arsehole.”

“I know,” Chris snapped.

“Why are you still talking to him, then?” Isak asked quietly.

Chris scoffed. “What, you’re going to control who I can and can’t talk to now?”

“No,” Isak said, feeling anger bubbling inside him. “But…just…” Isak sighed and shook his head, standing up. “Fuck it. You should know why this would fucking upset me, Chris.”

“Yeah, I knew it would upset you and that’s why I didn’t tell you!” Chris said irritably, following Isak into the kitchen.

Isak turned around quickly. “Like _that’s_ supposed to make me feel better? Fucking hell, Chris, if you think something will upset me then don’t _do_ it – don’t just do it and keep quiet about it!”

“Yeah but if it’s something I have to do then –”

“No one’s _making_ you be friends with Lukas, Chris, he’s a fucking—”

“My dad is! My dad’s making me!” Chris snapped, chest rising and falling rapidly, and Isak hadn’t realised how red Chris’ cheeks had gotten or how much he was trembling.

Isak stepped back. “What?”

Chris rolled his eyes, sighed, and ran a hand through his hair before taking a cigarette from his pocket. Isak followed him outside.

“I didn’t tell you because I knew it would freak you out,” Chris said quietly, leaning against the wall. He took a drag from the cigarette and stared at the sky, blowing the smoke away slowly.

“Knew that what would freak me out?” Isak asked.

Snow began to fall again, and Chris put his hood up and looked at Isak. In the winter sun, his dark brown eyes almost looked green. Isak could see the flecks of gold scattered in them clearly; could see just how many different shades of brown his eyes contained.

“I just need to keep the peace with him for a week,” Chris said. “I’m seeing him next Sunday, then that’s it. I don’t have to talk to him again.”

Isak stared at Chris, some of his resolve leaving him. He wanted to keep pushing Chris – to ask him more – but he had a feeling Chris wasn’t going to give him any answers today. And he didn’t want to argue anymore.

“Okay,” Isak said. He felt embarrassed, for some stupid reason, but he made himself look at Chris when he said, “Everything’s okay, though, right?”

Chris nodded quickly, chewing his lip before breaking into a smile and shaking his head. “Don’t worry about me, pretty boy, I’ll be fine.”

 

***

 

Saturday, 15:52

 **Isak** : hey

 **Hanna** : Helloooo

 **Isak** : how are you?

 **Hanna** : Good thanks, just got back from seeing Even

 **Isak** : how was he?

 **Hanna** : Yeah, he was okay! He was a bit tired and groggy from the medication, but he ate some cake and we chatted for a bit. When are you going to see him?

 **Isak** : was thinking maybe tomorrow

 **Hanna** : I think he’d like that :)

 **Isak** : did he ask about me?

 **Hanna** : Yes, he was a bit worried that you wouldn’t want to talk to him

 **Isak** : that i wouldn’t talk to him? why?

 **Hanna** : I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him yourself

 **Isak** : alright

did he get on with chris ok?

 **Hanna** : It was a bit awkward at first but it was fine after cake

It went well, it was a good visit. Don’t worry :)

 **Isak** : ok

thanks

 **Hanna** : <333

 

***

 

Isak had to practically drag himself to the hospital to visit Even. He didn’t want to go – he hated hospitals anyway, and going by himself was terrifying. But he also knew it was something he had to do, and that he would hopefully feel better after doing it.

Despite everything, though, he still couldn’t quite shake the idea that Even would blame him for everything.

“It’s completely normal for him to be a little confused or withdrawn,” the nurse was telling him busily as she led him through the halls. “It’s just the medication and the side effects of his illness.”

“Okay,” Isak said quietly.

“And it’s early days, so don’t expect any miracles.”

They passed several patients on the way, most of whom had visitors. Isak only really had experience with the private hospital his mum stayed in, which was a lot better than this. This hospital, though clean and filled with friendly enough staff, felt darker somehow. Maybe it was because it was for people who’d been admitted after a full-blown crisis.

He swallowed thickly as the nurse knocked on Even’s door. “Even, you have a visitor.”

Even was sat on his bed, book resting closed on his lap. His hair was clean and soft and golden, tucked behind his ears and away from his face. He looked at Isak, eyes tired and heavy and surrounded by dark circles.

Isak smiled nervously. “Hey.”

Even blinked a few times before casting his eyes downward. “Hey,” he said quietly, voice hoarse.

Isak licked his lips and kind of stood there for a bit, an awkward silence hanging over them. “Um, how are you?”

Even swallowed. He didn’t say anything, and Isak realised that maybe he’d asked a stupid question. Obviously, Even wasn’t fine.

Isak chewed his lip, wondering whether he should stay or not. He’d gotten this far, though, so he put his bag on the floor and moved into Even’s room. A few photos were hung on the walls, along with sketches from his bedroom.

“Did Hanna bring these over?” Isak asked, turning to look at Even again.

Even dragged his eyes to the sketches and stared at them for a long while, eyes glossy and unfocused. Then, he nodded a little.

Isak smiled. “Uh, they’re good. How – ”

“You should go,” Even told him.

Isak felt like someone had smacked him. Even just stared at his lap again. “Why?” he asked, voice quiet.

“Because I’ve hurt you too much already,” Even said. He swallowed, eyes teary.

Isak frowned. “What?”

Even looked up at Isak and pressed his lips together. He shrugged, shoulders heavy. “I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”

“You didn’t – I’ve just been worried about you, that’s all. We all have,” Isak said.

“I shouldn’t never have called you when I was on that bridge,” Even continued, frowning. “You must’ve been terrified.”

Isak’s mouth hung open a little stupidly. Of all the things he’d expected Even to be feeling, guilt wasn’t really one of them. “I was,” he said honestly, moving to sit at the foot of Even’s bed. “But, um, I’m glad you rang me. I wouldn’t – I’m glad you – yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t mind.”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you either,” Even said quickly. He swallowed hard. “It wasn’t fair on you.”

Isak sat back and let out a bark of disbelieving laughter. “What?”

“It’s true,” Even told him seriously. “I hate myself for how I treated you.”

“I – _what_?” Isak repeated.

“I knew you liked Chris,” Even continued. “I knew he liked you too. And I kissed you anyway. Your head must have been a mess, I – ”

“I kissed you back, Even,” Isak said. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He had never anticipated _Even_ feeling guilty for kissing Isak. It should have been the other way around. “You can’t – it was shitty of _me_ to kiss you when I didn’t…” He trailed off, biting his lip.

“When you didn’t like me back,” Even finished, nodding. He shook his head. “But I knew that anyway.”

Isak stared at Even, and he could almost _see_ the toll all these thoughts were having on him; could see the heaviness in him, like his shoulders and head and limbs were aching with the weight of it all. He wanted so desperately to be the one that could fix all this for him, but he wasn’t sure he could be. He wasn’t sure _anyone_ could fix it for Even, really.

Isak sat up a little straighter, looking at Even with renewed determination. “How about…how about we stop blaming ourselves for a second?”

Even simply looked at him, but his eyes lit up with a quiet, kind of hopeful curiosity.

“We can’t – I hated myself for kissing you when I knew I had feelings for Chris,” Isak said. “ _You_ hated yourself for kissing me when you knew I had feelings for Chris. But we can’t carry on like this. We can’t just…hate and blame ourselves forever. We need to start being a little more fucking easy on ourselves.”

Even fell quiet and began playing with the spine of the book in his lap. Then, very quietly, he murmured, “I don’t know how.”

Isak sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I don’t know how either.” He smiled a little sadly. “You’re probably in the best place to figure it out, though.”

They were quiet again, and Isak licked his lips a little nervously. He looked down. He didn’t know if now was the best time to tell Even this – in fact, he knew it probably wasn’t – but he found the words tumbling out of his mouth anyway. “I’m, uh, with Chris again now.”

 The corners of Even’s mouth twitched upwards a little. He looked at Isak, and Isak felt himself kind of shrink at the gaze Even gave him.

“I know,” Even said. Then, when Isak simply frowned, Even added, “Chris told me yesterday.”

“Oh,” Isak replied, nodding. _Of course._ He scratched his neck a little awkwardly. “Okay. Yeah. But, um, I really like hanging out with you.” He made sure he looked at Even when he said it. “So maybe we just…we can be friends, you know. If you still want to be. And, uh, maybe next time I visit I’ll bring your Baz Lurhman collection and you can try convincing me he’s a good director.”

Even smiled, just a little bit, but it was enough to make his eyes crinkle at the corners.

“Okay,” he said.

 

***

 

Sunday, 17:17

 

 **Chris** : Fun with Even?

 **Isak** : it was good yea

thought he’d be mad at me for using him to get over you but we talked and decided to be friends so

 **Chris** : Lol ok

Cabin next weekend?

 **Isak** : what?

 **Chris** : Come to my dad’s cabin with me next weekend

 **Isak** : thought you were meeting lukas

 **Chris** : Fuck Lukas

 **Isak** : are you sure?

 **Chris** : Yep

 **Isak** : as long as we don’t get interrupted this time

 **Chris** : Haha

We won’t

Just me and you

 **Isak** : ok :)

 **Chris** : <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was a little clunky, still not sure how I feel about it!!  
> Comments really, really keep me motivated, so thank you so much for them!! <3333


	28. We have to talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: panic attacks, mentions of abuse

Isak didn’t have nearly as much free time as he’d hoped he’d have over the next week. Sana had texted him every morning, making sure he was coming into school, and she even forced him to give up his lunch break so they could go over biology notes together. He’d tried to say no, but the look she’d given him had convinced him to do as he was told.

“You’re not concentrating,” Sana told him.

“I am!” Isak snapped.

“You’re on your phone,” Sana said.

“I’m just replying to a text – give me a second –”

“You’ve been replying to _multiple_ texts,” Sana said irritably. “I’m not doing all the work _for_ us, Isak.”

“Okay, okay, fine,” Isak said, sighing, putting his phone in his pocket.

Sana looked at him, frowning. “Who were you texting, anyway?”

“Chris,” Isak said, opening his textbook.

“My Chris?” Sana asked.

It took Isak a second to realise who she meant. Then, he shook his head. “No, no, not her. Chris Schistad.”

“Penetrator Chris?”

Isak scoffed. “No one calls him that anymore. But uh, yeah.”

“You’re still hooking up?” Sana asked, raising her eyebrows and widening her eyes as she returned to her book. “Wow.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Isak asked.

“Nothing,” Sana said. “You can have sex with whoever you like, it’s not my business.”

Isak wasn’t sure why she was grating on him so much. “Well, we’re together now, so it’s not just _having_ _sex_ ,” he said.

Sana looked up and narrowed her eyes. “You’re together? Since when?”

“I don’t know, like, a week or something,” Isak mumbled.

“A week?” Sana asked.

“Yeah. Or, I don’t know, ten days? Since the Monday before last.” He shook his head. “Why does it matter?”

Sana was still frowning, eyes looking down. “But – ” she began, but the bell rang, cutting her off.

Isak grabbed his bag and shoved his textbook inside, then threw it over his shoulder.

“Isak,” Sana said, “wait—“

“It’s the end of lunch, Sana,” Isak said, waving a dismissive hand towards her. “I have other classes to pass as well as biology.”

 

***

 

Wednesday, 16:44

 

 **Lea** : hey

 **Isak** : hey

 **Lea** : just wanted to say sorry for snapping at you the other day

I mean you’re a dick but you’re right I never checked in on what was going on in your life

 **Isak** : don’t worry about it

 **Lea** : are you sure? I feel like shit

 **Isak** : don’t stress <3

 **Lea** : thanks<3

are you coming for lunch with us on Saturday?

 **Isak** : shit sorry i arranged to go to my boyfriend’s cabin

i can cancel tho

 **Lea** : no don’t its ok

 **Isak** : are you sure?

 **Lea** : ye

are you free next Monday?

 **Isak** : i’ll be free after school yea

why?

 **Lea** : they’re sending mum home in two weeks, thought it’d be a good idea to go and give the house a clean before she moves back in

could use some help

 **Isak** : yea ok i’ll be there

 **Lea** : ok :)

 **Isak** : was that a smiley?!

 **Lea** : shut up

don’t oversleep this time

 **Isak** : haha! I wont

 **Lea** : and I want to hear all about the idiot dumb enough to date you

 **Isak** **:** lmao ok

 

***

 

It was probably a bad idea to invite Chris over while Isak was trying to study.

In all fairness, they _had_ done some work, for about half an hour. Then Chris had gotten bored and began planting hot, open kisses against Isak’s neck. Isak was lying on his bed staring at his textbook, trying to ignore the feel of Chris’ body against his back and the way Chris’ kisses were making the hair on his arms stand up.

Okay, maybe Isak wasn’t trying _that_ hard to ignore it, but it was kind of fun to tease Chris by ignoring him.

Chris trailed kisses down Isak’s covered back, then pushed Isak’s shirt up just a little to kiss the skin at the base of Isak’s spine, fingers pulling gently at the belt loops on Isak’s jeans. Isak closed his eyes and his breath shuddered a little, disappointed when Chris moved back to the top of his body.

“Isak,” Chris whispered, lips against Isak’s ear. He bit Isak’s lobe gently.

“Mm?” Isak hummed, trying to look interested in the page of text he’d been failing to read for the last two minutes.

Chris made the slightest, subtlest movement of his hips, but it was enough for Isak to feel Chris hard against him. Isak bit his lip, and it took everything he had in him not to push back against him.

“Are you done?” Chris asked.

Isak swallowed. “Two minutes.”

Chris sighed and rolled off him, and Isak missed the weight and warmth of him immediately. He turned to Chris, who was sat on the bed shaking his leg impatiently, hoodie riding up just enough to expose the skin at his hips. And, well, Isak’s resolve kind of left him at that point.

Chris grinned as Isak slowly pushed him on his back and crawled on top of him, pinning Chris’ hands above his head. Isak looked down, drinking in Chris’ triumphant smile, the way his hair spread messily on the pillow beneath him, the way he was breathing lowly and heavily, the way his smile fell a little as he teased his bottom lip between his teeth. Chris tilted his hips up, gently, askingly.

Isak leant in and kissed Chris, slowly and open-mouthed, tongue meeting tongue, breathing him in. They both kind of melted into each other, sinking into the mattress beneath them, and Isak savoured the soft moan that escaped Chris’ lips. There was something about it that drove Isak crazy; it was almost needy, and quiet in a way that meant it was only for Isak.

Isak sat up, and so did Chris as he chased Isak’s lips; Isak pulled his shirt off, then tugged Chris’ off, too, before their lips met again. Chris was becoming impatient, Isak could tell; his hands were wandering down Isak’s back and pushed under Isak’s jeans, under his boxers, both hands settling firmly on Isak’s arse. And he tried to push Isak onto his back, but Isak stopped him with a hand to Chris’ chest. Wanted to tease Chris, to see him come undone.

He stepped off and removed his jeans, his boxers, and Chris did the same while Isak reached into his drawer and pulled out what he needed. He settled back in Chris’ lap and kissed him again, bodies pressed together, everything that much sweeter now there wasn’t any unnecessary fabric between them. He wrapped his fingers around Chris’ hand, which was at Isak’s waist, and pulled it to his lips, wanting to recreate the same look he’d seen on Chris’ face when he’d done this the other day. He took two of Chris’ fingers into his mouth, sucking, getting off on how fucking _captivated_ Chris looked by it, eyes blown and lips wet. Chris leant in and kissed Isak messily, before he’d even removed his fingers fully, breaking apart only to reach over and grab the lube Isak had set on the bed. He looked at Isak, wanting confirmation, and Isak just nodded quickly, cupping Chris’ face and kissing him as Chris’ finger teased at Isak’s entrance.

Isak let Chris take over for a while, kissing his neck, breath hitching as Chris’ fingers curled in _just the right way_ , finding that spot so easily now. He skated a hand over Chris’ length, tracing his fingers over it teasingly, making Chris’ breathing more staggered before wrapping his hand around it and beginning to stroke him, slowly.

“I want you inside me,” Isak said, looking at Chris through half-lidded eyes, drunk on how intimate this position felt – how good it felt to be this close, like they were more connected somehow.

“Yeah?” Chris asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Isak said.

Chris tore the condom packet open with his teeth and Isak kind of sat back a little awkwardly to let Chris put it on. Then Isak readjusted himself on Chris’ lap, rolling his hips a little before guiding Chris inside him, groaning at the feel of it, his forehead falling against Chris’ shoulder.

After a moment of stillness, Chris pushed his hips up. But Isak pressed Chris’ hips back down, shaking his head a little. Began moving slowly with Chris inside him, setting his own pace, and they hadn’t really done it like this before; slow and gentle, not fully giving into the hunger pulsing through the two of them; dragging it out, taking their time in the feeling of each other.

They stayed like that, Isak on top of Chris, rocking together, relishing in the teasingly unhurried way they were getting each other there, quickening the pace very gradually until they were whining into each other’s mouths as they kissed, hands exploring each other, touches increasingly desperate and frantic. Their bodies sang with building anticipation and pleasure until finally, _finally_ , they got there; clinging to one another, tensing in blissful, frenzied ecstasy.

 

***

 

They lay in bed with each other for a while, limbs tangled together, tired and spent and a little dizzy from it all.

“When we’re at the cabin,” Chris began, still a little out of breath, “we’re going to fuck in every room. Every single one.”

Isak raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Chris said confidently. “And we can be as loud as we like.”

Isak smiled, but there was something unsettling him a little. After a while, Isak said, “Why did you tell Even about us?”

Chris grinned, wrinkling his nose. “What?”

“When I saw Even the other day, I went to tell him about us being together, and he said you already told him.”

Chris shrugged, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling. “Was I not supposed to?”

“I just…” Isak shook his head. “It kind of felt like something I should say, given our history.”

“History?” Chris repeated, scoffing, looking at Isak incredulously. “What history? You’ve known him the same amount of time as I have.”

“Yeah, but…we hooked up,” Isak said, feeling small. He shrugged, watching Chris intently.

“And I live with him,” Chris said. “Don’t you think it would’ve been awkward for us to live together if he hadn’t heard it from me?”

“I…” Isak paused, then shook his head. “But I don’t think that’s why you told him.”

Chris raised his eyebrows, grinning, but he didn’t look particularly happy. “No? Tell me why I told him, then.”

“Because you were…” Isak trailed off. “Because you were worried he’d try something on with me or – or I don’t know, you were worried –”

“Worried you’d hook up with him?” Chris finished. He shrugged. “Do I _need_ to be worried?”

“What?” Isak spluttered. “No, I – I’m with _you_ , Chris, I wouldn’t –”

“Wouldn’t hook up with him?” Chris asked. He was still remaining completely composed, looking at Isak like he was talking about the weather. “But you _did_ hook up with him.”

“Oh my God,” Isak said, sitting up, pressing his hands to his eyes. “Are we going to fucking talk about – we weren’t together at that point, Chris! If you’re going to go _there_ then that means I need to be worried about you talking to any fucking human with legs—“

“Like you’re not?” Chris interrupted. “Like you didn’t ask me a thousand times whether I hooked up with anyone at that party on Wednesday?”

“That’s different,” Isak said.

“No, it’s not,” Chris told him. “I told you I wouldn’t hook up with anyone else now. When have I _ever_ lied to you about who I’m hooking up with?”

“You – I – well, when have I?!” Isak asked.

“It’s different!” Chris said. “You slept with fucking _Even_ —“

“I didn’t sleep with him—“

“—whatever, hooked up with him, then. But I never hooked up with people I knew, I never spoke to them after—“

“So I should just stop talking to him, then?”

“You should have never hooked up with him in the first place!”

“I – what? _What_?” Isak spat, feeling exhausted.

“You didn’t think it would piss me off?!” Chris asked. “You don’t think it’s fucked up that we live under the same roof? That even if you’re with me, you’re still going to see him, and he’ll try and fucking – get with you, or whatever—“

“He won’t try anything, Chris, he knows we’re together,” Isak told him, feeling himself lose what little patience he had left.

“I knew,” Chris said, shaking his head. “I _knew_ he’d try something on with you the day he first asked about you.” He picked at the frayed skin at his fingernails.

“Is that why you don’t get on with him?” Isak asked.

Chris looked at Isak, shaking his leg, and rolled his eyes. “Part of it. After the party we threw for him when he first moved in, he asked about you. Asked if we were together or whatever. Dick.”

“What did you tell him?”

Chris shrugged. “I told him we were nothing serious.”

“Then how…” Isak sighed, stopping himself. “Chris, I can’t…we can’t keep…these conversations are so fucking circular. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, was he? If you told him there was nothing between us?”

“I wouldn’t have hooked up with anyone Hanna was hooking up with,” Chris said, shrugging. “It’s just fucking weird.”

“That’s why you don’t like him, then?” Isak asked finally, desperately. “Because that’s fucking pathetic, Chris. You can’t expect people to read your mind all the time.”

Chris looked at Isak for a long time, frowning, cheeks red. He opened his mouth, then closed it again and let out a long breath. He shrugged. “It’s not the only reason.”

“What’s the other reason, then?” Isak asked.

Chris was quiet for a long time. Let out a short, exasperated sigh. “He – I – he kind of, he knows about the thing with me and my dad.”

Isak’s lips parted a little in shock. He frowned. “About…?”

“Yeah, about – it was – it was, I don’t know. My dad came over and we thought the house was empty. We got into this stupid argument and he just – it wasn’t that bad, he just hit me in the stomach or whatever, but Even walked in on it.” He shook his head. “I don’t think he really saw anything, but it was after – after, you know, I was – I mean I was bent over, clutching my stomach, wheezing like a fucking idiot. So it was pretty obvious what had happened.”

Isak said nothing.

“A couple of days later, Even tried to – he just pissed me off. He gave me all these bullshit leaflets about child abuse and domestic violence and he just – I didn’t even fucking know him, you know? He was treating me like an idiot, like I was some helpless fucking – I don’t know, victim or something – it just pissed me off.”

“He was just trying to help, Chris—“ Isak began gently.

“I don’t fucking need help!” Chris snapped, standing up. “Why does _everyone_ think I need help?”

“I don’t—“

“I told you, it’s not a big deal!” Chris said, pulling his trousers on as his phone began ringing. “You and Even and my fucking _brother_ , all acting like it’s – like it’s some fucking – I can’t—“ Chris grabbed his phone to shut it off, but he froze when his eyes landed on the screen. His breath began rising and falling rapidly, and he ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I just need to – I can’t fucking – I can’t _breathe_ ,” he finished weakly, inhaling sharp gulps of air, clutching his chest.

“Chris,” Isak said, standing up and moving towards him. “Sit down.”

“I don’t want to sit down,” he said, pacing around the room before slamming his back against the wall, trying to catch his breath. “I just need, I need to go – I can’t – I just – I feel – I just need air –”

“We can go outside,” Isak said, nodding, pulling his own trousers on and handing Chris a jacket. “Let’s go outside.”

 

***

 

Isak had learnt how to recognise a panic attack from Lea, who used to get them a lot – particularly when their mum was bad. He knew that people reacted differently to them, and he knew that whilst some preferred you to circle an arm around them and tell them everything was going to be okay, others needed space.

Chris was definitely someone who needed space.

After he’d calmed down, they were leaning against the wall, Chris smoking his fifth cigarette since they’d got out here. It was good, actually, Isak noticed; it kept Chris’ breathing regulated.

“Was it talking about your dad that triggered it?” Isak asked, once he was sure it wouldn’t set Chris off again.

Chris hadn’t looked at Isak once since they’d gone outside. He stared at the road ahead of them, blowing smoke out of his mouth, frowning. “I guess.”

“Was it something else, too?” Isak asked. “About your dad and Lukas, or?”

Chris’ eyes crossed to Isak’s, looking at him for less than a second before staring out before him again. He gave a very quick nod.

“What’s happening with that?” Isak asked.

“I can’t tell you,” Chris said shortly.

Isak let out this weird kind of breathy sound, half out of disbelief, half out of exhaustion. “Whatever it is, just say,” he said desperately. “I won’t…I won’t judge you or anything.”

Chris carried on staring ahead of him at some fixed point Isak couldn’t reach. “I don’t—” he began weakly.

“ _Chris_ ,” Isak said, grabbing his collar roughly and shaking him a little. “Look at me.”

Frowning, Chris met Isak’s eyes. Isak softened his grip and moved his hand to the back of Chris’ head, curling his fingers into the dark hair. “You can tell me.”

When Chris said nothing, Isak tugged Chris’ hair and shook him, gently. “We have to talk, Chris, we have to. If we’re going to work, Chris, we have to talk.”

And maybe - maybe, Chris would have told Isak something. Maybe. Maybe he would have finally told Isak what was happening, if only Chris' dad hadn't pulled up on Isak's drive at that exact moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how regularly I'll be able to update over the next week - I'm going back on some medication that usually gives me pretty annoying side effects which make it difficult to write. I adore writing this fic, I want to carry on with the frequent updates, and hopefully I'll be able to! But I'm letting you know in advance that might not be possible. I hope you all understand!! Thank you for all the love and support on the previous chapter, and throughout this whole fic, really<333


	29. Sickening realisation

“What’s he doing here?” Isak asked, heart thudding horribly.

Chris swallowed, standing straighter, cigarette burning down in his fingers. “I don’t know.”

“Is he going to…” _hurt you_ , Isak wanted to finish, but the words got lost somewhere.

“He won’t do anything with you here,” Chris said, as though reading Isak’s mind.

Isak watched numbly as Mr. Schistad stepped out of the car and slammed the door shut. He placed his hands in his pockets, then smiled kindly at the two of them. He was a handsome man, with thick, brown hair and green eyes.

“There you are!” he said happily. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“What – hi,” Chris said.

His dad stepped up to him, tutting, taking the cigarette out of Chris’ fingers and throwing it on the floor. “You know you’re not supposed to smoke, Chris,” he said. He turned to Isak and shook his head. “It gives him terrible chest infections. It scares the life out of his mother.” When neither of them said anything, he said, “Can I come inside?”

“How did you know where I was?” Chris blurted out.

“Well, I was worried when you didn’t answer my calls,” Mr. Schistad began. “So I went over to your house, and a girl came outside – Hanna – and I asked if she knew where you were. She was very friendly, and she said you were probably here. She gave me the address and everything. Helpful girl. Very pretty.”

Mr. Schistad’s eyes trailed over the two of them, and Isak suddenly became very aware that they were both wearing open jackets with bare chests. He pulled his jacket around himself instinctively.

“Aren’t you boys a bit cold?” Mr. Schistad asked.

“What did you want?” Chris asked.

“To check you’re alright,” Mr. Schistad said. “You scared me.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Chris said.

“And I wondered if you wanted to come back home for a bit. Mum was talking about cooking a family dinner.”

“Um,” Isak said suddenly, not sure what he was going to say but feeling like he had to say _something_. “Um, Chris actually – he said he’d help me, with um, with my biology homework.” It wasn’t a lie. “And he also – we’re visiting his housemate at the hospital later, too, so he’s probably – probably busy, so.”

Mr. Schistad cocked his head, grinning. “I didn’t know you were good at biology, Chris,” he said. “You must’ve improved since secondary school. Didn’t you fail it?”

“That was physics,” Chris murmured.

“Oh, right. Well, Isak, I’m sorry. This meal is very important to his mum. I’m sure you understand, don’t you? Chris doesn’t want to let her down.”

“No, I get that,” Isak said, frowning. “I just – ”

“I’ll go get my stuff,” Chris mumbled.

Isak stared at him desperately, wanting to do something. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so helpless, really; completely unable to say anything to stop any of it.

“I’ll come with – “ Isak began, but he stopped when Mr. Schistad placed a hand on his arm.

Chris walked inside, and Mr. Schistad said, “Isak, I meant to say. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother.”

“My mum?” Isak asked, blinking, staring at the large hand wrapped on his forearm.

“Yes. Lena told me she’s in hospital again,” he said. “It can’t be easy on you.”

“I – no,” Isak said, shaking his head. “She’s…or she’s…she’s getting help, so. She’s okay.”

“That’s good to hear,” Mr. Schistad said seriously. “I have a friend who’s a psychiatrist. Say the word and I can put you in touch with him. He’s very good at what he does.”

“Thanks,” Isak said numbly.

Chris walked back outside, shirt on and bag over his shoulder. He glanced at Isak, smiling in what Isak thought was supposed to be a reassuring, nonchalant kind of smile, but he saw right through it.

“Good to see you, anyway, Isak,” Mr. Schistad said, shaking his hand. “Sorry Chris can’t stay.”

“I – wait,” Isak said, but Mr. Schistad curled an arm around Chris, holding onto the back of Chris’ neck, guiding him towards the car.

 

***

Wednesday, 17:59

 **Isak** : hope things go ok with your dad

text me if you need anything

<3

***

Going to see Even hadn’t been his first priority that evening. His mind was kind of elsewhere, with Chris, wondering if he was okay. He’d been half tempted to go over to Chris’ parents house himself, or phone the police, or do _something_. But he wasn’t sure what idea was the best one; what he could do that wouldn’t just make everything worse.  

In the end, though, he decided to see Even. Not because Even could distract him or because being with Even would necessarily be fun, but just because wanted to see him.

He walked along the hospital corridor and straight into Hanna, who was leaving Even’s room, wiping her eyes as she did. She stopped short when she saw Isak, freezing, blinking as recognition sunk in.

“Oh,” she said, sniffing and shaking herself a little. “Hey, Isak.”

“Hey,” Isak said. He took in her bloodshot eyes and red cheeks. “Everything good?”

“Mm,” she said, brushing a tear away irritably. “Yes.”

Isak frowned. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She straightened up. “Even’s just…he’s not having a good day, that’s all. It was just a bit upsetting to see.”

“Oh,” Isak said. “What’s wrong with him?”

Hanna shook her head and smiled. “He’s just depressed,” she said simply. “But I’ve – you know, since I found out about his illness, I’ve been researching it and everything, but it’s just a bit different to actually _see_ it. I had to go, I don’t think” – Hanna’s breath hitched, and she tried to steady herself – “I don’t think I was being particularly helpful, so.”

Isak nodded, chewing his lip, and let out a sigh. He was kind of tempted to go home – he was exhausted from earlier and wasn’t sure how much more he could handle today – but the idea of Even, in that room all on his own, made his decision for him.

“I’ll take over,” he said, nodding.

“I feel like _such_ an idiot,” Hanna said, rubbing her thumb over her smudged mascara. “Even’s in there going through something awful, and _I’m_ the one who gets up and leaves—“

“No, it’s good,” Isak told her, nodding. “You know, it’s – it’s important that you take care of yourself, too. You can come back and see Even tomorrow, he’ll understand.”

Hanna’s lips twitched into a small smile, and she cocked her head as she looked at him. “You’re a sweetheart, Isak.”

“I know,” Isak said easily, happy when Hanna let out a little laugh.

“Okay,” she said, shaking herself again and readjusting her bag strap. “I’m going to finish this essay I’ve been putting off for the last two weeks. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck,” Isak said.

 

***

 

Even was curled under his duvet when Isak entered the room. He was breathing heavily and slowly, and Isak realised quite quickly that he was already asleep. He paused, wondering whether he should leave, but in the end he just sat on the chair at Even’s desk and scrolled through his phone until he heard Even stir.

Even sat up a little, frowning some, and Isak just kind of smiled awkwardly at him. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Even croaked, flopping his head back down on the pillow.

Isak tapped his phone nervously, staring at Even. “How are you?”

Even didn’t answer. At first, Isak thought maybe Even was ignoring him. But soon, based only on the sound of Even’s slightly ragged breathing, Isak wondered if maybe he was crying. He didn’t really know whether he should move towards him, or say something, or whether he should just leave.

In the end, he just said, “Even?”

“I hate the medication,” Even said. His voice was low and husky and kind of dry, but he didn’t sound like he was crying. More like he was trying not to, and the words spilt quickly out of his mouth like he was uttering some deep, dark secret.

“Oh.” Isak didn’t really know what to say. He was quiet, then asked, “Um, how come?”

Even took a long time to say anything. Eventually, so quietly Isak almost didn’t catch it, he said, “I just do.”

Isak wished desperately to be able to say something that made Even feel better. But the truth was, he’d only known his mum on medication, and she’d hated it too. So much so that she’d rarely stayed on anything for longer than a month.

So, Isak just said, “I heard it sucks.” It probably wasn’t the right thing to say at all, and Isak felt incredibly stupid after saying it.

To his surprise, though, Even let out a small, breathy sort of sound, not too far away from a laugh. “Yeah, it sucks.”

Isak bounced his leg nervously. “Did you…want to watch a film or something?”

“I think I just want to sleep,” Even said quietly.

“Okay,” Isak said, moving over to the bed and sitting beside Even, who was curled away from Isak, facing the wall. Isak pulled out his laptop. “Should be easy to sleep through this one anyway. _Australia_. Directed by Baz Lurhman.”

Even did that thing again; that breathy kind of smile, and he rolled over, eyes looking up at Isak. Isak tilted the screen down a little so Even could watch it too, and they stayed like that; Even lying with his head against his pillow, Isak sat cross-legged with the laptop resting on his legs. They didn’t talk much, and Isak’s legs were cramping and his back ached after sitting in the same position for so long. He didn’t move, though, and he didn’t turn the film off even though it was shit and Even had fallen asleep.

There was a harsh knock on the door, and Isak looked down at Even, who was still asleep. The nurse peered her head through.

“Visiting hours are up in ten minutes,” she said.

“Okay,” Isak said, a little irritated at how loud she was being.

She looked over Isak’s shoulder. “And group therapy is in forty minutes, Even,” she continued, even louder.

Even jerked away and the nurse said, “Did you hear me, Even?”

“Yeah,” Even replied hoarsely.

“Good,” she said, looking at Isak a little crossly before closing the door behind her.

Isak frowned. “What’s her problem?”

Even stretched, sighing irritably. “They’re all like that.”

Isak closed his laptop and shoved it in his bag, then sort of stood in the room awkwardly as Even stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling.

“I’m, uh, going to go, then,” he said. He didn’t really want to.

“Okay,” Even said.

“Um…” Isak swung his arms awkwardly at his sides. “I think Hanna’s coming again tomorrow, so.”

Even closed his eyes and nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay. Um, I hope you feel better soon,” Isak said.

Even smiled and nodded, and Isak left.

 

***

 

Thursday, 01:21AM

 

 **Chris** : Can you come over

 **Isak** : where are you?

 **Chris** : My place

 **Isak** : on my way

 

***

 

A thousand scenarios flashed through Isak’s mind as he walked to Chris’ house. He had images of him beaten and bruised; he had images of him crying; he had images of him angry or sad or hurt or scared. He’d prepared himself for any of these scenarios, but he hadn’t prepared himself to be greeted by Chris grinning, pulling him for a hungry, messy kiss.

“Mm – Chris –“ Isak spluttered, pushing him off slightly. He wrinkled his nose. “Have you been drinking?”

Chris was swaying on the spot, breath stinking of spirits. He looked at Isak through half-lidded eyes, settling on his lips, hands trailing down Isak’s back. “You’re so fucking hot.”

He leant in to kiss Isak again, but Isak stopped him, laughing nervously. “Chris.”

“What?” Chris asked, leaning back, giving Isak space. “You don’t want to?”

“I – you’re drunk,” he said.

“So?” Chris asked, frowning, shaking his head. “We’ve had drunk sex before.”

“Yeah but – I – we – can I come in?” Isak asked.

Chris said nothing; he just stepped aside, sighing, gesturing Isak in.

He didn’t try to kiss Isak again. They settled in Chris’ room, on his bed, Chris kind of stumbling onto it a little clumsily. Isak said nothing; he wanted Chris to be the one to talk first. Hoped that the alcohol in his system would make him a little more honest and open than normal.

After a few minutes, though, Isak spoke.

“How did things go with your dad?”

“Good,” Chris said. “Really fucking good, actually.”

Isak looked at him in surprise. “Yeah?” he asked sceptically.

“Yeah. He brought out this really fucking expensive bottle of whiskey he’s had for years and cracked it open. We talked. It was good.”

“What did you talk about?” Isak asked.

Chris shrugged. “Everything.”

Isak had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. “What’s ‘everything’?”

“Just…about our fucking – he said sorry. For everything.” He shook his head. “He was so fucking honest with me. He _cried_. I’ve never seen him cry.”

“What did you say?” Isak asked.

Chris shrugged. “I said it was fine.”

Isak felt his heart sink. “You did?”

“He said sorry,” Chris said.

“So that’s it? You’ve forgiven him?”

“He’s never said sorry before,” Chris said. “Or…not like this. Like he _meant_ it. He had no fucking clue he’d left those bruises. When he saw them he felt like shit.”

“He _should_ feel like shit,” Isak said.

“He said me and you could have the cabin for the whole week if we want. I told him we’re together, he was so fucking happy for us. He likes you.”

“But…” Isak paused. He didn’t really know what to say.

Chris sat up and pushed Isak playfully. “This is a good thing. We finally fucking _talked_. Isn’t that what you keep saying I should do?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “I just – you’re sure he’s not just…just saying it so you do what he wants?”

“Nah,” Chris said dismissively, lying back down. “He said I don’t have to do the job, anyway.”

“Job?” Isak asked.

“Yeah.” Chris looked at him and sighed. “That’s what was stressing me out. He wanted me to fix this thing for him with some dealers in Denmark. Bring the stuff back over here or whatever.”

“Stuff?” Isak asked.

“Drugs,” Chris said, smirking. “It freaked me out because…I mean I’m not a fucking lawyer or anything, but I know smuggling drugs into a different country is way more illegal than smuggling them across a city.”

Isak stared at him. If he was honest with himself, he wasn’t surprised it was something to do with this. Not after what he’d seen at the cabin.

“So you’re not doing it, then?” he asked quietly.

“Probably not,” Chris said, toying with the strings on his hoodie.

“Probably not?”

“No. Or…I might. It’ll make him happy, so.”

Isak swallowed. “Since when did you care about making him happy?” he asked, unable to stop himself from sounding hurt.

Chris looked at Isak incredulously. “He’s my dad, Isak.”

“Yeah, and almost every time you talk about him, you call him an arsehole.”

Chris just shrugged.

“I don’t want you to do it,” Isak told him.

Chris looked at him. He was still a little red from the alcohol, eyes bloodshot. He laughed. “I knew you’d say that.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell me?”

“That,” Chris said, sitting up again, “and my dad said if I told anyone, he’d – he just didn’t want anyone else to know. But I told him, tonight, you know, how much that was stressing me out. Not being able to fucking _say_ anything. Feeling like my head was exploding all the time. So he said I should tell you.” Chris smirked and nudged Isak with his elbow. “Like I said, he likes you.”

Isak looked at Chris uncomfortably. The thing was, Chris looked so fucking _happy_. Happier than Isak had seen him in months. But he just had this feeling that it wasn’t going to last. In fact, he _knew_ it wasn’t. Chris’ father was just appeasing Chris, and it was so obvious – so blatantly, abundantly clear – and Isak just couldn’t comprehend how Chris didn’t see straight through his dad’s bullshit. It kind of broke his heart.

Isak moved to Chris and cupped his face, kissing him gently, firmly, reassuringly, solidly. Held his face in his hands and looked Chris in the eyes.

“Don’t do it,” Isak said desperately. “Don’t do it.”

Chris stared at Isak, frowning. “But –”

Isak pressed his lips against Chris’ again, silencing him. “Please,” he said, shaking Chris a little. “I don’t want you to.”

“But he – ”

“He should understand, shouldn’t he? You said he told you that you don’t have to do it.”

“Yeah, but-“

“Then don’t,” Isak said. “Please. For me.”

Chris was quiet for a long time, frowning, eyes exploring Isak’s searchingly. Eventually, he sighed and said, “Whatever you want.”

Isak leant in and kissed him again.

 

***

Thursday, 07:02AM

 **Sana** : Are you coming into school today?

 **Isak** : think so

why?

 **Sana** : Can we meet at lunch?

 **Isak** : i told you i’d finish the rest over the weekend

 

“Who’re you texting?” Chris asked, pressing a kiss to Isak’s shoulder.

“Sana,” Isak sighed irritably.

Chris paused before moving a hand to draw slow, teasing circles over the skin at his hip. “What does she want?”

“She’s still on my arse about biology,” he told him. “I don’t fucking know. She’s stressing me out.”

“Skip school today,” Chris murmured, pressing a kiss against Isak’s cheek as his fingers toyed the waistband of Isak’s boxers.

Isak laughed. “I can’t,” he said. “I’ve missed so much fucking school this term.”

“So?” Chris asked, nipping playfully at Isak’s jaw. “Miss another day.” He pulled back, looking at Isak. “Miss two. Let’s go to the cabin today.”

Isak scoffed. “What?”

“What?” Chris repeated, grinning, rolling on top of Isak and pushing his hair out of his face. “Four fucking days. Just us.”

“Sana will kill me,” Isak said weakly, mind going blank as Chris’ hands snuck under his boxers.

“So?” Chris asked, wrapping a hand around Isak’s dick. “Fuck Sana.”

Isak laughed against Chris’ neck, feeling some of his resolve leave him. “This is very manipulative of you.”

“Mm?” Chris asked as he began stroking him, grinning at the weird kind of gasp Isak let out. He trailed his hands over Chris’ bare back and settling on his waist, skin against skin. “Should I stop?” Chris asked, pulling away slightly.

“No,” Isak stuttered, pulling him back in. “Don’t stop.”

 

***

Thursday, 12:12PM

 **Noora** : Isak, are you at school today?

 **Isak** : nah, skipping

 **Eskild** : Isak!! You should care more about your education!

 **Linn** : Education can be tiring, Eskild

 **Noora** : Where are you?

 **Isak** : cabin with chris

 **Noora** : Can you call me?

 **Isak** : can’t you text?

 **Noora** : Not really

It’s important

Isak?

 **Eskild** : Oh, it’s not nice when people ignore your messages, is it Noora?

Isak, I want to have words with you when you’re back!!

Also can someone pick up some toilet paper, we’re fresh out and I had to steal some from a public toilet today

Helloooooo???????

 

***

 

They couldn’t stop laughing.

It probably wouldn’t have been as funny if it hadn’t been for all the weed they’d been smoking. But when they’d opened a window to get rid of the smoke, a bird had flown in, circling around their heads and shitting literally _everywhere_. Isak was standing on the bed, feet sinking into the mattress as he stumbled around in circles with his arms above him, trying to catch the stupid thing. They were both laughing hard, but Chris was bent double with it, and it got even worse when Isak stepped on the open bottle of lube and it squirted all over the bedsheets.

Somehow, miraculously, Isak caught the bird with both hands and stepped off the bed, walking towards the window, and the laughter had just about died down. Then, feet slippery from all the lube he’d stepped on, Isak’s feet slid out from beneath him; he let the bird go and it splatted against the closed window; Isak’s arms were flailing madly as he tried desperately to keep his balance until he fell ungracefully to the floor and landed flat on his arse.

Chris found it fucking _hysterical_.

“Aha, ahaha, oh my _God_ ,” Chris was wheezing, bursting out into new fits of laughter every time he looked at Isak. “I can’t – ahahaha – I can’t – breathe – oh my fucking – ahaha—”

“Shut up,” Isak said, but the laugh soon bubbled out of him too. He stood up, almost slid over again, then grabbed the bird – much more easily this time, because it was concussed now – and placed it outside. He turned back to Chris, and they burst out laughing again, Isak flopping down close to him on the bed as their chests began aching from it all.

“Fucking hell,” Isak said after a while.

Chris coughed, low and gravely, smiling and chuckling to himself. They were lying next to each other, Isak’s head on Chris’ chest, Chris playing with Isak’s hair, and soon things got kind of quiet. Isak turned to him, smiling at Chris’ expression. He didn’t think anything fitted Chris’ face quite as good as the grin he was wearing. Isak sort of rolled over so he was lying at a better angle to kiss him, and hovered inches above Chris’ lips. Chris looked at him, pupils wide and eyes bloodshot. He wasn’t grinning anymore.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Chris told him quietly.

It had always been different when it was just the two of them, with no housemates or friends or neighbours around. It felt safer, more intimate, more secluded, more honest, and that’s how it had always been. But for some reason, it felt more intense than ever now. They hadn’t been completely alone like this in a long time – in fact, not since the last time they were at the cabin. And so much had changed since then

The thing was, things weren’t perfect. Isak wasn’t an idiot. He knew they were both avoiding their problems; that on Monday, Isak would be behind on more schoolwork, that Chris’ dad would probably hurt him again, that Even was still sick, that his mother would eventually get worse, that Chris would do something to make Isak insecure and Isak would do something to make Chris jealous. Isak _knew_ all of this. But when they were alone like this, together, laughing until their cheeks hurt, kissing until their lips were swollen, muttering quiet confessions to one another, everything seemed easier to deal with. Because they could work on it, right? They could work and work at the messy imperfection they had found in one another until it became a little less messy and a little less imperfect. And maybe it would be hard and gruelling and tiring at times, but maybe it would also be the easiest thing in the world.

They were kissing, slowly and fondly, savouring the flavour of each other and too high for it to lead to anything other than more kissing. Isak was on top of Chris, chest against chest, skin against skin, breathing him in peacefully.

Isak ignored his phone the first time it had rung. But when whoever was calling still hadn’t given up by the third attempt, he sighed and rolled off Chris. Chris moaned and tried to pull Isak back; Isak kissed him once and promised he’d be quick, then answered the call.

“Noora?”

“Hi, Isak,” said Noora. There was a kind of scuffling sound, then: “No – give me – give my phone _back_ , William.” More scuffling. “Isak, are you still there?”

“Yeah,” Isak said.

Chris’ phone began to ring too, and Isak glanced down. Saw William was calling Chris. Isak frowned, uneasiness growing inside him. “What’s going on?”

Chris stepped out of the room as he answered the call.

“Noora?”

“Yeah,” Noora said. “Are you still with Chris?”

“We’re at the cabin, yeah,” Isak said slowly. “You know that.”

Noora sighed. “Isak, I – firstly, I wanted Chris to be the one to tell you this.”

Isak laughed a little nervously. “Tell me what?”

“I’ve tried messaging him on Facebook and he just ignored me, and Sana did too, and – well – I tried to get William to persuade him, but he isn’t – Isak – the thing is… ” Noora sighed and fell into silence.

“What?” Isak asked, his uneasiness turning to stone cold dread. “Fucking hell, Noora, what?”

“Isak,” Chris said. His voice sounded desperate; more fragile – no, broken – than Isak had ever heard it sound before.

Isak knew what was coming. Even as the sickening realisation was dawning on him, there was another part – some deep, dark part of him – that had been expecting it all along. Had suspected it, at the very least; but he’d squashed it down. Told himself it couldn’t be true. Told himself to just be happy, to ignore everything, to stay in their stupid little bubble. He was a fucking idiot.

He turned to face Chris, tears spilling onto his cheeks before he’d even had confirmation of what he thought was going to come next. But Chris’ face was confirmation enough, because _his_ eyes were filling up with tears, too, and his mouth was hanging open stupidly, shaking his head. “Let me explain,” he said.

“What?” Isak asked, but it was Noora who spoke next.

“Sana saw Chris hooking up with someone at the party on Wednesday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me :( I love all three (Isak, Chris and Even) of these characters so much.  
> As usual, comments keep me motivated, so thank you SO much to anyone who leaves them!!!! <33  
> Sorry if the writing isn't that great for this chapter, I hope it's okay<3


	30. I feel sorry for him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mention of past attempted assault

Neither of them said anything.

“I can come and collect you,” Noora was telling him. Isak wasn’t sure how long she’d been talking for; his head was spinning, and he was kind of staring at the floor, now, not sure where Chris was or what was happening.

“Yeah,” Isak croaked.

“Yeah? Shall I leave now, then?” Noora asked.

“Okay,” Isak said, and he hung up.

His mind was in freefall, and he flitted from wanting to know nothing at all to wanting to know every tiny detail; from who Chris had been with, to what they did, to how long it had lasted, to why the hell Chris had decided to fuck everything up between them. In the end, though, he sat on the edge of the bed, staring numbly at the floor as Chris leant against the wall, looking at him, leg bouncing nervously. They were quiet for a long time, stewing in a tense and cold silence.

“Can you just say something?” Chris snapped eventually.

Isak frowned. He felt weirdly detached from reality. He looked up at Chris, who was chewing the skin at his nails. “Like what?” Isak asked.

Chris shrugged. “Anything.”

“I don’t have anything to say,” Isak mumbled, staring back at his feet.

Chris sighed. “Come on, you’re killing me,” he said, moving towards Isak and sitting beside him on the bed. “Just tell me how to fix this.”

“It’s true, then?” Isak asked, swallowing hard, voice small. He felt tears rising in his eyes again. “You hooked up with someone else?”

“For five minutes,” Chris said quickly. “Five fucking minutes. I wasn’t thinking. When I got my head straight I stopped and – we didn’t go – we didn’t even kiss.”

 “No?” Isak asked.

“He tried to kiss me, and all I could think of was you,” Chris said.

“He?” Isak repeated weakly, feeling himself deflate. “Who was he?”

Chris frowned, pressed his lips together, then said, “Do you remember Andreas?”

It took Isak a while to realise where he recognised the name from. “That creep from the party?”

“Yeah,” Chris said.

Suddenly, something horrible rose up inside Isak. Worry and guilt and dread. He remembered Chris barely conscious against the wall, Andreas coming onto him, only stopping when Isak interfered. And if that had happened again – if that had been what Chris meant by hooking up – then there was no way in hell Isak could hate him for it.

“Were you – did you want to?” Isak said.

Chris’ mouth fell open a little and he blinked furiously. He was quiet, looking like he was trying to find the right words to use. Finally, he said, “Yeah. Or I thought I did.”

“He didn’t assault you, or…or…” Isak stuttered desperately.

“No,” Chris said, quickly and quietly. He was frowning, still, eyes unable to meet Isak’s. “I just hooked up with him because I knew he’d be up for it. It was a fucking hand job, nothing more, not even that, we didn’t even finish – he was—”

“Don’t,” Isak said, feeling sick. “I don’t want to know.”

Isak felt like he’d been punched in the stomach, but there was relief there, too. He would rather Chris cheated on him over Chris getting assaulted. He just couldn’t help feeling betrayed that this was all going to end over a scumbag like Andreas; how had Chris thought he was possibly worth it?

“I thought you never hooked up with the same person twice,” Isak murmured pointlessly.

“I wasn’t fucking thinking,” Chris said. He looked at Isak and cocked his head, sighing, face falling. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

Isak hadn’t even realised he _was_ crying. He sniffed, feeling stupid, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

“It meant nothing,” Chris said quietly, so close to Isak that Isak could feel his breath on his cheek. “It meant fucking nothing. It was just a stupid mistake. I was so fucking stupid. Isak, I don’t want – I fucking hate –”

“I asked you,” Isak said, getting angry now. “I asked you _so many times_. You just lied.”

“I didn’t want to lose you,” Chris said.

“You made me feel so guilty for not trusting you,” Isak continued.

“I _wanted_ you to trust me.”

“But I _shouldn’t_ have trusted you!” Isak said, voice trembling. “I was right not to!”

“I wanted things to work for us, I did, okay? Hooking up with Andreas made me see that. Made me see it so fucking clearly, Isak. I only want you. I meant that.” Chris paused for a while, looking at Isak, eyes red and wide and searching. “It made me – I realised – it made me – fuck. I love you.”

Isak didn’t really comprehend what Chris was saying. The words kind of fell against him meaninglessly. “But you fucked it up.”

Chris got up, letting out a noise that sounded like a desperate kind of sob, quick and painful and broken. “I know,” he said, beginning to pace aimlessly around the room.

“Why did you tell me you wouldn’t hook up with anyone else?” Isak asked, eyes following Chris. “Why did you bother lying?”

“It wasn’t a lie.”

“No?”

“No,” Chris said, stopping in his tracks. “Or…it just…I don’t know!” _He_ was the one sounding angry now. “I was drunk! And the more I thought about you and how much fucking – fucking – _power_ you have over me, it just pissed me off, so—”

“So you hooked up with him to get back at me?” Isak asked, feeling himself sinking lower still.

Chris said nothing, and then Isak remembered something that made a fresh wave of disgust wash over him.

“It was the day after Even tried to kill himself,” Isak said dully.

Chris sighed, closing his eyes and running a trembling hand through his hair. “I know.”

“I need to go,” Isak said slowly, getting up, dizzy with shock and weed and nausea and _everything_.

“Isak—”

“I’ll wait in the living room. Just stay in here. I can’t look at you anymore.”

 

***

 

Isak was on the sofa, sobering up, mind clearing as the haze of weed and booze cleared from his system. The one small mercy had been that Chris had left Isak alone and, unlike the other times they’d fought, Isak was glad for it. He didn’t want to hear Chris try and justify himself now, and he was too angry to talk to him anyway. He’d just end up saying things he didn’t mean. Things like _you’re just like your dad, I hope you end up alone, I hate you, I wish I’d never met you_. Things that were cruel and unnecessary and untrue. Despite how angry he felt, there was a deeper part of him that knew Chris couldn’t handle hearing stuff like that right now.

Noora arrived a couple of hours later. William came, too, but he went straight upstairs to Chris’ room. Isak wasn’t sure when she’d done it, but Noora somehow got Isak’s bag and soon enough, he was dressed and they were in the car. Isak couldn’t help thinking that he’d be happy if he never saw that cabin again. There were just too many bad memories there now.

They were quiet for a long time as Noora drove. Isak was angry, and for some reason that meant he was angry with Noora, too. He just felt humiliated, because everyone had said it, hadn’t they? Everyone had told him that it would end like this. All the signs had been there. And Isak had been stupid enough to believe it could’ve ended differently. Had been stupid enough to think that maybe it wouldn’t have to end at all.

When Noora opened her mouth to speak, Isak found himself talking first.

“If you’re going to sit here and tell me how much of a horrible person Chris is, just don’t.”

“I don’t think he’s a horrible person,” Noora said calmly, glancing quickly at Isak and smiling reassuringly. “I feel sorry for him, that’s all.”

“Yeah?” Isak asked, feeling some of his anger leave him. He looked at her, and Noora’s eyes focused back to the road, brows furrowed.

“Yeah,” Noora said. “I think he’s very lonely.”

“What do you mean?” Isak asked.

“He just seems like the type who surrounds himself with all this kind of…fake stuff, you know? Stuff that doesn’t mean anything to him,” Noora explained. “And when people like that get a hold of something real, they don’t really know what to do with it.”

“Mm,” Isak hummed numbly. They were quiet, listening to the sound of the car whirling across the empty stretch of road before them. It was dark, now, and this far out of the city the stars were just about visible.

 “The thing is, Isak, sometimes…” She trailed off, then licked her lips and cocked her head, eyes still fixed on the road in front of her. “I think that sometimes it’s easier for people like Chris to destroy the things they love _themselves_ because then no one else can destroy it for them. Do you know what I mean?”

Isak looked at her and gave her a small nod, but he wasn’t sure he really did understand.

“You can try to show those people there’s a different way to love something, but you can only ever _show_ them. If they’re going to change, they need to do that themselves.”

Isak chewed his lip and stared out of the window, feeling like an idiot for thinking Chris _had_ changed. That Isak would be _able_ to change him. He coughed, then sniffed, trying not to cry, feeling embarrassed and small and shitty and just _exhausted_ , above all else.

“What I’m trying to say is don’t feel like you failed just because this happened,” Noora said. “I know it’s hard, but you can’t blame yourself. It isn’t your responsibility to change someone, and if someone _can’t_ change, then that isn’t a reflection of your own worth. Okay?”

“Okay,” Isak said.

He knew she was probably right. He just wished he could believe it.

 

***

 

Isak stayed back and stood awkwardly outside their house, hands in his pockets, watching Noora fumble with her keys as she unlocked the door. He hadn’t realised how tired he was until getting out of the car, but now, all he could think about was crawling into bed and going to sleep. Getting a brief reprieve from how fucking shitty he felt.

The thing was, there was no going back from this. That was what stung the most. Because, actually, Chris hadn’t lied that often. Before they gave their relationship a go, Chris had been honest, right? He’d never lied about hooking up with anyone. And as much as Isak hated to hear Chris boast about all the people he’d hooked up with, at least Chris was telling him about them. But now, what fragile trust Isak had built up since they began dating had shattered, and he couldn’t see a way to put it back together again. He hated Chris for it, because he’d ruined something that could have been so good.

Isak had managed not to cry throughout the whole car journey home, but for some reason everything kind of became too much when he got into his bedroom. Noora was still stood beside him, so he didn’t _want_ to cry – not in front of her – but the sight of Chris’ hoodie thrown over his chair and the way his room still kind of smelt like Chris made tears spill onto his cheeks. He just felt so stupid. Stupid and embarrassed and, well, _sad_ , because he had hoped so badly that things between him and Chris would work out.

He wished Noora would leave so she wouldn’t see how pathetic he was being, but it was too late.

She did a double take when she saw him crying. Then, she wrapped her arms around Isak and pulled him into a hug. Her car keys were pressed kind of painfully against his neck, and Isak wasn’t used to hugging anyone, really, so he froze at the unfamiliar contact. Her arms were strong and sure around him, and she was almost rocking him with the way she was swaying slightly. It was warm, it was caring and it was comforting, but above all, it felt weirdly safe. He’d never been hugged like this before by anybody; like someone was trying to squeeze the pain out of him.

Isak just kind of buried his face into the crook of her neck, pretty sure he was getting tears and snot all over her jumper, but she didn’t seem to mind. She just put a hand on the back of his head and began stroking his hair soothingly.

“Come on,” she said assuredly. “It’ll all be alright.”

There was a kind of thump against his back, and another pair of arms wound around him and hugged him from behind.

“Cuddle pile!” Eskild said, squeezing everyone together tightly.

Isak winced, looking up at Linn, who was standing directly in front of him with her duvet draped around her shoulders. She moved some of Isak’s hair away from his eyes and gave him the tiniest smile before Eskild yanked everyone together again, Isak squashed in the middle of it all.

“I can’t breathe, Eskild,” Isak muttered, only half irritably.

“Just feel the love, Isak,” Eskild said, sighing overdramatically and resting his head against Isak’s back. “Feel the love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Kollektiv own my soul, okay.  
> Uploading a little earlier today because I actually got organised and wrote something in the DAY for a change haha. Sorry it's a little short!!! I hope you still enjoy it<3  
> For those wondering, this fic is going to be about 33-35 chapters long (I say about, because I'm awful at sticking to chapter plans). Regardless, there's not long to go at all until the end now. :)  
> Comments give me absolute life, seriously, and I was blown away by the response on the last chapter so just uihsdcjksd will I ever stop being thankful BC I DONT THINK I WILL.  
> Also, come say hi to me on tumblr!! e-naesheim.tumblr.com :) <3333  
> EDIT: One of my friends told me that a few people have had issues with characterisation/storylines in this fic, but because they haven't commented about it on here (I think it's on curious cat/twitter), I can't see it! I'm open to criticism (as long as it's constructive and not just hate) so please feel free to comment and let me know, I promise I won't bite <333


	31. You're not in that universe

He hadn’t wanted to go to school. And he wouldn’t have, either, but he hadn’t really slept well and at 6AM he’d gotten so bored that he just showered and got dressed anyway. He knew that if he stayed at home he’d just kind of sit and stew in everything and probably just end up feeling sorry for himself. And another day off would probably push his attendance from bad to _unacceptably_ bad. Also, his grades were now worse than Magnus’. He wasn’t about to let that continue.

So, in the end, he dragged his butt to school. It felt like a bitter kind of irony that his first lesson of the day was biology with Sana.

“Hey,” Sana said, sitting in the chair beside him. Her voice was a little softer than usual, and he felt her gaze on him as he drew aimless doodles in his notebook.

“Hey,” he said, shifting a little. He felt kind of embarrassed.

“How are you?” Sana asked.

“Okay, I guess,” Isak said, smiling briefly at her.

Sana narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure?”

Isak shrugged. “Yeah. Or…” He waved his hand dismissively. “You know.”

“Yeah,” Sana said. “Chris is a dick.”

Isak let out a long, drawn-out breath. “Yeah,” he said, but he wasn’t sure whether he really agreed.

“I have no time for cheating arseholes like him,” Sana continued, pulling her books out of her bag. “Especially ones who cheat on my friends.”

Isak raised an eyebrow. “I’m your friend, am I?” he asked.

Sana just glared at him. Then, she sighed and said, “Don’t get used to this.”

“Used to what?” Isak asked.

Sana passed him the project they’d been working on together. He flipped through it, realising it was pretty much finished. He looked at her.

“You completed it?”

“Like I said, don’t get used to it,” Sana said flatly. “This was a one-time thing, and you’re going to read through the whole thing over the weekend so you learn what we actually did. Okay?”

Isak nodded, feeling a rush of gratitude towards Sana wash over him. “Thanks,” he said, and Sana simply smiled.

 

***

 

When he found the boys at break, he was thankful that they were busy talking and that he could just kind of slot in amongst them without drawing too much attention to himself. Jonas cast an eye in his direction, nodding at him with a smile, and Isak nodded back. He tried to follow the conversation – something about a party at Bakka they’d heard about last weekend – but he was kind of distracted.

Jonas detached himself from the others and said, “Are you good?”

Isak nodded. “Did Eva tell you?”

“Kind of,” Jonas said.

“Are you talking about Chris?” Magnus chimed. “Fucking hell, Isak, we’ve both failed miserably at love this week.”

Isak raised an eyebrow. “What’s going on with you?”

“Marie dumped him,” Mahdi said, chuckling.

“She didn’t _dump me_ ,” Magnus said, rolling his eyes. “We just decided we needed space.”

“ _She_ decided you needed space,” Jonas corrected, smirking.

“She decided you couldn’t spend any more money on her,” Mahdi added.

“What the fuck? Why do you guys always have to roast _me_?” Magnus asked. “Isak got dumped too.”

“I didn’t get _dumped_ ,” Isak said, incredulous.

“Yeah but he cheated on you,” Magnus said. “That’s basically the same thing.”

Mahdi punched Magnus’ arm. “You’re a fucking idiot, Magnus,” he said.

“We haven’t officially broken up, anyway,” Isak said, although he knew he needed to have the conversation with Chris at some point. “I haven’t spoken to him since last night, so.”

“Just be honest with him,” Jonas said. “Get all your feelings out there.”

“Yeah,” Isak said numbly.

“That’s what I wish Marie and I did,” Magnus said, sighing longingly. “Instead she just fucked with my head.”

“I’m not taking relationship advice from you, Mags,” Isak said. “No offence.”

“What the fuck? Why not?”

Isak shrugged, rolling his eyes. “Your longest relationship was what, a month?”

Magnus looked offended. “We were together longer than you and Chris were,” he said, and Jonas and Mahdi let out these kind of “oh, shit,” noises.

“I – well I mean _technically_ , yeah,” Isak spluttered. “But I was with Chris for a year before that.”

“Just hooking up with him, though,” Magnus said.

“It was more than _just hooking up_ ,” Isak murmured, but it fell on deaf ears. He’d spent too long trying to justify his and Chris’ friends-with-benefits-but-kind-of-more-than-that thing to them in the past. Weirdly, thinking back on it, Isak felt a strange pang of longing for what he and Chris had before they tried to give a proper relationship a go. Even though it hadn’t felt like it at the time, in comparison to now, Chris and Isak’s old arrangement felt much more simple. He kind of missed hooking up and hanging out and not having a label on it, even if he was probably looking back at those memories through rose-tinted glasses.

“Whatever, man,” Jonas said finally. “The point is, we should go out. Just us boys.”

“Brothers together,” Mahdi added firmly.

“Okay,” Isak said, nodding.

“Just no university parties,” Jonas said.  “They’re too much stress.”

Everyone chimed in agreement.

 “We don’t know anyone who can get us into them anymore, anyway,” Isak said.

“That’s a good point,” said Mahdi.

“You realise we’re in our last year of school and we’ve barely been to any _school_ parties?” Magnus said. “I mean, fucking hell, we’re missing out on the best parties in secondary school!”

Jonas nodded, looking at Isak. “We need to change that,” he said.

Isak smiled to himself. He still felt kind of shit, but between Sana and the boys and everything Noora had done for him, he couldn’t help it; he felt a little lighter. A little happier. And kind of lucky, too, despite everything. Because somehow, the people he’d surrounded himself with weren’t that bad, actually. Even Magnus. He just didn't understand why feeling better made him feel kind of guiltier, too. 

***

 

“We could burn them.”

“I’m not going to _burn_ them, Eskild.”

“No? Haven’t you seen that episode of _Friends_? They put all their ex-boyfriends’ stuff in a bin and set fire to it.”

Isak rolled his eyes, hauling the box of Chris’ belongings onto the kitchen table. “No.” He sighed. “I’m just going to give it all to Hanna later. She can take it home and give it to Chris.”

“You don’t want to give it to him yourself?” Eskild asked, peering inside and sniffing one of Chris’ shoes dubiously.

“I can’t talk to him just yet,” Isak muttered, shaking his head. “I’ll just get angry at him.” He reached over and snatched one of Chris’ old t-shirts out of Eskild’s hands.

“Don’t you think it’d be good for him to hear you get angry?” Eskild asked. “I mean, he needs to understand that what he did isn't okay.”

“I think he knows that,” Isak said, frowning, trying to decide whether the hoodie he was wearing was his or Chris’. Some of this stuff he’d had so long, it was kind of difficult to tell. He threw it in anyway, just in case. “He felt really fucking guilty about it all. He doesn’t need me to make him feel more shit.”

“Getting all his old stuff back through Hanna might be a kick in the teeth, though,” Eskild said.

“Well!” Isak snapped, throwing his hands in the air. “I’m going to go fucking crazy with all this still in my room.”

Eskild sighed as the kettle came to the boil and he poured himself a cup of coffee. “You’ll have to talk to him some day,” he said.

“I will,” Isak told him. “Just not when I know it’ll end up with me shouting at him.”

Eskild cocked his head and sighed, hand on his heart. “My little Isak. You’re growing up.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”

 

***

 

Friday, 16:16

 **Isak** : are you still going for lunch with mum and dad tomorrow?

 **Lea** : yep, why?

 **Isak** : is it still ok if i come?

 **Lea** : ye of course

youre not going to be at your boyfriends anymore then?

                                                                                                         **Isak** : no we broke up

kind of

idk it’s complicated

we’re not talking right now anyway

 **Lea** : oh shit :(

are you ok?

 **Isak** : i guess so

 **Lea** : pizza will help

pizza and mamma<3

 

***

 

Hanna was sitting cross-legged on Even’s desk chair, and Even was propped up in bed, hood over his head. They were both painting these weird clay figures with so much concentration that they didn’t notice Isak walking into the room.

“I know you said you thought this was going to be bullshit, but I’m finding this quite relaxing,” Hanna said, examining her clay figure critically.

Even laughed, and he was about to respond when his eyes fell on Isak. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Isak replied, frowning between the two of them and setting the box of Chris’ stuff on the floor.

“Hey, Isak,” Hanna said cheerfully. “What’s in the box?”

“Uh, some of Chris’ stuff,” Isak said awkwardly, scratching his head. “Do you mind giving it to him?”

“Yeah, of course,” Hanna said.

“Did he…” Isak trailed off. “Has he told you what happened, or?”

“William did,” Hanna said, smiling sadly at him. “They came over this morning.”

Isak glanced over at Even, who was sort of just staring between the two of them. He wasn’t really sure whether to give him the whole story or not, but eventually Even said, “Hanna told me.”

“I hope that’s okay,” Hanna added uneasily.

Actually, it was a bit of a relief not to have to repeat the same story to everyone. Isak just nodded and said, “What are you two doing, anyway?”

 “Art therapy,” Even said. He was smiling, eyes a little brighter than they had been a couple of days ago.

“ _Art therapy_?” Isak repeated, scoffing, eyebrows raised as he shrugged his coat off.

“Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it,” Hanna said, paintbrush between her teeth. She turned her figure towards Isak; it looked like a weird blonde-haired doll. “What do you think?”

Isak laughed a little. “Uh, I don’t know.”

“Come on,” Hanna said. “Grab a figure from the box and get painting. It’s fun.”

Isak rolled his eyes, but grabbed a figure and a paintbrush anyway. He settled on the floor, back resting against Even’s bed, and they all kind of sat together, chatting and painting and laughing. Even didn’t talk that much, but he would laugh when Hanna or Isak said something funny and he seemed… _better_ , at least. Isak hadn’t anticipated how much relief he’d feel about it.

As much as he hated to admit it, this _was_ kind of relaxing. Even if he was managing to get paint everywhere and his figure looked less like a human and more like a lumpy, messy rainbow.

“Maybe once we’ve finished these, we can make a movie with them,” Even said thoughtfully.

Isak smirked. “Out of these?” he asked, turning his over to paint the back.

“Yeah, we could make a stop motion film,” Even said. “I made them all the time at my old school.”

“What would the plot be?” Hanna asked. She’d already finished her figure and had started painting a new one.

Even hummed. “I don’t know. An alien invasion would be cool.” He was quiet for a while, then said, “Isak’s can be the alien.”

“Fuck you,” Isak laughed. He wriggled, stretched, and moved to get up. “I need to stand up. My back’s killing me.”

“You can sit here,” Hanna said, popping her figure on the desk. “I need to go to work. Time to take coffee orders from boring white men in expensive suits.”

“Sounds fun,” Even said, smiling at her.

Hanna raised her eyebrows, pulling her bag strap over her shoulder. “Living the dream,” she said. She picked up the box of Chris’ stuff. “I’ll get this to him tonight, Isak.”

“Thanks,” Isak said.

After Hanna left, there was this kind of weirdly awkward silence between Isak and Even. Isak wasn’t really sure why. He tried to think of something to say, but his mind kept drawing a blank. His eyes flitted over Even, briefly, to see he’d returned to painting. So Isak just did the same, looking up occasionally and meeting Even’s gaze, smiling a little nervously.

After a while, though, the silence felt a little less uncomfortable.

“How, um, how are you, anyway?” Isak asked eventually.

Even looked at Isak, eyebrows raised, nodding. “Yeah, okay,” he said.

“Yeah?” Isak asked.

“Mm,” Even hummed, but he didn’t look particularly sure. “It’s kind of boring here, though.”

“I don’t know what you’re on about,” Isak said, smirking. “I’m having a great time.”

Even laughed. “No, it’s like…it’s good when people visit, but then it’s just…boring, other than that. There’s nothing to do, and you’re just waiting around for the next therapy session or med review and just…yeah, it’s just a lot of time on your own. Thinking.”

Isak twirled his paintbrush in his hand, chewing his lip. “Have you made any friends in here?”

“I’ve made some,” Even said, frowning. He smirked. “It’s not exactly the best place to make friends, though.”

Isak was quiet for a while. He knew what he wanted to ask, but it was kind of awkward and he wasn’t sure if it was too personal. He frowned, staring at his figure, and said, “You um – is it helping, though? Are you feeling better?”

Even shifted uncomfortably and frowned, nodding. “I think so.”

“You’re not…you don’t want…” Isak chewed his lip nervously, unsure of how to say it.

“The thing is it’s kind of confusing,” Even blurted out quickly, brows knitted together. “Because it’s like…the universe thing, they’re telling me that was just a delusion. And I told them about you and how you believe in parallel universes too, but they said you just believe in the theory. That _you_ weren’t delusional. I’m just trying to work out what the difference is, I guess.”

Realistically, the difference was probably that Isak hadn’t been so sure in his theory that he’d attempted to jump off a bridge because of it. But he wasn’t about to _say_ that, so instead he said, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah,” Even said quietly.

“And it’s…I mean it’s early days,” Isak continued, shrugging, leg bouncing nervously. “It’s okay to be confused. You’ve just got to take it slow.”

Even smiled, warmer than he had in a while. But it fell soon after, and Even bit his lip, eyes cast downward. “I just keep thinking there’s another universe where I actually jumped,” he said quietly.

Isak swallowed. He really wasn’t sure how much Even’s therapist would like them talking about this, but he also wondered whether it was something Even would even voice to his therapist at all.

“Yeah, but you’re not in that universe,” he said quietly.

“Do you…” Even looked up at him. “Do you think there’s a universe where I’m not bipolar?”

Isak wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know. Maybe.” He met Even’s eyes and couldn’t help wondering how often these thoughts tortured him. Despite everything, Even still felt kind of like a mystery. Isak couldn’t help feeling that there were a million unsaid things burning behind Even’s eyes; a million questions and worries and theories; a million beautiful and brilliant ideas about life and the universe and everything, and they were all cluttered together up there. Waiting for someone to listen. “Would you like there to be?”

“I don’t know,” Even replied, frowning. He looked at Isak, eyes dark and guarded, but then something in his expression softened. He was quiet for a long time, then he licked his lips and said, voice low and quiet and kind of fragile, ‘Do you think there’s a universe where we’re together?”

Isak smiled, a little sadly, and nodded. He’d wondered the same thing himself.

“Yeah,” he said finally. “I think there are a lot of universes where we’re together.”

 

***

Friday, 21:20

 **Chris** : Hey

 **Isak** : hey

 **Chris** : You didn’t want to drop my stuff off in person?

 **Isak** : sorry

 **Chris** : So are we done?

 **Isak** : i don’t know

 **Chris** : You gave me my stuff back, seems pretty final to me

 **Isak** : i couldn’t handle it all being in my room

 **Chris** : Okay

If you want to end things can you just fucking tell me

 

 **Isak** : i need to think chris

and you don’t get to decide how this goes now

you’re the one who fucked up, not me

 **Chris** : I know

I’d take it back if I could

I’m sorry, I mean it

 **Isak** : i know you do

just give me some space

 **Chris** : Whatever you want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a slow chapter, I'm aware, but it can't be all drama all the time haha. I hope it's still okay to read.  
> As usual, comments make my little heart sing, and thank you so much for all the support! <333


	32. A sudden inevitability

Saturday, 10:10AM

 **Jonas** : Party tonight?

 **Magnus** : yessssssssssss!!!!!!!!

 **Isak** : sounds good

 **Mahdi** : I’m game. Is Eva coming?

 **Jonas** : No. Just us four

 **Mahdi** : Definitely game then

 **Magnus:** sausage party!

 **Isak** : wtf

 **Jonas** : What?

 **Magnus** : that’s what they call it when guys hang out together with no girls around

 **Mahdi** : I thought that was just called Isak’s wet dream

 **Isak** : oi

watch it escobar

 **Jonas** : Hahaha

 

***

 

Isak met his parents at the pizza restaurant they would go to when he was younger. They were already waiting outside for him when he got there, and he felt a little awkward walking up to them. He wasn’t sure whether to hug them or just sort of…shake their hands. And whilst his mother pulled him in for a hug, it felt kind of weird when his dad did the same. He smiled awkwardly at Lea, who punched his arm and said, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Why don’t you two go inside?” his dad said. “I just need to have a little chat with Isak first.”

“Sure, whatever,” Lea said, linking her arm with their mother’s. “Come on, mum.”

 “What is it?” Isak asked.

“This will be a bit of a test for your mother, Isak,” his dad said quietly, glancing at Lea and his mother as they walked into the restaurant. “She’s still recovering from a few of the delusions she’s had about people trying to poison her food. So just…keep it in mind, okay? Be patient with her.”

“I’m always patient with her,” Isak snapped defensively, even though that probably wasn’t true. He looked at the floor, then said, “Or, yeah, okay, whatever. I’ll be patient.”

“Good,” his dad said, patting Isak’s shoulder before gesturing towards the door. “After you.”

Isak could kind of tell his mother was a little nervous about all this, actually. Once they were inside and settled at a table, he couldn’t help noticing the way her lips were pursed and her legs were shaking as she read through the menu. When the waiter came to take her order, she flinched.

There was this tense moment where Isak wondered whether she was going to order anything at all, but eventually, she did. Isak could almost physically feel everyone relax a little as she ordered, the tension dissolving into something easier and picking up again only when the food actually arrived.

Everyone was staring pointedly at their plates, trying not to look at her as she took a bite of her pizza.

“Mm,” she said contentedly. “It’s good.”

Isak couldn’t help the smile that crept up on his lips. “Yeah?” he asked, looking up at her.

His mother nodded. “Yes,” she said. “Would you like to try some?”

Isak wrinkled his nose, peering over at it. “It’s got tuna on it,” he said.

“Oh, of course,’ his mum said, chuckling. “You hate fish.”

“I don’t _hate_ fish,” Isak said, taking a bite of his own pizza and shrugging. “I just, you have to be a _crazy_ person to put fish on a piz—” He paused, feeling a little awkward at what he’d just said. “I mean—”

To his surprise, his mother laughed. “No, that’s literally true. I suppose I am a crazy person.”

Isak almost choked on his pizza, coughing out a surprised sort of laugh. Lea laughed, too, and it was only their dad who remained a little disgruntled at the whole thing. But things were easier after that, and they talked and laughed and it was just _that bit less awkward_. And Isak hadn’t realised how much he’d missed this; the four of them, just being happy with each other, eating lunch at a restaurant like a normal family.

When Lea and their dad left to go to the toilet, Isak’s mother smiled at him. Her eyes were warm and a little less tired, and Isak smiled fondly back at her. She placed a hand on his own.

“How are you, baby?” she asked.

Isak nodded. “I’m good,” he said.

She smiled. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said. “How are you?”

“Oh, don’t worry about me,” she said, waving a dismissive hand. “How’s your friend? The one in hospital?”

“He’s…he’s alright,” Isak said, coughing. “Or I don’t know. He’s got a long way to go. But he’s doing better, I think.” He shrugged.

“Good,” his mother said, nodding. “I’ve been thinking about him a lot. I’ve said a prayer for him every day.”

Isak smiled, but it fell kind of quickly when he remembered the last time he’d talked to his mum. How he’d told her about him and Chris, and how now that was kind of over.

As though she could read his mind, his mother looked at him and said, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I – yeah. I think me and Chris are going to break up, that’s all,” he said, shaking his head.

“Why’s that?” she asked.

“He cheated on me,” Isak told her, and he hadn’t realised how much those words would hurt to say out loud. “Which everyone said he _would_ , but, yeah. It just sucks, so.”

His mother sighed, tilting her head at him, smoothing her thumb over his hand. “I’m sorry, baby.”

His mother was going to say something else, but suddenly Isak’s dad was there again, and the moment kind of got lost. Instead, she smiled warmly at Isak, squeezed his hand, and listened as his dad told them about the weird bathroom he’d just been in.

It was a little while later when Isak realised Lea hadn’t spoken much. He looked at her, noticing that she was staring distractedly at something. He followed her gaze and saw she was looking at a young family opposite them. A mother, a father and a young child – a baby, really, maybe one or two years old.

Isak wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what he _could_ say – especially in front of their parents.

“...which was obviously – are you two listening?” their dad asked.

Isak’s attention snapped back to their dad, but Lea’s remained on the young family. Isak nudged her in the ribs and she frowned, smacking his arm and saying, “Ow, Isak, what was that for?”

Isak nodded towards their parents, who were staring at them both expectantly.

“Yeah, dad, I agree,” Lea murmured, waving a hand dismissively at him.

“Really?” their dad asked, eyebrows raised.

“Or no, whatever,” Lea snapped.

“She’s been like this for weeks,” their dad muttered to their mother. “I’m telling you, she’s worse than Isak was at her age.”

Lea let out a long, irritated sigh, then said: “Mum, dad, I got an abortion.”

Isak could have sworn the whole restaurant fell quiet at her confession. He turned to her, eyes wide, then looked back at their parents. They were both just sort of sat there, looking at her, frozen, mouths open in shock. Lea took Isak’s hand under the table, squeezing it, her leg bouncing up and down nervously.

“You – that’s a very serious thing to joke about, Lea,” their dad said.

“I’m not joking,” Lea said flatly. She swallowed, looking between the two of them. Suddenly, she was talking again, quickly and clumsily. “I know you don’t think abortions are the right answer and that I should’ve just given it up for adoption or – or kept it or – and that’s why I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t have another option and – my boyfriend wouldn’t exactly be happy if I just – and I didn’t – just – don’t shout at me.”

“Of course we’re not going to _shout_ at you, Lea,” their mum said quietly.

“Boyfriend?” their dad asked, and Isak had to physically stop himself from rolling his eyes.

Lea, however, _did_ roll her eyes. “Yes, dad, boyfriend.” She sighed. “I quit dance six months ago. It’s _his_ house I’ve been staying at every Saturday, not Anna’s.”

“I – what?” their dad spluttered. “And you’ve been having _sex_ with this boy?”

Isak raised his eyebrow at him. “Do you know any other way she could’ve gotten pregnant?” he asked.

“But you’re _fifteen_ ,” their dad continued.

“I think you’re missing the point,” their mum said quietly, patting his arm, her eyes on Lea. “Lea, thank you for telling us.”

Lea’s hand left Isak’s and she folded her arms across her chest. “I know the bible probably says stuff against it or whatever. But I – yeah. It’s done now, so.”

“Did you go all by yourself?” their mother asked.

Lea nodded. “Kind of. I asked Isak to come, but—” She glanced at him, and Isak’s eyes fell on the table guiltily. “Whatever. I went to the first appointment on my own, then my boyfriend took me to the second one.”

Their mum nodded, swallowing thickly. “Did he stay with you after?”

“He had football practice, so he couldn’t,” Lea murmured, and Isak felt another pang of guilt stab at his chest at the thought of her left alone after all that. Lea looked up at their parents again, narrowing her eyes, then rolled them and sighed. “You think I made the wrong choice.”

“No,” their mum continued. “ _No_ ,” she said again, more fiercely, casting a dark look at their dad. “Lea, I think you made a very difficult choice. One that you shouldn’t have had to make alone. And I think you’re very brave for making it.”

Lea smiled, just a little bit, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards slightly.

After the silence got just that little bit awkward, their mum sighed. “Right,” she said, peering at the menu. “What should we order for dessert? I’m thinking ice cream.”

“Ice cream sounds good,” Lea said, nodding, and Isak nodded too.

 

***

Isak woke up on Sunday morning with very little memory of the party he’d been to the night before. Whatever they’d done, it had involved a lot of drinking, and as Isak rolled onto his side he could feel it coming back to bite him on the arse. His head was _killing_ him.

“What’s that noise?” someone – Mahdi – croaked.

Isak’s eyes fluttered open, blinking against the sunlight streaming through his window. Low, thudding music was reverberating around the house, so loudly that the walls were almost vibrating with it all.

Isak groaned. “ _Eskild_ ,” he said.

“Tell him to turn it off,” Jonas murmured sleepily from beside Isak.

“Why can’t you do it?” Isak muttered, eyes fluttering closed again.

“It’s your house,” Mahdi said.

Isak sighed against his pillow. “Fuck. Fine,” he said, swaying as he sat up.

He pushed the covers off and stepped clumsily off the bed, a little dizzy with the residual alcohol in his system. He almost tripped over Magnus, who was still passed out on the floor, and he knocked over a couple of beer cans as he stumbled out of his bedroom and into the hallway. The music grew louder and louder until he reached the door to Eskild’s room, passing a very disgruntled looking Linn on the way there.

“Eskild,” Isak said, having to shout, making his head scream. He knocked loudly on the door. “ _Eskild!”_

After around a minute or so, Eskild appeared at the door, smiling serenely. “Hello, Isak!”

“What the _fuck_ , Eskild?!” Isak asked.

“Is there a problem?” Eskild asked innocently, even though he had to practically shout over the music to be heard.

“Is there – it’s fucking 9AM on a _Sunday_ , Eskild!” Isak croaked.

“Oh!” Eskild said, clutching his heart. “Did this – did this _wake_ you? Is it _annoying_ when someone wakes you up when you’d rather be sleeping?”

A very vague memory of Eskild appearing in the living room once the boys got home last night made its way into Isak’s mind.

“Ah, he remembers,” Eskild said, nodding. “4AM, Isak. 4AM.”

“Shit,” Isak said, sighing. “Sorry.”

“Mhm,” Eskild hummed.

“Can you just – just turn it down a little bit? Please?”

“If you promise you’ll never wake me up at 4AM again, then yes,” Eskild said.

“Okay,” Isak said.

“Okay?” Eskild repeated, raising his eyebrows. “I want to hear you say it. Say: I promise I won’t wake you up at 4AM again, Eskild.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Come on—”

Eskild tapped his phone, and the speakers started thumping even louder.

“Fine!” Isak snapped. “I promise I won’t wake you up at 4AM again.”

“Good,” Eskild said, turning the music down and smiling.

Isak rolled his eyes and walked back to his room, but before he got there, he bumped into William. Apparently, Eskild’s music had woken everyone in the whole house up. Isak wasn’t really surprised.

William nodded at him, and made to walk past Isak, but Isak turned around and said, “Um, William?”

William turned around, flicking some of his hair away from his eyes. “Yes?”

“Um.” Isak paused, chewing his lip. “Um, how’s Chris?”

William shrugged. “He’s okay.”

Isak licked his lips. “Are you going to see him today, or?”

William shrugged, shaking his head. “He’s with Lukas.”

“With Lukas?” Isak repeated, feeling his stomach sinking. He’d almost forgotten about the whole Denmark thing amidst everything else that was going on. “What’s he doing with Lukas?”

“They’re hanging out,” William said flatly. “I don’t know.”

“But—” Isak began.

“You need to understand they’ve been friends since they were five, Isak,” William said, turning to face Isak properly. “It’s not that easy for Chris to just cut Lukas out like you want him to.”

“I don’t—” Isak began, but then Noora was at William’s side.

“Everything okay?” she asked.

William just kind of stared at Isak, and Isak nodded. “Yeah, yeah,” Isak said distractedly, turning around and heading back into his bedroom.

His mind was in another place as he walked back into the room, and he only vaguely registered the fact that the boys – apart from Magnus – were sat up, chatting to each other. Isak flopped back on his bed next to Jonas and sighed.

“All good?” Jonas asked.

Isak let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. “My head is fucking killing me.”

“Join the club,” Mahdi mumbled. “Does anyone remember what actually happened last night?”

“I have no fucking idea,” Isak said.

Jonas slapped him on the arm. “Don’t you remember that guy?”

“What guy?” Isak asked, frowning.

“He was checking you out all night, man,” Jonas said.

“Oh,” Isak mumbled as the memory came back to him. He laughed a little, rubbing his eyes. “Yeah, fucking hell.”

“He was handsome, man, I don’t get why you didn’t hook up with him,” Jonas said.

Isak wrinkled his nose. “He wasn’t really my ty—”

Just then, Magnus stood up suddenly; Mahdi, Jonas and Isak all let out disgruntled, shocked groans, looking away quickly as Magnus sped out of the room.

“What the fuck, Magnus, why are you _naked_?” Isak asked.

“I don’t know – going to throw up –” Magnus mumbled, flying down the hallway completely stark naked.

Jonas and Mahdi laughed, and Isak did too, for a bit, but then his thoughts kind of went back to Chris and he stopped. He stared at his hands, chewing his lip as this weird combination of anger and worry began gnawing at him irritably.

“Have you spoken to Chris?” Jonas asked.

Isak looked at him, taking a little while to leave his thoughts behind. Then, he shook his head. “Nah, not really.”

“Do you want me to be honest?” Mahdi said, moving so that he was on the bed too, stretching across the foot of it.

“Um, okay,” Isak said.

“I think this thing between you and Chris is too complicated,” Mahdi said. “I mean, a relationship when you’re eighteen is supposed to be chill.”

“No relationship’s _easy_ , Mahdi,” Jonas said.

“No,” Mahdi agreed. “But there’s a line you have to draw. If it’s only ever stress, then I mean, what’s the point?”

Isak swallowed, shrugging. “It’s not _only ever stress_ ,” he mumbled pointlessly.

“No, but if it’s causing this much stress then I mean…you need to be young, too, you know?” Mahdi said. “Take things chill.”

“It’s not that easy for me to just let him go,” Isak said quietly.

“No, but maybe it’s better if you take time away from each other,” Mahdi said. “You know, then you can try things again in a few months or years or whatever when you’ve figured everything out.” Mahdi raised his eyebrows. “You don’t want to end up like this guy,” he finished, gesturing at Jonas.

“What the fuck, man?” Jonas asked.

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

“Yeah?” Isak asked.

Eskild peered inside. “Does someone want to tell me why there’s a naked boy passed out on our bathroom floor?”

 

***

Monday, 11:14AM

 

 **Hanna** : Just got a text from Sonja. Even tried to escape the hospital last night

 **Isak** : what? why?

 **Hanna** : Not sure. They aren’t letting people visit him for a couple of days until he settles down again

 **Chris** : He was fine when I saw him

 **Hanna** : When did you see him?

 **Chris** : Saturday

 **Hanna** : I saw him yesterday. He seemed okay then too

Details are a little sketchy at the moment, but they might have got the balance of the meds slightly wrong. Or it could be his disorder. Or he could have just decided he wanted to leave. Not sure which right now

But Even’s parents have agreed to replace Sonja with me as emergency contact, so we should hear something pretty soon

 **Chris** : Why aren’t his parents emergency contacts?

 **Hanna** : Better for someone who lives closer to be one I guess. They’ve given me their number so I can call them though

 **Isak** : ok

keep me updated

 **Hanna** : Will do :)

 

***

 

Monday, 17:12

 **Isak** : can we meet up tonight?

 **Chris** : Yeah

My house is empty if you want to come over

 **Isak** : ok. what time?

 **Chris** : Anytime after 21

 **Isak** : ok

 

***

 

When Isak knocked on Chris’ door, he didn’t really know what to expect. He still wasn’t sure how he felt, and it didn't help that he'd spent most of the day worrying about Even. But he knew that he couldn’t deal with the constant ache in his chest; the constant feeling that things were dragging out unnecessarily now. He didn’t like the idea of Chris feeling the same, either.

He just hadn’t expected Chris to be so beaten up when he opened the door. _Literally_. He was wearing a black jacket, hood over his head, but Isak could still see the bruises over his eyes – both of them, though one much more darker than the other; could see the bruise across the bridge of his nose, too, and another lighter one on his jaw.

He swallowed hard. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Chris said, biting his lip.

He was quiet, just looking at Isak, then gestured him inside.

It was weird, because Isak didn’t feel much anger anymore. Everything ached within him, and he was disappointed and a little broken over what had happened. But he wasn’t angry. He didn’t want to shout at Chris anymore. Didn’t want to tell him how much he’d fucked everything up. Because Chris _knew_ that. After everything, now, Isak had become kind of tuned to how Chris was feeling. He didn’t always need him to say it explicitly; he could see it in the way Chris carried himself. He felt guilty. He was sorry. It was in everything; in Chris’ heavy eyes, in the way he was biting his lip nervously, in his heavy shoulders and the slowness of his movement. It was weighing on him, all of it, and suddenly Isak had the bizarre desire to tell him that it would all be okay.

It wouldn’t, of course.

“You did the deal, then? For your dad?” Isak asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Chris said, pushing himself up on the kitchen counter. “Or, I tried to.” He shook his head. “It kind of went to shit.”

“What happened?”

Chris shrugged. “They never showed up. We went all the way to fucking Copenhagen and then just…yeah. I had to go back to my dad empty-handed, which was fun.”

Isak looked at him, swallowing hard. He moved a little closer, pushing Chris’ hair from his face and dusting his fingers over the bruises that had bloomed over Chris’ eye, his nose, down to his jaw. It made something dark and protective and reckless rise up within Isak; made him want to storm over to Chris’ dad and punch him, hit him, hurt _him_ too.

“Jesus Christ, Chris,” Isak said.

Chris didn’t look at him. He was staring at the floor, swinging his legs from the counter.

“He doesn’t usually…” He trailed off and shook his head, flitting his eyes over Isak very quickly. “It’s the first time he’s hit me where people can actually _see_ it.”

“Okay,” Isak said, not really sure what to say. He kind of wanted Chris to keep talking.

Chris bit his lip. “I don’t know what to tell my mum,” he said finally. “She’ll fucking flip out if she sees me. And she said she’d stop paying rent for me if I got into another fight.” He sighed. “It’s just bullshit.”

Isak was quiet for a long time. Then, very quietly, he said, “You could always tell her the truth.”

Chris laughed. “Nah, I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” Chris sat up straighter, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t you think she deserves to know?” Isak asked.

“Not if it’ll hurt her, no,” Chris said, frowning.

“Chris, you…” He shook his head. “You can’t just – sometimes people need to know the truth, even if it’ll hurt them.”

“What if she hates me for it, though?” Chris asked suddenly.

“What?” Isak asked, taken aback. “Why would she hate you?”

Chris pressed his lips together. He sighed. “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “It doesn’t fucking matter, anyway. Dad left again.”

“He left?” Isak repeated.

“Yeah,” Chris said. “When I got back, he was so angry and he just…” Chris trailed off, staring at his lap again. “Just beat the shit out of me and left, so.”

“But…” Isak chewed his lip. “But you could still tell her, Chris. She wouldn’t hate you.”

Chris wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair, then said, “I was thinking maybe I could tell William.”

Isak raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Chris said, coughing roughly. “I mean, sometimes I think maybe he knows anyway.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Isak said, smiling a little.

They were quiet for a time. Chris dragged his eyes to meet Isak’s, gaze heavy, silence hanging between them; a thousand unsaid things that Isak knew needed to be said. And it was torture, really, because he could so easily slip back into something with Chris. He loved him; he couldn’t help it, even though Chris had hurt him and things between them felt irreparably damaged now.

Isak opened his mouth to speak, but Chris spoke first.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Isak,” he said.

Isak looked at him, and he knew Chris meant it. He really did. And there was no anger there, really. Not now. It was something much sadder than anger; deeper than disappointment; more tiring than exhaustion. But whatever this feeling was, it didn’t make him hate Chris. He wasn’t really sure anything could, really.

“I know you are,” Isak said quietly.

“This is it, isn’t it?” Chris asked, smile sad and small and barely there.

Isak pressed his lips together and nodded. “Yeah,” he said finally, the weight of what he was saying tumbling on him all of a sudden, pressing on his chest and his lungs. “I think so.”

Chris swallowed, nodding. Let out a breathy laugh and shook his head. “I fucked it up.”

“I think we both did,” Isak confessed, frowning. When Chris looked up at him, confused, Isak continued. “You know, I...I spent so long wanting something more from you that I never acknowledged what you wanted. That was shit of me.”

“I wanted you,” Chris said.

“Yeah, maybe,” Isak said. “But you weren’t ready. I don’t think either of us were.”

Chris paused, then shook his head. “No,” he admitted.

“The thing is…” Isak trailed off, looking at Chris. He blinked, chest aching, then swallowed thickly. “I think I need to just…get some breathing space and, like, I need to figure out who I am. And I think _you_ do, too.” His breath hitched a little and he sighed shakily. “And I don’t think we can do that while we’re together, so.”

“Yeah,” Chris said quietly.

Isak smiled. “Maybe…maybe when we’ve figured everything out we can give it another go.”

Chris nodded, biting his lip, eyes trailing over Isak’s body, settling on his eyes. He smiled back, small but there. “Yeah.”

Silence engulfed them again, but it wasn’t really uncomfortable or unfriendly. It was the two of them taking their time, letting the dust settle. A mutual kind of understanding. And then Chris slid off the counter, and he had moved towards Isak. They didn’t kiss, although they were standing painfully close to one another; close enough that Isak could feel Chris’ eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. He skated his fingers over Chris’ arms, up and down, feeling the hairs on Chris’ arms stand up as he did it.

On the one hand, he knew this was potentially a bad idea. A part of him worried that if he gave into Chris again, he’d never be able to leave. That the strength he’d somehow miraculously gathered to end things properly would leave him as soon as Chris’ lips were against his own. But there was another part of him – a stronger, louder part of him – that knew they both needed this. Needed closure, otherwise they’d always be left with this hollow kind of emptiness; always be wondering why they didn’t just touch each other one last time.

Isak wasn’t sure who kissed who. They kind of drifted towards one another, magnetic, Chris’ hands cupping Isak’s face as their lips met. And it was a slow kiss at first; slow but firm, breathing into one another, sighing contentedly at the familiarity of it all. Chris broke away for just a second, hands still cupping Isak’s face, and looked at his eyes searchingly. Isak just nodded, and that seemed to be enough, because soon Chris was kissing him again; harder, this time, with more hunger, and Isak just kissed him back, and they kissed and kissed until their hands were wandering over each other’s bodies and they were pulling soft moans from one another’s mouths.

“Yeah?” Chris asked, pulling back again to look at Isak, his cheeks red, pupils blown wide.

“Yeah,” Isak hummed, pulling Chris towards him, stumbling backwards along the familiar path to Chris’ bedroom.

Chris pressed him against the door, kissing him as Isak’ s hand clutched clumsily at the door handle until it swung open. They parted again, looking at each other, drinking each other in. Chests rising and falling. Breath heavy. Thinking _yes, we’re going to do this. One last time_. _Me and you_.

Chris took his shirt off, and Isak swallowed and did the same, his snapback falling to the floor as he did so. Chris smiled and moved forward, running a hand through Isak’s hair, then pushed him onto the bed; they began kissing again, Chris on top of Isak until Isak pushed Chris onto his back. Began kissing his neck, down to his chest, wanting to keep the sound of Chris’ fluttered breathing playing in his mind forever.

He moved down further, softly ghosting his lips across the fresh bruises on Chris’ ribs, wanting so desperately to heal them. He looked up at Chris as he did it; brown eyes meeting green, a quiet understanding passing between the two of them before Isak closed his eyes and kissed lower, hand messing with the clasp on Chris’ jeans.

Before Chris, Isak had always thought that taking someone else into his mouth was something dirty; something that would never be anything more than a quick way to get someone off. He hadn’t realised how intimate it could feel. Because this _was_ intimate. Everything about it; the trust, the feel of Chris in his mouth, the noises it elicited from him, the closeness of it all. Chris’ eyes were closed, thick eyelashes casting dark shadows over his flushed cheeks; he had one hand on Isak’s shoulder, the other behind his own head, and Isak could only watch as he worked Chris and saw him unravel before him, stopping only when he felt Chris get too close.

It wasn’t long before Isak was on his back, hands threaded in Chris’ hair, pulling him into breathless, heated kisses as Chris moved his fingers inside Isak, slowly, enough to make Isak tremble beneath him; enough to make his toes curl a little and his eyes flutter shut with the feeling of it all; but still not _enough_.

“ _Chris_ ,” Isak murmured against Chris’ lips.

“Ready?” Chris asked, pressing one – two – three quick kisses to Isak’s lips before Isak nodded, watching through half-lidded eyes as Chris grabbed a condom from the bedside table. He swallowed thickly as Chris rolled it on and positioned himself between Isak’s legs, returning to his lips, kissing deeply, and Isak could only kind of half return the kiss as Chris pushed into him; could simply clutch at Chris’ back, pulling him closer, nails digging into his flesh a little desperately as Chris began to move inside him. And it was pleasure, sweet and comfortable and familiar but new and exciting every single time; it was the way they fitted together perfectly, moving with one another as they chased blissful release; it was the two of them, connected, kissing and tugging and pulling each other impossibly closer with each movement, moaning and gasping into one another; it was foreheads pressed together, the stuttered breaths they released as they climaxed; Chris first, Isak soon after, ripples of pleasure burning through the two of them as they clung to one another. Tied. Anchored. Connected. One.

Chris collapsed next to Isak, chest rising and falling rapidly, hair sticking to his forehead. They moved to face one another, golden in the aftermath of it all. But the sadness was kicking in, too; the realisation that this was it. They were done. They couldn’t do this again.

His relationship with Chris had always felt like it was travelling at a million miles an hour in a thousand different directions. It had been explosive and turbulent and raw and so, so good; it could make his heart go from aching to skipping within seconds; it could make his eyes go from fluttering shut with pleasure to _squeezed_ shut with laughter; it could make his voice stutter and tremble with unsaid things to _saying_ _them_ , finally, exposed and vulnerable and relieved. It had been so much, had _meant_ so much, and it just felt so inexplicably wrong that neither of them had been able to make it work. This ending felt like a sudden inevitability that neither of them had wanted to see come to light; but here it was.

And Isak couldn’t help it; couldn’t help feeling it all hit him at once; couldn’t help the way his cheeks got a little redder and his eyes a little wetter; couldn’t help his breathing stutter as a tear rolled down his cheek. He cried too much, he knew that. He just hadn’t expected a tear to leave _Chris’_ eye, too; hadn’t expected Chris’ brows to be knitted together in confusion, his breath catching in his throat. And Isak just put a hand on Chris’ face and brushed the tear away, surprised that this didn’t make Chris flinch or move or do _something_ other than just lie there, looking at Isak, letting himself be comforted. Isak just stared back for a while before leaning in and kissing Chris again.

And it just felt like the cruellest twist in destiny, because Isak couldn’t help thinking that if love alone was enough to make this work then they would never have to end any of it.

But it wasn’t enough, was it? That was the problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sfnjksfsdf I don't even know anymore  
> This fic is officially going to be 34 chapters long. I'm sticking to that number.  
> Comments & kudos, as usual, make me so so so happy!  
> I love you all so so much <333333 x infinity  
> e-naesheim.tumblr.com/


	33. They all could

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't read Ch32 because of Ao3 being down for maintenance, make sure you pop over and read that chapter first!  
> Trigger warnings: hospitals and mental illness

Isak really shouldn’t have stayed the night.

If he’d just left right after they hooked up, this would have been a lot easier. He could have said goodbye; he could have gotten dressed and left and maybe it would have been awkward but at least it wouldn’t have been this fucking _painful_.

Because Isak woke up to the feel of Chris’ fingers skating across his cheekbone, his jaw, his forehead. Woke up to Chris’ bruised face looking at him, eyes tired and open and vulnerable. And Isak would have quite happily stayed there forever, in that bed, not having to worry about the world that was waking up around them.

“Hey,” Chris said, retreating his hand and Isak had to physically stop himself from pulling it back to where it had been.

“Hey,” Isak whispered. He swallowed thickly. “Uh, what time is it?”

“Half seven,” Chris told him.

Isak nodded. Stretched, sighed, stared at the ceiling. “I should get ready for school.”

“Yeah,” Chris said.

Isak looked at Chris, lips pressed together, and he had a million things he wanted to say stuck in his throat. _Are_ _you_ _okay_ _,_ _are_ _you_ _going_ _to_ _be_ _okay_ _,_ _please_ _say_ _we_ _can_ _still_ _be_ _friends_ _,_ _please_ _don_ _’_ _t_ _cut_ _me_ _out_ _of_ _your_ _life_ _forever_ _,_ _please_ _know_ _that_ _this_ _means_ _a_ _lot_ _to_ _me_ _,_ _that_ you _mean_ _a_ _lot_ _to_ _me_ _,_ _please_ _understand_ _that_ _._ _Please_ _please_ _please_.

To his surprise, though, it was Chris that spoke first, sighing as he did, eyes half-shut.

“I can’t stand the idea of not having you in my life,” Chris said quietly. It was the soft sort of thing Chris spoke through a croaky morning voice while he was still half asleep. A little more open and a little more vulnerable. “We don’t have to fuck or whatever but I just. I don’t want to deal with us never speaking again.”

And Isak wondered whether Chris could possibly understand how much that meant to Isak; how much Isak had needed to hear it.

Isak swallowed. “You won’t have to.” Chris opened his eyes and Isak sighed. Tried to find the right words to use here. “I’m not saying this whole… _friends_ thing is going to be easy. I think it’s going to be really fucking hard, actually, but…I think we’ll work it out.”

Chris smiled. "Yeah?" he asked.

"Yeah," Isak said firmly. He felt himself smile a little; corners of his mouth twitching upwards, sighing and nodding as he did so. “We’ll be okay.”

 

***

Wednesday, 14:19

 **Magnus** : i think i’ve figured out why i’m single

 **Isak** : desperation?

 **Mahdi** : Idiocy?

 **Magnus** : no!!

shut up

it’s because i haven’t broadened my horizons enough

 **Jonas** : You’ve broadened them to every girl in Norway

Your horizons couldn’t get much broader

 **Magnus** : EXACTLY

 **Isak** : ???

 **Magnus** : i need to become bisexual!!!

 **Jonas** : “become bisexual”?

I don’t think you understand how sexuality works, Mags

 **Magnus** : fuck you!! i bet there are loads of boys who’d want to bang me

right isak??

 **Isak** : no

and how would i know whether boys want to bang you

 **Magnus** : because you’re a boy

 **Isak** : …..so are you

 **Magnus** : yes but you’re gay

 **Mahdi** : And you’re stupid

 **Jonas** : Mags do you even find boys attractive?

 **Magnus** …no….

 **Jonas** : Then I think that’s a major flaw in your plan

 **Magnus** : hmmmmm

 **Mahdi** : Hahahaha

 **Isak** : don’t worry mags

you’ll find someone eventually

probably

 **Jonas** : In ten…

 **Mahdi** : Fifteen…

 **Jonas** : Maybe like twenty years

 **Magnus** : wow.

 

***

 

Lea met Isak at their mother’s house on Thursday evening, her hair dyed bright blue. Isak looked at her, and she just rolled her eyes and gave him a hug.

The house was tidy, but it was horrifically dirty; dust had settled over all the surfaces and it was kind of damp, too, a weird smell filling the house.

“When’s she coming home?” Isak asked as Lea set down some cleaning products on the kitchen counter.

“Sunday,” Lea told him. “I thought we could go to church with her or something, then bring her back here. I mean I know you think the whole God thing is kind of bullshit, but I figure it’ll be good for her to –”

“No,” Isak said, nodding. “No, I want to come. It sounds good.”

“Okay,” Lea said, smiling. Then, she whacked him on the arm. “But it’ll be at 10AM. Don’t oversleep.”

Isak rolled his eyes and laughed, and Lea just kind of smirked too and handed him some rubber gloves.

They set to work, wiping down all the surfaces, dusting away the cobwebs, mopping the floors and vacuuming the carpets. Clearing away the grime, the dirt that had settled, and most of it was probably actually there before their mother was hospitalised, but they didn’t really mind. It was kind of good, really; therapeutic to scrub and scrub and just get rid of everything that had gathered after years of their mother living on her own.

At some point, Isak realised that Lea had gone quiet. He frowned, called out her name, and found her sitting on the living room floor with a photo album balanced on her crossed legs.

“You’re supposed to be cleaning,” Isak said, a little irritably.

To his surprise, Lea just laughed. She didn’t look at him, but she gestured him over. “Come here. Look at this.”

Isak sighed, taking his gloves off and throwing them on the coffee table before settling on the floor beside her. “What?”

Lea held up a photo of the family – all of them, their mother, father, Isak and Lea – sat together at the pizza restaurant they’d visited the other day. Isak must have been about ten years old in the photo. He frowned, smiling, taking the photo in his hand and examining it.

"Jeez," Isak said, laughing a little.

“Do you miss it?” Lea asked. Isak turned to her, and Lea's eyes were glossy and open and genuine and curious.

“Miss what?” Isak said, handing the photo back to her.

Lea shrugged. “Being a normal family. Going for food, living together…”

“Lea,” Isak said, smiling to himself. “We have never been a normal family. Two hours after that photo was taken, mum had a total meltdown about the devil cancelling her favourite television show.”

Lea wrinkled her nose. “I don’t remember that.”

“No, because it’s easier to just remember the good stuff,” Isak said.

Lea hummed, popping the photo back between the plastic lining of the album and examining some other photos. Isak watched her, kind of fondly, realising once more how much he’d missed her company.

“Lea,” he said eventually.

“Mm?” Lea hummed.

“You…” He sat up, awkwardly, then said, “You know your boyfriend?”

Lea shot him a cold glance. “What about him?”

Isak screwed his face up. Couldn’t believe he was about to have this talk with her. “I just need to know that I’m not going to get another call from you saying you want an abortion again.”

Lea frowned, then her face relaxed into something much more mortified. “Oh my God,” she said. “No, Isak, you’re not giving me the safe sex talk.”

“Look, this is fucking awkward for me, too, but I just think—”

“No!” Lea said, bouncing to her feet with her fingers in her ears. “No, no, no, we are _not_ doing this.”

“Okay, fine!” Isak said, laughing, watching her walk around the room until she stopped, staring at him.

“You promise you won’t bring it up again?” she asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry,” he said.

Lea huffed, flopping back down beside him. “It’s fine,” she said sternly. She eyed him for a while, then shook her head. “We actually broke up, so.”

Isak raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I don’t fucking know. He was so happy when I said I wanted an abortion. And at first I was like, great, you know, because I was so terrified he’d break up with me when I told him I was pregnant. But then he was just… _so_ fucking happy, and he didn’t get why I was upset. Because like, yeah, you know, I didn’t _want_ a kid or anything but it was still kind of bullshit of him to be so fucking happy about the whole thing and I just…yeah. It made me see him totally differently, I guess.”

Isak nodded, chewing his lip, then smiled. “Okay,” he said. “Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you made the right decision.”

“I know I did,” Lea said, but she smiled at him regardless. She sighed, leaning her head on his shoulder. “Look at us. Both single and fucking miserable.”

Isak let out a laugh and smiled down at her. “We aren’t that miserable,” he said.

“No,” she agreed. “Not that miserable.”

 

***

 

Friday, 21:22

 **Chris** : Iiiiiiiisak

 **Isak** : hey

 **Chris** : Come to our. House

We’re having a party

 **Isak** : haha

sounds fun but I’m catching up on schoolwork

 **Chris** : Pfft

You’re boring now you’re single

 **Isak** : hahaha

fuck you

 **Chris** : Thought we agreedyou werent going to fuck me anymore

 **Isak** : shut up

(21:31)

Chris?

 **Chris** : Yeah?

 **Isak** : why did you visit Even last Saturday?

 **Chris** : Just. Wanted to say sorryy to him

 **Isak** : what for?

 **Chris** : Everyhitng I guess

Being an arsehole lol

 **Isak** : lol

okay

well i'm glad you did

have fun at the party

 **Chris** : Can’t persuade you to join? Hanna’s made jelly shots

 **Isak** : i’m good

are you going with hanna to see even tomorrow?

 **Chris** : Yep

 **Isak** : ok, see you then

 

***

 

Hanna picked Isak up at 10AM on Saturday morning, and as Isak walked towards her car, he could see Chris in the front seat, too. Isak swallowed, not really knowing how this was going to go, kind of nervous that things would be a little awkward between him and Chris. It didn’t help that they were going to visit Even, of all people.

But then Chris leant over and pressed the horn on Hanna’s steering wheel, making her – and, okay, Isak – jump, and Hanna slapped Chris playfully.

“What was that for?” Isak asked as he opened the boot of Hanna’s car, throwing his bag inside.

“You were being slow,” Chris said, grinning. “Get in, we’re going to be late.”

Hanna had a pair sunglasses on and was looking uncharacteristically fragile; dressed in sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, hair scraped into a messy bun. She sipped tentatively on her smoothie and smiled as Isak entered the car.

“Good morning,” she said groggily.

“Be careful,” Chris murmured as Isak climbed into the back seat. “Hanna’s hungover.”

“I’m not _hungover_ ,” she said indignantly, turning the keys in the ignition. “I’m just a bit tired. And I have a headache.”

“Yeah, you’re hungover. So am I,” Chris told her. “We shouldn’t have had all those shots last night.”

Hanna raised a hand to silence him as she began driving. “Don’t mention shots ever again.”

“Hanna let her wild side out,” Chris said, turning to Isak, grinning. “It was fucking hilarious. I forgot how funny you can be when you’ve had a drink, Hanna.”

Hanna scoffed, frowning. “Thanks, Chris.”

They arrived at the hospital a short time later, and things were kind of nice and relaxed and Isak was surprised at how easy this all felt; him and Chris and Hanna, talking and laughing and being friendly.

“Did they say anything more about Even?” Isak asked eventually, just before they reached his room.

Hanna sighed. “Not really. He’s just…” She shrugged. “He seems to be doing a bit better. No more escape attempts, anyway.”

“I don’t blame him for wanting to escape,” Chris said. “This place is fucking miserable.”

They rounded the corner. Hanna’s fingers circled on the door handle to Even’s room, but then she pulled back, because they could hear someone talking to Even in there.

 “I just don’t _understand_ you. We’ve been through this a thousand times. You _have_ to give recovery a go if you want to get better.”

It was Even’s mother. There was this awkward few minutes where Hanna tried desperately to chat to Isak and Chris in an attempt to drown out the conversation – because it wasn’t their business and they shouldn’t be listening – but none of them could really help overhearing.

“You aren’t being held here against your will. You could have discharged yourself if you wanted to. Why did you try to escape? What was the point? Was it your illness? Another delusion? Even, sweetheart, please talk to me. I want to understand.”

“Maybe we should just knock and make our presence known,” Hanna suggested.

Isak nodded, but both of them still stood kind of awkwardly, frozen to the spot.

“I don’t think you understand how much stress this places on us when you act like this, Even. I love you, darling, but I haven’t slept a single night since you were hospitalised. Can you look at me, please? Do I need to take time off work again? Even?”

Chris moved between Isak and Hanna and knocked on Even’s door, and he didn’t bother waiting for a reply before pushing it open.

Even’s mother was sat on the bed, next to Even, who had his knees to his chest and looked like someone who hadn’t slept in weeks. He was staring at nothing in particular, a vague haze to his eyes that was kind of unsettling to look at.

“Oh, hello, Hanna,” Even’s mother said, dabbing her eyes with the end of her sleeve. “Boys.”

“I – we can come back,” Hanna said awkwardly.

“No, no, it’s okay. I need to get back to work anyway,” she said busily, sniffing as she popped her phone in her bag and stood up off the bed. She leant over to give Even a quick peck on the cheek, telling him she loved him and that she’d see him tomorrow. Even just kind of nodded numbly, pouting a little.

“Hanna, Chris, can I talk to you two outside for a second, please?” she asked.

Hanna and Chris blinked a little, looked at each other, then nodded, following Even’s mother out and leaving Even and Isak alone.

Isak smiled nervously at Even, sitting on the bed beside him. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Even said, still not really meeting Isak’s gaze.

“Everything okay?” Isak asked.

“Yeah,” Even said, swallowing thickly.

“…know that you’re trying, and I really appreciate all you’re doing for him, but I just think it’s better if Even moves back in with me after he’s discharged,” they heard Even’s mother say.

Even sighed, rolling his eyes, flopping down on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. His eyes were wet and glossy, and Isak just kind of looked at him. Wasn’t sure whether to try and drown Even’s mother out or just let Even listen.

“...and I did _wonder_ if it was a good decision, him living on his own, and now that he and Sonja aren’t together anymore I just don’t like the idea of him dealing with all this on his by himself,” his mother said.

“Do you want to listen to some music?” Isak blurted out, scrambling in his bag for some headphones. They came out all tangled, though, and they were still plugged into his laptop and—

“I can’t move back in with my parents,” Even said quietly.

Isak froze, turning to look at Even. “No?”

“No,” Even said. He looked at Isak, blue eyes wide and searching.

Isak swallowed. “Why not?”

“Because…” Even licked his lips, looking back up at the ceiling. “Because I want to live my own life. I hate other people controlling me all the time.” His eyes flitted over Isak’s again, very briefly, and he said, “That’s why I tried to escape.”

“Yeah?” Isak asked, kind of surprised and a little confused that Even was telling him this. He’d pictured himself having to really tease the information out of him.

“Yeah,” Even said.

Isak licked his lips. “What do you mean, people controlling you?” he asked quietly.

“Just…people try telling me all this stuff, trying to…the thing is I know sometimes my thoughts aren’t real but…all these doctors and – they’re all just trying to control how I think and what I feel. And it just feels so fucking claustrophobic all the time, I don’t know.”

Isak shifted uncomfortably, and he realised quickly it was because Even was talking like he was on the bridge again. Okay, maybe he was calmer and he wasn’t about to try killing himself, and his thoughts seemed more collected and his words were softer. But Isak had seen first-hand how dangerous this type of thinking was for Even: how profoundly the idea of losing control could affect him.

“You know you…” Isak trailed off. “Your thoughts are _your thoughts_ , Even. They are real and they aren’t anyone else’s.” He turned to look at him properly, green eyes meeting blue, and Even just had this look in his eyes that was almost…almost hopeful. Hopeful and fearful and desperate and tired all at once. “No one can control what you think. Maybe sometimes if you…if you get confused or…or you want to” – he swallowed – “if you want to hurt yourself or whatever, then people can try and help you…see…another perspective, or…or they can show you another _way_ to think, but only _you_ can actually change it.”

“Do you think?” Even asked.

“Yeah,” Isak said, nodding. “But I…I think they’re all just trying to help, that’s all.”

“I know,” Even said quickly, harshly. He swallowed. “But I just feel…just…I feel like I can’t be happy without them thinking I’m going manic, and I can’t be sad without them thinking I’m depressed, and I can’t have fucking thoughts and ideas of my own without them thinking I’m delusional.”

Isak didn’t really know what to say. He was quiet, chewing his lip, wanting desperately to make all this disappear for Even. That wasn't possible, of course.

“…promise you, Mrs. Næsheim,” Hanna was saying, “that I never would have agreed to be his EC if I didn’t think I could handle it…”

“I’m sorry,” Even said.

Isak frowned. “For what?”

“For dumping all this on you,” Even said.

“I don’t mind,” Isak said honestly. Because really, he didn’t. If anything, he actually preferred hearing about Even’s thoughts. He wanted to hear more of them. Because yes, they were a little sad and a little broken but at least Even wasn’t bottling them all up; at least he wasn’t letting them fill him up and up until he was overflowing with hurt or confusion or desperation. And no, Isak wasn’t a therapist; no, he probably couldn’t offer much in the way of advice. Even’s thoughts – especially the more damaging ones – seemed to be wrapped securely around Even’s brain, intertwined with his being, holding on tight for the moment. And Isak wasn’t sure how much he could change that, really. Knew that the only person who _could_ change that was Even. But Isak could _listen_. He could _be there_ , sitting with Even as he tried to figure things out. And maybe that wasn’t much, but maybe it was kind of a lot, too. Because hopefully it made Even feel a little more loved and a little less alone.

“I just hate burdening people with all this,” Even continued.

Isak frowned. Turned to face Even properly, and when he saw that Even’s eyes were cast downward, Isak placed two hands on Even’s cheeks and gently tilted his head up so they were looking at each other. “Even,” he began, shaking his head, wishing his voice sounded less nervous and more strong. “Even, you are not a burden.”

Even smiled, only a little bit, but it was there. And he was going to say something else, but then Hanna and Chris were back in the room, and they were kind of dragged out of whatever the hell had just crossed between them and brought roughly back to the room around them.

“Right,” Hanna sighed, shaking herself a little. “Hey, Even.”

“Hey,” Even said, voice cracking. His eyes skated over Chris, and Isak could kind of tell he was looking at the bruises beaten into Chris’ face, even though his eyes flitted away pretty quickly. “Hi, Chris.”

“Hey, Even.”

“How are you?” Hanna asked, popping her bag on the floor.

“I’m okay,” Even said, nodding, sitting up. “Tired.”

“Ugh, join the club,” Hanna said, rolling her eyes, sitting at Even’s desk chair. “I feel like I need to slip into a coma or something. Just for a week or two.”

“Fun night?” Even asked, smirking.

“Hanna was crazy,” Chris said, sitting on the floor. “It was hilarious, she hooked up with—”

“No no,” Hanna said, shaking her head. “We are _not_ talking about this.”

Even let out this breathy sort of laugh, eyebrows raised, looking between the two of them. But then they were quiet for a while, long enough for Even’s smile to fall a little.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Hanna asked.

Even pressed his lips together, nodding, frowning, but then he shook his head and said, “I just…I heard what my mum was saying, and I…If you want me to move out, I’ll under—”

“Do _you_ want to move out?” Hanna asked calmly.

“No,” Even said quietly.

“Then we don’t want you to either,” Hanna said simply.

They were quiet again, Even’s smile coming back to him just a little bit. Fragile and small but there and hopeful.

“Have you been sketching again?” Hanna asked, flipping through one of the sketchbooks on Even’s desk.

“I want to,” Even said, nodding. “Chris brought those over on Saturday, so.”

Isak paused, frowning, looking up at Chris. “ _You_ brought them over?”

Chris shrugged. “Yeah,” he said, like it wasn’t weird at all.

“That was very nice of you, Chris,” Hanna said sceptically.

Chris shrugged again, bigger this time, pretending to look offended. “I can be nice.” He yawned, stretched, then said, “How do you cope in here, man? It’s so boring.”

Even shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t know.”

“Shall we watch a film?” Hanna suggested. “Isak’s brought his laptop.”

“Yeah,” Even hummed. He was still kind of groggy and a little slow – at least in his movements – but his eyes were glistening just a bit.

“Yeah? Okay,” Isak said, nodding, pulling his laptop out of his bag. “Um, where shall I –”

“Do you think there’s enough room for us all on Even’s bed?” Hanna asked, but she was kind of climbing over anyway.

“Um, I don’t—” Isak began, because the bed was just a single one and it was a squeeze with just him and Even on it, really. And then Chris was coming over too, and, well, apparently this was happening.

“Ow, Chris, your elbow is in my fucking – rib –” Isak muttered, as they all squashed onto one another. Hanna, being the smallest of them all, was lying on her side between Even and the wall; Isak was pressed between Even and Chris; half of Chris’ body was lying on Isak’s and the other half was lying on nothing, just kind of dangling in the air with a foot on the floor, and Even was disappearing somewhere between Isak and Hanna, and it took a lot of awkward shuffling and rejigging until they were all _somewhat_ comfortable on Even’s tiny bed. And then Hanna and Chris were forced to move again when Isak opened up his laptop and began playing the film – The Great Gatsby – because they realised that neither of them could actually see the screen.

They watched the film for a while, and as usual, the film itself was just all a bit too much for Isak’s taste. Too dramatic, too much going on, too dazzling and glamorous and over-the-top. But he sat quietly throughout it, content in the little sanctuary the four of them had somehow created in Even’s tiny bedroom. Because that’s what it felt like, all of a sudden. Because whilst he was aware that Even was still ill, and Chris’ dad was still around, it didn’t seem to matter in this room right now. Right now, things were okay. They were good. Quiet breathing and soft chuckles and pillows and blankets and then, eventually, snoring; Even first, then Hanna, and even Chris, after an hour or so. Everyone apart from Isak, who ended up just sort of sat, squashed uncomfortably between everyone, watching a film he didn’t particularly like as his neck got progressively stiffer and his arms became numb.

But actually, it was alright. More than that, really. It was kind of nice.

“Do you still think about all those universes?” Even asked, quietly, and Isak hadn’t realised he had woken back up.

“Hm?” Isak asked, moving a little so that the angle wasn’t so awkward as they talked.

“The universes,” Even said. “All the parallel universes. Do you still think about them?”

“Sometimes,” Isak said. “But…” He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know how much I care about them anymore.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “No?”

“No,” Isak said quietly.

Chris moved against him, fidgeting a little before he began snoring softly again.

“Why not?” Even asked gently.

“I just don’t think it matters what’s going on in other universes," Isak said. "This is the only universe that matters right now."

Because it was true, wasn't it? There was an endless infinity of possible universes that he could’ve ended up in, but Isak had landed in this one. This one, that meant he was squashed in bed with three people, two of them a little battered and a little broken, but all of them loved. And maybe there were other universes where things worked out differently, and maybe there weren’t. Maybe there were no other universes at all. But it didn’t really matter, because this was where Isak was now; where Even was, where Chris was, where they all were. And even though it had been hard and messy and heart breaking at times, and even though there was a part of Isak that feared for the future – for Even, for Chris, for his mother, for Lea, for university, for a thousand other things to come – there was a bigger part of him that kind of knew it would be okay. That no matter what, things would probably work out. And if they didn’t, well, then that was okay.

Because Isak had survived this much, and he could survive much more, too.

They all could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm...yeah....getting emo now thinking about the end of this fic lmao.  
> Next chapter will be the epilogue.  
> I love you all so much. Thank you for your support, as usual. I can't really form sentences RN but just know I love and appreciate you all so so so so much. Just. yeah. <333333


	34. EPILOGUE

 

 

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

 

“I don’t get it,” Magnus was saying, spinning a football lazily in his hand as Mahdi and Jonas played FIFA. “How can you just be friends with someone you used to hook up with? Isn’t it weird?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Why does _everyone_ think it has to be weird?”

“I don’t think it’s weird,” Mahdi said, shrugging, eyes fixed on the screen. “I think it’s cool.”

“But…” Magnus sat up, looking at Isak. “I mean, don’t you ever just want to fuck each other?”

Isak shrugged. “Sometimes,” he admitted, taking a swig of his beer.

“So what do you do?” Magnus asked.

“Think about something else,” Isak said.

“But…fucking hell, how?” Magnus asked. “If I wanted to hook up with someone, that’s all I’d be able to think about for the whole time I was hanging out with them.”

“That’s why no one wants to hook up with you,” Jonas said. “Oh – fuck – no no no, kick it the other way – ah.”

“Ha,” Magnus said. Then, “But seriously, Isak, how do you do it?”

Isak sighed. “I don’t know. We just…I just think about how much hooking up would fuck up what we have now, and like…how good we are right now. And things would just go to shit if we started fooling around again, and so I just…I don’t know. I just think about how much I don’t want to lose what we have at the moment. That feels more important to me – us – than hooking up.”

Mahdi scoffed. “So what he means is he goes for a wank.”

Isak laughed. “Yeah, that too.”

The thing was, things hadn’t been easy. In fact, things had been even harder than Isak had anticipated. There were nights, many of them, when Isak wondered whether he’d made the right decision. And there were some nights, too – late nights; early mornings, really – where Chris would ring Isak or Isak would ring Chris, and they would just talk and listen to each other’s voices and the unspoken _want_ buried beneath the words. And maybe there had been one night, when they had both been drinking, where they called each other and muttered in heavy voices all the things they wanted to do to each other’s bodies. That had been the lowest point, because Isak woke up the next day with dread knitted in his stomach and an inexplicable guilt and uneasiness running through his body. But he’d called Chris, and he’d told him how he felt, and Chris said he felt just as shit about it too.

Then things had gotten a bit easier again. Because they kind of fitted back into each other’s life in the way this had all begun: as friends. It was a little different and a little harder and it wasn’t _quite the same_ , and they were both a little confused as to how they could miss things they no longer wanted. But they were working on it, both of them, and things were getting easier every day. And at the end of it all, it was kind of worth it.

 

***

 

Saturday, 16:09

 

 **Hanna** : Operation Surprise Birthday Party for Even is underway. His friends have taken him to the cinema. Isak, when are you coming over?

 **Isak** : on my way now

 **Hanna** : Did you remember to pick up the food this morning?

 **Isak** : shit i forgot

 **Hanna** : Isak!!!!!!!

Can you collect it on your way?

I’ll ring them now and see if they still have it on hold

 **Isak** : i’m kidding hanna

i picked it up this morning

 **Chris** : Hahaha

 **Hanna** : Bastard

 **Isak** : ;)

see you in a bit

 

 

***

 

It had actually been Chris’ idea to throw Even a party. At first, everyone was a bit sceptical about it – Even had only been out of hospital for a little over a month, and he’d only been back at university for two weeks – but one evening, Even had mentioned that he’d quite like to throw one. Hanna had said she didn’t think it was a good idea, considering they all had exams coming up, but that evening she’d messaged Chris and Isak and they’d come up with this plan together.

Isak knocked on the front door, which in itself was a struggle, because he was holding boxes of food piled so high he had to crane his neck around them to see where he was going.

“It’s open!” came Hanna’s voice.

When Isak walked inside, it was to the sight of Hanna sat a little precariously on Chris’ shoulders, pinning a birthday banner to the wall. Isak looked at the two of them, cocking an eyebrow, before moving to put some of the food in the fridge. There wasn’t really enough room, though, and he had to sort of put his whole weight against the fridge door to close it; he knocked a magnet off, sending one of the sketches of Hanna, Even and Chris that Even had drawn to the floor. The door kind of burst back open anyway, and Isak sighed and took some of the food out, setting it on the counter, before pinning the sketch back to the fridge and returning to stand behind Hanna and Chris, who were still messing with the banner.

“You know Even’s name is spelt with two E’s, right? Even? Not Evan?” he said.

Hanna let out a sigh and dropped her hands by her side, staring down at Chris’ head. “See, Chris? I _told_ you people would notice. I can’t believe…the _one_ thing I ask you to sort out and you spell his _name_ wrong…”

“Why don’t we just cut his name off all together?” Chris suggested, voice a little strained as Hanna adjusted her weight on his shoulders.

“Because we had to pay by the letter!” Hanna said. “Maybe we should just cut the ‘A’ out.”

Chris frowned. “So it reads ‘Happy Birthday Evn? How’s that better?’”

“Because! It’s – Isak, can you pass the scissors – no, not the kitchen ones – because it’s better if we say the ‘E’ just fell off – thank you – rather than admitting you spelt his name wrong,” she said.

Isak scoffed. “I don’t think you’re giving Even enough credit. He won’t care if you’ve misspellt his name.”

“Well, _I_ care,” Hanna said busily, passing the scissors back to Isak. She tugged gently on Chris’ hair, and Chris wrinkled his nose and wobbled back a bit. “And _you_ should care too, Chris!”

“Whatever,” Chris said impatiently. He’d been more irritable than usual recently, but they all kind of put it down to the fact he’d given up smoking. “Are you done yet? You’re fucking heavy.”

“Yep,” Hanna said, fixing the sign a little before sliding off Chris’ shoulders and landing on her feet with a gentle thud. She stood back, tucking her hair behind her ears, and stared at the banner.

“It looks shit, doesn’t it?” she said finally.

Isak wrinkled his nose. “Maybe a bit shit.”

“Right, Chris, sorry – let me back up – we’re just going to have to take it down…”

 

***

 

Saturday, 18:01

 

 **Dad** : Mum told me you got an A in your latest biology assignment!

 **Isak** : yep

 **Dad** : Well done.

We should go out to dinner to celebrate soon

 **Isak** : that would be nice

 **Dad** : I’ll ask your mum what her shifts are like next week and we will find a day when we’re all free

 **Isak** : ok

talk soon

 

***

 

It still felt kind of weird to see Even back at the house. Because eight weeks was a long time, and they’d gotten used to seeing Even in his little room at the hospital. Isak still found himself doing double takes whenever he saw Even cooking in the kitchen, or stretched out on the sofa, or sat at the kitchen table with Hanna and Chris. Because there had been times where Isak had doubted, very much, that Even would ever leave the hospital. It had been draining, the whole thing – watching Even go through good days and bad days and brilliant days and horrible days and everything in between. And there had been days where Isak had to physically drag himself to hospital because it was just exhausting to know he was going to sit there and watch Even’s mind torture him. Days where it got a little too much, and Isak couldn’t bring himself to visit Even at all. Had to take some time to breathe, recharge, then try again.

But it comforted him to know that Even hadn’t been alone. Not through any of it. Because on the days where Isak found it too much, Hanna and Chris were there. And on the days Hanna found it too much, Chris and Isak were there. And on the days where Chris found it too much, Hanna and Isak were there. And maybe there had been a couple of times where none of them could pull themselves to visit. But that was okay, because gradually, they learnt that Even had other people, too. Friends who had missed him much more than Even had expected them to. Friends who wanted to reconnect. Friends who told Even that they didn’t hate him, that they’d never hated him, that they had only ever been worried about him.

And now, somehow, they were here. Even, wide-eyed, jumping when everyone yelled _Surpirse!;_ Even, turning to his friends, saying, “ _What_? Did you know? Are you kidding?”; Even, greeting people and smiling, hair bouncy and clean, eyes crinkling at the corners, hugging people and shaking hands and kissing cheeks until he got to Hanna, Isak and Chris.

“You,” he said lowly, looking at Hanna, eyes glistening.

Hanna shrugged. “Mostly, actually, yes.”

“What the fuck?” Isak said, incredulous. “ _Excuse me,_ I brought all the food over—”

“And I bought the fucking banner,” Chris said.

“And I _ordered_ the food, paid for the food, and Chris, the banner was a disaster,” Hanna said. She wrinkled her nose, shaking her head as she looked up at Even. “I mean, they helped a little bit. But you can give me all the credit if you like.”

“Fucking hell!” Isak said suddenly. “Oh, fuck – I just realised – shit, Even, I left your present at home.”

Even laughed. “It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t,” Isak said, closing his eyes, shaking his head. Because yes, okay, he’d left buying Even a present until yesterday, but he'd stayed up half the night trying to find something and he’d been so proud of himself when he’d found a book of this weird graffiti art by an obscure British artist that Isak was sure Even would love. Also, he’d paid extra for next day delivery, so. “Fuck, I can’t believe I forgot it.”

Even shrugged. “It just gives me an excuse to come to your house.”

Isak looked at Even, kind of intimidated by the seriousness of Even’s tone, how low and kind of intimate it felt. And then Isak realised he was staring, and then _Even_ realised Isak was staring, and Isak turned his attention to his beer bottle, thankful when Hanna began babbling about decorations and balloons and drinks.

But when Isak turned to steal another glance at Even, he found Even was still looking at him, his gaze unrelenting and unapologetic, smile warm and eyes sparkling. Giving Isak this look that Isak didn’t really know what to do with; a look that made Isak’s cheeks redden, made his heart beat _just that bit quicker_.

And then Sonja walked over towards them, Mikael close behind. She smiled – warmly at Hanna, a little shortly at Even – present in hand. And whilst Hanna and Chris slipped away, Isak was kind of trapped between the fridge and Even, and he was too awkward to try and push between them to leave. So when Sonja and Even began talking, Isak kind of just stood there awkwardly.

“How, um, how are you doing?” Sonja asked.

“Better,” Even said, nodding.

“Good,” Mikael said. “Better is good.”

“Better is good,” Even hummed.

“We can’t stay,” Sonja said quickly. Her eyes lingered a little on the can of beer in Even’s hand before looking back up at him. “But, um, happy birthday. This is from both of us.”

“Thanks,” Even said, taking the present from Sonja’s hand and unwrapping it.

“It was Mikael’s idea,” Sonja said busily, tucking her hair behind her ear. “It’s, um, you attach it to your camera lens and it makes the quality better or something.”

“Oh, cool,” Even said, examining the box. He looked at the two of them and grinned. “Thanks.”

Sonja smiled a little stiffly. “You’re welcome.”

“We um, we need to go,” Mikael said. “We have this thing, but uh” – he reached over and gave Even a hug, knocking awkwardly into Isak as he did – “happy birthday, man.”

Even returned the hug, laughing into it a little. “Thanks.”

“Have a good year,” Sonja said, smiling, eyes flitting between Isak and Even. “You deserve it.”

And just like that, they disappeared. Even and Isak were left alone together – or, they were still in a room full of people, and it was full of chatter and singing and music – but it still kind of felt like it was just the two of them. And Isak just watched Even examine the present Sonja and Mikael had gotten him; how he played with it between his fingers, eyes bright and focused, smiling a little to himself. And yeah, Mikael had been right. Better was good.

Better wasn’t perfect. It was happy and sad; it was medication Even still didn’t like taking and therapists he still didn’t completely trust, but it was _better_. It was _taking_ the medication, even though he hated it; it was talking to the therapists, even though he’d bitch about what they’d told him when he got home; it was deciding he needed to retake this year at university and being angry at himself for falling so far behind. It was the good days gradually piling up and up, until they started to outweigh the bad days.

  

***

 

Isak was standing with William, Noora and Chris when Chris’ phone buzzed. Chris stared down at it, reading the message under his breath. He swore loudly and slammed his drink on the side.

“He got a new number just so he could ask me why I blocked his old one,” Chris said angrily, looking between the three of them. “Who the fuck does that?”

“Your dad, apparently,” Isak said, watching the way Chris’ brows were knitted together, cheeks red.

“Just block the new number as well,” William said.

“Maybe _you_ should get a new number, too,” Noora suggested.

“Do you think?” Chris asked distractedly, running a hand through his hair. He locked his phone and sighed. “Whatever. I just – hey,” Chris said, as Emma walked over to them a little nervously, drink in hand.

“Hi,” she said, smiling, brown eyes warm. “How are you guys?”

Isak, Chris, Noora and William all nodded.

“Fine,” Noora said, playing with the fingers William had draped over her shoulder. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” she said. “I just thought I’d come say hi. I haven’t seen any of you in a while.” She looked between the four of them. “Lukas, right?”

“Yeah,” Chris hummed.

“I just thought I’d let you know that we broke up,” Emma told them quickly. “We, um, yeah. Things didn’t work out.”

Isak wrinkled his nose. “You’re probably better off without him.”

William moved some hair away from his eyes, and Noora said, “Is it true he got arrested the other night?”

Emma chewed her lip and nodded, taking a sip of her drink. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Hm?” Isak said, eyebrows raised. “Seriously? Why?”

“He got into this huge fight with someone at a party. The guy ended up in hospital with a punctured lung,” Emma explained. She shook her head. “Sooo…yeah. That happened.” She looked between them again and said, “I just thought I’d say sorry on behalf of him. He’s a dick. I don’t know what I saw in him or why I didn’t—”

“Don’t apologise,” Noora said, shaking her head. “ _He’s_ the dick, not you.”

“Do you think he’ll do time?” Isak asked.

“Nah,” Chris said, wrinkling his nose. “His dads got a shit-hot lawyer, so.”

“Yeah, but William heard that someone tipped the police off about Lukas dealing,” Noora said. “So I don’t know how much a lawyer will help.”

Chris raised his eyebrows. “Yeah? Who tipped them off?”

William shrugged. “It could have been anyone.”

Emma took another sip of her drink and walked away.

 

***

 

Saturday, 20:46

 

 **Eskild** : EXCUSEEEEEEEE ME!!!!!!!!

What is this betrayal???!!?!

Noora? Isak?

 **Noora** : Huh?

 **Isak** : what?

 **Eskild** : I have snapchat!!! I’ve seen the photos!

 **Isak** : what are you talking about

 **Eskild** : You two are at a party! Where was my invite? Linn’s invite?

 **Noora** : William invited me

 **Isak** : chris invited me

 **Eskild** : And neither of you thought to invite us?!?!

I’m shocked

Linn, we’re going to have our own party

Linn?????

Okay I just checked and Linn is asleep

Party of one

 **Isak** : you can come over now if you like eskild

I’ll text you the address

 **Eskild** : I don’t want your pity invite!!!

I’m going to invite a guy over instead

We will have our own party

 **Noora** : Have fun

 **Eskild** : I will!!!

 **Linn** : don’t be too loud

I need sleep

 

***

 

The party got busy kind of quickly; soon enough, Hanna gave up bothering trying to make sure everyone got food – it got high-jacked by a bunch of kids who’d smoked too much weed anyway – and everyone just kind of mingled together. The house was boiling, even with the doors open; but it was okay. Everyone was drinking, dancing, talking and laughing, and it was just the right amount of busy without being too crazy.

Until someone was pushed into Isak while he was getting a drink, throwing him forward and making him spill beer all over the counter and his shirt.

“What the fuck!” Isak snapped, frowning, turning to face the person who – oh.

“Sorry,” Chris muttered, trying hard not to laugh.

“You soaked me,” Isak said irritably, shaking his hands and wiping them dry on Chris’ hoodie. “This is Jonas’ fucking shirt, too, I—“

 “You need to get laid,” Chris said, raising his eyebrows and taking a swig of beer. “You’re too tense.”

“Why is your answer to _everything_ ‘you need to get laid’?” Isak asked, shaking his head, but he couldn’t help a smile creeping up on his lips.

Chris shrugged. “Because it solves most problems. Stressed? Have sex. Happy? Have sex. Sad? Have sex.”

“You’re a sex addict,” Isak murmured.

“I’m just kidding,” Chris said. He was leaning back on the counter, looking into the crowd, and he nodded towards Even. “Have you given any more thought to Even?”

Isak frowned. “What?” he asked.

Chris shrugged. “You’d be a pretty hot couple.”

Isak scoffed. “What the fuck?” he spluttered. “I – what?”

“What?” Chris asked.

“I just…since when...you’ve changed your tune, that’s all.”

Chris raised his eyebrows. “Have you considered it, though?”

“Me and Even?” Isak asked. He shook his head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because…because…” Isak paused. There had been moments – brief, fleeting moments, where it had been just Isak and Even in bed together watching a film, where fingers had brushed and eyes had locked – but Isak had always, always squashed it down. Because, well: “Because it wouldn’t be fair on you,” Isak said.

 “Why wouldn’t it be fair on me?” Chris asked.

Isak looked at him and raised his eyebrow, laughing. “Are you kidding?”

“Because I’m still _helplessly in love with you?_ ” Chris murmured dramatically, grin wide and challenging.

“No,” Isak said quickly, shaking his head. “I just mean, things are good, with us, right now. Me and you or whatever. And I don’t want to make them awkward.”

Chris nodded, eyes still locked on Even. “You and Even…yeah, it’d be awkward.” Chris licked his lips. “But, uh, I don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy or whatever.”

“I’m not unhappy,” Isak said, because it was true. He wasn’t unhappy at all.  

“Yeah but…” Chris paused, turned to look at Isak with his eyebrows raised. “I’ve seen the way Even fucking looks at you.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “How does he look at me?” he asked.

Chris’ smile fell a little. He pressed his lips together, eyes softening, drifting over Isak’s features; his eyes, lips, nose, cheeks, back to his eyes. Then, very quietly, he said, “The way you used to look at me.”

Isak blinked, swallowing hard. He nodded, smile tugging at one corner of his mouth, a little painful and a little sad. He was quiet for a long time, then chuckled softly to himself. “You know, I just realised something.”

“What?” Chris asked.

“You told me you loved me,” Isak said, very quietly, voice a little fragile. “But I never said it back.” 

Chris grinned, looking a little confused. “And?” he asked, shaking his head.

“And, well, I did. I loved you too.”

Chris’ grin softened into a smile. Warm and fond and familiar, and he nodded slowly. “Yeah,” he said, then he coughed, straightening up a little; glanced at the ceiling and letting out a long, drawn-out breath before looking at Isak again. “Yeah, I know you did, pretty boy.”

 

***

 

“I saved you some pizza,” Isak said, walking towards Even who was outside, blowing smoke rings above his head and below the sky. “Your friends are going to eat it all, they’re fucking…” Isak trailed off when Even looked at him. “Fucking high as balls,” he finished.

Even laughed, but his smile fell when he looked at the slice of pizza. “Does this have cheese on it?”

Isak frowned. “It’s pizza,” he said slowly.

Even sighed, scratching his ear, then pressed his lips together. “You know people with bipolar aren’t supposed to eat cheese, right?”

“What?” Isak asked, scoffing.

“Yeah,” Even continued, very seriously. “Or any dairy, actually. There’s this new study that found it contains an agent which, um, which…” He gestured vaguely to his head. “Which can cause the release of these chemicals in the brain that are really bad for people with bipolar.”

Isak frowned, leaning against the wall, pizza still in hand. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, the article came out…last week or something,” Even said, but when Isak looked at him, Even burst out laughing.

“What?” Isak said, grinning, raising his eyebrows.

“Did you actually believe that?” Even asked, turning to look at Isak properly, inching a little closer to him.

“I don’t fucking know!” Isak said, feeling a bit stupid. “You were joking?”

“Yeah!” Even said, coughing a little on the smoke from his cigarette as he laughed. He thumped his chest and looked at Isak through creased eyes. “Dairy? Really?”

“Well I – I didn’t _really_ believe you,” Isak said dumbly.

“Bullshit, you _so_ believed me,” Even said, grinning, and he reached over to grab the slice of pizza from Isak’s hand, but Isak moved away.

“Uh, no,” Isak said, and Even raised his eyebrows.

“No?” Even repeated.

“You don’t deserve pizza,” Isak said, unable to stop himself from smiling. “You—”

“Yeah, give me the slice,” Even said, moving forwards, grinning, and Isak would have backed away but he was sort of already against the wall.

“No,” Isak said, “I’m going to have it, I—”

But Even had seized Isak’s wrists – both of them, his cigarette now teased between his teeth – and the touch shut Isak up.

And it was kind of a weird feeling – a weird realisation – because _okay, this is different. I’ve never seen you like this before_. Their eyes locked, bright blue against dark green, and It was almost like they were meeting for the first time, as absurd as that sounded; like the universe had been waiting patiently, watching over the two of them and saying _not yet, not yet, just wait, you’ll get there soon;_ like they’d needed the clouds to clear and the storm to quieten before they could appreciate the stars above their heads and the moon hanging low in the sky and the face of the person in front of them. Eyes meeting each other for what felt like the first time. Like Even was a stranger and a friend and something else all at once.

_Oh._

“Fine,” Isak said, relenting, shoving Even playfully, and Even smirked and leant back against the wall.

“Mm, it’s good pizza,” he said through a mouthful. “Do you want some?”

Isak smiled and shook his head. “Nah, I’m not hungry.” He shifted, eyes drifting over Even, looking away only when Even caught him. “Are you…” Isak coughed. “Do you want to go for a walk, or?”

“A walk?” Even repeated, eyebrows raised, smile laced in his eyes and lips and words.

“Yeah.”

Even looked around. “Don’t you think it’d look a bit weird if I just disappeared from my own party?”

Isak let out a short bark of laughter. “True. You wouldn’t want people thinking you were crazy or anything.”

“Definitely not,” Even said, smiling. He chucked the rest of the pizza on the floor, along with his cigarette, and finished his beer. “But who cares. Let’s go.”

“We need to be back before eleven, though,” Isak mumbled, casting an eye towards Hanna. She was with Chris, and the two of them were laughing at something; Chris’ face was scrunched up with it, hand on his stomach, head thrown back, laughing loud and hard and open. Isak smiled softly.

“What’s happening at eleven?” Even asked.

Isak turned to look at him and wrinkled his nose. “I’m not supposed to say.” He shook his head. “Or…fuck it. Hanna’s got these fireworks organised – don’t tell her I told you – and she’d kill me if I made you miss them.”

“Okay,” Even said. They looked at each other for a little bit, smiling, something – _something_ – crossing between them. And Isak still wasn’t sure what it was, whether it was friendship or happiness or something _more_ , but it hung there like a silent little promise between the two of them. Exciting and tantalising and distinctive and charged, like the beginning of an adventure. Starry eyes and shy smiles.

“What time is it now, then?” Even asked finally.

Isak looked at his phone.

“21:21.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. That's it guys. This fic is officially completed. :( I can't believe I actually finished it haha.  
> I just wanted to take this time to say thank you so, so much if you've read this fic. Whether you jumped on board right away or you started reading it a little later on. Whatever it is. I really appreciate each and every reader, so so much. The support has consistently blown my mind. And a special thank you to everyone who took time to leave comments and reviews. They made me so happy to read, and I'm so thankful for all of you. And a special shout out to Zoe (prettylies) because she literally put up with so much shit from me while I was writing this fic haha. Go send her some love also bc her fics are amazing.  
> I'm aware that the ending of this fic maybe a bit annoying for some people. I purposefully left it quite open to interpretation. I know a lot of you were rooting for a Chrisak ending, but I hope you can appreciate that what they have now is very important to them. They still love each other very much, they always will, but romantically they just don't work right now. And whilst I tried to give closure in Ch33 (especially with Isak and his journey), I wanted to sort of...open everything back up, with the epilogue. Because life goes on and this marks a new chapter in Isak's life.  
> I just...yeah. I have a thousand things I want to say but I plan on talking to you all in the comments section anyway.  
> I'm a little down at finishing this right now:(  
> For those interested, I plan on writing a multi-chaptered Evak fic soon. I'm also going to be collabing with Zoe on a Chrisak fic. I ALSO have drafts saved of Chris' POV throughout this fic which I'd be happy to tidy up and upload once I've had a little break from this universe!!!  
> uhfsidjknsdf yeah I think that's everything. Please don't hate me for ending it this way ahha. I hope you all appreciated the characters' individual journeys, which were always at the heart of this fic. <3333


End file.
